Can you help me ELIMINATE suicide as an option?

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JeannetteCML

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Hello. I am hesitant to write on this forum that I have suicidal thoughts, but if anyone here can help me, I think it would do more good than harm… I know someone else has posted recently about her temptation to suicide, and I read those threads. They were helpful in setting me straight a little bit. I don’t need anyone to restate for me what was already said there. I just thought I might start my own thread, though, so as not to take up space on hers.

I have had suicidal thoughts for about the last two years straight, now. The biggest reason for this is my college debt and my fear of never being able to get a fulfilling job to support myself. I approached college being practical and majoring in chemical engineering, but after two years I felt an urgency to study about the things of God. So I now have a bachelor’s in theology. I wanted to be a writer somehow, in that area. But realistically, going that route hasn’t opened many job opportunities. I was awarded a full scholarship for a graduate degree program in New York which I took, hoping that would help. And I finished the degree finally last October. Since then, however, I have been diagnosed with a mental illness and have taken on even more debt (living expenses in New York while in school). I owe $48,000. I live with my parents who pay my expensive health insurance and I work as a cashier.

I think I am just deathly afraid of my financial burden and the thought of being an adult fully responsible for myself out in the world. When I finished my bachelor’s as well as when I finished my master’s I felt like my life was over at those points. I just wanted to know theology. I didn’t necessarily have a plan of what to do with it afterwards. I am just a quiet little person. I don’t feel I can take charge of things in the real world. Academics was my domain. I don’t feel there is a real place for me after that. Religious life is not open to me in my situation, nor would I pursue it being suicidal.

Anyway, sorry for rambling about my situation. Let me get to the point. For the greater part of my life I have known suicide to be a mortal sin. I could never excuse those who committed it nor could I ever entertain the idea of committing it myself. It was just something I couldn’t do… like having sex before marriage… or turning away from the Faith… or murder. It was totally out of the question. But in the last two years it seems to have become a possibility. I’ve made extensive plans. I’ve spent whole days thinking about it. And yet, I could never harm myself in real life. Only in thought.

The thing is, even though they are only thoughts, they are destroying my present and my future. I don’t make long term plans nor have ambitions thinking “oh, I’ll probably be dead by then and won’t have to deal with it.” I remain stuck. And it gets harder and harder to pray and to attend Mass.

What I am asking is if anyone can help me return to that state where suicide was absolutely out of the question, not an option, so I can stop wasting my time with the devil thinking about it and get on with my life! I hope someone can please get that through my thick skull.

Thank you,
Jeannette
 
Please see your doctor for professional help immediately. I also recommend the book Arise From Darkness. We will keep you in our prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Hello Jeannette,

I am not a mental health professional. I trust you are under professional care. Is that correct? Are you seeing a therapist/psychologist as needed? Sometimes, people in your circumstances avoid seeing anyone other than a psychiatrist.

I don’t know what you’ve been diagnosed with, but my advice is to take things one day at a time. Try to think about the good things in your life. As far as debt, there are a lot of people in your circumstances and it’s normal to be concerned.

Try to be patient with yourself and make a plan about your future and decide how you will do things. Discuss your plan with others so they can assure you that it’s a good plan.

I suggest that when you pray, you tell God that you put your cares and worries on Him and trust that He will help you and guide you. And when you need help, or just need to talk, ask for help; let others know how you feel. As you get up everyday, you will notice that you can get things done, regardless of your thoughts. Take some time to relax and do things you enjoy doing also.

God bless,
Ed
 
I have sometimes wondered if some people who have suicidal thoughts are being oppressed by demons. Not possessed, but oppressed, the object of a concerted attack.

If you can find a priest that would give you the Sacrament of the Extreme Unction (Anointing of the Sick), that may help greatly.

But we must also engage your mind. You said you like to write. Have you considered writing fiction? Just as a hobby. It could be interesting for you and it would certainly give you a project to work on.

In addition to this, consider adding a different kind of devotion. If you already pray the Rosary every day, consider learning the pray the Liturgy of the Hours. That is complicated and takes a while to learn, but it is very beautiful and ancient.

My main point here is to keep your mind engaged on positive activities. Not just being busy, but doing something that accomplishes something.

Of course, I am not a counselor nor should you misunderstand me to be dispensing medical advice. You mentioned in your post that you under the care of a professional and that is good to hear. I would encourage you to continue.

I would like to add you to my prayers. May God grant you peace of mind and a quiet heart. :gopray:
 
Jeannette,

A close relative of mine committed suicide a few years ago. No one had any idea he was even considering it. I can’t tell you the AGONY his parents and brother, family & friends went through and still go through because of it. He had no idea how many people loved him and would have done anything to help him. He had no idea what a void his death left. We can never know what he was thinking or feeling, just as no one on this board can really know what you’re feeling. But I’m certain that there are many people who would be devastated if you went through with it. You probably have no idea how many lives you’ve already touched, and there are people in the future whose lives you are meant to touch and help in this life. God gave you a mission on this earth and He wants you to fulfill it. Please tell your parents and/or a trusted friend how you are feeling and let them help you. Talk with your priest. You are not alone. Call 1-800-273-8255 any time you are feeling that you may harm yourself.
 
Dear Jeannette,

First and foremost, I will pray for you. With God all things are possible … and you might wind up using the theology degree that you love in a way you don’t expect … Or, you might wind up in a completely different career. You pursued the things of God … That is So Very Noble! 🙂

God is good, and He loves you.

~~ the phoenix
 
Its rough, I have been blessed not to have them, but I have gone through the what ifs. What if I just go upstairs and get my shotgun and shoot myself? What if I run my car off the bride? The what ifs come not because I want to kill myself but I want to see what happens. I don’t have problems with it.

Just ask God to help you follow his will. God will never leave you out to face everything alone. He never asks more of you than you can give him. Go to confession and just talk. If you need someone to talk to, I am not qualified as to help much, but I can be there just to talk. PM if you ever need me. I am usually online a couple times a day unless I am out of town.

You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. Pray for me too 😉

Gabe
 
Dear Jeanette,
I have an idea of what you’re going through. I am bipolar and have bad thoughts like that sometimes too. Thats all they are though is thoughts. Most of the time (with medication) I feel good. The thing you have to realize is that these problems you are having, they are only temporaty and they will get better. Suicide would ruin you’re family and deeply hurt your friends and coworkers. Only God has the right to take away life and he will take you when hes ready. To take your own life is first of all saying that you’re problems are too big for God, and thats not the case. He will help you with whatever it is youre going through and will never abondon you, not to mention in my book, its blasphemy of The Holy Spirit. Secondly, it would be so selfish to put your family through that, they love you so much, they’re letting you live with them so they must love you dearly. Please Jeanette get professional help. I hope this has helped in some way. God bless and love you.
 
Dearest Heavenly Father,
Please help our sister in this time of pain. Please give Jeanette the strength to call onto help from her family, doctors, the church, and ultimately You. We pray together that soon you will put an angel before our friend that has the cure for all that ails. As always we pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
 
Hi Jeanette,
I was the woman who posted on the other suicide thread. After 3 months of deep depression and a lot of suicidal temptation, I am finally feeling good again. I’ve been feeling pretty well back to normal for almost 2 weeks now. I understand, I think, some of what you’re going through. Last year I enrolled in a 2 year trade school/college situation on student loans. I had made a really bad decision and enrolled in this school, signing on the dotted line while manic and not capable of making a rational decision of this magnitude about money. I only went to school for 1 year but really struggled. My moods weren’t stable, depression was constantly dogging me, and I ended up in the psych hospital a couple times. The last time I was hospitalized was last October when I missed too many days of school and was dropped from my program. I thought I could just resign up but the school had discontinued my program and there would be no way I could re enroll. I was still really struggling with deep depression and that has gone on for months now. I’ve not been able to even think about trying to get a job. I haven’t worked in 17 years and have really no skills and certainly no recent work history. The school was supposed to help me find employment but since I wasn’t a graduate I couldn’t avail myself of that service. Now I owe a balance to the school that my husband is paying on and I just started paying back my 12,000 dollar student loan. Sometimes I just don’t know how we’re ever going to pay all this money back. We’re on a pretty small income.
I guess I just want to encourage you somehow. My guess is, if you’re feeling or thinking about suicide a lot you’re probably dealing with depression Things can get better though I know during the bad times in my experience that with each moment I choose not to die, I suffer agonizing mental pain and anguish.
I, too, will be praying for you and if you want to PM me please feel to do so.
God be with you.
Johannah
 
JeannetteCML said:
I think I am just deathly afraid of my financial burden and the thought of being an adult fully responsible for myself out in the world. … please get that through my thick skull.

Thank you,
Jeannette
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There are many demons described by that declaration of fear. All very scary and dark. Our personal failings magnify the weight to overthrow them sometimes.

Look around you. Every adult you see is in the same boat to one degree or another.

Please, never worry about money. I mean that with sincerity. $50,000 is manageable with some discipline if you are working. That is something you have control over. Money or the lack of it should never be a cause of such distress.

If you are not responsible and prudent financially any thought for suicide is totally unjustified imo. We have a degree of responsibility no matter our belief; more so if it is Catholicism.

The Jews at Masada come the closest to some heroic type justification for self murder, but even that has it’s implications. If you are in this category; call out, you will not lack for that kind of help here. 🙂

Keep in mind something. The world was Created for us to be in. Think of it as an free amusement park with a really cool Prize when you exit the park appropriately. Each change in our life is another ride; roller coasters, the Tea-Cup , this, that…learn to enjoy the ride, not fear it.

Smile
http://www.hanscomfamily.com/Laughter-thumb.jpg

Life begins everyday. Some of us start over more than once. You know what they say: That’s Life!

I do have a theological question for you, however. Why is the word “life” so Prominent in the bible?

Best of luck to you. My prayers are with you.
 
Please do seek medical or pastoral help. It sounds like you might be suffering from some clinical depression. In a sense, that could be good news as depression is very treatable. Having had a bout with it myself several years ago, I was amazed at how treatment really turned my life around. I was in a terrible financial mess at the time. In fact I was literally financially ruined, and I admit I entertained the thought that with my life insurance, I was worth more dead than alive to my family. And while that experience was bad at the time, it has given me a greater appreciation for the fact that while money problems, are annoying, inconvenient, and even scary, they are not the definition of who I am, or what I am to God. God loves me regardless of the negative number on my bank balance sheet. I also learned that money woes are manageable, and that there are resources out there to help with just about any pickle you find yourself in. I’m happy to help further if you wish to PM me, and again, I really want to emphasize the value of seeking some medical help. The devil in depression is that while you are depressed, you can’t really see or muster the drive to seek the help that you need. So please, take this on faith that there is likely very good help available for you.

Keep going to mass. The Eucharist invaluable here.

You are in my prayers this evening. You are loved.
 
You said you would never committ murder. Well suicide is murder! You would be taking the life of someone very special. Just like it wouldn’t be right for anyone else to kill you, it’s not right for you to kill you.

As hard as things are for you right now, killing yourself will not make things easier. All the pain you have now will only be amplified. Suicide isn’t an “easy way out”. It’s a way to hurt yourself worse. The devil tells us killing ourselves would take away our hurt only because he wants so badly to torture us.

Besides all your family and friends who love you so much and all the people on this forum who care about you and who are praying for you now, God loves you. Trusting Him is soooo hard! The more we have to, the harder it is. But GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU!!! God never makes anyone do something that is too hard for them. He may allow us to be pushed to the very limits of our ability, but NEVER beyond! He is with you always and He is going to get you through this. He felt your pain personally! He knows how much it aches! He is helping you even when you can’t feel it!

The problems you have now will pass. But once you kill yourself, there’s no taking it back. Pray! All you have to say is “Help!” and that’s a prayer! Hold on! Keep fighting for you, your family, your friends, and all of us here who are praying for you and for God who loves you more than you could ever understand!

I love you and I’m praying for you!
Maria
 
Jeannette,
Please do not committ suicide. More people than you can imagine love you and want the best for you. My twin brother killed himself May 12th, of this year. The saddness,greif, and unanswered questions over this situation will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can only trust in the mercy of God for my brother. Hopefully his suffering is over, unfortunately it has just begun for those of us left behind.

-Kim
 
Sometimes we just need to know others(average people- no religion involved) really care about us.

I would be very honored to be your friend. I am a mother and a wife, I am pretty boring really. But if you ever just want to talk about anything, you can find me pretty easily.

Have a good night, and lets talk tomorrow or anytime you like!🙂
 
Well first, I would ask you to seek professional help. We here at the forums can offer our prayers and our advice, but depending on your situation, that may only go so far. As for your work situation, I am not sure where you live, but I suggest perhaps contacting your parish or even the diocese about helping you find a job.

Your post makes it very apparent you are a smart and rational person, and you seem to realize that suicide really isn’t the answer, or even what you want. It sounds like despite all of this, you still cannot shake the thought that suicide might just be easier. I am not sure how to help you get rid of these thoughts, but my advice is to stand up, and reaffirm your faith in God. When life falls apart, this is really all a person can do. Ask that God help you trust and rely completly on Him…not just the things and people of the world. I know it is somewhat cliche to say this, but God indeed has a plan for you alone. A plan that He had in mind from all eternity that will lead you to ultimate happiness in gloryifying God. No one else but you can carry out what God has planned for you, if they could, then you most likely would not be here now. I am not saying that this plan is even slightly viewable from your vantage point in life, but God does indeed love you, and He will never leave you.

Below are some prayers I found that I thought might be helpful to you:
Praise to You, O Christ, and honor and glory! As your passion drew nearer, You began to know weariness and depression. Thus You took upon Yourself the weakness of our human nature that You might strengthen and console those who are fearful of serious illness. I beg You to free me from all discouragement and anxiety. Grant that all I endure may be to Your glory and for the pardon of my sins. Deliver me from faintheartedness and all unreasonable fears, and fix my heart firmly and unwaveringly on You. Amen.
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Most high, glorious God,
lighten the darkness of my heart
and grant me, Lord
a correct faith,
a certain hope,
a perfect charity,
and a sense of knowledge,
so that I may carry out
Your holy and true command.
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May Christ’s peace be with you always, and may the Lord pour out His love and mercy upon you now and forever. God bless!

PS-I happen to have a copy of the book “Arise From Darkness” by Fr. Benedict Groeschel that I no longer need. Since your financial situation might not allow you to purchase the book for yourself, I no longer use my copy, so if you would be interested in it, please send me a PM. Peace!
 
Can I suggest trying to locate a Catholic therapist? I have one, and it’s been helpful to have her insights since we’re both on the same page. (Ok - she’s nowhere near as orthodox as me, but that’s neither here nor there.)

The fact that you are considering suicide as an option means that something is very wrong with your thinking. This might be a signal that you are on the way to clinical depression. I would strongly suggest you get help because suicide is not a rational choice. It’s a permanent solution to a temporal problem.

Others have gone into the religious aspects, so I won’t go into that.

You are in prayers, and if you would like to chat, please PM me.

Pax tecum.
 
Jeanette - you know you are a child of God and as such are never far away from his love and care. Thus the option is to share the gift of life with all you come in contact with. Let the good people into your life and heart to help you.

Continue to seek the counseling as mentioned here and take each day one step at a time.

You said your biggest worry is that debt owed, but it seems to be holding you back in many ways. If academia is your calling, perhaps there is a teaching job for you as you mentioned you are comfortable in that setting. Or perhaps a research type position which may be less stressful.

Continue to pray for guidance and for the strength to find your talent and share it with others - whatever it happens to be. Try not to dwell on those things that shackle you - but on your friends and loved ones who can help you achieve your potential. Do not be afraid - we are praying for you and your future success. Good luck and God Bless.
 
hi jeannette,

if you’ve read johanna’s threads, then perhaps you saw the sample language i posted for a no-suicide contract. that was extreeeeemely helpful for me when i was deep in the tangle of suicidal thoughts. when i would slip into those thoughts, i could remember, “nope, i said i wouldn’t, and i won’t.”

another trick that helped me when i was actively thinking about suicide was thought interruption.

if debt is the only thing that makes you think about suicide, then you’re in really good shape! that is totally fixable! if you’re as deep in the hole as it sounds like you are, you probably don’t have any seizable assets. check your state bankruptcy laws to find out for sure. if you don’t, then you don’t even have to think about filing for bankruptcy. just pay what you can, when you can, and when the collection agencies come calling, say those magic words: “i don’t have any seizable assets.”
 
Thanks to everyone for their prayers and thoughts they have shared. I have saved all of your posts in case I need them again later. For the last two days, at least, I have been tempted to consider suicide perhaps once, but the thought quickly vanished. I would like to stay in this frame of mind and not entertain the idea of suicide at all anymore, but I do have to take it one day at a time. I hope to read “Arise from Darkness.” And I will continue saying the Rosary everyday (I had stopped for a little bit) and of course, going to Mass. If someone could direct me on how to find out how to say at least some of the Liturgy of the Hours I would appreciate it. (I might put that as a separate thread question somewhere.)

Just to clarify, I do have a psychiatrist for medication AND a psychologist. I had recently stopped seeing the latter, however. I didn’t want to elaborate on my suicidal thoughts for fear that she might prevent me from carrying out my plans, honestly. I don’t want to be forced to go into the hospital, either. I have been down that route and it doesn’t get to the root of the problem. I have a hard time cooperating with psychologists and really trusting them. The one I do have is Catholic, however, and I have made arrangements with work to have time off to see her if I need to. I have made a “suicide contract” with one psychologist before but it was completely meaningless to me as far as my thoughts went. I would like to “let my yes mean yes.” I would like to try thought interruption, though. I think that would be very effective. Especially the thought of forgiving myself seems very helpful.

For those who know what it is to have a mental illness, I would also like to clarify and say that I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I had symptoms of it during a bout of insomnia because of a breakup with a close friend, and I became delusional. But I really feel that it was a one-time thing and wish I would not have to be labeled with it now for the rest of my life. I am faithful to taking my medication for it but am still anxious to be medication free. I also don’t believe I have ever had clinical depression. To me, it has always been more my situation in life than the chemicals in my brain, but there are few who would agree with me. That, too, is frustrating. Anti-depressants don’t do much for me.

The thought of hurting my family with suicide is really horrifying. Thanks to all who reminded my of that. I also don’t want to leave this earth if there is someone I still really could have helped by being here. And I know there are lots of little ways to help people. I just have to remember that it’s all worth it. I may always have money problems, but I think I would be quite indignant if something like money was really the root of my demise as a person. So perhaps I can fight it out yet. I still have a problem with suffering hardship in general, but I know God always has grace for that.

And if it’s the devil who wants me to commit suicide I may find a lot of energy to confound him! There’s no way I want to do anything at all in agreement with the devil! I think it’s God’s will that I just practice being happy. Thanks to everyone for being there for me. This is as much of a contract as I can make with all of you.

Sincerely,
Jeannette
 
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