Right.Be careful when criticizing the faith and behavior of those who took you in when you were naked and clothed you, who gave you food when you were hungry, who gave you drink when you were thirsty, who cared for you when you were sick and who first welcomed you into the world when you were a stranger. You probably didn’t think of yourself as a naked, hungry, stranger, but babies are born naked. That’s how you came to them and they welcomed you, and they continue to welcome and support you.
Sure, your parents aren’t perfect. Guess what? No one’s parents are, except Jesus’, but even His mother was only perfect because He made her that way.
I would venture to say that it would do far more harm than good for you to criticize your parents. It would reek of ingratitude. Such ingratitude might be a stumbling block to anything else you might hope to witness to them about your faith.
You would honor your parents by showing them gratitude for any good they’ve done towards you and for what they are currently doing for you, and forgiveness for anything they’ve done wrong towards you. If you don’t want the college education and all the other things they are giving you now, you are an adult so you don’t have to accept it. You’re old enough to try supporting yourself. But if you are going to accept your parents’ help, the proper response is, “Thank you”.
It depends what the thoughts are and how many of them there are. We can’t and shouldn’t share every passing thought with the people around us.I understand your point and I agree. I have wonderful parents despite all their flaws. I just don’t know if I should stay silent as these thoughts go through my head. I am thankful for the college education but with these thoughts I cannot put it to full use. It just feels like I’m always trying to please them but ending up failing them because I didn’t want to risk offending them.
What if it has to do with religious views? I know there are thoughts that I shouldn’t say at all like in those moments I get irritated about chores or such I know those thoughts are ill founded so I keep them to myself. It seems like stuff like religious or even political views should be brought up with caution of course. I don’t have much trouble keeping things to myself, I do have trouble revealing things.It depends what the thoughts are and how many of them there are. We can’t and shouldn’t share every passing thought with the people around us.
It’s hard to give more concrete advice without more concrete information, but if you have student counseling, you should think about taking your issues there for advice. Also, it’s quite possible that there are some compromises that you’re just not seeing right now.
For example, I have a teen daughter that has expressed an interest in doing an art major. This fills me with dread with regard to career options. However, I would be happy (very happy) if she did a double major with art or had art as a minor. For instance, math/art, computer science/art, engineering/art, etc., even if it took a year longer.
So, keep reflecting, and don’t get trapped into black-and-white thinking about mom and dad’s idea versus your idea. Try to think of other solutions.
How about “I don’t agree with that, mom, but we’ll have to agree to disagree.”What if it has to do with religious views? I know there are thoughts that I shouldn’t say at all like in those moments I get irritated about chores or such I know those thoughts are ill founded so I keep them to myself. It seems like stuff like religious or even political views should be brought up with caution of course. I don’t have much trouble keeping things to myself, I do have trouble revealing things.
I get the feeling that they are more ignorant to the subject of Christianity rather than completely disagreeing with deeper views. They seem to be more casual Christians who don’t try to go too deep into it.How about “I don’t agree with that, mom, but we’ll have to agree to disagree.”
I think so yes, sometimes giving crtizism can be the honorable thing to do(eg parent texts and drives)Here is question that has been on my mind recently: Is it possible to honor your father and mother while calling them out on the stuff they do? I am naturally a person who is non argumentative or directly rebellious even when I feel I have been treated wrong. When I perceive the same wrongs appearing over and over again I wonder if a certain amount of these things are necessary. I just fear that I am blaming them for my wrongs instead of facing my own sins.
What do you guys think? Is there a way to honor them while giving them criticism? Should I acknowledge my flaws while telling them I see flaws in them too? Or should I do something else completely?
Right.Thank you for sharing,
My question to you is: what is your ultimate goal? That influences things a great deal on how this should be approached.
Is your goal to have your parents convert to your way of thinking? Is your goal simply to vent your frustrations? Is your goal for your parents to support you financially in endeavors that they otherwise might not? Is your goal to hear your parents apologize for wrongs of the past? Is your goal to have your parents not pester you about certain things?
You need to take time and define your goal because that makes huge difference. If your goal were to get your parents to change their way of thinking, well, that would be a long-term goal that would probably take years and years of gentle conversations! On the other hand if your goal is to get your parents to stop bothering you about a certain topic, that could be brought up rather quickly and hopefully handled politely. Based on what you have written so far I am unable to discern exactly what it is that you want from them. God bless.
Hmmm… Good question. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I have much of a specific goal besides improvement in general. I want to be more open with them about where we differ but I am a little afraid of being dismissed. Also admittedly I feel like I’m performing inadequately in a lot of areas whether it be with school grades or social relationships; I feel like I could be much better. I guess I feel like the times my parents helped me in the past were helpful but inadequate. I feel like confronting them directly will not only boost my confidence but cause a change bigger than my previous talks with them. Third possibility is I just want to make a choice for myself for once. I feel like closely following them as much as I did has prevented me from moving closer to Christ in the past.Thank you for sharing,
My question to you is: what is your ultimate goal? That influences things a great deal on how this should be approached.
Is your goal to have your parents convert to your way of thinking? Is your goal simply to vent your frustrations? Is your goal for your parents to support you financially in endeavors that they otherwise might not? Is your goal to hear your parents apologize for wrongs of the past? Is your goal to have your parents not pester you about certain things?
You need to take time and define your goal because that makes huge difference. If your goal were to get your parents to change their way of thinking, well, that would be a long-term goal that would probably take years and years of gentle conversations! On the other hand if your goal is to get your parents to stop bothering you about a certain topic, that could be brought up rather quickly and hopefully handled politely. Based on what you have written so far I am unable to discern exactly what it is that you want from them. God bless.
Right.Hmmm… Good question. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I have much of a specific goal besides improvement in general. I want to be more open with them about where we differ but I am a little afraid of being dismissed. Also admittedly I feel like I’m performing inadequately in a lot of areas whether it be with school grades or social relationships; I feel like I could be much better. I guess I feel like the times my parents helped me in the past were helpful but inadequate. I feel like confronting them directly will not only boost my confidence but cause a change bigger than my previous talks with them. Third possibility is I just want to make a choice for myself for once. I feel like closely following them as much as I did has prevented me from moving closer to Christ in the past.
What do you guys think? I guess there are some flaws with my reasoning after typing that out. Woo.
Thanks for all the advice. I don’t mean to question you too much but why do you think I need to cut down on the home visits? I am not disagreeing just curious. We have also been trying to call each other each night to say goodnight and texting at some moments. Is this about letting them interfere too much or something?Right.
Figure out what your priorities are and do that.
If your parents have a special way of cutting up carrots (seriously–my mom does), that’s not important to fight about. Your major is, though (although your parents may have valuable (name removed by moderator)ut). Also, I wouldn’t go home every single weekend. Twice a month is plenty. That’s also worth being firm about.
It’s about giving you a little more space. It seems like you may be sharing way too much information with your parents and not have enough room to breathe. Plus, the more you’re home, the more you’ll hear that will make you grit your teeth. I was a 90s college student, so the idea of daily calls and texting blows my mind. (I was home for every Christmas, every summer, and one whole Thanksgiving the whole time I was in college. Plus, long distance was really expensive in the good old days.) Don’t do anything radical, but you can cut down your texting just a little and maybe skip one weekend home a month. Too much information just gives them more to worry about. Let’s say you tell them you have a test Tuesday and then come home for the weekend–you’re tempting them to parent you about the test on Tuesday and studying for it, even if everything is OK.Thanks for all the advice. I don’t mean to question you too much but why do you think I need to cut down on the home visits? I am not disagreeing just curious. We have also been trying to call each other each night to say goodnight and texting at some moments. Is this about letting them interfere too much or something?
If it were me, I would feel like you are trying to blame all your shortcomings on them. Maybe they hindered you somewhat…but seriously, you’re a grown up.Hmmm… Good question. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I have much of a specific goal besides improvement in general. I want to be more open with them about where we differ but I am a little afraid of being dismissed. Also admittedly I feel like I’m performing inadequately in a lot of areas whether it be with school grades or social relationships; I feel like I could be much better. I guess I feel like the times my parents helped me in the past were helpful but inadequate. I feel like confronting them directly will not only boost my confidence but cause a change bigger than my previous talks with them. Third possibility is I just want to make a choice for myself for once. I feel like closely following them as much as I did has prevented me from moving closer to Christ in the past.
What do you guys think? I guess there are some flaws with my reasoning after typing that out. Woo.
I will consider it but it may be sort of tough since my mom in particular worries about my safety and whatnot. I will also look into a counselor. The problem with going to a confessor though is that I am not exactly Catholic yet. I am heavily considering becoming one out of my Protestant family tradition which is another hurdle I need to get over. The closest I can do is the nice local Baptist minister but I don’t know him real well.It’s about giving you a little more space. It seems like you may be sharing way too much information with your parents and not have enough room to breathe. Plus, the more you’re home, the more you’ll hear that will make you grit your teeth. I was a 90s college student, so the idea of daily calls and texting blows my mind. (I was home for every Christmas, every summer, and one whole Thanksgiving the whole time I was in college. Plus, long distance was really expensive in the good old days.) Don’t do anything radical, but you can cut down your texting just a little and maybe skip one weekend home a month. Too much information just gives them more to worry about. Let’s say you tell them you have a test Tuesday and then come home for the weekend–you’re tempting them to parent you about the test on Tuesday and studying for it, even if everything is OK.
Also, I would suggest going to student counseling and getting some of what you would like to tell your parents off your chest to the counselor. And if it’s a religious issue, talk to your confessor.
I don’t want to make them mad exactly. I just want to see somewhat of a change. I am very thankful for what my parents have done: got me through school, fed and provided for me, never divorced, got me all these dumb little toys and games I play with. I couldn’t have asked for better. The way they are handling my school live right now just doesn’t seem like its helping no matter how much time they set out to help me.If it were me, I would feel like you are trying to blame all your shortcomings on them. Maybe they hindered you somewhat…but seriously, you’re a grown up.
Criticism from a child never goes over very well.
If you want to make them mad, go ahead. But I can tell you, having respect for the people who put a roof over your head and being mature enough to realize that you might not agree on everything in the world will go a long way to making outside friends and influencing people.
Also, people who a firm grasp of the topic, are seldom dismissed.
In other words…walk a mile in their moccasins.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell parents that you are all grownup and be believed. You have to show not tell, and even then, your parents may still see you as their little baby.I don’t want to make them mad exactly. I just want to see somewhat of a change. I am very thankful for what my parents have done: got me through school, fed and provided for me, never divorced, got me all these dumb little toys and games I play with. I couldn’t have asked for better. The way they are handling my school live right now just doesn’t seem like its helping no matter how much time they set out to help me.
I guess it could be a sign that I should just stop thinking about them and start making my own decisions but that is what I am trying to figure out.
Thanks again! Yeah I am beginning to think your right. It looks like the best course of action may be to put a little bit of distance between them and me for right now. It still will be tough to say but it seems like a good idea. Also, lol at that video clip haha, I can definitely see my mom looking at me like that sometimes.Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell parents that you are all grownup and be believed. You have to show not tell, and even then, your parents may still see you as their little baby.
Here’s a clip from Steve Martin’s Father of the Bride showing what it looks like to Steve Martin’s character when his daughter announces that she is getting married (the funny part is at the end):
youtube.com/watch?v=qdQb7p3FQOg
I don’t think your parents can help you with your college right now. It’s possible that they could if they had some relevant skills, but the way you describe it, it sounds like they really want to help, but they can’t. They can’t go through college for you no matter how much they want to–you have to do the work. There’s no getting around it.
There are areas where they can be helpful to you, but 95-99% of your problems ought to be solved on campus. You need to figure out what are college type problems (to be shared with a student counseling person, a professor, a friend, a chaplain or an RA) and what are mom and dad issues. It isn’t a mom and dad issue if mom and dad can’t fix it.
Good luck!
I say if it is critical advice that effects health, finances, safety, then yes. If it is an ax to grind, I think I would give it to God.Here is question that has been on my mind recently: Is it possible to honor your father and mother while calling them out on the stuff they do? I am naturally a person who is non argumentative or directly rebellious even when I feel I have been treated wrong. When I perceive the same wrongs appearing over and over again I wonder if a certain amount of these things are necessary. I just fear that I am blaming them for my wrongs instead of facing my own sins.
What do you guys think? Is there a way to honor them while giving them criticism? Should I acknowledge my flaws while telling them I see flaws in them too? Or should I do something else completely?
Right. If your parents are the “doctors don’t know everything”/“therapy is for whiners” type or the “hey! sign this financial paperwork that I’m not going to explain to you” type, feel free to politely do your own thing–go to the doctor, see a therapist, don’t sign stuff until you understand it and agree with it.I say if it is critical advice that effects health, finances, safety, then yes. If it is an ax to grind, I think I would give it to God.