Can your home cause you to despair?

[goodnoel]

I’ve been married for a while and have a young child. We have been looking to purchase a home now that we have the money. We have been renting an apartment that feels like it’s gotten increasingly worse over the 3 years we’ve been here. When we first moved here it was just me my wife and things weren’t too bad for the first little while. Increasingly over the past 18 months especially since we welcomed a child into the world things have gotten really bad for us emotionally. My wife (a SAHM) seems to be constantly out of energy and depressed. I resent her because half the time the place is a mess when I get home from work and we wind-up ordering food for delivery because she didn’t feel like cooking or taking the baby to the store for whatever reason. I find myself lashing out at people including family and have lost my temper at work a few times. I’ve yelled a few times that I want a separation and that I wish I had never met or married her over little things. The last time my dad was here we had an argument and his visit ended with me telling him to get out of my sight and get out of my house immediately.

I/we have issues that we need to work on, clearly. I started attending mass a few months ago after having been turned-off by the very notion of God for over 10 years. I started reading the bible and going to adoration. I can’t receive the sacraments because we married outside of the church since I was an atheist at the time of our wedding. I did go to confession several times and stopped when I read that absolution wasn’t available to me because I’m “living in sin” as it were. My wife doesn’t want to return to the church or have our child baptised. After a few months of attending mass and having things start to feel positive and hopeful for a while I am back to feeling despair, hopelessness, resentment, and anger. I’ve stopped praying recently and this is the second week I’ll be missing mass. This time I will miss both days of obligation. I’ve experienced a return of sin that I was able to avoid for a while, porn and masturbation being two of the big ones.

I don’t know to what extent it is possible but I can’t help but feel that our apartment and our surroundings have seriously worsened pre-existing issues. There is no sense of community here, nobody looks happy, neighbors are strangers to one another and it just feels dark and hopeless. I’ve never seen/heard things go bump in the night or experienced remotely supernatural here, but I’m seriously beginning to wonder if it’s possible that there are negative energies or perhaps even something demonic here that are making things so much worse. Do you believe this is a possibility?

 

[Cruciferi]

We have been renting an apartment that feels like it’s gotten increasingly worse over the 3 years we’ve been here. When we first moved here it was just me my wife and things weren’t too bad for the first little while. Increasingly over the past 18 months especially since we welcomed a child into the world things have gotten really bad for us emotionally.

Your title eludes to the belief your apartment is oppressed. On the contrary! Having a child will change everything forever and bring relationship issues to the surface. The apartment has nothing to do with this.

My wife (a SAHM) seems to be constantly out of energy and depressed. I resent her because half the time the place is a mess when I get home from work and we wind-up ordering food for delivery because she didn’t feel like cooking or taking the baby to the store for whatever reason

She doesn’t feel well obviously. Seeing your primary care physician and a psychologist might help her and YOU.

I’ve yelled a few times that I want a separation and that I wish I had never met or married her over little things. The last time my dad was here we had an argument and his visit ended with me telling him to get out of my sight and get out of my house immediately.

It sounds like you should be seeing a marriage counselor and dealing with your anger.

My wife doesn’t want to return to the church or have our child baptised.

This sounds like you two are on VERY different wavelengths. You’re making a complete turnaround. I’m not surprised at her reaction. Dialogue is very important here; however, you must strengthen your marriage to the point where you both can communicate without anger and threats of separation.

There is no sense of community here, nobody looks happy, neighbors are strangers to one another and it just feels dark and hopeless

There’s nothing supernatural occurring here. These issues started with you and your wife and it’ll be resolved between you two. A change of scenery can help; however, it won’t fix your marriage or religious issues.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Having a child makes people tired.

You mention that your wife does not want to cook or take the child to the store. Are you somehow unable to care for the child while she goes shopping? She may need that break!

How about cooking in bulk together on Saturday and having ready meals for a month?

Don’t blame the roof over your heads, simply adjust for your new normal

 

[TheLittleLady]

I can’t receive the sacraments because we married outside of the church since I was an atheist at the time of our wedding. I did go to confession several times and stopped when I read that absolution wasn’t available to me because I’m “living in sin” as it were. My wife doesn’t want to return to the church or have our child baptised.

And this. Without the grace of a valid marriage, oh, I’d not want to do that! Make an appointment and speak to your pastor. You may be able to have your marriage made regular through a process called Radical Sanation. She does not have to participate with a RS.

 

[Viki63]

If I were a SAHM with a new baby, and my husband yelled at me that he wanted a separation or was sorry he married me, I’d be depressed for months. This is the enemy trying to destroy your family.
Please, goodnoel, see your priest to get your marriage regularized so you can receive the sacraments. Pray that you will show your wife the love that Christ shows his church, suffering for her and being patient. Read Ephesians 5:25. As the head of the house, you set the mood. This is not easy when you are young, but by God’s grace you can do it, and your wife will respond.
She may have post partum depression; please encourage her to see a doctor as well.
You have a great opportunity to show Christian courage and compassion right now. I know you will step up and be the man God intends you to be.
Praying for you both.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The other posters on this thread have offered a lot of good insights and advice.

I think it would be wise for you to heed their suggestions, and not go looking for outside things to blame like an apartment.

This isn’t a case of easy quick fix, “let’s buy a new house and presto all your problems are solved”. Your wife is tired and depressed and having trouble with just keeping up an apartment. A house is presumably going to be larger and require more responsibility. Houses don’t automatically come with nice friendly neighbors either, especially if neighbors hear or see your family having problems. Unless your wife is depressed because she hates the apartment and can’t wait to move into a house, I don’t see how a move is going to solve anything here. In any event, I would hold off making a major life change like a move until you have taken some of the other suggestions about your wife seeing a doctor and you both getting some counseling.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve been married for a while and have a young child. We have been looking to purchase a home now that we have the money. We have been renting an apartment that feels like it’s gotten increasingly worse over the 3 years we’ve been here. When we first moved here it was just me my wife and things weren’t too bad for the first little while. Increasingly over the past 18 months especially since we welcomed a child into the world things have gotten really bad for us emotionally. My wife (a SAHM) seems to be constantly out of energy and depressed. I resent her because half the time the place is a mess when I get home from work and we wind-up ordering food for delivery because she didn’t feel like cooking or taking the baby to the store for whatever reason. I find myself lashing out at people including family and have lost my temper at work a few times. I’ve yelled a few times that I want a separation and that I wish I had never met or married her over little things. The last time my dad was here we had an argument and his visit ended with me telling him to get out of my sight and get out of my house immediately.

You’ve gotten some good advice:

–Having little children is hard and parents of small children are often tired and stressed out.
–You may both have some medical or psychological issues.
–Do not buy a house now when you are in such bad shape! Home ownership is much more work and more time-consuming than renting.
–Taking a small child to the grocery store is stressful and even dangerous.

https://www.mccue.com/content/shopping-cart-accidents

“24,000 children are injured in shopping carts every year, an average of 66 per day
Over 70% of injuries result from kids falling from the shopping cart
Head injuries account for 78% of all injuries”

Also, it’s easier to shop frugally without a small child in tow. It’s a good idea to block out time for your wife to do at least one big grocery shopping by herself, maybe one weeknight and/or once over the weekend.
–Your wife needs to get out of the house every day, just for her mental health. If she doesn’t do that most days, she is going to get depressed.
–Can you get into the habit of calling your wife on your way home and (as a stop gap), picking up a rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad from the grocery store?
–Try not to be distracted by mess. Eat dinner as soon as possible when you get home and then talk to your wife about evening plans. For example, you could suggest an hour of chores/putting baby to bed, an hour break, and then some couple time. Plan your evenings.
–Read the book “How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids.” I think you’ll get a lot out of it.
–If you are still having trouble with your temper, consider a psychological evaluation.

Good luck!

 

[Catfish]

God and the Church will always be there for you, but your wife and child need your help and attention now. This is no picnic for your wife either. Ask her, “How can I help? What would make life better for you and/or the baby?” Apologize to those you have been short tempered with. Tell your wife you love her and the baby forever. Spend more time with them. Just taking them out for a stroll or something easy is a good start. Remember to treat others as gently as Jesus would.

 

[Reuben_J]

Hello goodnoel. Obviously from your post, your family situation looks bleak and gloomy now. I can sympathetize with you.

Others have given you advices which are trying to address what you are experiencing now.

What I say here may not help much but I want you to remember that as a husband and now a father, you are the head of a family, and the responsibility for it starts with you.

Unfortunately you do not have any alternative to put that responsibility for the good of the family on someone else or any other thing.

That makes you have to face your problem now head on. The welfare of your family depends on you and what you do is not just for yourself but for the sake and the good of your wife and child. You have become a provider and even the caretaker of your father as well. He is not getting any younger.

Look into yourself, grit your teeth and prepare to do what it take for the good of your family, no matter how difficult it may seem now.

Praying and asking God for help in prayer is always a good thing, not the least to maintain your moral in an adverse situation.

However, there is no short cut to the solution of your situation. It will not be solved in the short term too. More importantly it is for you to come to term with it and to persevere and be patient.

God bless you.

 

[Clementine14]

My wife (a SAHM) seems to be constantly out of energy and depressed. I resent her because half the time the place is a mess when I get home from work and we wind-up ordering food for delivery because she didn’t feel like cooking or taking the baby to the store for whatever reason. I find myself lashing out at people including family and have lost my temper at work a few times. I’ve yelled a few times that I want a separation and that I wish I had never met or married her over little things.

This part of your post stood out to me. I will never understand why it is hard for some husbands whose wives stay home with children to understand that they are tired. Most people who have had a professional career can understand what it is like to work a long, tiring week; but if you have not stayed home with small children all day and tried to get other household tasks done, please try to consider that you have no idea how difficult it is. And on top of that to have to hear that your husband wishes he never married you.

While it might seem to you like she “didn’t feel like” cooking, she might be so exhausted that she can’t manage it. Have you tried to help? Offered to cook even once a week? Even knowing that for one day, she won’t have to might lift a big burden. Going to the grocery store with a small child is no easy task; I encourage you to try it sometime so that you can understand. While I do feel that a stay at home parent should be also caring for the home to the extent that he or she is able, it is not fair for the parent who works outside the home to expect to never have to take responsibility for that home. Try to find ways you both can help each other- for example, we used to order our groceries online and pick them up at the store when our son was a baby. We decided to order food one day a week, and one day was a “find what you can” night- we might have cereal or soup. When you are not at work, are you helping to care for your child and helping around the house, or letting her do everything because it’s “her job”?

While I understand the effects of living in a small place (we are looking for a home ourselves- not much inventory out there!) I don’t think that blaming your troubles on your living situation is reasonable. This isn’t supernatural, it’s life with children. Living in a home might give you some more space, but I wouldn’t try to think of it as a solution to the issues you’re having.

 

[Katherine438]

Yes, I do believe in demonic possession of a house … I lived in one for the first 8 years of my life … my parents became alcoholics, and separated … I had horrible dreams every night and woke up screaming uncontrollably … we moved when my parents separated … the first night in the new house my dreams stopped … within months my parents got back together and the drinking stopped … why I believe in demonic possession of a house has more to do with the people that moved into our old house after we left … they were a nice couple with a 4 year old child … as soon as they moved into the house things started to change … they started fighting … the husband lost his job and their little 4 year old boy had to have open heart surgery … they must have felt something about the situation because they moved out of the house … things got much better for them after that. I believe in getting a house blessed when you move into it … I don’t know if that would have helped that house, but I can’t live in a house that wasn’t blessed.