Canceled the wedding. Can the relationship be saved?

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Brenflor3

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Sorry so long. Sorry if TMI. I was so upset that I told him that the wedding was off, I hated him & never wanted to see him again! I canceled everything. Now I’ve had some time to cool down, plus a talk w/my mom & I’m confused! Especially after talking to the priest (church was the last thing I canceled). Wedding was supposed to be June 2009.

Unfortunately early on in the relationship we did have sex regularly. After some time though we scaled it down a lot. It didnt stop completely though, its very difficult to do that once you have already been slipping. In November I found out that he had cheated on me in '05, a little more than 1yr into the relationship. Even though it was 2yrs b4 I was devastated & told him I needed to think. He apologized & begged like crazy for a chance. He said it was before he loved me, we were arguing a lot & he thought we werent going to make it, so he went out & got what I didnt give him, then decided to ride it out & see if it got better & it did, so he never told me out of fear. He got a hooker for anal, then felt guilty & stopped, a couple of days later he thought maybe oral would be different so he got another 1, but again felt bad & stopped. I was still reeling from all this when I found out 2wks later that he had been talking w/girls online about a fetish of his. He is very ashamed & thinks its dirty so he didnt want to bring me into it, not exactly cheating, but to me this was the icing on the cake & I broke up with him. He swore it was the only time he slipped, that he’s a different person, realized it was childish & deeply regretted it. He used a condom, but got tested anyway & showed me the results, at this time we weren’t having sex & he said it was out of guilt. Since he got tested then & again when I found out I decided to let him prove to me that he was different & committed to us, so we did not tell my family what was going on, they thought we were still together while we worked it out. He was not raised in a religious household. His dad is catholic, but his mom is protestant, he didnt go to any church regularly. He was baptized catholic, but that was it. After all this he started going to RCIA, really threw himself into religion, got a bible, started going to church, etc… & started therapy for his fetish issues plus PTSD (iraq vet). We didnt see each other for 1 month.

I thought everything was going well, started to let my guard down & started planning the wedding again, pending the outcome of therapy. Then on MLK day, I found out that he had a 1night stand with a friend of his in '06, about 1 yr after the hookers, she had no idea he even had a gf! I blew my lid! His thing is this is in the past, it’s not who I am anymore. Proof being that it has been over 1 yr & he hasn’t done anything. His survivors guilt was making him sabotage himself, didnt believe he deserved happiness after what he did in Iraq. Therapy, he says, helped him come to term with a lot of stuff, but I’m feeling more than betrayed. I realize its old stuff, but its new to me! I was so blinded, I feel foolish! I know this doesnt make sense, but the friend feels worse than the hookers. They were 1 time only, not reg sex, no contact before or after. The friend was more intimate, they had a friends relationship before & after the encounter, plus he started talking to her about his fetish after. He freaked cuz we were talking marriage. Am I crazy here? Can this be saved? He feels so guilty that he is offering to pay for some things for me, we were going to start a business together, he still is on his own & wants to give me some of the profits. My mom thinks accepting anything from him is wrong if its really over, plus she confided in me that my dad cheated 24yrs ago, she found out 4yrs after & stayed because they were married & he earned her trust back. I got the wind knocked out of me twice in 1 wk! So confused! HELP!?

I told him depending on the outcome of therapy, I would let him know if I still wanted to marry him. But I would only marry him if he signed a prenup saying that at the first incling of anything I was gone & everything was mine. Defenitely no marriage crisis, since we are having it now I said. He agreed. Of course this was before I found out about his “friend”. What’s made me re-consider is the bomb my mom dropped after I told her the wedding was canceled. It’s not like she told me to stay. I think I was more shocked than anything. I’ve never been cheated on or engaged, so this is all new to me. I have no intention of keeping the 6/09 date. I was thinking cancel everything and wait & see if I could trust him. See if he really changed.

The priest was like, trust was broken, you had stated your intentions, but you are not married. Maybe you should postpone instead of cancel. He was telling me to talk it out, since I didnt even entertain the idea of us after I found out about the friend, I broke everything off immediately. I was really floored by his comments. I asked about couples retreat or counseling, but he was like you are not married so i do not advise it. So I am really confused now.
This may sound weird, but as hurt & pissed as I am I can’t help feeling sorry for him. I just wish he would have dealt with his drama before & not dragged me into it. It’s sad to hate yourself to the point of sabotaging like this.
 
I’m so sorry about your sad situation. I know a young man who was badly injured in Iraq after just a few weeks there, and he has not been the same since (traumatic head injury and PTSD.)

I’m sure you’ll get more expert opinions than mine, but I would insist that he go to counseling to work through his issues, and that you might benefit, separately, from a few sessions with a good Catholic counselor, as well. I think your priest sounds sensible. You do mention that the former fiance has come a long way in his faith, and seemed to be trying; it is things in the past, though just now revealed, that are upsetting you. There is that fetish thing, though; something must be done about that, and I think that’s where Catholic counseling and frequent confession and Holy Eucharist come in.

I’d take stock of his good qualities and decide if there is enough there to make you want to see how it goes and give him some time to work on things. Plus…do you love him?

I’ll be praying for you.
 
If you were still in this relationship, I’d be telling you to get out.

Can it be saved? Jesus, Lord have mercy on us all, girl - count your blessings and go, while you still can.
 
Yes, I do love him. And even though we are not together anymore he is continuing RCIA classes and therapy. However therapy is with a Dr, not a catholic counselor. When he was younger (27 now) he was pretty promiscuous and the therapist said that not being able to cope with life’s stressors and PTSD, he reverted to that life style. Instant stress relief. Its like he was living in 2 different worlds.

The thing is though, he has told me that he does not wish his fetish to go away, his goal is to minimize it to the point its an occasional thing, not an important part of his sex life or to need to do it as a form of stress relief. Personally, I think I can live with this, but catholic wise is this ok?

Shortly after we got engaged in october, he pushed for us to go to confession. The priest though refused to hear his confession because he only had baptism & told him he needed all the sacraments (as he was not really catholic at that point). So 1wk later he started RCIA, he recently confided in me that he felt really guilty about the cheating & thats why he wanted to confess. To get it out & do penance so he would not go into marriage w/that over his head.

Thank you very much for the links! I was considering some catholic counseling for myself and had no idea where to start.
 
I don’t like the sounds of this relationship at all… sorry hun. I know you had some special times with him but I would not marry him even if I feel sorry for him about his trauma from Iraq.

Prayers.
 
I grew up on a military base and I knew a lot of men who were in Vietnam. Being in a war or suffering from post traumatic stress syndrom does not make you cheat. It is almost an insult to all the fine men and women who served our country to blame his actions on his service to our country. For goodness sake, my baby sister has served twice in Iraq and been shot at. She isn’t cheating on her husband.😦

This man has been with hookers- twice that you know of, a girl friend-who he lied to about your existence, and he is into making excuses for his behavior. All of these are warning signs. He didn’t just do this once, but three times(again that you know of)

Your mother should not have told you about your father. I don’t understand how her situation applies to yours.:confused: All that did was cause you more pain.

I would hold off on the marriage plans for a long while if I were you. I hate to say this, but I don’t think that this man is very good husband material. Maybe I am wrong.
 
Brenflor3 said:
Yes, I do love him. And even though we are not together anymore he is continuing RCIA classes and therapy. However therapy is with a Dr, not a catholic counselor. When he was younger (27 now) he was pretty promiscuous and the therapist said that not being able to cope with life’s stressors and PTSD, he reverted to that life style. Instant stress relief. Its like he was living in 2 different worlds.
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So when he is under extreme stress again will he revert back to his previous life. Is this going to happen if you have financial troubles will he start having affairs.:confused:
 
I know it hurts, but you really truly deserve better. I guarantee there is someone else out there who you will love just as much if not more and he will not cheat on you. You do not deserve a cheater. I would move this man out of your way so the coast can be clear for someone else in your life. You are only 25!
 
I’m sorry this is happening/has happened to you. I think calling off the wedding was a wise thing. Too many incidents…frankly, from the trauma or whatever it might be–this man may never be ready for marriage. I wanted to comment that one of my husband’s brothers–he was in the Vietnam war (my husband has 5 brothers–he being the second to youngest) and this particular brother had mega issues with marriage, commitment, etc. He had 4 marriages–and cheated on nearly all of them–serious porn an alcohol problems. He is now living with a women he knew back in high school–and they are good for one another. He takes a lot of meds to help with a variety of things, but post traumatic stress was often ‘numbed’ through affairs/women. He came to the realization that he can never be married again–and the women he is with is ok with that. None of our business, but I wanted to just share this, because obviously there is something to post war stress and affairs maybe? I wouldn’t have normally seen connection, but there must be.

As for your case–I’d just keep praying for him…and I’ll keep you both in my prayers. I don’t think I’d marry him though–you have to think about bringing children into chaos, too…would that be fair to them, etc…he has to get some counseling, and hopefully, he can deal with his war stress. But for now–for your own safety from disease, etc as well (!) …I would just be friends. Just my 2 cents.

(((hugs)))
 
I’m probably not going to be the popular voice on this discussion, but I’m going to take my chances…

I don’t know why you, or anyone else, would ever go into a marriage with someone who has been unfaithful on multiple occasions. It would be one thing if you were already married to want to try to work things out after a betrayal, but you’re not married. Why settle for someone who has so little respect for you to not only cheat on you multiple times, but then to unburden himself by causing you more pain with all of the gory details?

Too many people “settle” for someone instead of taking the time to find a future-spouse worth having. You have the opportunity to walk away, to heal your heart, and to find someone who is worth giving your heart to. Don’t settle.

I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much pain and heartache. 😦
 
I would definitely not bring children into chaos. The only way I would marry him is after he is cured (if thats even possible). Maybe then go into counseling together too. And definitely wait a while to see if the change sticks. Cheating again would not be ok no matter what, the idea is that therapy would get to the bottom of the issues that caused him to stray. I would demand a prenup as well due to the history. I don’t think he can even begin to repair all the damage he made to us if he is not yet better himself. I do love him, but love isn’t everything. At this point I don’t know if it is even possible to try, there may be too much damage. He doesn’t know that I am considering any of this.

The details definitely hurt, but I made him tell me. He didnt want to, that was probably not a wise move on my part. But at the time I felt like I needed to know everything in order to see if I still wanted to marry him. I thought if we married and this came out later I would feel like I was tricked into marriage by not knowing everything before.
 
if this is what you want for the rest of your life, then by all means stay in the relationship. don’t you think you deserve better?
 
Brenflor3 said:
Yes, I do love him. And even though we are not together anymore he is continuing RCIA classes and therapy. However therapy is with a Dr, not a catholic counselor. When he was younger (27 now) he was pretty promiscuous and the therapist said that not being able to cope with life’s stressors and PTSD, he reverted to that life style. Instant stress relief. Its like he was living in 2 different worlds.

The thing is though, he has told me that he does not wish his fetish to go away, his goal is to minimize it to the point its an occasional thing, not an important part of his sex life or to need to do it as a form of stress relief. Personally, I think I can live with this, but catholic wise is this ok?

Shortly after we got engaged in october, he pushed for us to go to confession. The priest though refused to hear his confession because he only had baptism & told him he needed all the sacraments (as he was not really catholic at that point). So 1wk later he started RCIA, he recently confided in me that he felt really guilty about the cheating & thats why he wanted to confess. To get it out & do penance so he would not go into marriage w/that over his head.

Thank you very much for the links! I was considering some catholic counseling for myself and had no idea where to start.
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I have two issues that crept out at me bolded in your post.

First off…Catholic wise, intention to sin even a little is not right. Obviously we all will sin a little in different aspects of our lives, but it looks like he has this planned out to work for him. In other words he wants his cake and eat it too. At the expense of his emotional and physical fidelity to you. Now, I did look over your posts again briefly and I think the fetish you refer to is something online, correct? You believe that you could handle it longterm, and you very well might BUT you don’t need to AND he needs to understand why this is not acceptable not just to you but also to himself.

As for the second bolded part. In most cases, all people want to confess because they feel so guilty and don’t want it hanging over their head. But since he’s already shown that he prefers his intimate thoughts/feelings to occasionally stray from you once in a while, then this looks like he’s just trying to get the uncomfortable stuff taken care of. Sort of like committing a horrible crime in the US and then running to France in order not to be extradited. He wanted to be in the free and clear and have a ‘pass’ so-to-speak.

This is not to say he wasn’t indeed truly remorseful, but from my understanding of this he isn’t applying his remorse in true repentful manner.
If he was honest to himself, you and God in his repentance than he wouldn’t have excluded the second infidelity.
 
oh and I have more advice if you’ll indulge me just a little more.

You’ve bonded and love this man. You are going to feel tons of pain, anguish and want things to be ‘right’ again.

That’s normal.

Do yourself a HUGE favor and take time off from him. Take a two-week vacation to go hiking with school friends and another 4 months of no communication with him. Take that time to clear your head out. If at the end of that time you still want to see if things can work out, (which I advise against) then find out if he’s taken any iniative without you prodding him, to get himself straightened out. Emotions are high right now, take a big break in order to decide on this when you can think clearer.
 
Brenflor3 said:
The thing is though, he has told me that he does not wish his fetish to go away, his goal is to minimize it to the point its an occasional thing, not an important part of his sex life or to need to do it as a form of stress relief. Personally, I think I can live with this, but catholic wise is this ok?
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no, you cannot live with it
no it is not okay “catholic-wise” for you to enable a man who fully intends to go on indulging in practices which are not only sinful, but which put him in the state of being continually unfaithful to you. this is no basis for a sacramental marriage in Christ, or for a valid marriage, or for a relationship with a healthy normal woman.
 
puzzleannie said:
no, you cannot live with it
no it is not okay “catholic-wise” for you to enable a man who fully intends to go on indulging in practices which are not only sinful, but which put him in the state of being continually unfaithful to you. this is no basis for a sacramental marriage in Christ, or for a valid marriage, or for a relationship with a healthy normal woman.
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His fetish does not involve other women, it is not physical. It is more fantasy based, looking at pictures and masturbation. Not porn in the traditional sense, hes not looking at sexual acts.
 
Brenflor3 said:
His fetish does not involve other women, it is not physical. It is more fantasy based, looking at pictures and masturbation. Not porn in the traditional sense, hes not looking at sexual acts.
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That’s still unfaithfulness.

Look, this guy is just bad news for you; if he hasn’t got an STD, he will get one soon, and if you marry him, you will get it, too. You are out - just thank God that you are out, and move on with your life.
 
I agree with jmcrae and annie, too. After a while…excuses can only go so far…before you end up putting yourself at risk. I know he might be a nice person otherwise, but his inner problems will end up causing you a lot of misery and angst in your marriage. I also think that when we start tolerating all kinds of misbehaviors, people end up pushing the envelope on us. If you tolerate this, he might push it another inch…and so on. I think that right now–you thought you’d marry this man…but God gives us wake up calls, and I think you have had several with this man. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
You’ve got to watch out for “but I love him”. I learned the hard way that during the time that you are dating you should not be treating a relationship in the same way that you would a marriage. In other words, before you are married you should not be constantly forgiving him for seriously large lapses like this man has been making. There is such a thing as too much tolerance and it would be unwise to enter into a marriage who repeatedly proves that he just doesn’t get it.
 
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