Canceling a wedding

  • Thread starter Thread starter vesnianka
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
V

vesnianka

Guest
I have pretty much broke my engagement with my fiance, this morning. We’re supposed to get married next week, but I realized that my trust in him is gone. For nearly a year, I’ve been asking, and asking, and begging, and asking, and begging him to quit drinking and smoking. He keeps saying he will, and does, but then starts up soon after. He doesn’t understand the seriousness of starting and building a family. I gave him two chances since last Deccember and he broke them, because I forgave him.

My question is, does forgiving him mean marrying him or should I just forgive him but not go ahead with the wedding? How can trust be built with no solid foundation?

What should I do?
 
forgiving him means you want only God’s blessings for him. you hold no resentment against him.

as a Christian woman, you’re commanded by Jesus to forgive him from your heart.

marrying him should mean you trust him deeply, you experience a reciprocal trust from him. your trust and love make you desire to share all of yourself with him. marrying him should mean you accept him as he is. marrying him should mean you and he understand the committment and vocation is to help the other achieve holiness in this life and heaven in the next.

if that is not what you have with this man, do not marry him.
 
i know you’re right…i just can’t believe this is happening. i have had one annulled marriage and one previously broken engagement (he became mentally ill). what is my problem? why can’t i find a strong, faith-filled man? this is my last chance for marriage and a family. i’m 37 and most likely won’t look for anyone else, after this…could you please pray for me, to get this fixed - miraculously??? i’m so worn out…
 
vesni,

i am so sad for your losses, and sad that you perceive these losses as failures on your part.

but you see something is amiss. a weakness, perhaps. in Alcoholics Anonymous, we tell women who have long histories of failed relationships, “your picker is broken.”

but vesni, the picker doesn’t have to stay broken. and as long as you are alive, you have another chance to be loved and to find love. first, find love in Jesus’ Most Sacred Heart. find rest in Him, too. He loves you more than any earthly man ever could.

then maybe some counseling might help to find out why you’re not attracted to healthy men? even if you never “look” again, this information will be helpful to you. thirty seven is not old, vesni. you’ve probably not even reached half your life span. seek these answers, vesni. God made you worth dying for-- certainly you are worth seeking answers for.

go to God. ask Him for peace that surpasses understanding. you belong to Him.
 
Praying for you…

Did the other things you mention elsewhere (job, place to stay) work out, Vesnianka?

I have been in tough situations in my life, but perhaps not as tough as yours. I know it’s hard to keep trusting in God at such times.
 
You do not mention the extent to which he drinks and smokes. Does he only smoke cigarettes (shouldnt be too much of a concern) or pot (a major concern)?

I’ve known many alcoholics in my life. Believe me, you do NOT want to get involved with an alcoholic. It is a SERIOUS disease. Living with an alcoholic is like living with an alien, someone who will not pay attention to you, someone who may eventually succumb to beat you physically, and wear you down mentally. It’s extremely difficult for an alcoholic to hold down a job. I’ve known functioning alcoholics who in fact work, but this is the exception.
 
Joseph_L_Varga said:
Praying for you…

Did the other things you mention elsewhere (job, place to stay) work out, Vesnianka?

I have been in tough situations in my life, but perhaps not as tough as yours. I know it’s hard to keep trusting in God at such times.
Click to expand...
Thanks, so much for your prayers. I think I’d like to go out of my mind, just about now. No, nothing has worked out. No work, I just returned from the US last week to Ukraine and we have been living in seperate rooms in this new apartment. I was going to ask my friend to stay with us until the wedding, but now that it’s off - i don’t need to. We need to figure out how to seperate quickly, so I wouldn’t have to live with him long.

I am trying so hard to muster up any kind of trust with God. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please, just keep praying for me - for something to change for me…

May God bless you and shower the maximim graces He can give, on you!!!
 
blaskoman said:
You do not mention the extent to which he drinks and smokes. Does he only smoke cigarettes (shouldnt be too much of a concern) or pot (a major concern)?

I’ve known many alcoholics in my life. Believe me, you do NOT want to get involved with an alcoholic. It is a SERIOUS disease. Living with an alcoholic is like living with an alien, someone who will not pay attention to you, someone who may eventually succumb to beat you physically, and wear you down mentally. It’s extremely difficult for an alcoholic to hold down a job. I’ve known functioning alcoholics who in fact work, but this is the exception.
Click to expand...
Yes, I’ve been in an abusive relationship. That one was with my annulled marriage. This one is a functioning alcoholic, who does work.
 
Vesnianka, do you have a place where to move out? Is there anybody you can ask for help - a friend, your priest, the nuns? I keep praying for you.
 
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you deeply for your prayers…

To answer your question, I could find someone for help, but it’s just about getting my mind wrapped around this crisis, swallowing my pride and asking someone. This is the third failed relationship and I’m going to be so humiliated. It’s also about facing my parents who are also in a crisis and I don’t want to pile another one on them, too. This would crush them, especially my mother (who is severely ill - bedridden, and lost any faith in God). This is not going to help any, to bring her back to God.

I don’t know why God is allowing so many crisises in our family. My sister a few weeks ago divorced, when her husband left her for another woman. My problem would be a bombshell on our family.

I love God. But I’m having a hard time with my relationship with Him. I’ve had many arguments with Him. It just seems getting worse.
 
Vesnianka, this is not really a defeat or a humiliation in my opinion. To put it very simply, an engagement is not a marriage. If you would get into a marriage that’s doomed from the beginning, you would end up divorcing later, after a lot of heartbreak. Essentially, you saved yourself all that heartbreak when you called off the wedding.

I have also known a number of alcoholics, and those who successfully kicked the habit totally and fully renounced the consumption of alcohol. A friend of my family has been sober for the last 30-40 years of his life, in fact I have never seen him drinking as much as a drop of alcoholic beverage. He didn’t even drink at his son’s wedding, not even a drop of alcohol. But he used to have a severe alcohol problem before. He figured out that the only way to successfully kick the habit is to never again drink alcohol.

Marrying someone with an active alcohol problem is almost like a recipe for disaster. Especially if your fiancee denies that he has a problem and refuses to deal with it.
 
Vesnianka, you are not adding to your mother’s crisis. You averted one. God is watching over you that you had the wisdom and grace to see a bad situation and get out of it. You cannot make someone stop drinking. He has to want to. If he doesn’t, you don’t need to be married to him.

You have much to be proud of. You did not continue with an ill-considered wedding. That took courage. I think you should be proud of yourself for how brave you were to see a bad situation and change your course of action. 👍

Don’t sell love short. You can forgive this man, but you don’t have to marry him. God can send you love again. As another poster said, first recognize He loves you more than any man will.
 
Dear forum members,

I am that fiancee from Ukraine, Vesnianka talk here about. I am first time here and just found your forum and read all thread with your suggestions about me and her. Thank you all for helping my fiancee Vesnianka!

I would like to comment, to let you know my opinion and other things. But, I will write a little bit later here, because I have a lot of job now. Anyways thank you again for your sincere tries to find a solution for Vesnianka and me! Please, ask me if have questions or want to know something more about the problem. I am open to discussion.

Viktor
Kyiv, Ukraine
 
Sorry for my not fluent English!

The problem which Vesnianka described here is exists. I confirm that I drink and smoke now and it caused to broken engagement with her. But let me tell you a little.

I did not smoke when we met 1,5 years ago. Two times in my life I successfuly gave up smoking for 1,5 and 2 previous years (3,5 in common). And I started smoking again 7 month ago when world economic and financial crises and I got at the risk of being lay off. There were nervous times and I found nothing more appropriate than took a cigarette… However I feel that I am able, I have a power to stop my smoking at all again and for the rest of my life. It’s real addiction, I know. It will be difficult but I keep working on it and I am starting right from today. I know - it’s late, may be too late. But I will do it.

The second. I drink only beer and very rare dry wines. I do not like any strong alcohol (vodka, whiskey something like this) and I do not drink this type of alcohol for many-many years. Yes, I agree with my fiancee that I look drunk after even a couple of beers. But last month I trained myself (it was difficult too) to limit my beers and it works. This is first step to quite drinking at all. The second step - starting from today - not to drink any alcohol at all.

I clearly understand my problems with tobacco and alcohol and do not accuse my fiancee Vesnianka. I know that this is unappropriated for her and asked her today again excuse me. May be it is too late, but I did it.

I will not use the argument that social standards in Ukraine and US are very different. It’s true - here in Ukraine a majority of people regularly smoke and drink. Last days scandal with drunk Ukrainian interiors minister in Frankfurt airport (Germany) confirms this problem of Ukrainians. US and, in particular, Catholic standards, in which my fiancee was grown, reject drunkenness and smoking as unappropriated. But I ask you believe me that I am not like all in Ukraine. I understood this problem and want to stop these my addictions.

I should tell you all that I deeply love Vesnianka like no other woman before! She is great, kind, tender, sincere, honest, beautiful and cute! I am very sorry for all troubles I made to you, my dear! May be there is too late, may be no excuse for me from today. But I should tell this to you and to all forum members.

Dear Vesnianka, I still believe that you are my fiancee and we will marry in 9 days. I am very sorry for all bad things I have done to you. I am guilty. But I will sucessfuly fix my problems with drinking and smoking.

With love,
Vitja
 
Sorry for the embarrasing post by my ex-fiancee. He likes to apologize a lot but forget in a few days and drink again.

Vitia, the issue is about trust. I’ve said this numerous times. It’s not about how much you have drunk in the past month. Or how much you’ve cut down. It’s that you’ve promised me over and over again that you’d stop drinking, and you haven’t. This week, you’ve gotten drunk 3 times. And it’s only Thursday! That’s shocking in the west. Even more shocking to a person who is trying to seriously practice Catholicism. It’s clear you’re an alcoholic and I can’t go on anymore. Considering that it’s one week to the wedding, I don’t believe you’ll be cured of your alcoholism by then.

Once again, it’s about trust. And you just don’t understand the damage you’ve done.

Sorry that I had to post this on this forum. But I’d even asked you NOT to respond again, but you fail to heed my request.
 
Vitja, how about going to counseling with her. Instead of pressuring her to marry in 9 days, try to work on things and have her trust you in the long term. Maybe in a year or so you can marry. Postpone the wedding. But don’t pressure her. Decisions made under pressure seldom are good.

Do they have Alcoholics Anonymous or something similar in Ukraine?
 
ViktorKyiv said:
Sorry for my not fluent English!

The problem which Vesnianka described here is exists. I confirm that I drink and smoke now and it caused to broken engagement with her. But let me tell you a little.

I did not smoke when we met 1,5 years ago. Two times in my life I successfuly gave up smoking for 1,5 and 2 previous years (3,5 in common). And I started smoking again 7 month ago when world economic and financial crises and I got at the risk of being lay off. There were nervous times and I found nothing more appropriate than took a cigarette… However I feel that I am able, I have a power to stop my smoking at all again and for the rest of my life. It’s real addiction, I know. It will be difficult but I keep working on it and I am starting right from today. I know - it’s late, may be too late. But I will do it.

The second. I drink only beer and very rare dry wines. I do not like any strong alcohol (vodka, whiskey something like this) and I do not drink this type of alcohol for many-many years. Yes, I agree with my fiancee that I look drunk after even a couple of beers. But last month I trained myself (it was difficult too) to limit my beers and it works. This is first step to quite drinking at all. The second step - starting from today - not to drink any alcohol at all.

I clearly understand my problems with tobacco and alcohol and do not accuse my fiancee Vesnianka. I know that this is unappropriated for her and asked her today again excuse me. May be it is too late, but I did it.

I will not use the argument that social standards in Ukraine and US are very different. It’s true - here in Ukraine a majority of people regularly smoke and drink. Last days scandal with drunk Ukrainian interiors minister in Frankfurt airport (Germany) confirms this problem of Ukrainians. US and, in particular, Catholic standards, in which my fiancee was grown, reject drunkenness and smoking as unappropriated. But I ask you believe me that I am not like all in Ukraine. I understood this problem and want to stop these my addictions.

I should tell you all that I deeply love Vesnianka like no other woman before! She is great, kind, tender, sincere, honest, beautiful and cute! I am very sorry for all troubles I made to you, my dear! May be there is too late, may be no excuse for me from today. But I should tell this to you and to all forum members.

Dear Vesnianka, I still believe that you are my fiancee and we will marry in 9 days. I am very sorry for all bad things I have done to you. I am guilty. But I will sucessfuly fix my problems with drinking and smoking.

With love,
Vitja
Click to expand...
Thanks for your words.

I think that it is best for the wedding to be persponed until your lady fiance is sure that you will stop drinking and smoking AND if your fiance has already made her decision to not marry, you will have to respect her wishes.

I pray that you both can find an answer and you can both be sure of what is happening. May God place His hands on you both and help you both do what is best for eachother’s happiness.

Vitja, how did you find out that your lady fiance is on this website? Have you been tracking her on the internet? How did you find her private posts?

I ask this because I have been with my husband for 7 years and I have never even considered finding out his personal information. I give him his privacy and he gives me my privacy.

Did you come across her posts by accident?
 
In addition. This forum is Catholic, and I hope it will be interesting to the members to know how I became a Catholic.

Originally I was baptized in 1 year age at Orthodox Church in Ukraine by my parents. It was Soviet Union, so parent have to hide and keep it in strict secret. In my native town of 750 thousand citizens there was only one little Orthodox church at the suburb and no Catholic church.

I started being seriously interested in religion and faith only about 5 years ago, but it was only reading a Bible and rare visits to Orthodox churches on Easter. When I met Vesnianka and realized her, as loyal Catholic, everything has changed with me. I started actively look for God, visit Orthodox and Catholic messes, talk to priests, read a religious literature, learn traditions and rules. Vesnianka’s (my fiancee) example forced me to prepare to my first confession and Holy Communion on January 13, 2008 at Orthodox church. It was great! I felt happy!

Later, when we started seriously think about crating family and having children the problem appears - I am Orthodox, she is Catholic and our children would live in permanent religious conflict in the family, which is bad for them. I deeply thought about the solution. I decided to know about Catholic faith as much, as possible. Vesnianka (my fiancee) helped me with English-language literature, I had many talks with her and met Catholic priests… Year ago I even served one time at evening mess at Ukrainian Catholic church, which outburst my emotions to the high religious level: I saw the Catholic mass from inside by my own eyes. So there were no doubts more from that moment - which religion is mine. I came to my fiancee with my own decision to become Catholic and started to confess only in Catholic churches (with my fiancee together). So, our children will have strong Catholic united family.

If my fiancee Vesnianka still think that our wedding is possible in 9 days in Kyiv…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top