Canceling a wedding

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*Wow, what an interesting thread. I will pray for you both. In reading this through, it could be that you both just need to time to get some things back on track. Canceling the wedding sounds smart, no one should have strong doubts and mistrust when going into marriage.

Viktor–I lost my dad to smoking when I was a child…I never got to know him as a teen…or an adult. Please, stop smoking. 😦 You marry someone and have children, and then you develop cancer later in the marriage, and end up leaving those who love you, behind. If you and vesianka do not marry afterall, I still pray that you kick this habit. It is very addicting, I have heard–but with God, all things are possible. :o

vesianka…I am not sure what advice to give, now seeing your ex-fiance’s side…but I will have you in my prayers!*
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Vitja, how about going to counseling with her. Instead of pressuring her to marry in 9 days, try to work on things and have her trust you in the long term. Maybe in a year or so you can marry. Postpone the wedding. But don’t pressure her. Decisions made under pressure seldom are good.

Do they have Alcoholics Anonymous or something similar in Ukraine?
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Yes, they do have AA. But, Vitia won’t go. He doesn’t believe he’s an alcoholic.
 
Serap said:
Vitja, how did you find out that your lady fiance is on this website? Have you been tracking her on the internet? How did you find her private posts?

I ask this because I have been with my husband for 7 years and I have never even considered finding out his personal information. I give him his privacy and he gives me my privacy.

Did you come across her posts by accident?
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Thank you for a reply and intention to help both of us!

I am very upset today by all this broken wedding and during the day I have e-mail conversation with my fiancee. She told that she asked for advice onto one Catholic Forum and sent me excerpts from someones messages.

The messages from this forum were almost critical to me (not knowing me) and negative concerning our wedding. I realized that someone can simply anonimously manipulate my fiancee and suggest her to easy broke relationship with me, having no responsibility for the consequences…

Of course, I strictly respect the privacy of my fiancee - I do not read her e-mails, her folders in her computer, her documents and other private information. But today, when situation tend to lead to canceling wedding, I started very afraid about the possibly wrong suggestions to her of unknown people. Someone’s suggestions can damage someone’s life so easy if you trust them, being at the top of emotions and eager to find a solution.

So, I quickly found this forum by Google and nickname of my fiancee… And read the thread. I should tell you, that several advices are painful for me…

May be it is wrong, an intrusion in private life of my fiancee. But I came here to defend our wedding, our family project… not to allow anyone to mislead my fiancee by wrong advice.

I publicly ask my fiancee to understand that here I only try to defend our planned marriage, not to intrude into private area!

OK. Let it be the last my message here! I feel that I told here already enough to save our relationship (if my fiancee still want it, can start trust me again, can forgive me again… the last time so painful).

Vesnianka, let stay together! We will have beautiful children and all will be happy!
 
I wish I could see the IPs from where these posts originate …
 
vesnianka said:
i know you’re right…i just can’t believe this is happening. i have had one annulled marriage and one previously broken engagement (he became mentally ill). what is my problem? why can’t i find a strong, faith-filled man? this is my last chance for marriage and a family. i’m 37 and most likely won’t look for anyone else, after this…could you please pray for me, to get this fixed - miraculously??? i’m so worn out…
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I’m sorry you are so frustrated but I think you should seek counsel. Maybe with a priest or spiritual advisor because you WANT something, apparently, too badly.

I really do understand where you are coming from. BTDT. Wisdom comes from learning from mistakes.

And you are doing the right thing for any future children. This man needs to prove that your love means more to him than his bad habits. A good marriage requires this.

As for the post from ViktorKyiv.

I understand that the environment you live in is not the best. Old habbits are hard to break especially when the culture around you supports them. This is the same in the US as elsewhere. Vesnianka wants better for her family and you should prove that you can provide that.

I know that it may be embarassing to not wed soon. But which is worse? Marrying someone that is not right for you and then doing something you or her will regret? Or putting it off until the wedding day is the best day of both your lives? I’m unsure of the pre-marriage training you received but if it was as poor as mine, you may be in for a rough road ahead.

Something I recommend for all engaged couples is a look into Theology of the Body. It explains well the seriousness of marriage. The seriousness of being willing to sacrafice oneself for one’s spouse. If you have not read about it, I suggest it. For you and Vesnianka. A quick read is “Theology of the Body for Beginners” by Christopher West. Read it front to back. For a introduction, here is 4 hours of MP3’s from Fr. Riccardo. This should form a foundation for reading the book. I tell you from experience. TOB is important to understanding how to have a good marraige. This is what she is wanting. I’m sure you want that, too.

Peace be with you both.
 
whatevergirl said:
*Wow, what an interesting thread. I will pray for you both. In reading this through, it could be that you both just need to time to get some things back on track. Canceling the wedding sounds smart, no one should have strong doubts and mistrust when going into marriage.

Viktor–I lost my dad to smoking when I was a child…I never got to know him as a teen…or an adult. Please, stop smoking. 😦 You marry someone and have children, and then you develop cancer later in the marriage, and end up leaving those who love you, behind. If you and vesianka do not marry afterall, I still pray that you kick this habit. It is very addicting, I have heard–but with God, all things are possible. :o

vesianka…I am not sure what advice to give, now seeing your ex-fiance’s side…but I will have you in my prayers!*
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I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Yes, Viktor lost his dad in college too, and he was a heavy smoker. I’ve brought this up to, to him, but he gets angry and tells me it’s not my business to bring his dad up, in the conversation.

As you say, canceling the wedding is smart. I agree.

Thanks for your prayers. I really, really, really sincerely appreciate them.

I understand why Viktor wants to marry, though. Because if it doesn’t happen in 9 days, it won’t happen at all, ever. I would leave and go back to the US and never come back. I understand his fears, but I’ve told them to Viktor myself but he just blew them off. Now that he understands that I’m dead serious, and he’s now freaking out with no time left to correct his mistakes. I gave him time and chances and more forgiveness. But, time has run out.

I have no work here, and no prospects of getting work. So, it’s time to go home.
 
vesnianka said:
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Yes, Viktor lost his dad in college too, and he was a heavy smoker. I’ve brought this up to, to him, but he gets angry and tells me it’s not my business to bring his dad up, in the conversation.

As you say, canceling the wedding is smart. I agree.

Thanks for your prayers. I really, really, really sincerely appreciate them.

I understand why Viktor wants to marry, though. Because if it doesn’t happen in 9 days, it won’t happen at all, ever. I would leave and go back to the US and never come back. I understand his fears, but I’ve told them to Viktor myself but he just blew them off. Now that he understands that I’m dead serious, and he’s now freaking out with no time left to correct his mistakes. I gave him time and chances and more forgiveness. But, time has run out.

I have no work here, and no prospects of getting work. So, it’s time to go home.
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You have made up your mind then. The marriage is off. Viktor needs to accept this. He is still hoping you will change your mind.

You have to do what is best for you. As for being 37, it’s not over YET. Many women have babies in their 40’s and I know of many couples in their 40’s who adopt.

You do need to analyze what you want in a man. You need to determine what traits you will not tolerate and what qualities are important to you. I think some counselling in the U.S. will be beneficial to you.

Don’t despair. God is giving you the strength you need to decide what is best.
 
If anyone would be up to it, could you please pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for us?
 
Katie1723 said:
great as in “Uh oh…”??

I will pray for you. But just know that you are not “obligated” to get married
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Yes, uh oh…

Prayers are so welcome right about now. I will pray for you and all who have read this thread, in thanks for your kindness…and love for neighbor.
 
why does it matter where these posts are originating from? :confused:

do you think this is a joke? my life is falling apart you’re concerned where these posts are originating from???
 
vesnianka said:
why does it matter where these posts are originating from?
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Because I believe that the poster “vesnianka” and the poster “ViktorKyiv” are the same person.
vesnianka said:
do you think this is a joke?
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I am afraid I do think this is a sick joke, yes.
vesnianka said:
my life is falling apart you’re concerned where these posts are originating from???
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If your life was falling apart you’d be speaking to your mother, your sister, your aunt, a close personal friend, a spiritual advisor that your know personally, you would not be talking to total strangers on the internet.

I hope I am wrong. But I don’t think I am.
 
i’m trying to prevent major problems in my family…that’s why i’m writing here. second of all, when i first posted, it was morning, my time in ukraine which means the a.m. in the US. as i had said before, my mother is severely ill, bedridden and has major health problems. i’m not going to bother them in the middle of the night if this could have been fixed.

i’m sorry, i’m not going to use this forum again. this is rediculous.
 
vesnianka said:
i’m trying to prevent major problems in my family…that’s why i’m writing here. second of all, when i first posted, it was morning, my time in ukraine which means the a.m. in the US. as i had said before, my mother is severely ill, bedridden and has major health problems. i’m not going to bother them in the middle of the night if this could have been fixed.

i’m sorry, i’m not going to use this forum again. this is rediculous.
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don’t let a couple of negative responses send you away from CAF. we sometimes get very judgemental people here, but overall, it’s a great place to come.

good luck with your situation and keep us (who care) posted.
 
it’s somewhat comical that the couple is engaging in a back and forth on the internet. may be a fake post but if not…tons of people in eastern europe smoke like fiends. So smoking cigarettes is really not that big of a deal that you’d have to cancel a wedding over!! and the guy only drinks beer—really inconsequential when compared to all the heavy vodka drinkers in that part of the world… How do you stay away from the vodka?? To get really sloshed from beer you have to consume at least 10-15 beers (then again, the beer may be stronger there than in the US) so maybe less. The point is, if you stop cold turkey, I highly doubt if you’ll get the DTs (severe withdrawal symptoms such as seizures, etc).

So if this situation is in fact legitimate, I think the lady is overreacting by canceling the wedding. Doesnt seem like that big of an obstacle for the guy to overcome.
 
Among_Strangers said:
Because I believe that the poster “vesnianka” and the poster “ViktorKyiv” are the same person.I am afraid I do think this is a sick joke, yes.If your life was falling apart you’d be speaking to your mother, your sister, your aunt, a close personal friend, a spiritual advisor that your know personally, you would not be talking to total strangers on the internet.

I hope I am wrong. But I don’t think I am.
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I am afraid you might be wrong.
I think you were very insensitive about the situation and you should aplogyze.
 
She is not overreacting. It is a typical alcoholic rationalization to say “I only drink…” It doesn’t matter if it is vodka, beer, or wine. If too much is being drunk on a regular basis, it can be a problem. My now ex-husband used to justify his drinking by saying it was only wine that he drank. Drinking 2 bottles of wine a day, every day, is a problem.

If his drinking is keeping her up at night and causing her to question marrying him, then it is a problem. And if she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life around someone who smokes, then now is the time to decide that.
 
You know something - quantity is totally irrelevant. If she does not want to marry someone who drinks (for whatever reason and whatever quantity) that is her prerogative. She does not have to excuse herself or apologize or explain. She wants him to not be drinking - period. I see no problems with that. I was in an 11 year relationship with someone who drank and I was sick to death of his behavior, what most people would have considered as socially acceptable. To me it was still altering who he was and I could not stand it.

With regard to smoking. My mother smokes and refuses to quit. She enjoys it and feels it is a part of who she is. It is ruining her marriage. Her husband hates it that she smokes. She is starting to have breathing problems now (she is 61). He works for a company that supplies oxygen and medical breathing devices to people with COPD and other similar diseases. He KNOWS what this does to people and he has nearly had it with her not quitting. He does not want to see her end up as he sees some of his patients and knows what it’s doing to her. She refuses to quit.

Two relationships totally ruined by what most people would consider socially acceptable behavior. If this woman wants a man who does not smoke or drink then that’s what she needs to look for, and accept no compromises and make no apologies for what she wants. And if he is not willing to change FOREVER to make the relationship work then they are done.

~Liza
 
What Lizanne said.

We now know second-hand smoke can be horrible and have devastating health consequences. If he wont’ quit for himself, he should do so out of concern for her health.
 
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