Canceling a wedding

[noclevername]

I just want to say I admire you for not only having the guts to stand up to him but to follow through with it too. I wish I had been as smart as you are before marrying my first husband. He drank a lot and he smoked pot. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. I knew he did this before i married him but silly little me thought that once we got married he would grow up and not do it anymore. Well, nope, he kept doing it. He would have epiphanies from time to time and quit but he would always go back to it.

Now, as I am dating, I won’t go on one date with someone who drinks too much, or who smokes or who I suspect might do drugs. I know that I don’t want any part of those things so I don’t want to have any kind of relationship and take that chance of falling in love with someone who has habits I don’t agree with.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Because I believe that the poster “vesnianka” and the poster “ViktorKyiv” are the same person.I am afraid I do think this is a sick joke, yes.If your life was falling apart you’d be speaking to your mother, your sister, your aunt, a close personal friend, a spiritual advisor that your know personally, you would not be talking to total strangers on the internet.

I hope I am wrong. But I don’t think I am.

Among Strangers, why don’t you click on “find all posts by vesnianka” and realize that she has been struggling with her fiancee’s alcohol problem and came to the forums asking for advice as far back as last November or December? See her question in the “Ask an Apologist” section. And please, don’t judge her for asking for help on an anonymous internet forum.

 

[Spirithound]

So if this situation is in fact legitimate, I think the lady is overreacting by canceling the wedding. Doesnt seem like that big of an obstacle for the guy to overcome.

The Lady has the right to break off the relationship for whatever reason she deems appropriate.

 

[srlucado]

So if this situation is in fact legitimate, I think the lady is overreacting by canceling the wedding. Doesnt seem like that big of an obstacle for the guy to overcome.

Then why doesn’t he overcome it already?

If I were vesnianka, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit. There are a lot worse things in life than being single–and being with the wrong person is at the top of that list.

 

[fghgj]

trade9shoes.com

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Yes, I agree with my fiancee that I look drunk after even a couple of beers.

Viktor, this is exactly what I wanted to ask from Vesnianka, but you answered it before I could ask it. I am happy that you came to the forums and I hope that you will read this, because it’s dead serious. Your whole future is at stake. You must stop drinking, totally.

The fact that you look drunk after as few as 2 beers indicates that you belong to a minority of people whose body reacts differently to alcohol than that of the majority. It’s possible that you were born this way and you inherited this genetic makeup from your parents. I had known a certain person who was like this and he was an alcoholic before he sobered up and totally abandoned alcohol. One of his sons inherited his genetic makeup - it could be a lower level than usual of an enzyme called ADH (alcohol dehydrogenase), or some other genetic factor. This son would get wasted (severely drunk) after as little as one glass of wine, and he has to do what his father did - avoid alcohol completely. I had another colleague at work, who reacted like this to alcohol, and his father had previously died as an alcoholic. I had yet another colleague who was alcoholic, and I was dumbfounded when I observed his reaction to alcohol for the first time. It was Christmas, and three of us opened a bottle (0.7 L) of champagne. Each of us drank one glass, about 150 to 200 mL, we didn’t even finish that bottle. Yet, this particular colleague got wasted and I had to take him home in a taxi cab. For some reason that’s unclear to me, people like this are also at an inordinately higher risk than others to become alcoholics.

While the majority of white Caucasians can safely drink small amounts of alcohol, without the risk of becoming dependent, you may belong to the minority who totally and absolutely must avoid alcohol. Hypersensitivity to alcohol is also common among Japanese people and among Native Americans (American Indians).

I am a typical non-dependent male. When I buy a 12-pack of beer (12 x 0.33 L), it usually lasts me anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. I can drink 1 or 2 cans of beer with a good dinner, but I don’t get visibly drunk and I don’t feel like drinking more. You must understand, this is not because I have a stronger will or self-control than you. Simply, my body is made up differently, and it handles alcohol differently. For most people, it is even beneficial to drink small amounts of alcohol regularly, especially wines. Red wine contains the blue-colored plant compounds called antocyanins, while white wine contains the yellow flavonoids including quercetin and resveratrol. The mentioned compounds, found in grapes, blueberries, as well as in other fruits and flowers, keep our blood vessels healthy, protecting us from high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, cardiovascular and cerebral (brain) complications of aging. Beer is also healthy probably for the same reason. But as for you, you really must avoid alcohol (eat fruits to stay healthy).

Factors that predispose people to alcoholism are apparently transmitted in a hereditary manner within the family - just like the color of our eyes and hair.

Are any of your parents, uncles, aunts, or siblings (brothers, sisters) extremely sensitive to the effects of alcohol? Viktor, is there anyone in your family who visibly gets drunk after a single glass of wine, or a single bottle of beer? If there are other members in your family who are hypersensitive to alcohol, that’s practically a sure sign that you inherited this condition and you MUST STOP drinking alcohol. You must understand that you cannot compare yourself to other people who can drink more safely because their bodies can handle alcohol better than yours.

You may know that many people cannot drink milk, although this condition is less frequent in Europe and more prevalent in the USA. Well, such people’s bodies do not produce the enzyme that’s necessary for processing and degrading galactose, one of the components of animal milk. Other people (phenylketonurics) cannot process the amino acid phenylalanine which is found in proteins, and they have to stay on a special diet for their whole lives.

If my hunch is correct, you may be in a similar situation with regard to alcohol - and you will need to totally avoid alcohol for the rest of your life. I have also known alcoholics who were not hypersensitive to alcohol in the early phases of their alcohol dependency. However as the years passed, they became more sensitive, meaning that they would get drunk on less and less alcohol, and they hated it and knew that they had a serious problem, but they just couldn’t stop drinking. If you are one of these people who gets drunk after consuming smaller amounts of alcohol than a few years before, that’s also a very bad sign. In that case, you are getting closer and closer to the point of no return, where you won’t be able to stop your alcohol dependency on your own anymore, and you will need some serious medical help to handle the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.

I should also add that I have known roughly 15 alcoholics or former alcoholics in my life. Three of them put an absolute end to any consumption whatsoever, and they did very well and are doing very well to this day. However, the ones that didn’t stop drinking, went frighteningly downhill. A former roommate of mine is today homeless and unemployed. He was my roommate from 1991 to 1997, we shared one room in my employer’s dormitory. At that time, he had a stable job and a very nice girlfriend. By now, he lost it all…

 

[moen]

Because I believe that the poster “vesnianka” and the poster “ViktorKyiv” are the same person.I am afraid I do think this is a sick joke, yes.If your life was falling apart you’d be speaking to your mother, your sister, your aunt, a close personal friend, a spiritual advisor that your know personally, you would not be talking to total strangers on the internet.

I hope I am wrong. But I don’t think I am.

*Sounds like you really are among strangers, *AmongStrangers…
I’m stunned that someone on a Christian forum would have the nerve to post something like this. Wow.

 

[firstmode]

it’s somewhat comical that the couple is engaging in a back and forth on the internet. may be a fake post but if not…tons of people in eastern europe smoke like fiends. So smoking cigarettes is really not that big of a deal that you’d have to cancel a wedding over!! and the guy only drinks beer—really inconsequential when compared to all the heavy vodka drinkers in that part of the world… How do you stay away from the vodka?? To get really sloshed from beer you have to consume at least 10-15 beers (then again, the beer may be stronger there than in the US) so maybe less. The point is, if you stop cold turkey, I highly doubt if you’ll get the DTs (severe withdrawal symptoms such as seizures, etc).

So if this situation is in fact legitimate, I think the lady is overreacting by canceling the wedding. Doesnt seem like that big of an obstacle for the guy to overcome.

You say that it is ok for him to drink beer? He is getting drunk many times a week, you know, drunkeness, a sin in the Catholic church?

You Catholics confuse me sometimes, I had to sit through a 25 minute conversation once about what is drunkeness and what is the exact moment it happens with the alchohol, where you get tipsy and then that stage slowly turns to drunkeness, then when it gets to that point, it then becomes a sin.

LOL, you are still walking around tipsy with your inhibitions lowered. You Catholics and your alchohol…

 

[firstmode]

You know something - quantity is totally irrelevant. If she does not want to marry someone who drinks (for whatever reason and whatever quantity) that is her prerogative. She does not have to excuse herself or apologize or explain. She wants him to not be drinking - period. I see no problems with that. I was in an 11 year relationship with someone who drank and I was sick to death of his behavior, what most people would have considered as socially acceptable. To me it was still altering who he was and I could not stand it.

With regard to smoking. My mother smokes and refuses to quit. She enjoys it and feels it is a part of who she is. It is ruining her marriage. Her husband hates it that she smokes. She is starting to have breathing problems now (she is 61). He works for a company that supplies oxygen and medical breathing devices to people with COPD and other similar diseases. He KNOWS what this does to people and he has nearly had it with her not quitting. He does not want to see her end up as he sees some of his patients and knows what it’s doing to her. She refuses to quit.

Two relationships totally ruined by what most people would consider socially acceptable behavior. If this woman wants a man who does not smoke or drink then that’s what she needs to look for, and accept no compromises and make no apologies for what she wants. And if he is not willing to change FOREVER to make the relationship work then they are done.

~Liza

 

[Jenny_Z]

You say that it is ok for him to drink beer? He is getting drunk many times a week, you know, drunkeness, a sin in the Catholic church?

You Catholics confuse me sometimes, I had to sit through a 25 minute conversation once about what is drunkeness and what is the exact moment it happens with the alchohol, where you get tipsy and then that stage slowly turns to drunkeness, then when it gets to that point, it then becomes a sin.

LOL, you are still walking around tipsy with your inhibitions lowered. You Catholics and your alchohol…

You know what’s awesome? Lumping a group of people together and generalizing them because of the actions of a few. Yup, totally awesome.

 

[blaskoman]

I am not condoning drunkenness. I was simply trying to look at the big picture. The fiancee should balance the scales and determine if the positives outweigh the negatives as reflected by all the drinking and smoking…It’s my belief that it would be easier for someone to wean himself off beer as opposed to hard liquor. I think the guy as a fighting chance!

 

[chevalier]

You know something - quantity is totally irrelevant. If she does not want to marry someone who drinks (for whatever reason and whatever quantity) that is her prerogative. She does not have to excuse herself or apologize or explain. She wants him to not be drinking - period. I see no problems with that. I was in an 11 year relationship with someone who drank and I was sick to death of his behavior, what most people would have considered as socially acceptable. To me it was still altering who he was and I could not stand it.

I must take issue, although to a small extent. I don’t think it is fair to make ultimata of the kind of, “change to whatever I want or I’m leaving you.” It is approximately fine to stick to one’s wishes of only marrying a person who has this or that quality. On the other hand, in a relationship that concerns two people, it is not fine to try and achieve a position of power prevailing over the position of the other person. Further, there is nothing wrong with having a beer or two or a cup or two of fine with dinner or even while conversing with friends - this must cast light on how appropriate and reasonable it is to expect someone totally to give up alcohol.

Frankly, if a lady told me to quit drinking any alcohol at all or else shouldn’t marry me, I would call off the engagement in no minute and fondness of beer or wine wouldn’t be the reason. I could live without beer or wine, but I couldn’t live with a person trying to have power over me and control me with threats of interrupting the relationship.

At the same time, if a quantity of alcohol makes one drunk, one shouldn’t drink that quantity of alcohol. Getting drunk is not normal or good at all and getting tipsy like 3 times a week isn’t normal or good either, at least not in a normal working week. That in my view is a sign of problem that needs therapy, yes.

As for smoking, it’s similar to alcohol. It is not necessarily a sin to use tobacco in moderation and our obligation to take care of our bodies does not extend to being “healthy lifestyle” enthusiasts. Life is much better without cigarettes, but I don’t think smoking morally disqualifies people. Smoking a lot, however, is akin to suicide in instalments. If a cigarette took away 5 minutes of one’s life (estimates aren’t clear and they aren’t in agreement, so let’s take 5 for the sake of argument), then 20 cigarettes would take 100 minutes of one’s life. Each day, one would give up 100 minutes of his life, which is 1 hour and 40 minutes, for 20 cigarettes. And the tobacco doesn’t probably taste all that well, let alone the money spent and the smell on one’s clothes afterward. Now make it 40. That’s 200 minutes. That’s 3 hours and 20 minutes. Do that for a year and you give up 7300 minutes. That’s 121 and 2/3 hours. That’s five full days (24 hour day cycles) and a bit. When one’s dying, one will probably wish one could have all that time instead of the cigarettes. This killed all the fun for me when I enjoyed one or two cigarettes as a young university student. I stopped before I would start buying for myself instead of being given or two by smokers, who often skipped me when sharing, saying it wouldn’t be good for me to start. So don’t do it. But it doesn’t morally disqualify a person, no.

One should be careful to mind one’s health especially when one is starting a family. Our health affects our spouses and children. It affects other people too. It’s not just our own business. At the same time, it’s not good to control other people’s lives and force them out of bad habits. Whenever we feel the urge to correct a smoker or drinker, we should ask ourselves whether we’re concerned with his health or whether we want to be his healthy lifestyle guru. Our demands should be reasonable, because we are not superior to the person who’s in a relationship with us, such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, husband, wife, friends, family members.

Vesnianka, Viktor, maybe you should get a mediator? A third party, professional (and I mean a professional, yes there are professional mediators) and not interested. He could help you start talking about it constructively and arrive at a solution respecting both of you’s rights and the balance between you, as in not making one of you make the decision and the other one cave in, but rather a mutual decision and solution. Mediation is good when negotiations don’t go forward. There’s no reason to quit talking yet. A therapist or counsellor might be able to do that. But you’d better go to someone reliable.

 

[Jan_Bolbot]

God brings good from all things, even evil, if we trust in him.

I know this part of the world quite well, including Ukraine. Yes, drinking and smoking are quite common. However, many, many people neither drink nor smoke. To use larger social ills as an excuse for one’s own behavior is not acceptable. To make excuses for one’s drinking is a sign of addiction (though not hard proof).

Taking the exchange at face value and assuming good will on both sides, I think that Viktor must prove himself. He should stop all drinking, all smoking for at least a year, and never take it up again then, perhaps he can present himself again to Vesni re-start their relationship from the beginning. A person who cannot commit to such serious change is not ready for marriage. Then Vesni may choose to go forward or not. In any event, giving up drinking and smoking will be good, period, marriage or no.

What’s also troubling to me, knowing the social and economic conditions in Ukraine, is that having permanent residency or citizenship in the US is a highly prized thing. Those who are married to a permanent resident or citizen are themselves eligible to live and work in the US. More than one “marriage” has been contracted on this basis–the embassy in Kyiv sees this all the time. I can’t tell you the number of stories I have heard of divorces that occur as soon as the alien spouse gets a green card. So, I think there is an additional burden here to prove that this is not the case.

To coin a phrase “Milosc zada ofiary”–Love Requires Sacrifice.

JB

 

[vesnianka]

Hello ALL!

I have the most awesome story about the power of prayer. After my previous threads about this situation, I actually had gotten married, and almost immediately regretted my decision of going through with the wedding. Oh, I was kicking myself all the way to the end of the earth! Months went by and my situation at home got worse, and worse and worse, all the way to the point that I was 1 millimeter away from divorcing.

For over a month (about 6-7 weeks), I prayed to God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, all the saints in heaven and anyone in Purgatory who’d pitch in a ‘prayer or two’ to help me save my marriage. I prayed with my entire soul - so deeply, honestly and humbly and wept and wept and wept for my marriage. I kept reminding God that He hates divorce, but I had no choice unless He steps in to purify and cleanse this marriage.

There was a moment in our marriage that finally culminated to a breaking point where God stepped in and literally, from that moment my husband did a 180 degree turnabout. I seriously (but happily) don’t recognize my hubbie. He’s an absolute dream! So, helpful, kind, warm-hearted, thoughtful, funny, and sweet.

I can now say, THANKS TO GOD, my marriage is the kind I used to dream about!

Thank you, God, for your loving grace and mercy. I love You.

 

[Serap]

Hello ALL!

I have the most awesome story about the power of prayer. After my previous threads about this situation, I actually had gotten married, and almost immediately regretted my decision of going through with the wedding. Oh, I was kicking myself all the way to the end of the earth! Months went by and my situation at home got worse, and worse and worse, all the way to the point that I was 1 millimeter away from divorcing.

For over a month (about 6-7 weeks), I prayed to God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, all the saints in heaven and anyone in Purgatory who’d pitch in a ‘prayer or two’ to help me save my marriage. I prayed with my entire soul - so deeply, honestly and humbly and wept and wept and wept for my marriage. I kept reminding God that He hates divorce, but I had no choice unless He steps in to purify and cleanse this marriage.

There was a moment in our marriage that finally culminated to a breaking point where God stepped in and literally, from that moment my husband did a 180 degree turnabout. I seriously (but happily) don’t recognize my hubbie. He’s an absolute dream! So, helpful, kind, warm-hearted, thoughtful, funny, and sweet.

I can now say, THANKS TO GOD, my marriage is the kind I used to dream about!

Thank you, God, for your loving grace and mercy. I love You.

That’s beautiful!!!

 

[Onedayatatime]

I wish I could see the IPs from where these posts originate …

This is a very dark post, I think the humor may be lost on most of us …

 

[Onedayatatime]

Hello ALL!

I have the most awesome story about the power of prayer. After my previous threads about this situation, I actually had gotten married, and almost immediately regretted my decision of going through with the wedding. Oh, I was kicking myself all the way to the end of the earth! Months went by and my situation at home got worse, and worse and worse, all the way to the point that I was 1 millimeter away from divorcing.

For over a month (about 6-7 weeks), I prayed to God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, all the saints in heaven and anyone in Purgatory who’d pitch in a ‘prayer or two’ to help me save my marriage. I prayed with my entire soul - so deeply, honestly and humbly and wept and wept and wept for my marriage. I kept reminding God that He hates divorce, but I had no choice unless He steps in to purify and cleanse this marriage.

There was a moment in our marriage that finally culminated to a breaking point where God stepped in and literally, from that moment my husband did a 180 degree turnabout. I seriously (but happily) don’t recognize my hubbie. He’s an absolute dream! So, helpful, kind, warm-hearted, thoughtful, funny, and sweet.

I can now say, THANKS TO GOD, my marriage is the kind I used to dream about!

Thank you, God, for your loving grace and mercy. I love You.

Sorry about my previous post, I missed your happy ending as I was reading through the thread.

Praise the Lord!

 

[vesnianka]

OOOOH! Forgot to say the most important thing ~ HE DOESN’T DRINK ANYMORE ~ 6 MONTHS SOBER AND NO INTEREST IN DRINKING AGAIN!

 

[Spirithound]

Congratulations Viktor