Cancer..and New relationship

[lostinCA]

Hi there…

I am new here. Thanks for reading my post. I have been dating a divorced father of 3 for about 4 months now. I have seen signs every once in awhile that he may be a bit too self involved for my taste…but I’m trying to give it time. I really, really like him. He’s a good dad etc. Although, I haven’t met his children yet…only his parents.

Here are my concerns --and I’m wondering if they are my issues or REAL issues. He will go days …just texting me…instead of calling. He may have his kids or something…which is fine. But, he will only text vs…picking up the phone and just calling me to say goodnight.

Now, I just found out this week that I have to have further tests - there’s some concern that I may have breast cancer. My boyfriend was out of town on business when I got the news. I didn’t want to tell him via text or when he was in meetings. So, he texted me and told me he missed me. Then said he was going to dinner … with some colleagues. The next thing I got was a text a few hours later saying “good night…so tired.”

I responded and told him I really wanted to be able to talk with him via phone…that he never even asked how my day was… He said he was so tired. It was 9:30pm. I responded and told him I was feeling really unimportant and wanted to do more than this texting stuff… He* texted *back and said he understood …apologized for his crazy schedule…told me he missed me and GOODNIGHT.

He finally called me the next morning and asked what it was that I wanted to talk about …and I told him. He told me I should have called him…I said I didn’t want to bother him…but it was clear that he just wanted to go to sleep. Anyway, we agreed to try to communicate better etc.

Well - now that he knows that i have tests next week…he hasn’t offered to go with me or anything. In fact …he says he’s “there for me” but he didn’t call or text this morning and ask how I was coping or anything.

Am I expecting too much from him? He is on a business trip…and I am obviously VERY scared about my health…so maybe I’m freaking out unnecessarily. I just know that I would be right there for him if he had a cancer scare…not sure he will be willing to do the same.

What should I think?

 

[juno24]

You know, this brings to mind one of my favorite quotes. Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” This man is showing you who he is, and you recognize it. Believe him. He is showing you that he is not as caring, compassionate or intuitive as you would like him to be. If you can live with that, keep dating him. If not, listen to your instincts and move on.
I hope your tests come out benign. I know how scary the waiting is. My prayers are with you.

 

[lostinCA]

Do you think I’m asking too much of him? I don’t want to be a crazy psycho girlfriend…I guess I am just wondering what the objective view is.

Also - this week I had been approached with a job offer in Boston. I had told him that I wasn’t going to even go on the interview…for various reasons…one of them …includes him.

Now that this has come up …I have really started to question if I’m making the right decision. I want to talk with him about it…and see if we are in the same place…emotionally. He hasn’t introduced me to his kids yet…although…he has made comments about how we are destined to be together.

It’s a tough subject… for me to bring up. Should I avoid it? Or should I ask him where he’s at? I don’t want to force his hand…

 

[maltmom]

You know, this brings to mind one of my favorite quotes. Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” This man is showing you who he is, and you recognize it. Believe him. He is showing you that he is not as caring, compassionate or intuitive as you would like him to be. If you can live with that, keep dating him. If not, listen to your instincts and move on.
I hope your tests come out benign. I know how scary the waiting is. My prayers are with you.

Agreed a thousand times over. You also didn’t mention it, but if he doesn’t have a decree of nullity he’s not free to date you or marry.

You are in my prayers. Surround yourself with those who love and support you. Go to Adoration. I know you are afraid. As a cancer survivor my heart breaks for you. Please keep us posted on your results. We are here to pray for you and to lend you a shoulder.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You should probably cut your losses with this man. Now. Before your life gets any harder or more complicated. He hasn’t managed to “be there” for you when you just wanted a phone call to tell him about your upcoming tests. If you have cancer you do not need to be worried about where your relationship with him is going and wondering if he’s going to be there for you on any given day. You need to take this time leading up to your diagnosis and treatment to reach out to your friends and family, connect with them, and hopefully figure out who your support person/advocate is going to be. That’s the person that will accompany you to your appointments and if their schedule allows your treatments. You can have a different person every time, but it is far better for you and your healthcare team to have the same person every time.

You don’t know yet how big or small this is. If it’s just a scare or a small lump that can be easily handled you’re going to be left looking at him wondering if he couldn’t handle that how will he be there when something big happens. If this is a big medical issue you’re going to be wondering why you’re alone for the millionth scan and blood draw, why you’re going through treatment alone (some of which can be very nasty) and why no one is there asking your doctor the hard questions that you’re too dazed to think about.

Get away from this guy.

 

[lostinCA]

Thank you for the feedback. It’s tough…I really, really like him. But, part of me wonders if I just keep chasing…because I can’t get all of him.

I guess I just expected that he would offer to go with me to my appointment…is that asking too much? Even so – a phone call to check in and see how i’m coping? I didn’t hear from him today while he’s on the business trip…so I broke down and texted him “thinking of you.”

He responded “thinking of you too…jumping on a conference call.”

So…I guess I know where I stand. Really sucks…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Do you think I’m asking too much of him? I don’t want to be a crazy psycho girlfriend…I guess I am just wondering what the objective view is.

Also - this week I had been approached with a job offer in Boston. I had told him that I wasn’t going to even go on the interview…for various reasons…one of them …includes him.

Now that this has come up …I have really started to question if I’m making the right decision. I want to talk with him about it…and see if we are in the same place…emotionally. He hasn’t introduced me to his kids yet…although…he has made comments about how we are destined to be together.

It’s a tough subject… for me to bring up. Should I avoid it? Or should I ask him where he’s at? I don’t want to force his hand…

No, don’t give up job interviews for this guy. If its been months and he’s making comments about how you are “destined to be together” but he hasn’t taken the step of introducing you to his kids, there’s a good chance that he is either seeing someone else, or married. From what you’ve written this guy is very suspicious.

 

[juno24]

Do you think I’m asking too much of him? I don’t want to be a crazy psycho girlfriend…I guess I am just wondering what the objective view is.

If asking him to actually speak with you, rather than send you words over an electronic device is too much for him, then cut your losses! Asking for real communication between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not too much. Asking for him to be concerned when you have a cancer scare is not asking too much. FOR HIM, it may be too much to give, so again, cut your losses.

Also - this week I had been approached with a job offer in Boston. I had told him that I wasn’t going to even go on the interview…for various reasons…one of them …includes him.

Take him off the consideration list and reevaluate. Are you other reasons so strong that you should not even consider the job? If yes, then decline the interview. If the other reasons are only potential deal breakers, go on the interview, consider your options, and wait for a response from the company.

Now that this has come up …I have really started to question if I’m making the right decision. I want to talk with him about it…and see if we are in the same place…emotionally. He hasn’t introduced me to his kids yet…although…he has made comments about how we are destined to be together.

It’s a tough subject… for me to bring up. Should I avoid it? Or should I ask him where he’s at? I don’t want to force his hand…

From what you have said, you are not on the same page emotionally. Should you bring it up? YES! You are not forcing his hand if you have already discussed being married. Although, I must say, the way you phrased it earlier is quite telling. You say he talks about you being his children’s stepmother, not his wife. Do you see the distinction?
I will say, the one thing he has done RIGHT is not introducing you to his children. He is not ready be your boyfriend, let alone marry you, and it is of no benefit for the children to become emotionally involved at this point.

 

[lostinCA]

Should I tell him i’m still interviewing?

Should I have THAT talk with him?

It’s odd…he tells me that meeting his kids is really a big deal for him…which I totally understand - but it’s really hard for me to cope with the fact that he hasn’t introduced me yet. Within a few weeks he said he would…but then hasn’t followed through. I really want to ask him WHEN he plans on doing it…but I don’t want to pressure him.

I told him that a friend of mine was introducing their child to someone …and he said that it’s awful when people introduce kids to partners too early. Kinda hit me in the gut.

 

[lostinCA]

“You say he talks about you being his children’s stepmother, not his wife. Do you see the distinction”

Actually…he’s never said this to me. I think that was another poster. He hasn’t talked about that at all with me.

I just don’t want to be a “clinger”…It’s only been 3 and half months…maybe I should avoid pressuring him? I don’t know… I just don’t know WHAT to say to him.

I feel like I’m constantly second guessing his every move…becuase I don’t know where he’s at in the relationship. I DO know that he wants to have the physical part…THAT is for sure…

The rest…seems to be less important to him.

If asking him to actually speak with you, rather than send you words over an electronic device is too much for him, then cut your losses! Asking for real communication between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not too much. Asking for him to be concerned when you have a cancer scare is not asking too much. FOR HIM, it may be too much to give, so again, cut your losses.

Take him off the consideration list and reevaluate. Are you other reasons so strong that you should not even consider the job? If yes, then decline the interview. If the other reasons are only potential deal breakers, go on the interview, consider your options, and wait for a response from the company.

From what you have said, you are not on the same page emotionally. Should you bring it up? YES! You are not forcing his hand if you have already discussed being married. Although, I must say, the way you phrased it earlier is quite telling. You say he talks about you being his children’s stepmother, not his wife. Do you see the distinction?
I will say, the one thing he has done RIGHT is not introducing you to his children. He is not ready be your boyfriend, let alone marry you, and it is of no benefit for the children to become emotionally involved at this point.

 

[maltmom]

He’s telling you something without coming out and telling you. Please read the book “He is Not That Into You.” A man who care about you will do whatever it takes to talk to you. He’ll give up sleep to call…hearing your voice would be that important to him. Hearing you may have cancer…a man who really cares will go into fix it and protective mode. If he’s out of town, he would burn the phone lines up trying to get all of the details from you.

 

[juno24]

“You say he talks about you being his children’s stepmother, not his wife. Do you see the distinction”

Actually…he’s never said this to me. I think that was another poster. He hasn’t talked about that at all with me.

I realized that after I hit send. I was reading another thread with a similar topic and got the 2 confused. So sorry for that!

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Lost,

First off I will pray that your test back that you have nothing to worry about.

From a man’s perspective – you should move past this guy. As others have stated – he has shown you how much he cares or how little he cares. You are correct that he should have gone with you to your appointment, or at the very least find out when it was and call you afterwards. I am not saying that he is this way but I have seen guys that are divorced and they have no intentions of getting into a long term or permanent relationship, but they still want a “relationship” because they are selfish. They will tell you what you want to hear and play the nice guy and then after a while just move on without any concern for your feelings (yes some women are that way also.)

As a side note on the Job in Boston, if they still want to interview you – you should go even if it is just to get some experience interviewing and also to see what a New England winter can be like.

Stay Strong and trust in God for all things, you will be fine.

Winter

 

[lostinCA]

So true – I guess that means I should just end it? Or should I talk to him about it?

His ex-wife left him – they have 3 kids. He talks poorly about her all the time…and she may be something awful…I don’t know. But, I bet she felt alone and isolated…too.

Maybe that’s why she left him?

He’s telling you something without coming out and telling you. Please read the book “He is Not That Into You.” A man who care about you will do whatever it takes to talk to you. He’ll give up sleep to call…hearing your voice would be that important to him. Hearing you may have cancer…a man who really cares will go into fix it and protective mode. If he’s out of town, he would burn the phone lines up trying to get all of the details from you.

 

[juno24]

Lost, why are you so afraid to discuss important relationship issues with him? If you are truly meant to be married, discussing major issues is an absolute MUST! If you can’t do that, then you are not ready to be discussing marriage at all.
And, as I intimated in my recent post, I agree that he should not be introducing his kids to you. That is one thing that he is doing right. You have to be sure that you are compatible and will actually marry before bringing his children into the equation. It is a bad sign that he tells you that he will introduce you, and then puts it off indefinitely. It is a very poor reflection on him because he seems to just be telling you what you want to hear. However, if he really does have 3 children, it is best for them that they not meet you and get emotionally involved.

Edited to add: The above statement is not a reflection on you. It is statement on the nature of children of divorce. They often tend to fall in love with the new person because the parent and new partner try so very hard to make things nice. In so many cases, the parent does not marry that person and the children are hurt all over again.

 

[lostinCA]

We haven’t talked about marriage…really. That hasn’t come up. The only things he will say …include: “i don’t want to be with anyone other than you”… “I am feel so lucky that I met you…”… “I’ve never met anyone like you before…”

He’s said positive things… but I am afraid to look at him and say
“hey…where are we at here.” Maybe I should? I just don’t want to look like I’m too needy or clingy…

It’s been 3.5 months…maybe I’d be pushing things by asking him?

 

[runningdude]

Hi there…

I am new here. Thanks for reading my post. I have been dating a divorced father of 3 for about 4 months now. I have seen signs every once in awhile that he may be a bit too self involved for my taste…but I’m trying to give it time. I really, really like him. He’s a good dad etc. Although, I haven’t met his children yet…only his parents.

Here are my concerns --and I’m wondering if they are my issues or REAL issues. He will go days …just texting me…instead of calling. He may have his kids or something…which is fine. But, he will only text vs…picking up the phone and just calling me to say goodnight.

Now, I just found out this week that I have to have further tests - there’s some concern that I may have breast cancer. My boyfriend was out of town on business when I got the news. I didn’t want to tell him via text or when he was in meetings. So, he texted me and told me he missed me. Then said he was going to dinner … with some colleagues. The next thing I got was a text a few hours later saying “good night…so tired.”

I responded and told him I really wanted to be able to talk with him via phone…that he never even asked how my day was… He said he was so tired. It was 9:30pm. I responded and told him I was feeling really unimportant and wanted to do more than this texting stuff… He* texted *back and said he understood …apologized for his crazy schedule…told me he missed me and GOODNIGHT.

He finally called me the next morning and asked what it was that I wanted to talk about …and I told him. He told me I should have called him…I said I didn’t want to bother him…but it was clear that he just wanted to go to sleep. Anyway, we agreed to try to communicate better etc.

Well - now that he knows that i have tests next week…he hasn’t offered to go with me or anything. In fact …he says he’s “there for me” but he didn’t call or text this morning and ask how I was coping or anything.

Am I expecting too much from him? He is on a business trip…and I am obviously VERY scared about my health…so maybe I’m freaking out unnecessarily. I just know that I would be right there for him if he had a cancer scare…not sure he will be willing to do the same.

What should I think?

I am sorry to hear about your potential cancer.

The details you provide raise several red flags for me. Unfortunately, the first flag was that this man is potentially married . Divorce is an ugly thing, and the lack of empathy he is displaying may have lead to his wife and he separating. I can’t recommend you continue to date this man unless he seeks an annulment, demonstrating that his first marriage was invalid.

If you will continue to have a relationship with this man, then you must make clear what your expectations for him are as you handle your tests and possible treatments. You can’t hope he will magically know what you need. If he is unable to provide what you need, then consider ending the relationship. All relationships should be about discerning marriage, and marriage vows include supporting each other “in sickness and in health” (Of course, his previous marriage situation would have to be sorted out before you two could marry.)

How he handles your illness is a watershed moment. He will either step up, or flop. Should he flop, you now know to look for someone more reliable. YOU deserve the best.

 

[lostinCA]

I guess I just feel like I need to find out where he is… in this relationship.

And I shouldn’t have to ASK him to check in on me or text me…to see how I’m doing, right?

I want to talk to him tonight - when he gets back. What SHOULD I say to him and what SHOULDN"T? I obviously shouldn’t bring up his kids… but with this opportunity for a move…I want to guage things. But - I obviously know that he’s already worried that I would leave him …to move to another city. So, I don’t want to THREATEN him in a place where he’s already vulverable.

So what is okay to say … so I don’t have to worry about saying TOO Much?

 

[SaintCephas]

Am I expecting too much from him? Yes.

What should I think?

You should be thinking,
“…The Lord Jesus Christ is available, able and willing to meet ALL of my needs beyond what I can imagine. I’ll spend an hour in adoration to ask Jesus ‘What should I think?’ And while I’m there I’ll take some action. I’ll pray for his three children and for myself.”
“…hmm…I wonder what Our Blessed Mother Mary thinks about this?”

For all believers, during Eucharistic Adoration, we “watch and wait”, we remain “silent” in His Presence and open ourselves to His Graces which flow from the Eucharist … By worshiping the Eucharistic Jesus, we become what God wants us to be! Like a magnet, The Lord draws us to Himself and gently transforms us.

 

[lostinCA]

Maybe I just need to be honest with him. Tell him that I’m feeling uncertain and vulnerable and I need to know where he’s at in the relationship.

Honesty - can’t be bad…can it?

I suppose it can - if I’m expecting too much – too early.

He did text that he was going back into another conference. He asked how my day was…and I said “it’s been a tough one…dealing with all these tests”. He hasn’t replied.