Cannot Figure Out What to Do

[lonegreywolf20]

My wife and I need counseling and in a hurry. However, everything that I have looked at is too expensive for us. With us only surviving off of my wife’s disability, what we can afford doesn’t come close to what these places want.

Our last hope was someplace that has services for low income people, but because we have medicaid share-of-cost, they have to charge us full price, not a lower fee because we are low income. The first visit is $160.00. Then $73.00 thereafter, and we have to travel over 20 miles for the sessions in old beat-up cars, that get horrible gas mileage.

I called my parish, but they referred me to Catholic charities and Catholic charities, at least in my neck of the woods has shut down their counseling program. All the other churches in the area all charge way too much for counseling. They want at least $75.00 an hour.

What we have are communication issues that we cannot seem to resolve on our own. We have had communication issues pretty much all 4 years that we have been married and they are just getting worse.

I believe we are on the verge of divorce.

I have heard of retrouvaille, but they are over $100 and the closest ones to us are all over 50 miles away. If we only had to go once it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is six weeks after the initial weekend. They are just too far away.

I was able to find counseling online for $18 a month, but she turned that down, saying it needed to be in person.

 

[UbiCaritas]

My wife and I need counseling and in a hurry. However, everything that I have looked at is too expensive for us. With us only surviving off of my wife’s disability, what we can afford doesn’t come close to what these places want.

Our last hope was someplace that has services for low income people, but because we have medicaid share-of-cost, they have to charge us full price, not a lower fee because we are low income. The first visit is $160.00. Then $73.00 thereafter, and we have to travel over 20 miles for the sessions in old beat-up cars, that get horrible gas mileage.

I called my parish, but they referred me to Catholic charities and Catholic charities, at least in my neck of the woods has shut down their counseling program. All the other churches in the area all charge way too much for counseling. They want at least $75.00 an hour.

What we have are communication issues that we cannot seem to resolve on our own. We have had communication issues pretty much all 4 years that we have been married and they are just getting worse.

I believe we are on the verge of divorce.

I have heard of retrouvaille, but they are over $100 and the closest ones to us are all over 50 miles away. If we only had to go once it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is six weeks after the initial weekend. They are just too far away.

I was able to find counseling online for $18 a month, but she turned that down, saying it needed to be in person.

What a difficult situation to be in! Plus, money issues often exacerbate other issues. You have my sympathy.

I know you said you called your parish, but did you ask if there is any way you could meet with your priest or with a permanent deacon about the communication issues? They wouldn’t charge anything, and might be able to offer some helpful insights. Of course, some are more effective than others, but it can’t hurt to ask, right?

 

[lonegreywolf20]

What a difficult situation to be in! Plus, money issues often exacerbate other issues. You have my sympathy.

I know you said you called your parish, but did you ask if there is any way you could meet with your priest or with a permanent deacon about the communication issues? They wouldn’t charge anything, and might be able to offer some helpful insights. Of course, some are more effective than others, but it can’t hurt to ask, right?

I did ask, yes, I was told no, they do not.

I am sure I could bring it up to them during confession, but we need more help than a couple minutes of advice. We need a mediator that can sort out our problem and then give us practical ways to alleviate the issues.

 

[Pax2u]

What is the reason you are not working? Perhaps your wife is stressed at your not bringing in any income?

 

[lonegreywolf20]

What is the reason you are not working? Perhaps your wife is stressed at your not bringing in any income?

I am not working because I am her full-time caregiver.

I do have a pet sitting thing that I do on the side, but it doesn’t bring in much as I only have one client. They call me maybe once a month, and right now I am unable to do it because I severely sprained my ankle back at the end of November and I am under doctor’s orders to stay off of it.

Me staying home is something that we have discussed at length and we both agree that it is best for me to stay home and do the pet sitting thing.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I did ask, yes, I was told no, they do not.

I am sure I could bring it up to them during confession, but we need more help than a couple minutes of advice. We need a mediator that can sort out our problem and then give us practical ways to alleviate the issues.

Well, I suppose that is marginally–and I do mean marginally–preferable to asking the two of you to come in for a counseling session and then utterly bungling it, but really? Honestly, unless you’re in one of those parishes which has one priest who’s in charge of four different churches, this is not acceptable behavior. I suppose that’s neither here nor there, however. I’m sorry you had them tell you that. Are there any other parishes in your area that might have more…oh, man, I am trying to be charitable here…accessible priests or permanent deacons? You’ve probably though of that already, but just on the odd chance you haven’t…

A book that my then-fiancé and I read during our marriage prep was A Lasting Promise, by Scott Stanley. It’s written from a Christian perspective, not a Catholic perspective, but as I recall there’s nothing in there (aside from a brief mention of birth control) that’s contrary to Catholic teaching. It has a lot of good information and suggestions on communication, though. Our priest recommended it, and while we haven’t had trouble with communication ourselves, I can imagine that a lot of the tools in it might be helpful for a couple struggling with that. Obviously, it wouldn’t be the same as sitting down with a counselor, but maybe some of the tools would work in your marriage. It’s available for a penny plus shipping on Amazon, or you might be able to get it at your library.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Well, I suppose that is marginally–and I do mean marginally–preferable to asking the two of you to come in for a counseling session and then utterly bungling it, but really? Honestly, unless you’re in one of those parishes which has one priest who’s in charge of four different churches, this is not acceptable behavior. I suppose that’s neither here nor there, however. I’m sorry you had them tell you that. Are there any other parishes in your area that might have more…oh, man, I am trying to be charitable here…accessible priests or permanent deacons? You’ve probably though of that already, but just on the odd chance you haven’t…

A book that my then-fiancé and I read during our marriage prep was A Lasting Promise, by Scott Stanley. It’s written from a Christian perspective, not a Catholic perspective, but as I recall there’s nothing in there (aside from a brief mention of birth control) that’s contrary to Catholic teaching. It has a lot of good information and suggestions on communication, though. Our priest recommended it, and while we haven’t had trouble with communication ourselves, I can imagine that a lot of the tools in it might be helpful for a couple struggling with that. Obviously, it wouldn’t be the same as sitting down with a counselor, but maybe some of the tools would work in your marriage. It’s available for a penny plus shipping on Amazon, or you might be able to get it at your library.

Yes, I have talked with another parish, and it is the same thing there as well.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will look into it.

 

[tawny]

What a difficult situation to be in! Plus, money issues often exacerbate other issues. You have my sympathy.

I know you said you called your parish, but did you ask if there is any way you could meet with your priest or with a permanent deacon about the communication issues? They wouldn’t charge anything, and might be able to offer some helpful insights. Of course, some are more effective than others, but it can’t hurt to ask, right?

Agree. Check and see if your parish has a couples group where married couples can come and talk about various issues and problems with a Priest or Deacon. Praying for you.

 

[Xantippe]

lonegreywolf20 said:

“I was able to find counseling online for $18 a month, but she turned that down, saying it needed to be in person.”

I second what people have said upthread about seeing a priest or permanent deacon and that this is a pretty basic pastoral responsibility. Remember Luke 18 and the parable of the unjust judge–call every week and be polite and civil, but be very persistent until you get an appointment for a joint meeting.

biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2018:1-8

I feel like the two of you primarily need to keep talking right now, and that the quality almost doesn’t matter.

If you can’t get in-person counseling at a rate you can afford, the online counseling sounds like a good idea (although I find the $18 somewhat suspiciously cheap). Point out to your wife that you can try it, and if she doesn’t like it, the only thing you’ve lost is a little time and $18.

I’m hoping, though, that you will be able to find a suitable priest or deacon.

Once your ankle is healed, your situation will be much less dire.

Best wishes!

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Agree. Check and see if your parish has a couples group where married couples can come and talk about various issues and problems with a Priest or Deacon. Praying for you.

I checked into that as well, and they do not. They had nothing for me beyond Catholic charities and when I called them to let them know that is a dead end, they didn’t know what else to tell me since they know of nothing more resource wise, except for private counselors.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yes, I have talked with another parish, and it is the same thing there as well.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will look into it.

Sigh. I just…words fail me. I’m sorry.

When you’re at a more stable point in your life, you might consider writing a letter to your bishop and the diocesan family life office (or whatever the equivalent is in your diocese) and cc’ing the priests in question. In it, explain the position you were put in by the lack of care shown to you by the priests and deacons at these parishes, and your experience with Catholic Charities, etc. Our culture makes marriage quite hard enough; getting no support for our marriages from our church is an unnecessary burden, and it isn’t just families who can afford to pay for marriage counseling who need it.

I hope the book offers you some tools that help your marriage. In the meantime, I’ve said a prayer for you, your wife, and your marriage. Kudos to you for fighting for it despite receiving so little help.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Sigh. I just…words fail me. I’m sorry.

When you’re at a more stable point in your life, you might consider writing a letter to your bishop and the diocesan family life office (or whatever the equivalent is in your diocese) and cc’ing the priests in question. In it, explain the position you were put in by the lack of care shown to you by the priests and deacons at these parishes, and your experience with Catholic Charities, etc. Our culture makes marriage quite hard enough; getting no support for our marriages from our church is an unnecessary burden, and it isn’t just families who can afford to pay for marriage counseling who need it.

I hope the book offers you some tools that help your marriage. In the meantime, I’ve said a prayer for you, your wife, and your marriage. Kudos to you for fighting for it despite receiving so little help.

Thank you for the advice, the kind words and the prayer. All of it is much appreciated.

 

[Xantippe]

lonegreywolf20 said:

“I called my parish, but they referred me to Catholic charities and Catholic charities, at least in my neck of the woods has shut down their counseling program.”

Were you perhaps deflected by an over-zealous parish secretary? If so, keep asking for the pastor or deacon. Keep calling until you’ve talked to every priest or deacon in reasonable commuting distance.

“I have heard of retrouvaille, but they are over $100 and the closest ones to us are all over 50 miles away. If we only had to go once it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is six weeks after the initial weekend. They are just too far away.”

That sounds very reasonable and probably the best option, but of course out of your price range. Don’t worry about the follow-up right now, as the important thing is to start.

I would suggest asking Retrouvaille and as many entities that you can think of for a “scholarship” to Retrouvaille (including gas money–let’s think big). Perhaps mention that as an alternative to pastoral counseling at the parish. There aren’t any scammers trying to score weekends at Retrouvaille, so it should be relatively easy to convince people that you are on the level.

If I knew you in person and I was sure that you would go, I would definitely scholarship you (or pretty much anybody) to Retrouvaille. I am sure that there is somebody in your community who has the funds and who feels exactly the same way.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

One other thing that comes to mind is that even if you live in a small, remote town, there are periodic personnel changes, so even if you hit a dead end, try again every time there’s a new priest or deacon in town.

Also, if you are getting nowhere with local parishes, talk to the diocese.

 

[Kal2012]

Some counselors are willing to work w/low-income people, but you need to explain your situation.

Also, major universities tend to student counselors (i.e. people working towards their Masters in counseling) who are available for the general public to use for low-cost.

I can emphasize because I’ve been in your position and there simply isn’t a huge pool of counselors/therapists who are willing to take low-income clients.

It’s also a rock/hard place for the therapists too because a lot of them would prefer not to take insurance, but clients beg for it because then they don’t have to pay so much out of pocket at one time.

Also, therapy doesn’t have to be in person. I used to think the same way, but the thing is doing the work that the therapist gives you to do in order to make the situation better. There are trade-offs, but for $18/month- that’s a steal. Even with insurance, I have to pay at least 20-25 for a co-pay. That adds up if you go every week or every other week.

I’d get wife to try it before dismissing the idea, given the huge cost savings. It’s one thing to try it and say that you don’t like it, but another to just be against it. At least, make an informed decision based on the experience, not what you think the experience is going to be.

Good luck!

 

[EasterJoy]

What have you tried on your own? If you have not tried it, I’d suggest going to the library and looking for books by John Gottman. He is a marriage researcher whose area is communications styles that lead to divorce and how to change them. Many of those have exercises in them that you might try. If you try that, it may at least help you to identify what the problem areas are, which could help paid-for counseling bear fruit in fewer sessions.

 

[MJJean]

Does your computer have a camera and mic? Perhaps call Catholic Charities again and get a list of counselors in your state and surrounding states. Then call around until you find one willing to do counseling sessions online using Skype. Not ideal, but better than nothing.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

What have you tried on your own? If you have not tried it, I’d suggest going to the library and looking for books by John Gottman. He is a marriage researcher whose area is communications styles that lead to divorce and how to change them. Many of those have exercises in them that you might try. If you try that, it may at least help you to identify what the problem areas are, which could help paid-for counseling bear fruit in fewer sessions.

Thank you.

I have the book “The seven principles for making marriage work” By John Gottman coming to me from my local Library. It should be here one day this week.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Does your computer have a camera and mic? Perhaps call Catholic Charities again and get a list of counselors in your state and surrounding states. Then call around until you find one willing to do counseling sessions online using Skype. Not ideal, but better than nothing.

My wife will not do skype. That online one that I found for $18 a month offered personal coaching via skype and a host of other things and she turned it down.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Well, I suppose that is marginally–and I do mean marginally–preferable to asking the two of you to come in for a counseling session and then utterly bungling it, but really? Honestly, unless you’re in one of those parishes which has one priest who’s in charge of four different churches, this is not acceptable behavior. I suppose that’s neither here nor there, however. I’m sorry you had them tell you that. Are there any other parishes in your area that might have more…oh, man, I am trying to be charitable here…accessible priests or permanent deacons? You’ve probably though of that already, but just on the odd chance you haven’t…

A book that my then-fiancé and I read during our marriage prep was A Lasting Promise, by Scott Stanley. It’s written from a Christian perspective, not a Catholic perspective, but as I recall there’s nothing in there (aside from a brief mention of birth control) that’s contrary to Catholic teaching. It has a lot of good information and suggestions on communication, though. Our priest recommended it, and while we haven’t had trouble with communication ourselves, I can imagine that a lot of the tools in it might be helpful for a couple struggling with that. Obviously, it wouldn’t be the same as sitting down with a counselor, but maybe some of the tools would work in your marriage. It’s available for a penny plus shipping on Amazon, or you might be able to get it at your library.

I ordered the book from Amazon, but not the penny one. It still cost me under 5.00 though. I had a leftover gift card for $10 on Amazon, so I utilized it.