Cannot Figure Out What to Do

[Linusthe2nd]

My wife and I need counseling and in a hurry. However, everything that I have looked at is too expensive for us. With us only surviving off of my wife’s disability, what we can afford doesn’t come close to what these places want.

Our last hope was someplace that has services for low income people, but because we have medicaid share-of-cost, they have to charge us full price, not a lower fee because we are low income. The first visit is $160.00. Then $73.00 thereafter, and we have to travel over 20 miles for the sessions in old beat-up cars, that get horrible gas mileage.

I called my parish, but they referred me to Catholic charities and Catholic charities, at least in my neck of the woods has shut down their counseling program. All the other churches in the area all charge way too much for counseling. They want at least $75.00 an hour.

What we have are communication issues that we cannot seem to resolve on our own. We have had communication issues pretty much all 4 years that we have been married and they are just getting worse.

I believe we are on the verge of divorce.

I have heard of retrouvaille, but they are over $100 and the closest ones to us are all over 50 miles away. If we only had to go once it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is six weeks after the initial weekend. They are just too far away.

I was able to find counseling online for $18 a month, but she turned that down, saying it needed to be in person.

Well, it is quite simple. On your part, at least, you can do something. When you wife begins to nag or harp, just ignor her. If you have to, leave the room, go outside, but do not respond at all until she calms down. Do your best to keep her happy and say nothing critical or hurtful to her, don’t argue with her at all. If she wants to leave, that will be her decision.

I’m not laying blame anywhere, I’m just telling you what you can do.
Why aren’t you working? Can’t you find something to do?

Linus2nd

 

[adv1sor]

I can’t add to the advice already given on finding counselling and using the internet and library. But I can, based on many years of marriage, guess that you both want this marriage to work.

If so, then make a commitment, today, to each other and to God, to stay together, regardless of the situation. Do whatever you can all the time to show her you love her. Don’t give up.

I’ll pray for you both.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Well, it is quite simple. On your part, at least, you can do something. When you wife begins to nag or harp, just ignor her. If you have to, leave the room, go outside, but do not respond at all until she calms down. Do your best to keep her happy and say nothing critical or hurtful to her, don’t argue with her at all. If she wants to leave, that will be her decision.

I’m not laying blame anywhere, I’m just telling you what you can do.

Linus2nd

I do my best to do that, but generally I am blindsided during a conversation.

What would make her happy is me understanding everything that she says and her understanding everything that I say. Our communication breaks down when we have two very different ways of doing something, especially when it comes to raising our daughter.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

I can’t add to the advice already given on finding counselling and using the internet and library. But I can, based on many years of marriage, guess that you both want this marriage to work.

If so, then make a commitment, today, to each other and to God, to stay together, regardless of the situation. Do whatever you can all the time to show her you love her. Don’t give up.

I’ll pray for you both.

Oh, I have told her that I committed to staying together, her, not so much. Every argument I am a loser, I am no good, we don’t belong together, we cannot agree on anything and we’re never going to and that shows we shouldn’t be together.

She wishes that I would just leave and never come back.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

It is very important that your counseling sessions take place in person. The counselor needs physical communication clues to gain insight. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Service with an emphasis on counseling. Although I have never worked in the field of counseling, I have studied it. I’ve also received individual and couples counseling.

It is really too bad that Catholic Charities is not offering counseling services in your area. I went to them when I needed to because I was overwhelmed with several major life changes happening at once. Not only was my counselor excellent and caring, the cost was very reasonable for my circumstances. If there is a program that offers Skype, that might work out, but I don’t think a Catholic Charities program has enough of an operating budget to cover that type of service and have never heard it.

I was also going to suggest calling a university to see of they have a program in place that uses students. When I received counseling through Catholic Charities all the counselors were students. My counselor was in a Master’s Program and had a goal of a doctorate.

Your county’s Department of Social Services or Department of Adult Services may have low income counseling services. It could take some phone calls to reach the right person with the info, but worth a try. In your situation, it might work to see if you can get an appointment with county social worker to discuss your concerns regarding counseling. I would like to see you get a face to face interview with someone who could listen and offer referrals or program placement.

If you are at a point were it seems divorce or her desire for you to leave is what you are facing, it could be possible for you to seek counseling through the court system. Some court systems have mediation services. That means going to the courthouse, usually, but it does not necessarily mean you are taking a step towards divorce.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi lonegreywolf20,

I am so sorry for the difficulties that you have encountered while trying to find counseling.

I can offer another suggestion, if you haven’t tried it yet. It is not a Catholic resource though. I don’t know if you would prefer to stay with a Catholic resource or not?

Have you tried your local low-cost community mental health clinic? They are usually run by your county division of health, and they offer counseling on a sliding fee scale, too.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Hi lonegreywolf20,

I am so sorry for the difficulties that you have encountered while trying to find counseling.

I can offer another suggestion, if you haven’t tried it yet. It is not a Catholic resource though. I don’t know if you would prefer to stay with a Catholic resource or not?

Have you tried your local low-cost community mental health clinic? They are usually run by your county division of health, and they offer counseling on a sliding fee scale, too.

Yes, I have. They do not offer marriage counseling.

The one thing I didn’t mention is that I myself receive individual counseling for depression there. They have recommended marriage counseling, but they themselves do not offer it.

 

[St_Francis]

What would happen to her if you left? Who would take care of her? Her attitude sems a bit impractical for someone who needs a full-time care-giver!

Which leads me to suspect that there may be a different problem…

But what I really wanted to write was to contact your diocese and/or Catholic Charities and ask them to *send a counselor to you. *At my old parish, the CC counselor would come once a month? Once a week? and have a group session for people in grief, and then see various people separately–not necessarily those in the group.

The diocese needs to learn that your area is not sufficiently served–the priests are too busy to do counseling and there is no CC counseling available? Yes, inform them, but do it by asking for help, iyswim.

If your wife is rather recently disabled, she may need her own help for that. Her doctor may be able to tell her about a support group. They often have those in hospitals, and sometimes groups for the caregivers as well.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Yes, I have. They do not offer marriage counseling.

The one thing I didn’t mention is that I myself receive individual counseling for depression there. They have recommended marriage counseling, but they themselves do not offer it.

I am glad you are getting individual counseling. That is especially important for a caregiver. Sometimes counselors will welcome a spouse (or other family member) into one of your individual counseling sessions if you ask. This helps your counselor get a better feel for your home life and relationships. Hopefully, your counselor with agree if you ask if your wife can join you for one session and tell your counselor you think it will aid in understanding your personal situation and feelings. That will be a start, anyway, a little help.

It is amazing that they don’t offer marriage counseling. See if the words “family counseling” with get you anywhere. You mentioned you have a daughter. She need not be involved in the counseling, I think, but there must be some concern in your county over the possibility of a family with a child breaking up.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Thanks for your response, lonegreywolf.

I am so very sorry that they don’t offer marriage counseling.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

What would happen to her if you left? Who would take care of her? Her attitude sems a bit impractical for someone who needs a full-time care-giver!

Which leads me to suspect that there may be a different problem…

But what I really wanted to write was to contact your diocese and/or Catholic Charities and ask them to *send a counselor to you. *At my old parish, the CC counselor would come once a month? Once a week? and have a group session for people in grief, and then see various people separately–not necessarily those in the group.

The diocese needs to learn that your area is not sufficiently served–the priests are too busy to do counseling and there is no CC counseling available? Yes, inform them, but do it by asking for help, iyswim.

If your wife is rather recently disabled, she may need her own help for that. Her doctor may be able to tell her about a support group. They often have those in hospitals, and sometimes groups for the caregivers as well.

I went ahead and did as you said and called the diocese and I was told that they can only refer me to outside sources. I was only given one because it’s all that the family resource office had for me.

I called and they wanted $180 for the first visit and $140 for every visit thereafter.

My wife has been disabled for over 10 years, and while she does have difficulty dealing with it at times (who doesn’t?) she is generally ok about it. We do however go to a support group monthly for her disability.

I have two books coming to me and I am going to give them a try. At this point, it cannot hurt.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

I am glad you are getting individual counseling. That is especially important for a caregiver. Sometimes counselors will welcome a spouse (or other family member) into one of your individual counseling sessions if you ask. This helps your counselor get a better feel for your home life and relationships. Hopefully, your counselor with agree if you ask if your wife can join you for one session and tell your counselor you think it will aid in understanding your personal situation and feelings. That will be a start, anyway, a little help.

It is amazing that they don’t offer marriage counseling. See if the words “family counseling” with get you anywhere. You mentioned you have a daughter. She need not be involved in the counseling, I think, but there must be some concern in your county over the possibility of a family with a child breaking up.

My wife has sat in on one, and given her side of things and the therapist gave hints, but it runs deeper than what we can get out in 30 minutes.

Essentially, my counselor has seen that I have made improvements, yet they haven’t helped the marriage. At my last session, she told me to think about my marriage not improving, that my wife may never improve and to be content with that. She said it will take the load off of my shoulders of hoping that things will change.

They do not do family counseling either. Only individual counseling. My daughter is much too young right now to even do counseling. She is only 13 months old. However, if we are somehow still together in a few years, I can see where counseling for my daughter will need to take place.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you.

I have the book “The seven principles for making marriage work” By John Gottman coming to me from my local Library. It should be here one day this week.

I have found the ideas in that book useful even with people who haven’t read the book. I hope it helps you.

 

[Xantippe]

Do you think your wife might have postpartum depression or just plain depression?

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Do you think your wife might have postpartum depression or just plain depression?

She does have major depression, but when questioned by her new PCP on why she’s not on an anti-depressant she answered that it’s not bad enough to need medication.

 

[Xantippe]

lonegreywolf20 said:

“She does have major depression, but when questioned by her new PCP on why she’s not on an anti-depressant she answered that it’s not bad enough to need medication.”

Huh.

That sounds like it’s probably the central issue.

Maternal depression is very bad for children. Your wife may be under the impression that she is the only person affected by her depression. I would suggest bringing the issue up with your pediatrician at the next well-baby visit, particularly if you both go with the baby–you might want to bring in a couple of articles on the subject to prime the doctor.

Here are a couple of pieces to get you started:

psychcentral.com/news/2012/02/20/mothers-depression-can-alter-infants-language-development/35045.html

sciencedaily.com/releases/1999/05/990525061511.htm

Best wishes!

 

[St_Francis]

I went ahead and did as you said and called the diocese and I was told that they can only refer me to outside sources. I was only given one because it’s all that the family resource office had for me.

I called and they wanted $180 for the first visit and $140 for every visit thereafter.

My wife has been disabled for over 10 years, and while she does have difficulty dealing with it at times (who doesn’t?) she is generally ok about it. We do however go to a support group monthly for her disability.

I have two books coming to me and I am going to give them a try. At this point, it cannot hurt.

Oh, what a shame! I’m so sorry that didn’t help. I will pray for you and your wife; this does sound like a difficult situation.

 

[MJJean]

My wife will not do skype. That online one that I found for $18 a month offered personal coaching via skype and a host of other things and she turned it down.

She does have major depression, but when questioned by her new PCP on why she’s not on an anti-depressant she answered that it’s not bad enough to need medication.

It sounds like maybe your wife doesn’t want help for herself or the marriage. If she’s refusing the possibility of medication and refusing to participate in the only kind of counseling that you can afford and would not have to travel long distances to get to, I have to wonder if she wants to make changes at all.

My mother was physically disabled. She had a very rare birth defect that left nothing but her torso normally shaped. It was very difficult for her and for the rest of the family, too. She suffered from depression and it worsened after she had myself and my siblings because she felt she wasn’t a good mother as there was a lot she could not do and a lot she had to train me (I was/am the oldest by a decade) to do at a very young age. She also felt guilt that she wasn’t the “kind of wife her man deserved”. She was a very intelligent and humorous woman for the most part, but every so often after my birth she would spiral into a deep depression and this resulted in multiple suicide attempts including drinking Drain-o, overdosing on her meds, and slashing her wrists. People who knew her well were shocked that she would ever try to commit suicide. No one really understood how difficult her life was for her. Seeing a psychiatrist helped her greatly and once she was in therapy regularly she never attempted suicide again.

Depression is nothing to play with. Being a disabled wife and mother is very hard. If your wife isn’t already seeing a therapist on her own try very hard to get her to see one. Encourage her to explore the possibility of anti-depressants. Not only could therapy and medication save your marriage, it could save her life.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

It sounds like maybe your wife doesn’t want help for herself or the marriage. If she’s refusing the possibility of medication and refusing to participate in the only kind of counseling that you can afford and would not have to travel long distances to get to, I have to wonder if she wants to make changes at all.

My mother was physically disabled. She had a very rare birth defect that left nothing but her torso normally shaped. It was very difficult for her and for the rest of the family, too. She suffered from depression and it worsened after she had myself and my siblings because she felt she wasn’t a good mother as there was a lot she could not do and a lot she had to train me (I was/am the oldest by a decade) to do at a very young age. She also felt guilt that she wasn’t the “kind of wife her man deserved”. She was a very intelligent and humorous woman for the most part, but every so often after my birth she would spiral into a deep depression and this resulted in multiple suicide attempts including drinking Drain-o, overdosing on her meds, and slashing her wrists. People who knew her well were shocked that she would ever try to commit suicide. No one really understood how difficult her life was for her. Seeing a psychiatrist helped her greatly and once she was in therapy regularly she never attempted suicide again.

Depression is nothing to play with. Being a disabled wife and mother is very hard. If your wife isn’t already seeing a therapist on her own try very hard to get her to see one. Encourage her to explore the possibility of anti-depressants. Not only could therapy and medication save your marriage, it could save her life.

I have been trying just that.

Back over the summer she said that she heard God speaking to her to give up her meds and to test Him for her healing. She came to me, I advised against it, but said that I will support your decision as it is ultimately hers to make. Within two months she has her worst MS flare-up and is now back on her meds, minus the anti-depressant, but she is still in the midst of the flare-up and seems to be continually and steadily getting worse.

She not only affected herself, but myself and our daughter. I am thankful her mother came to stay with us to help because I couldn’t take care of the both of them.

I just wish that she would listen to me, her mom, my mom and her doctors, but the doctors cannot do anything till she says go ahead.

 

[Xantippe]

lonegreywolf20 said:

“I just wish that she would listen to me, her mom, my mom and her doctors, but the doctors cannot do anything till she says go ahead.”

That sounds very difficult and I agree with MJJean that she doesn’t sound like she wants to treat her depression or to improve your marriage.

I think that the pediatrician may be your only hope, because your wife may still be willing to do stuff for the baby that she isn’t willing to do for herself or for you.