Cannot Figure Out What to Do

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Xantippe said:
lonegreywolf20 said:

“I just wish that she would listen to me, her mom, my mom and her doctors, but the doctors cannot do anything till she says go ahead.”

That sounds very difficult and I agree with MJJean that she doesn’t sound like she wants to treat her depression or to improve your marriage.

I think that the pediatrician may be your only hope, because your wife may still be willing to do stuff for the baby that she isn’t willing to do for herself or for you.
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I will do my best to bring that up because our daughter does not really say anything. I don’t think that she says two words to be honest because we’re not always sure that she is indeed speaking a word. Although, I do think she has said hey.
 
lonegreywolf20 said:

“I will do my best to bring that up because our daughter does not really say anything. I don’t think that she says two words to be honest because we’re not always sure that she is indeed speaking a word.”

That’s pretty normal for that age.
 
Linusthe2nd said:
Well, it is quite simple. On your part, at least, you can do something. When you wife begins to nag or harp, just ignor her. If you have to, leave the room, go outside, but do not respond at all until she calms down. Do your best to keep her happy and say nothing critical or hurtful to her, don’t argue with her at all. If she wants to leave, that will be her decision.

I’m not laying blame anywhere, I’m just telling you what you can do.
Why aren’t you working? Can’t you find something to do?

Linus2nd
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I’m very confused…how can wife leave if she is disabled and husband is her caregiver???
 
Pax2u said:
I’m very confused…how can wife leave if she is disabled and husband is her caregiver???
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I believe he was telling me to leave when an argument is about to happen.

I will have to address a point that he added after my initial reply to him.

As Pax2u said, I am my wife’s caregiver. That is why I do not work. I do have small income, maybe $50 a month doing pet sitting, but not enough to cover counseling since what I make goes directly to my child support each month. However, I haven’t been able to do the pet sitting since I severely injured my ankle at the very end of November.

I am under doctor’s orders to stay off of it because it could cause more damage. Until the doctor gives the go ahead, I cannot even do my pet sitting.
 
Hmmm. It sounds more like a very serious mental health issue on her part, but I’m sure the books won’t hurt. You’ve gotten some good suggestions. In one of the books you’ll be getting, the author (can’t think of his name, I’d have to look back in the thread) says communicating more in general will not necessarily help if, in anger, you guys are communicating very hurtful things and damaging things to each other. He talks more about the quality of communicating.

Also, I saw that you had gotten advice to ignore her when she’s bugging you about something, but please be careful with that tactic. Women often nag and push relentlessly when they feel they aren’t being heard, or that their feelings are not being acknowledged or considered, so retreating usually makes the problem worse. Unless it’s the only way you can keep control of your temper, I’d avoid it. Do you see what I mean?

Is the problem mostly that she’s extremely hurtful to you, or she is completely withholding any affection? You mentioned she wants nothing to do with you, that’s why I’m asking.
 
IBombAtomically said:

“In one of the books you’ll be getting, the author (can’t think of his name, I’d have to look back in the thread) says communicating more in general will not necessarily help if, in anger, you guys are communicating very hurtful things and damaging things to each other. He talks more about the quality of communicating.”

That’s very good.

“Also, I saw that you had gotten advice to ignore her when she’s bugging you about something, but please be careful with that tactic. Women often nag and push relentlessly when they feel they aren’t being heard, or that their feelings are not being acknowledged or considered, so retreating usually makes the problem worse. Unless it’s the only way you can keep control of your temper, I’d avoid it. Do you see what I mean?”

That’s also very good.

Definitely don’t ignore substantive complaints. You mentioned you have disagreements about how to raise your daughter? Could you be more specific, because it may be that one of you is being unreasonable.
 
Xantippe said:
IBombAtomically said:

“In one of the books you’ll be getting, the author (can’t think of his name, I’d have to look back in the thread) says communicating more in general will not necessarily help if, in anger, you guys are communicating very hurtful things and damaging things to each other. He talks more about the quality of communicating.”

That’s very good.

“Also, I saw that you had gotten advice to ignore her when she’s bugging you about something, but please be careful with that tactic. Women often nag and push relentlessly when they feel they aren’t being heard, or that their feelings are not being acknowledged or considered, so retreating usually makes the problem worse. Unless it’s the only way you can keep control of your temper, I’d avoid it. Do you see what I mean?”

That’s also very good.

Definitely don’t ignore substantive complaints. You mentioned you have disagreements about how to raise your daughter? Could you be more specific, because it may be that one of you is being unreasonable.
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Essentially, she wants to raise our daughter her way and her way only. This is her first child. I feel as though I get no (name removed by moderator)ut into the rearing of our daughter and I have experience as I have five other children. It’s as if my experience doesn’t count.

I am also concerned because I would like to get our child baptized, have her go through first communion and the other sacraments, but when I mentioned it to her last night she gave me this look of “I don’t think so” and that worries me. We have new neighbors that we have befriended. The husband in Catholic and the wife is Jewish. They have a daughter that they are raising both ways. She has been baptized, and will go through all first communion, etc… She is also learning of the Jewish religion. So I last night I mentioned to her that I thought that was really nice and that I would like to do the same thing, hence the look.

My wife doesn’t identify as Catholic, even though she was baptized and has been through first communion. She doesn’t hate the Catholic church, she just doesn’t believe in Catholicism. I met and married her before I returned to the Catholic church myself. I am having a hard time getting her to go to pre-Cana class so that I can get our marriage recognized by the Catholic church. She doesn’t see the point since we were married in a church, by a pastor and she believes that God sees us as married and that I am just trying to please man, when God is already pleased.

To be honest, I have a huge headache right now because I have been frantic all day trying to find counseling. Plus, we had another argument tonight. Well, she yelled, I talked calmly and told her that it is a senseless argument. So I am going to try and not think about it for the rest of the night and hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.
 
lonegreywolf,

Look for a PM from me. I am going to send you some more info. 🙂
 
lonegreywolf20 said:

“Essentially, she wants to raise our daughter her way and her way only.”

On the one hand, that’s a very normal impulse, but on the other hand, it sounds postpartumish.
 
lonegreywolf20 said:
Essentially, she wants to raise our daughter her way and her way only. This is her first child. I feel as though I get no (name removed by moderator)ut into the rearing of our daughter and I have experience as I have five other children. It’s as if my experience doesn’t count.

I am also concerned because I would like to get our child baptized, have her go through first communion and the other sacraments, but when I mentioned it to her last night she gave me this look of “I don’t think so” and that worries me. We have new neighbors that we have befriended. The husband in Catholic and the wife is Jewish. They have a daughter that they are raising both ways. She has been baptized, and will go through all first communion, etc… She is also learning of the Jewish religion. So I last night I mentioned to her that I thought that was really nice and that I would like to do the same thing, hence the look.

My wife doesn’t identify as Catholic, even though she was baptized and has been through first communion. She doesn’t hate the Catholic church, she just doesn’t believe in Catholicism. I met and married her before I returned to the Catholic church myself. I am having a hard time getting her to go to pre-Cana class so that I can get our marriage recognized by the Catholic church. She doesn’t see the point since we were married in a church, by a pastor and she believes that God sees us as married and that I am just trying to please man, when God is already pleased.

To be honest, I have a huge headache right now because I have been frantic all day trying to find counseling. Plus, we had another argument tonight. Well, she yelled, I talked calmly and told her that it is a senseless argument. So I am going to try and not think about it for the rest of the night and hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.
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Try a different tactic. Marriage is all about give and take. Compromise. Seeing the others point of view.

Have you explained to your wife that you understand her view, but you need her to understand yours? She may not believe the Church is correct, but since you believe she should respect your beliefs and do what she can to support you in your beliefs including pre-cana and convalidation and Baptizing your child. You could mention that being the husband and child of a disabled person is not easy and that you and your daughter will need all of the help from God’s graces and the Catholic Church that you can get.

My husband has said a few times that we are having a senseless argument. Phrasing it that way makes me feel as if my feelings are not important to him and like he is dismissing my opinion and concerns because he doesn’t feel they make sense. If we argue and he just walks away I also feel like he is dismissing me and my concerns and as if he just doesn’t care that I am hurt or upset. So, now he will simply tell me why he doesn’t think a particular argument is necessary and he will tell me something like " I need to walk away for a minute to cool off. I get that you’re upset. I care that you’re upset. I just can’t deal with it right now and need to be alone for a bit." before he leaves the room. It helps.

It’s pretty common for a first time mother to sort of push the father to the side a bit. She carried the baby, she birthed the baby, and now it is hard to share the baby with anyone else, even the daddy. That is something that needs to be worked on before the baby is old enough to realize the parents aren’t on the same page and manipulate them by playing them off each other to get her way. if she hasn’t already, some figure that out while very young. You have to kindly and firmly assert your position as father in a way that she will understand is fair to you while you are sensitive to the fact that sharing that first precious baby is hard for her.
 
lonegreywolf20 said:
My wife and I need counseling and in a hurry. However, everything that I have looked at is too expensive for us. With us only surviving off of my wife’s disability, what we can afford doesn’t come close to what these places want.

Our last hope was someplace that has services for low income people, but because we have medicaid share-of-cost, they have to charge us full price, not a lower fee because we are low income. The first visit is $160.00. Then $73.00 thereafter, and we have to travel over 20 miles for the sessions in old beat-up cars, that get horrible gas mileage.

I called my parish, but they referred me to Catholic charities and Catholic charities, at least in my neck of the woods has shut down their counseling program. All the other churches in the area all charge way too much for counseling. They want at least $75.00 an hour.

What we have are communication issues that we cannot seem to resolve on our own. We have had communication issues pretty much all 4 years that we have been married and they are just getting worse.

I believe we are on the verge of divorce.

I have heard of retrouvaille, but they are over $100 and the closest ones to us are all over 50 miles away. If we only had to go once it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is six weeks after the initial weekend. They are just too far away.

I was able to find counseling online for $18 a month, but she turned that down, saying it needed to be in person.
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So retrouvaille will not turn you away for not being able to pay so money should not be an obstacle. Also the follow up sessions are not necessarily at the same location. In fact I think they have put them online so you may not have to travel at all. Go to the web site and dial the 1 800 number and it will connect you to the nearest retrouvaille coordinator and they can answer all your questions.
 
Vital_Armor said:
So retrouvaille will not turn you away for not being able to pay so money should not be an obstacle. Also the follow up sessions are not necessarily at the same location. In fact I think they have put them online so you may not have to travel at all. Go to the web site and dial the 1 800 number and it will connect you to the nearest retrouvaille coordinator and they can answer all your questions.
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I was never told that we didn’t have to pay. You are correct that the follow up meets aren’t in the same place, they are actually 10 miles further away. I asked about online and was told no, there is nothing online.

I have gotten the one book mentioned to me and am hopeful it will be helpful.
 
My wife and I may have to go 2-3 hours out of our way if we want to go. I am not happy about that as she will literally have to be ordered by the court to go.😦
 
Just an update.

My wife made an appointment with her neurologist and was able to see him yesterday. She went because she has been having trouble concentrating, keeping focused, organizing thoughts in her mind and a host of other cognitive issues that are apparently getting worse.

So her neuro asked her some questions and the outcome was that she scored a 33 on the depression scale. You only need to score an 11 to be diagnosed as depressed. Generally, when you have MS, you have depression and it can be caused by the lesions on the neurons in the brain.

So he put her on Wellbutrin, and said for her to call in 4 weeks to let him know how she is doing. That depression can cause her MS symptoms to be more active.

So we’ll see what happens.
 
I’m so glad that she was able to see her doctor and that he was able to give you both some concrete information. I hope the Wellbutrin works out well for her!
 
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