cannot take much more of this

[endofrope]

I feel like any day now I am going to break down. My husband is a hot-tempered, controlling, hyper-critical man. On a daily basis it is made known quite clearly what a disappointment I am to him, often in the form of exasperated sighs or comments like “never mind” and “I’ll guess I’ll have to do it myself.” He makes *itchy comments quite often, but whenever he is called on it, automatically resorts to “Don’t assume you know my tone! Ask me next time!” - even when it is fairly obvious to me and several other people that he has a nasty tone.

I am going to therapy, though the situation is very uncomfortable because my husband insists on knowing what I discuss with the therapist, and when I try to explain that I’d prefer it be private, he responds by sobbing uncontrollably that people express intimacy through sharing and its so painful to him that I can share things with someone else that I’m not sharing with him. So, I lie. I don’t tell him the truth- that my therapist suspects my husband has borderline personality disorder and is trying to help me cope with living with him.

I am expected to text him throughout the day, and if I am working from home he should be able to talk with me whenever he wants and any attempt to tell him to wait until the end of the workday is met with accusations that I am being unfair and trying to silence him.

When we fight, he unleashes the superlatives - I am the most selfish person he’s ever met, marrying me was the worst mistake of his life, he doesn’t love me anymore, he cannot rely on me for anything. That stays with me. I can’t get those words out of my head. It’s gotten to the point where I get robotic when we make love, I don’t want to listen to all the “you’re the best” and “I’m the lucky one, baby” garbage because I don’t believe it anymore.

I had an inappropriate correspondence with an old friend online several months back. I know its wrong and sinful and I feel horrible but I just wanted someone to act like I was a good and worthwhile person. He found out. Now, his worst qualities are magnified. I’m supposed to text him often to tell him where I am during the workday. He wants me to download an app in my cellphone that will say where I am all the time.

I can’t relax at all. During the workday, my husband is monitoring where I’m at (I drive around to different places in the course of a day) - if I’m running slow, he wants to know why, and I feel like I need to explain it to him. After the workday, and on weekends, I am at home. I can’t even pray at night more than a few words to myself after I get into bed - I’ve tried staying up later than him, he accuses me of being online and doing bad things.

I go to bed some nights wishing I wouldnt wake up in the morning. I hate my life. Only fear of hell and abandoning our baby stops me from taking my own life. Life wasnt supposed to be like this. I’m a good person, I never expected to be treated like someone’s queen but I’d hoped for more than this.

 

[1ke]

Get yourself and your child away from him now. Get an attorney and take his/her advice regarding when and how.

Just get off the crazy-go-round and do it NOW.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I am sorry you’re going through this. You need to get into joint counseling as soon as possible. I’m kind of surprised your therapist hasn’t already suggested this. He needs a neutral third party to explain to him that his actions are abnormal, controlling and will logically lead to driving you away physically as he has already started driving you away emotionally. He needs to be in counseling himself and deal with whatever issues are driving this.

Second, hopefully the therapist will ask him point blank:

“Why do you want to drive your wife away from you?”

As the consequences of his actions have that logical outcome, I believe they are intentional on some level. (disclaimer- I am not a therapist or anything resembling one, and I didn’t stay in whatever hotel chain has that advertisement about being so well rested you can do anything if you stayed there last night). Do not see logical outcomes of actions as unintended or collateral damage- they are often the goal. Consider the situation from that perspective and what might be driving him.

Up to you with how much you are willing to put up with, what changes he would need to make. Suicide, obviously, is never the answer. I’m always a proponent of attempting to save a marital relationship with spouses living together prior to considering living married but separated.

I can’t relate to your husband’s action at all. I never would have gotten married to someone where I felt it was necessary to check up on and monitor them constantly.

 

[endofrope]

I am sorry you’re going through this. You need to get into joint counseling as soon as possible. I’m kind of surprised your therapist hasn’t already suggested this. He needs a neutral third party to explain to him that his actions are abnormal, controlling and will logically lead to driving you away physically as he has already started driving you away emotionally. He needs to be in counseling himself and deal with whatever issues are driving this.

I wish to God he would, but he has issues “talking to strangers.” And he’s convinced I’m the emotionally unstable person who needs therapy, not him. I am, admittedly, at this point, but its due to all of this. The other day I spilled something and I almost began crying, I was so afraid of upsetting him. And then we get into fights and he makes a snide remark about my “issues” and I feel like slapping him in the face. I didn’t have these issues until I married him!!

 

[geekborj]

It is unfortunate that many of married life end up in very convoluted situation like this. But God is always with us. With constant prayers and sacramental life, we can make everything new again.

Remember what attracted you and your spouse in the beginning of all. Be interested in each other’s work. Pray together. Go to the Mass together.

Most importantly, make sure to have at least one hour of a good date together each week. Maybe a dinner or a movie together. Eventually, you will find that marriage is not about being happy or very secure to each other (as in knowing where each is at any time and what is doing) but being trusting each other that he/she loves the other.

I think if you could show that you are prayerful and that you really fear God most of all, he will trust you because you would not do anything bad or wrong in the eyes of God! Talk about God always and how good He is to you and your family.

Keep praying. Choose well who to talk to and ask for advise. I believe that you can still save your marriage for the sake of your kids (if any) and most importantly, for the sake of the Church and of God’s Name (as you invoke him when you did your Marriage Vows).

Remember to ask for that grace provided to you in your Married State!

 

[geekborj]

I wish to God he would, but he has issues “talking to strangers.” And he’s convinced I’m the emotionally unstable person who needs therapy, not him. I am, admittedly, at this point, but its due to all of this. The other day I spilled something and I almost began crying, I was so afraid of upsetting him. And then we get into fights and he makes a snide remark about my “issues” and I feel like slapping him in the face. I didn’t have these issues until I married him!!

Don’t concentrate on his faults. He could be battling these himself silently. Guys are like that sometimes, they don’t want to admit especially with others that they have problems themselves. Ask him to be patient with you and that you are doing something about your own problems.

Concentrate in praising him in little things that you see he is doing right for you. The bad things will eventually be gone. Patience. God is allowing you to undergo this suffering for your good.

In the end, humility and patience will conquer the world as Christ did on the Cross.

Pray! Sacraments!

 

[endofrope]

Don’t concentrate on his faults. He could be battling these himself silently. !

I’m sorry, but please leave this thread - MY HUSBAND IS CONTROLLING AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND IS LEADING ME TO CONTEMPLATE SUICIDE- wanting him to attend counseling isn’t “focusing on his faults.” I appreciate your concern, but I really need practical advice right now, not this overly pious gobbly gook.

 

[fbl9]

I wish to God he would, but he has issues “talking to strangers.” And he’s convinced I’m the emotionally unstable person who needs therapy, not him. I am, admittedly, at this point, but its due to all of this. The other day I spilled something and I almost began crying, I was so afraid of upsetting him. And then we get into fights and he makes a snide remark about my “issues” and/QUOTE]

 

[fbl9]

I wish to God he would, but he has issues “talking to strangers.” And he’s convinced I’m the emotionally unstable person who needs therapy, not him. I am, admittedly, at this point, but its due to all of this. The other day I spilled something and I almost began crying, I was so afraid of upsetting him. And then we get into fights and he makes a snide remark about my “issues” and I feel like slapping him in the face. I didn’t have these issues until I married him!!

slap him in the face with the words that are bolded

 

[crumblymunky]

Do not fear. You need to stand up to him, in my opinion, and make it known that he is doing things wrong. YOU are half of him, being married. He may be the head of the house but you are the rest of it. Be confident enough to talk with him directly. If he sobs when you won’t tell him what you’ve talked about, tell him to come and find out himself. Its a technique to get you to talk that he is using, perhaps unconsciously.

He isn’t confident in his relationship with you. You should look for ways to try to make him more confident, or speak directly to him about this. Ask him what he has always wanted to do. Dialogue. A therapist will help but can’t fix everything. And don’t listen to the user who told you to leave and get your child out of there. He isn’t abusive, just controlling, which spawns from his lack of confidence. You need to talk to him above all and set boundaries.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I wish to God he would, but he has issues “talking to strangers.” And he’s convinced I’m the emotionally unstable person who needs therapy, not him. I am, admittedly, at this point, but its due to all of this. The other day I spilled something and I almost began crying, I was so afraid of upsetting him. And then we get into fights and he makes a snide remark about my “issues” and I feel like slapping him in the face. I didn’t have these issues until I married him!!

Boundary issues. Setting standards. He has come to expect you to report in because you’ve gone along with it. He expects you to take his *&^$( because you have done so.

He has issues talking to strangers. Too bad. You could tell him, ‘Cry me a river and man up buttercup’, but you don’t sound like the kind of person who would do that. Talk catty or in a demeaning way to him. Which is good, feeling respected is normally important. We all have issues and we all have baggage. The next time he tells you he loves you, say that’s great but talk is cheap and whiskey costs money- if you love me you will come to counseling with me. It’s important to me. If you won’t do that, then you don’t love me. Love is in the things we do, not in the things we say.

Second. Do not lie to him, but be firm and tell him that what you say in counseling is none of his business. None. The whole point to therapy is to have a trusted third party to discuss things without fear of it getting to anyone else. Explore ideas/concepts without fear of someone close to you taking it the wrong way. Couple of my kids have been to therapy, I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them what had been said-- it would undermine the effectiveness of therapy. As you clearly understand since you’ve chosen to lie to him. ETA: and living with that lie is adding stress to the marriage. Tell him to do his homework and go research therapy and it’s purpose.

Of course, whenever he says something mean to you. You could ask him directly, “Why do you want me to feel horribly about myself?” “What do you gain from making me feel bad or small?” “What is it you’re getting out of making that comment? Forget the tone, why did you choose to say those words to me?” But it would be very hard to stay calm enough to actually get him to give you a thoughtful, introspective and honest answer vice sparking a confrontation and fight.

Be firm. If he wants to know what you say in counseling, he can schedule a joint session and you’ll discuss the issues that involve him that he can address. If he’s not willing to do that, well then, there’s really no point in discussing things he’s not willing to be a participant in, is there? It does take two working hard at it to keep a marriage going and I do think counseling is going to need to involve both of you.

As the previous poster said, reflect on his positive qualities, the things that led you to marry him and try to continue seeing those things in him. Try and find activities that you do enjoy doing with him, even the small things. Pray always for guidance from the Holy Spirit.

 

[Isca]

Life is precious, my dear and you have a little one to care for. Don’t spend your best years being verbally abused and humiliated. Don’t let someone destroy you inside. And don’t whatever you do think about harming yourself in any way. There are many people who can help you, it’s just when you’re in the middle of it all it seems impossible to get away. It’s not. You’re important, you matter and you don’t have to spend every day being told that you are wrong, or flawed, or whatever.

Controlling behaviour of the type you describe is emotional abuse. You have to have lived in that sort of a relationship to understand, and I have, unfortunately. I got away, but it took me years to do it. It’s like having invisible chains around you. God bless you and your child. I also pray for your husband, that he may see the error of his ways. I can’t give you practical advice as I live in England, but I’m thinking of you. x

 

[tawny]

Praying for you.

 

[Randy_Carson]

I feel like any day now I am going to break down. My husband is a hot-tempered, controlling, hyper-critical man. On a daily basis it is made known quite clearly what a disappointment I am to him, often in the form of exasperated sighs or comments like “never mind” and “I’ll guess I’ll have to do it myself.” He makes *itchy comments quite often, but whenever he is called on it, automatically resorts to “Don’t assume you know my tone! Ask me next time!” - even when it is fairly obvious to me and several other people that he has a nasty tone.

I am going to therapy, though the situation is very uncomfortable because my husband insists on knowing what I discuss with the therapist, and when I try to explain that I’d prefer it be private, he responds by sobbing uncontrollably that people express intimacy through sharing and its so painful to him that I can share things with someone else that I’m not sharing with him. So, I lie. I don’t tell him the truth- that my therapist suspects my husband has borderline personality disorder and is trying to help me cope with living with him.

I am expected to text him throughout the day, and if I am working from home he should be able to talk with me whenever he wants and any attempt to tell him to wait until the end of the workday is met with accusations that I am being unfair and trying to silence him.

When we fight, he unleashes the superlatives - I am the most selfish person he’s ever met, marrying me was the worst mistake of his life, he doesn’t love me anymore, he cannot rely on me for anything. That stays with me. I can’t get those words out of my head. It’s gotten to the point where I get robotic when we make love, I don’t want to listen to all the “you’re the best” and “I’m the lucky one, baby” garbage because I don’t believe it anymore.

I had an inappropriate correspondence with an old friend online several months back. I know its wrong and sinful and I feel horrible but I just wanted someone to act like I was a good and worthwhile person. He found out. Now, his worst qualities are magnified. I’m supposed to text him often to tell him where I am during the workday. He wants me to download an app in my cellphone that will say where I am all the time.

I can’t relax at all. During the workday, my husband is monitoring where I’m at (I drive around to different places in the course of a day) - if I’m running slow, he wants to know why, and I feel like I need to explain it to him. After the workday, and on weekends, I am at home. I can’t even pray at night more than a few words to myself after I get into bed - I’ve tried staying up later than him, he accuses me of being online and doing bad things.

I go to bed some nights wishing I wouldnt wake up in the morning. I hate my life. Only fear of hell and abandoning our baby stops me from taking my own life. Life wasnt supposed to be like this. I’m a good person, I never expected to be treated like someone’s queen but I’d hoped for more than this.

Do you have family or friends in the area?

Sounds like you need to find shelter elsewhere immediately if not for the long run.

 

[MaryT777]

Get yourself and your child away from him now. Get an attorney and take his/her advice regarding when and how.

Just get off the crazy-go-round and do it NOW.

After reading through all the replies up to this point I post I agree with this.
Mary.

 

[LightBound]

Do not fear. You need to stand up to him, in my opinion, and make it known that he is doing things wrong. YOU are half of him, being married. He may be the head of the house but you are the rest of it. Be confident enough to talk with him directly. If he sobs when you won’t tell him what you’ve talked about, tell him to come and find out himself. Its a technique to get you to talk that he is using, perhaps unconsciously.

He isn’t confident in his relationship with you. You should look for ways to try to make him more confident, or speak directly to him about this. Ask him what he has always wanted to do. Dialogue. A therapist will help but can’t fix everything. And don’t listen to the user who told you to leave and get your child out of there. He isn’t abusive, just controlling, which spawns from his lack of confidence. You need to talk to him above all and set boundaries.

He most certainly IS abusive. Apparently you are unaware that abuse comes in many forms- it’s not just physical or sexual. Abuse of that nature, especially physical, often starts with emotional or psychological abuse, which is exactly what is occurring with the OP right now. She needs to seek a safe place for her and her child. Then she can start working on therapeutic means for her marriage, if she chooses to do so. This “head of the household” is controlling and terrorizing her to the point she is suicidal. Did you miss that part?

 

[Caroline723]

This guy sounds more narcissistic than borderline. That is classic gaslighting he is doing with you. The controlling behavior sounds way beyond just insecurity and more sociopathic in nature.

Having a child together makes this very complicated. Unless he has physically abused you and your child, you cannot keep him from his own child. If you take your child and leave, he could end up getting full custody. Divorce would mean he would have alone time with the child and likely, at some point, treat them the same way.

Have things always been this way? Or do you see a change in him? Do you love him? Do you believe he is capable of change, and that the marriage can be saved? Or do you think that this is just who he is, and that your relationship cannot be saved?

Have you told your therapist you have contemplated suicide? And what are their thoughts on him and marriage.

You are still having relations… do you practice NFP? It seems like this would not be a good time for another child.

If he asks you again what you talk about in therapy, I would suggest you tell him that you will not share that, but that he is welcome to come to the next session to see for himself. Don’t show his tantrum is affecting you. Answer in the same way each time he asks, until he either gives up asking, or starts going to therapy.

It seems that at the very least, you need a vacation from the stress of this for a week or so. Do you have family close enough to stay with? Can you tell him you need a few days of space, and take your child to your parents or something?

To be honest, you say that your husband is causing things like thoughts of suicide in you. But that and the infidelity you alluded to, as well as the general overtone of your email, give me concern for your own stability. I don’t mean this as an attack or criticism, but a concern for you and your child. Maybe this is a transient state caused by stress, or maybe the stress is uncovering an instability in you. Regardless, it is good you are going to therapy, and please reach out to family and friends for help and support.

 

[Cerne]

I wish to God he would, but he has issues “talking to strangers.” And he’s convinced I’m the emotionally unstable person who needs therapy, not him. I am, admittedly, at this point, but its due to all of this. The other day I spilled something and I almost began crying, I was so afraid of upsetting him. And then we get into fights and he makes a snide remark about my “issues” and I feel like slapping him in the face. I didn’t have these issues until I married him!!

Endofrope, your therapist is correct, your husband has all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD).

When your husband tells you you need therapy he is gaslighting you. outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

Gaslighting is a very common technique used by BPDs.

Visit the following 2 websites for a great deal of very helpful information on dealing with BPDs. You will find many people on the forums there going through exactly what you are going through.

outofthefog.net
outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html
bullyonline.org

BPD is currently incurable.

 

[Neofight]

Endofrope, your therapist is correct, your husband has all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD).

When your husband tells you you need therapy he is gaslighting you. outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

Gaslighting is a very common technique used by BPDs.

Visit the following 2 websites for a great deal of very helpful information on dealing with BPDs. You will find many people on the forums there going through exactly what you are going through.

outofthefog.net
outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html
bullyonline.org

BPD is currently incurable.

STOP>>>>Get real help, not psychiatric advice from social media members, even though they mean well!

 

[DarkLight]

Get yourself and your child away from him now. Get an attorney and take his/her advice regarding when and how.

Just get off the crazy-go-round and do it NOW.

Ditto.

Think about it from this perspective - how do you think he’s going to be when your baby gets older? This is not a man who sounds particularly stable for being around a child.

At the end of the day, what your husband may or may not have isn’t all that relevant, unless he personally is willing to get help. You cannot force him to get help, only protect you and your child.

Oh, and, given all the monitoring, I would be very careful to watch out for trackers and keystroke loggers and that sort of thing.