Can't Afford Even a Small Marriage

[Irishgal49]

Powerlinemom,

Thanks for your answer, there’s great advice in it.

I had that same idea about having an anniversary blowout party at a later time when we would be better financially and my wife said “it wouldn’t be the same.” But this was before I learned that perhaps, as Luna stated, a convalidation may have certain restrictions anyway.

It is very frivolous, you are right about that! But I can’t get that in her head. I love her, but we are not in the same place when it comes to our Faith. She places less importance in it, and I’ve told her that and she denies it but I feel its true.

Let’s see what she says tonight when I see her.

I would say it’s critical to get the convalidation regardless of any party. I was in your shoes so I understand, but reception could be held at any time and yes it is the same. I know a couple who did this—married civilly and wanted it convalidated later. So at their reception they had 3 months after the convalidation, they played a video of the ceremony and then entered wearing the clothes they wore at their ceremony, it was really neat and everyone enjoyed the party.

My question is if your intended is dragging her feet because she wants a “big party” then I would look at that BIG RED FLAG. Marriage is about total self giving. Pouring yourself out in love totally for the other. You have to ask how that’s being demonstrated when you hunger for the Eucharist and she hungers for a big party. To me, the faith of the one I love would be first priority–not sharing that desire can have horrible consequences. I have been divorced twice, I know what I’m saying. I married outside my faith and my husband slowly, gradually, systematically blocked me from practicing my faith more and more and I let him. Yes we’re human but her focus on a big celebration seems askew to what’s the real issue, and that’s a big problem in my book. Sure who doesn’t want a 50,000 dollar convalidation but to know what you’re going through and focus on that is a big problem that needs to be considered. You don’t want to be where I am.

I will pray for you both and for your daughter,

Lorrie

 

[mamaslo]

I think, keep in mind that maybe she just needs to hear his side of it and adjust what she wants.

I think you are right in that it could be a red flag, but I think this conversation needs to be on the table with the intended wife…

It is a regret, but it is also a consequence. We don’t think of these things when we do them out of order. I didn’t and God gives us what we need. He never changes, we are the ones who have to, and his rules are higher than our lame ones.

Talk to your bride to be, and lay out for her how much you desire to make this right to God. I think she will “get” it.

peace.

 

[stup]

Irishgal49: I understand what you are trying to tell me but I don’t think its a red flag.

mamaslo: You are right, and we have talked about this a few times in the past.

Its not that she’s pouting about it and says she’s not getting married unless we do it her way. When we have talked about it, and how important it is not just to marry her but to be right with God and all, she has said its fine “lets get it over with.” She says it sort of in an angry/upset way and if I bring it up again she will say “I already told you I don’t care about a big wedding, lets just get it done.”

So she will go through with it and all, but I just wish she didn’t feel so upset about it. I know she loves me, that something I have no doubt about, its just that I know that the whole “its not my dream wedding” kinda thing still upsets her inside, even if she denies it.

I was just putting this out there to hear what others thought of it. I don’t really bring this up with anyone, sort of awkward being a guy and talking about these feelings. I know there’s no easy solution to get her to change her attitude, or maybe its just me feeling bad for not being the man that can provide her with this. But I know that the most important part is setting things right, it would dramatically change my slowly developing inner depressions of losing that spiritual Faith.

 

[stup]

Oh and thanks for the prayers!

 

[HonoraDominum]

My $0.02:

Your wife is thinking of this in the totally wrong light. Every action, every breath, every prayer has to be looked at in the light of “What does God want me to do? What are God’s plans for me? What can I do for God today to fulfill His holy will for me?” I could be completely wrong, but I feel fairly certain that God’s will for you and your wife, to grow in holiness and to raise your child in a holy house, is not dependent on any financial situation you may currently live.

When you made that choice that created a child, at that point your vocation was selected in the eyes of God. Your reason for living now is to grow in holiness within your current vocation and state in life.

Not being able to receive the Eucharist due to your wife’s desire for a lavish “wedding” is not going to help you grow closer to God any time soon. Convalidation is a sacrament that sanctifies your holy vocation of marriage. While it is a celebration for certain, it is also a holy act and a vow in front of God, and this act will allow you to receive the sanctifying grace necessary to have God dwelling within your soul. A soul without sanctifying grace is dead. Physical food cannot benefit a dead body, and the Holy Eucharist cannot benefit a dead soul.

I say this with a great sense of charity, so please hear it in that context. All wives learn at some point in every marriage that sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the good of our vocation. There are things I’d love to do that I simply can’t, because my vocation in life does not allow me to do so. I am married to a simple man, and we have a simple life. Our ten-year wedding anniversary is coming up this month. Our honeymoon was a quick overnight trip to a relatively close but large sized town that we paid for with the cash we received as wedding presents. I have been looking to a huge “real” honeymoon for years to celebrate this particular anniversary to make up for the lack of a real honeymoon at the start of our marriage. However, due to a recent (involuntary) job change, I have no time off, and I am paid well below what I was making just six months ago.

Do I still think about our dream vacation that we had talked about for years? Absolutely. But I don’t let the fact that it is flat out not going to happen make me lose my peace. Instead, I will appreciate the fact that I wake up every morning to a smelly, kinda gross fella who doesn’t do dishes, and who will never make a six-figure income. This is my reality. And this kinda gross fella just made me a bowl of ice cream and brought it to my desk. Because he loves me. Looking at the small acts of charity that my beautiful and loving husband does for me every day reminds me that that God has blessed me with so much that it is flat out prideful to begrudge my life for one simple vacation.

You and your wife should concentrate on building a holy family based in love, and live every moment of your vocation as husband and wife and mother and father striving towards pleasing the Good God that has brought you two together. Say a rosary together every day, even if the little one can’t quite pray it yet. Go to Daily Mass as a family when you can. Bring liturgical traditions into the home, like advent wreaths and Way of the Cross devotions during Lent. Invite your priest over for dinner and have him help you consecrate your family and home to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Pray to St. Joseph and Our Lady for the graces to head your family in a way that will give glory to God and to sanctify your soul and that of your wife and child. Thank Him for giving you the grace to be Catholic, and for loving you as much as He does.

You will be in my prayers. May God be with you during this trying time. Queen of the most Holy Rosary, pray for us.

 

[stup]

My $0.02:

Your wife is thinking of this in the totally wrong light… You will be in my prayers. May God be with you during this trying time. Queen of the most Holy Rosary, pray for us.

Thanks so much for you answer. All the feedback I’ve been getting is great, but I liked your’s the most, possibly because I felt like you could relate very much to my life and current situation. I’m so glad to have a community of Catholics, far and near, that can be there to lift our spirits – even if its across the net!

My wife and I will talk and I take it will be pretty emotional but its a step we really need to take because we have been steering away from what matters most – our relationship with God!

Thanks again everyone! I feel much better and will even more after our convalidation.