Can't discuss feelings with my spouse

[katesmom]

I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. He is on unemployment & has been since Feb. He helps with the children and to be honest id like to stay home or work part time. I miss my kids and being a home maker… Whenever I bring up my feelings he tells me I’m never happy. Actually I am happy just fed up. He never admits fault and I feel like he doesn’t care? He plays a lot of xbox daily and he drinks several times a week. He isn’t abusive just not emotionally available to me? I have a history of depression and I feel at times he won’t listen to me because of my diagnosis? Maybe that’s just my observation? I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

 

[EasterJoy]

It sounds as if you were very much able to discuss your feelings with your spouse; he just doesn’t want to listen. If the tables were turned, a wife would of course want to do what she could so that her husband could spend more time with the children.

Talk to him with the help of a third party.

 

[Bonnie]

Talk to him with the help of a third party.

I agree. Counseling should help. As Abby says, if he won’t go, go on your own. Do you have Catholic Charities where you are? They do counseling & will adjust the fee to what you can afford.

This is something I know from experience. Hang in there! :grouphug:

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

The basic principal of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven. We promise to love and cherish in sickness, health, richer, poorer … To death we part.

Often we fall into the pit of " … I’m … Me … I want … I need … " which blinds us to our real mission in marriage; get our spouse to heaven. This is not to say that our empty feeling needs to be ignored or suppressed. Instead, when we need refueling and our spouse is empty too we need to turn to God who is the glue of the marriage. When we turn ourselves over to the divine healer, get healed/refueled, we can then lovingly help our spouse.

Catholic world we start by going to the sacrament of reconciliation more often. When we examine our conscience we explore what we have done, failed to do, our thoughts, our words, ten commandments, & beatitudes. The Priest may recommend family therapy. Other ways to get close to Jesus read the bible more, adoration chapel, corporal works of mercy, and spiritual works of mercy. The journey usually is long, but if you explore the path along the way you will be blessed by Gods grace.

 

[RoseMary131]

I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. …I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

My husband and I invite you and your dear husband to a World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekend. wwme.org/

The entire purpose is to help couples grow closer daily through communication.

The weekends are for all marriages. One of WWME’s saying is Making Good Marriages Great.

(There is a different weekend through a different group called Retrouvaille. That is specifically for troubled marriages. retrouvaille.org/ )

WWME weekends are a wonderful time for you and your husband. The talks are given by three presenting couples and one priest. All the couples attending listen to the talks but do not share anything during these talks. You and your husband will go to the privacy of your own room to talk privately with each other.

We found our weekend to be very romantic. We attended at a beautiful Benedictine Abbey retreat center. We took our own bedding, pillows, and towels so the retreat room looked like our own room. We knew we would have plenty of time together in our room and wanted to feel “at home.” We took fresh fruit, nuts, and chocolates to treat ourselves in our room. Some WWMEs are held in hotels. There was time for private walks outside to enjoy the beauty of the abbey grounds.

There is usually a small application fee as the only cost. On the weekend, couples have the chance to offer a donation of their choice to help with their cost of the weekend. It is set up this way so that no one feels they can not attend due to lack of funds. All donations go to future weekends for other couples. Your weekend was already paid for by donations from previous couples.

We had looked forward to attending a WWME for many, many years when we finally got to attend. We had no idea the beauty that would spill over from the weekend to every day. We thought it would simply be a wonderful romantic weekend, we did not realize it is for a lifetime.

We promote WWME to all couples and priests. It is open for priest to attend in regards to their relationship as a priest to their parishioners and to other priest.

Although it is given from a Catholic view, it is not a Catholic Marriage Theology program. In fact, they keep several slots open for non-Catholics. We invited my husband’s parents who are Methodist to attend. They had been married 52 years and enjoyed their weekend.

Your message really jumped out at me, as WWME stresses the importance of our feelings and understanding our spouse’s feelings. Some people overlook the importance of feelings or even think they don’t really have feelings. We all have feelings about everything we encounter. When we can understand our spouses feelings, we become even closer to them, we encounter more of a unity, a oneness. Understanding each others feelings can be as simple as how you both feel about sitting outside on a cool night together to how you both feel when looking at your check book.

Check on-line for the WWME weekend nearest to you. Some people travel many hours and even several states away for their weekend. I’ve never seen anyone who wasn’t happy about their weekend and the joy they found with their spouse.

Pray about attending. God provides. God provides the right weekend, the right persons to watch your children, the right couples and priest to give the talks.

We’re lighting a prayer candle in our home this evening for you two.

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband and I invite you and your dear husband to a World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekend. wwme.org/

The entire purpose is to help couples grow closer daily through communication.

The weekends are for all marriages. One of WWME’s saying is Making Good Marriages Great.

(There is a different weekend through a different group called Retrouvaille. That is specifically for troubled marriages. retrouvaille.org/ )

WWME weekends are a wonderful time for you and your husband. The talks are given by three presenting couples and one priest. All the couples attending listen to the talks but do not share anything during these talks. You and your husband will go to the privacy of your own room to talk privately with each other.

We found our weekend to be very romantic. We attended at a beautiful Benedictine Abbey retreat center. We took our own bedding, pillows, and towels so the retreat room looked like our own room. We knew we would have plenty of time together in our room and wanted to feel “at home.” We took fresh fruit, nuts, and chocolates to treat ourselves in our room. Some WWMEs are held in hotels. There was time for private walks outside to enjoy the beauty of the abbey grounds.

There is usually a small application fee as the only cost. On the weekend, couples have the chance to offer a donation of their choice to help with their cost of the weekend. It is set up this way so that no one feels they can not attend due to lack of funds. All donations go to future weekends for other couples. Your weekend was already paid for by donations from previous couples.

We had looked forward to attending a WWME for many, many years when we finally got to attend. We had no idea the beauty that would spill over from the weekend to every day. We thought it would simply be a wonderful romantic weekend, we did not realize it is for a lifetime.

We promote WWME to all couples and priests. It is open for priest to attend in regards to their relationship as a priest to their parishioners and to other priest.

Although it is given from a Catholic view, it is not a Catholic Marriage Theology program. In fact, they keep several slots open for non-Catholics. We invited my husband’s parents who are Methodist to attend. They had been married 52 years and enjoyed their weekend.

Your message really jumped out at me, as WWME stresses the importance of our feelings and understanding our spouse’s feelings. Some people overlook the importance of feelings or even think they don’t really have feelings. We all have feelings about everything we encounter. When we can understand our spouses feelings, we become even closer to them, we encounter more of a unity, a oneness. Understanding each others feelings can be as simple as how you both feel about sitting outside on a cool night together to how you both feel when looking at your check book.

Check on-line for the WWME weekend nearest to you. Some people travel many hours and even several states away for their weekend. I’ve never seen anyone who wasn’t happy about their weekend and the joy they found with their spouse.

Pray about attending. God provides. God provides the right weekend, the right persons to watch your children, the right couples and priest to give the talks.

We’re lighting a prayer candle in our home this evening for you two.

The problem I have with Marriage Encounter is that (in the old days, at least), they just got the conversation going. They raised the topics, treated the topics, and got the couples talking, but they don’t provide any mediation.

Does anyone know how Retrovaille differs?

 

[Phil_Marinus]

It’s obvious to me that he has built a wall around himself, without a Gate or window…
he wants no communication , and refuses to raise a flag of any sort…
if nothing is done to break down this wall then it can only get worse for you…
not having a job or work routine only makes things worse…
maybe if you do the looking with him or for him… employment is really hard to get back into once you have left it for a while… try simple work… get his name down as school cleaner or anything that you can,try to get him involved in anything you can think of…
but try to do it together… it’s really rough on you as you are the only one really trying to do anything… try to talk to people about employment for him… people you work with…

 

[RoseMary131]

The problem I have with Marriage Encounter is that (in the old days, at least), they just got the conversation going. They raised the topics, treated the topics, and got the couples talking, but they don’t provide any mediation.

Does anyone know how Retrovaille differs?

WWME is designed to help couples grow closer to each other. It is a weekend to receive “tools” that make good marriages stronger.

It helps couples look at their life as a couple and see where and how they can be even closer.

It is not a weekend to solve anyone’s problems. In fact, if a couple did have problems they would not be discussing them with the team or other couples.

It is not a counseling weekend. It is not run by professional marriage counselors.

The presenting couples are simply couples who love their spouse and want to share ideas that make them even closer to their spouse. Their talks are given on a specific topic at each WWME weekend, but are given by couples sharing their own lives on that topic.

The presenting priest is not there as a “problem solver”. Just like the presenting couple sharing their ideas on growing closer to their spouse, he shares how he grows closer to his people.

WWME does provide a lifetime of friendship with other WWME couples, couples who love their spouse. Every couple will have ups and downs. Having friends who have learned tools to help each other with the ups and downs is a bonus. Sometimes as a couple, you need help from other WWME couples with good times and hard times.

If a couple is in need of mediation, counseling, or help, maybe Retrouvaille would be good for them. retrouvaille.org/ It is designed for troubled marriages.

"Retrouvaille™
… a lifeline for Marriages
A program to Help Couples Heal and Renew their Marriages.
Do you feel lost, alone or bored in your marriage?
Are you frustrated, hurt or angry with your spouse?
Are you constantly fighting? Or, do you simply shut down?
Have you thought about separation or divorce?
Does talking about it only make it worse?

… Retrouvaille provides marriage help!

If a couple has made a WWMEweekend and they want advise for today, check the website to look for other couples close to them to share. We love our time spent once a month with other WWME Couples.

Peace to you Easter Joy.

 

[acadian]

I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. He is on unemployment & has been since Feb. He helps with the children and to be honest id like to stay home or work part time. I miss my kids and being a home maker… Whenever I bring up my feelings he tells me I’m never happy. Actually I am happy just fed up. He never admits fault and I feel like he doesn’t care? He plays a lot of xbox daily and he drinks several times a week. He isn’t abusive just not emotionally available to me? I have a history of depression and I feel at times he won’t listen to me because of my diagnosis? Maybe that’s just my observation? I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

I am SO right there with you. Except that my husband doesn’t play x-box. He watches TV day in and day out, and goes out on jobs a couple of times a week. And we’ve been married 19 years.

I can not discuss feelings with my husband. Especially “challenging” ones. This became crystal clear when we went through Retrouvaille last summer. It is all about feelings. I thought it was my fault for not sharing feelings, but truly, he can’t deal with any that are different from his. I think it goes back to growing up in an alcoholic family. He immediately wants to change me into what he what works for him.

A marriage without any emotional or spiritual intimacy is a huge challenge.

I can share some things that I am drawing strength from: Al-Anon. I have been to some meetings and I belong to a closed group on Facebook. Lots of support there. My husband has been “sober” for 30 years, but prescription painkillers have entered the picture now and the alcoholic self-centeredness never really disappeared, even though the alcohol did. For the first time in a long time, I felt validated.

The book “Emotional Blackmail”. Plenty of that going on here. Recognizing it has helped. I do not have to live as a doormat.

Prayer. My husband resents my participation in anything over and above Sunday Mass, but he doesn’t understand that the graces I receive are what enable me to continue to live with him and try to make loving choices. Yesterday I stood in front of the tabernacle (while the church was empty) and turned the whole mess over to God. I know I should pray more for my husband. Later that morning, a dear friend at work told me about a book she was reading and said I HAD to get a copy. The Power of a Praying Wife. I downloaded it last night. So far, good stuff.

I don’t really have any answers. But I do wish I could send you a huge (((hug))).

 

[Blue_Goose]

I agree with a previous poster. You are expressing your feelings, but your spouse is not tuned in. I strongly recommend that you ask him to go with you for counseling. If he refuses then tell him you are going to get counseling for yourself and then follow through.

If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program that would be a good place to start. If that is not an option then go to your local parish for assistance.

I sincerely hope you are able to obtain some relief. I will pray for you.

 

[R1ch4rd]

Does anyone know how Retrovaille differs?

Yup, it 's specifically designed to get you two talking. It’s called “dialogue” and it starts by writing your feelings to your spouse with very specific rules. It may be possible that your not expressing your feelings clearly and he’s not listening clearly. Retrouvaille will definitely give you the tools for spousal communication. You don’t share with anyone but your spouse and you do it on a daily basis. Can’t say enough about it.

Hi EJ, didn’t realize it was you…Feel free to pm me

 

[system]

The basic principal of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven. We promise to love and cherish in sickness, health, richer, poorer … To death we part.

Often we fall into the pit of " … I’m … Me … I want … I need … " which blinds us to our real mission in marriage; get our spouse to heaven. This is not to say that our empty feeling needs to be ignored or suppressed. Instead, when we need refueling and our spouse is empty too we need to turn to God who is the glue of the marriage. When we turn ourselves over to the divine healer, get healed/refueled, we can then lovingly help our spouse.

Catholic world we start by going to the sacrament of reconciliation more often. When we examine our conscience we explore what we have done, failed to do, our thoughts, our words, ten commandments, & beatitudes. The Priest may recommend family therapy. Other ways to get close to Jesus read the bible more, adoration chapel, corporal works of mercy, and spiritual works of mercy. The journey usually is long, but if you explore the path along the way you will be blessed by Gods grace.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yup, it 's specifically designed to get you two talking. It’s called “dialogue” and it starts by writing your feelings to your spouse with very specific rules. It may be possible that your not expressing your feelings clearly and he’s not listening clearly. Retrouvaille will definitely give you the tools for spousal communication. You don’t share with anyone but your spouse and you do it on a daily basis. Can’t say enough about it.

Hi EJ, didn’t realize it was you…Feel free to pm me

I was just wondering the difference in emphasis, in general. My husband and I are doing fine, we actually found our Engaged Encounter weekend kind of boring because we were well aware of what the other would write or say about the vast majority of the topics talked about, excepting that I had no idea that there was a right and wrong way to hang toilet paper. (And that what is “right” or “wrong” has a lot to do with whether or not you own a cat. Who knew?)

The thing he and I noticed at Engaged Encounter and a priest who did lots of Marriage Encounter weekends both thought that Marriage Encounter is great for getting topics onto the table, but that it doesn’t do much to teach how and how not to complain or work things out when just knowing what each party thinks is not enough. I’ve heard a lot of good things about Retrouvaille, but not in terms of how the program differs from ME.

 

[Bonnie]

excepting that I had no idea that there was a right and wrong way to hang toilet paper. (And that what is “right” or “wrong” has a lot to do with whether or not you own a cat. Who knew?)

Or toddlers. Having had both, I learned that if you still want to hang the roll facing out, crunch the roll so the core is no longer round - it won’t roll so easily. Many public restroom tp holders have a similar feature to keep the paper from piling up on the floor.

 

[R1ch4rd]

I was just wondering the difference in emphasis, in general. My husband and I are doing fine, we actually found our Engaged Encounter weekend kind of boring because we were well aware of what the other would write or say about the vast majority of the topics talked about, excepting that I had no idea that there was a right and wrong way to hang toilet paper. (And that what is “right” or “wrong” has a lot to do with whether or not you own a cat. Who knew?)

The thing he and I noticed at Engaged Encounter and a priest who did lots of Marriage Encounter weekends both thought that Marriage Encounter is great for getting topics onto the table, but that it doesn’t do much to teach how and how not to complain or work things out when just knowing what each party thinks is not enough. I’ve heard a lot of good things about Retrouvaille, but not in terms of how the program differs from ME.

I haven’t attended ME but it sounds similar. The emphasis is on sharing feelings and that they are neither right nor wrong, they are your feelings. Telling a spouse “you shouldn’t feel that way” is not what the program teaches, rather explaining and understanding each others feelings. It was more intense then I expected, there were couples who were advised to try it by their marriage counselor. You learn as much, if not more, about yourself and why you feel the way you do and that’s big. Any solutions are up to the couple as it’s Retrouvaille’s feeling that if they can get spouses communicating properly they can solve their own problems.There is a FULL weekend followed by six followup sessions of twelve units. The dialog is done daily for as long as it takes.The dialog questions cause you to learn a lot about each other in every aspect of the relationship.

EJ, they don’t cover toilet paper, but I could guarantee you wouldn’t find it boring. My wife and I have been married 42 years and were also doing fairly well. I know way, way more about how she feels now.

 

[Eliza10]

It sounds as if you were very much able to discuss your feelings with your spouse; he just doesn’t want to listen…

Talk to him with the help of a third party.

Good advice.

The basic principal of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven. …

And if he has no desire to get to heaven and/because he has no desire for the goodness and truth and love, there is *nothing *that *even God *can do to get him there…

…A marriage without any emotional or spiritual intimacy is a huge challenge… .

And yours and the OP’s is not a marraige. I know. I lived with lack in my long marriage, too. It did drive me to the Lord, and thirsting for more of Him and all things true and good led me to the last place I’d expect - the Catholic Church. When I went to inquire about my converting, the Priest asked what my husband thought of my converting. I said that I did not talk to him about it, because if I talk to him about anything that really matters to me he gets very angry. So to keep the peace (in reality nothing I did kept peace in our home, and I tried every single thing, ever book, counseling, everything for many years before I realized this was the only sane or possible choice) I would never try to explain anything about how I felt or what was important to me.

The priest immediately said, “That’s not a marraige.” I was scandalized - I married forever, for better for worse, and if I got worse then that’s how the cookie crumbled.

But in time I had more priests in confession say the same thing - and I did not solicit this.

Later my marraige ended against my will, and i was glad I had the sacraments to sustain me. But I have realized the full truth of my long marraige - it truly was not a marraige. As yours and the OP’s is not.

I am telling you and the OP this not to encourage you to leave him. Possibly there is some way to get along better. But you should realize the reality and truth that this is not a marraige. There is a slim chance he could turnabout. It would be great. But sometimes things are exactly what they seem be, and all the effort in the world can’t change a sow’s ear into a silk purse.

The biggest comfort for me in my not-a-marraige was that “Jesus is the husband to the husbandless”. So lean on Him, and don’t expect the impossible from a man who likely should never have married.

And if you are not expecting a miracle, you can go to a counselor with your eyes wide open to discovering the truth about the hopes of revival. Because its good to be truth-seeking, not miracle-expecting. God never tells us to expect a miracle. I think that comes from a name-it-and-claim-it kind of faith. Get help seeing reality from a counselor and look for solutions that can truly work. It likely will never be storybook. But God can and will sustain you.

And when I look back on my hard marraige followed by some real struggling years as single Mom, I am grateful for those hardships because I learned to trust in God. I always had faith, but the hardest hardships are what made me trust in Him. And the best lesson in my whole life has been to have to trust in God - so that I discovered I truly can! It makes all it took for me to learn to trust totally and completely worth it!
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[Giggly_Giraffe]

Actually it’s sometimes easier to pray and to witness miracles of he prayer for those who have no desire to get into heaven than it is for praying for those who seemingly appear to be more saintly. The only thing you can control is if you want to get into heaven; the. Take a baby step towards that at every chance you get.

As you seek council please make sure of the long term objective you are striving for. Many in their council may seek to lead you on a different path. Many will “sell” their agenda of vilifying your husband or playing on your selfish wants to separate what God put together.

 

[acadian]

And yours and the OP’s is not a marraige. I know. I lived with lack in my long marriage, too. It did drive me to the Lord… I said that I did not talk to him about it, because if I talk to him about anything that really matters to me he gets very angry. So to keep the peace (in reality nothing I did kept peace in our home, and I tried every single thing, ever book, counseling, everything for many years before I realized this was the only sane or possible choice) I would never try to explain anything about how I felt or what was important to me.

The biggest comfort for me in my not-a-marraige was that “Jesus is the husband to the husbandless”. So lean on Him, and don’t expect the impossible from a man who likely should never have married
.
.
.

You have hit the nail on the head.

I have forgotten how to have opinions or feelings about things within a marriage, because they don’t matter anyway. Retrouvaille was all about feelings, and I kept finding my self wanting to say “I feel neutral”

I also found myself frustrated at the constant question of “How do you feel about your answer?” “Well, I feel just fine about my answer. What else is there to say?” Our dialogues quickly devolved into lectures from him about what it was like to grow up in an alcoholic family or about alcoholism. If my feelings differed from his, he got pissy.

I have brought my situations to confession many times. My good priest has been a rock of sanity. Right now my husband is stuck on the Bible verse about the man as leader. Allegedly the priest at Retrouvaille told him that we must do everything together and that if we didn’t we would get divorced. And since the only thing he wants to do is sit in a chair and watch TV, its not boding well. But since he is the “leader” he gets to pick what we do and I have to go along with it and not do anything that feeds or nurtures me. Baloney. I’m not really drinking that Kool-Aid. I gave up fear for Lent.

I might should have given up anger and resentment, because that comes up often. Al-Anon and Confession are two tools in my toolbox.

Anyway, I still do have [slim] hope that change will things. We are dead without hope, I think. It will be a way for God to show how awesome He is.

So much more I could say…but I have to run for now.

 

[R1ch4rd]

You have hit the nail on the head.

I have forgotten how to have opinions or feelings about things within a marriage, because they don’t matter anyway. Retrouvaille was all about feelings, and I kept finding my self wanting to say “I feel neutral”

I also found myself frustrated at the constant question of “How do you feel about your answer?” “Well, I feel just fine about my answer. What else is there to say?” Our dialogues quickly devolved into lectures from him about what it was like to grow up in an alcoholic family or about alcoholism. If my feelings differed from his, he got pissy.

I have brought my situations to confession many times. My good priest has been a rock of sanity. Right now my husband is stuck on the Bible verse about the man as leader. Allegedly the priest at Retrouvaille told him that we must do everything together and that if we didn’t we would get divorced. And since the only thing he wants to do is sit in a chair and watch TV, its not boding well. But since he is the “leader” he gets to pick what we do and I have to go along with it and not do anything that feeds or nurtures me. Baloney. I’m not really drinking that Kool-Aid. I gave up fear for Lent.

I might should have given up anger and resentment, because that comes up often. Al-Anon and Confession are two tools in my toolbox.

Anyway, I still do have [slim] hope that change will things. We are dead without hope, I think. It will be a way for God to show how awesome He is.

So much more I could say…but I have to run for now.

Sorry Retrouvaille went poorly, did you finish the post sessions? HDYFAYA isn’t for you, you know how you feel. It’s information for your spouse and quite often how you feel about your answer is more enlightening then the question itself. If a lecture follows dialog then you have the wrong idea how it’s supposed to go and you should contact the presenters or the attending priest for help. It does work if done right.

Not sure if you’ve ever been hooked on anything, but quitting alcohol is big and he needs too talk about it. It may be his way of apologizing for what he put you through.

You sound pretty strong, I assume you’ve told him what you’ve written here and he needs to to work on change…otherwise you are drinking that kool aid.

Best wishes to you two!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. He is on unemployment & has been since Feb. He helps with the children and to be honest id like to stay home or work part time. I miss my kids and being a home maker… Whenever I bring up my feelings he tells me I’m never happy. Actually I am happy just fed up. He never admits fault and I feel like he doesn’t care? He plays a lot of xbox daily and he drinks several times a week. He isn’t abusive just not emotionally available to me? I have a history of depression and I feel at times he won’t listen to me because of my diagnosis? Maybe that’s just my observation? I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

OP, any update? Have you gotten anything from your thread?