Can't discuss feelings with my spouse

[Markus2007]

I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. He is on unemployment & has been since Feb. He helps with the children and to be honest id like to stay home or work part time. I miss my kids and being a home maker… Whenever I bring up my feelings he tells me I’m never happy. Actually I am happy just fed up. He never admits fault and I feel like he doesn’t care? He plays a lot of xbox daily and he drinks several times a week. He isn’t abusive just not emotionally available to me? I have a history of depression and I feel at times he won’t listen to me because of my diagnosis? Maybe that’s just my observation? I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

This has nothing to do with feelings, but if your husband is unemployed and you have a hard time working this much and being away from your kids, I don’t think he has any time to play xbox or go out drinking. He needs to find a job and financially support his family.

 

[utunumsint]

I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. He is on unemployment & has been since Feb. He helps with the children and to be honest id like to stay home or work part time. I miss my kids and being a home maker… Whenever I bring up my feelings he tells me I’m never happy. Actually I am happy just fed up. He never admits fault and I feel like he doesn’t care? He plays a lot of xbox daily and he drinks several times a week. He isn’t abusive just not emotionally available to me? I have a history of depression and I feel at times he won’t listen to me because of my diagnosis? Maybe that’s just my observation? I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

Has he always been this way, or only since his unemployment?

If it only started after the unemployment, then he may be depressed. It is really difficult to be out of a job, for anyone. Most men (not all but most) tend to disconnect emotionally when they are hurting inside or feel bad about themselves. The XBox and the drinking would seem to point to that too. Maybe the XBox is an escape into fantasy, and also the drinking. He may be running away from his painful reality and self medicating with alcohol.

Some men need a kick in the *** at this point, but other need a loving rub on the back, and maybe a reassuring hug (I know I would).

Regardless, I think he needs prayers and support. And also, it can be difficult for him to look beyond himself when he is in a dark place like this to consider what others may be going through.

God bless,
Ut

 

[acadian]

Sorry Retrouvaille went poorly, did you finish the post sessions? HDYFAYA isn’t for you, you know how you feel. It’s information for your spouse and quite often how you feel about your answer is more enlightening then the question itself. If a lecture follows dialog then you have the wrong idea how it’s supposed to go and you should contact the presenters or the attending priest for help. It does work if done right.

Not sure if you’ve ever been hooked on anything, but quitting alcohol is big and he needs too talk about it. It may be his way of apologizing for what he put you through.

You sound pretty strong, I assume you’ve told him what you’ve written here and he needs to to work on change…otherwise you are drinking that kool aid.

Best wishes to you two!

I went to all of the post session and my husband went to all except one or two. He didn’t want to go to any, because it was during LSU football games, but he made the sacrifice.

As for HDYFAYA… I feel good. Otherwise I would have put a different answer. It was just hard to get a whole lot of feeling about an ANSWER. If the question was “How do you feel when…” - those I could answer. But the HDYFAYA was pretty much the same every time. It really got discouraging when all of the questions seemed to be about why your spouse is your best friend, etc. Ummm…how can someone that won’t even listen to your feelings be your best friend?

Yes, I know dialogue is not supposed to be a lecture. When I would bring that up, there was some excuse about why he was telling me what he was telling me. Or else he would get mad…“Yes, Miss Dialogue Know-It-All”. Maybe not those exact words, but that was the attitude.

My husband stopped drinking over 30 years ago. However, he has not worked his AA program in about 28 years, and many of the character issues that led him to drink back then are still present. Back then he avoided feelings by drinking. Now he just avoids them. I guess my life could be much worse if he was still actively drinking, but then I wouldn’t have married him at all. Now he has prescription painkillers, and I think that makes some of the alcoholic behaviors read their ugly heads.

Yes, I’ve had much of this discussion with him. His change was to be more controlling to show me who “the leader” of the house is. Because that’s what the Retrouvaille priest supposedly told him

I can not change him. I can not control him. I can only work on myself.

I will survive. With prayer, the sacraments of the church, and the support found at AlAnon meetings.

 

[R1ch4rd]

I went to all of the post session and my husband went to all except one or two. He didn’t want to go to any, because it was during LSU football games, but he made the sacrifice. .

That was very big of him. Did you dialog every day or just the weekends?

As for HDYFAYA… I feel good. Otherwise I would have put a different answer. It was just hard to get a whole lot of feeling about an ANSWER. If the question was “How do you feel when…” - those I could answer. But the HDYFAYA was pretty much the same every time.** It really got discouraging when all of the questions seemed to be about why your spouse is your best friend, **etc. Ummm…how can someone that won’t even listen to your feelings be your best friend?

I didn’t get this feeling at all. The questions seemed to be rather generic and your both responding to the same one so half is about him and the other half is about you.

Yes, I know dialogue is not supposed to be a lecture. When I would bring that up, there was some excuse about why he was telling me what he was telling me. Or else he would get mad…“Yes, Miss Dialogue Know-It-All”. Maybe not those exact words, but that was the attitude.

If this is truly what he got out of the sessions, he wasted his time.

My husband stopped drinking over 30 years ago. However, he has not worked his AA program in about 28 years, and many of the character issues that led him to drink back then are still present. Back then he avoided feelings by drinking. Now he just avoids them. I guess my life could be much worse if he was still actively drinking, but then I wouldn’t have married him at all. Now he has prescription painkillers, and I think that makes some of the alcoholic behaviors read their ugly heads

So he replaced one addiction with another…legal narcotics.

Yes, I’ve had much of this discussion with him. His change was to be more controlling to show me who “the leader” of the house is. Because that’s what the Retrouvaille priest supposedly told him

I can’t imagine a priest (let alone a Retrouvaille priest) ever saying this.

I can not change him. I can not control him. I can only work on myself.

Maybe more drastic measures are needed.

I read these posts knowing there are three sides to each story. Your’s, his and what’s really happening. I am really sorry you guy’s couldn’t make Retrouvaile work. My wife and I found that we started to miss knowing more about each other if we stopped dialog. Most of the questions are really not meant to solve issues but rather to keep lines of communication open. Again, best of luck to you. I’ll pray…

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Quote:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why not sign your Husband up to mow lawns, prune plants and do weeding for people in your Local area (ie gardening work) with a little business card printed? This would get him away from home during school hours, give him the sunshine he requires, off the dreaded X-Box (highly addictive things), and he interacts with people giving you both something to chat about at the end of your day.

In relation to communication: I would be removing the X-Box, putting your foot down for weekly counselling sessions (everyone has issues from childhood) and if not released, flow into Marriages if not released previously. Of an evening, why not go on walks or bike rides together as a Family, join a sporting team such as indoor cricket, playing Tennis, Squash, Swimming or Skating, joining a group for Charity together; some fun activities and interests done outside of the Home. Routine is not great for most people, particularly when its all work and no play!

Change, exercise and new interests added to your Marriage!

Love and best wishes

Originally Posted by kate(name removed by moderator) View Post
I don’t mean to sound whiney but I need to talk. I’ve been married 11 years this summer. I have emotionally disconnected from my husband. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with him about numerous topics mainly related to me working 40+ hrs a week. He is on unemployment & has been since Feb. He helps with the children and to be honest id like to stay home or work part time. I miss my kids and being a home maker… Whenever I bring up my feelings he tells me I’m never happy. Actually I am happy just fed up. He never admits fault and I feel like he doesn’t care? He plays a lot of xbox daily and he drinks several times a week. He isn’t abusive just not emotionally available to me? I have a history of depression and I feel at times he won’t listen to me because of my diagnosis? Maybe that’s just my observation? I just don’t know what to do. I act like everything is fine but inside I feel so alone at times. Thank you

I am SO right there with you. Except that my husband doesn’t play x-box. He watches TV day in and day out, and goes out on jobs a couple of times a week. And we’ve been married 19 years.

I can not discuss feelings with my husband. Especially “challenging” ones. This became crystal clear when we went through Retrouvaille last summer. It is all about feelings. I thought it was my fault for not sharing feelings, but truly, he can’t deal with any that are different from his. I think it goes back to growing up in an alcoholic family. He immediately wants to change me into what he what works for him.

A marriage without any emotional or spiritual intimacy is a huge challenge.

I can share some things that I am drawing strength from: Al-Anon. I have been to some meetings and I belong to a closed group on Facebook. Lots of support there. My husband has been “sober” for 30 years, but prescription painkillers have entered the picture now and the alcoholic self-centeredness never really disappeared, even though the alcohol did. For the first time in a long time, I felt validated.

The book “Emotional Blackmail”. Plenty of that going on here. Recognizing it has helped. I do not have to live as a doormat.

Prayer. My husband resents my participation in anything over and above Sunday Mass, but he doesn’t understand that the graces I receive are what enable me to continue to live with him and try to make loving choices. Yesterday I stood in front of the tabernacle (while the church was empty) and turned the whole mess over to God. I know I should pray more for my husband. Later that morning, a dear friend at work told me about a book she was reading and said I HAD to get a copy. The Power of a Praying Wife. I downloaded it last night. So far, good stuff.

I don’t really have any answers. But I do wish I could send you a huge (((hug))).

 

[lily22]

quit your job…

 

[Phil_Marinus]

HolyRosaryChild gave a great answer…