Can't forgive someone

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Operations66

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I’m not sure if this is the right section of the forum to post this. There are so many… In any case -

There is someone who hurt me badly 5 years ago, and to this day I have not been able to forgive her. I have been able to avoid expressing anger toward her, but inside I cannot let go of the resentment, even hatred sometimes.

I have forgiven everyone else in my life and have really been able to clean up a lot of my habitual sins. But this one person…

I know this is a deadly sin. It is murder of the mind. If I do not forgive, I cannot be forgiven, I know. I have prayed to God to help me forgive and forget. But so far I remain a murderer in my mind.

I wish there was a way out of this.
 
Keep praying. Ask God to help you work through your anger and forgive. Ask for His grace and the Holy Spirit to help you. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Don’t condemn yourself. Forgiveness can be hard. You’re training for a marathon in getting past this. Just keep trying. Time and prayer will take care of it. I have been there.

Remember the story Corrie Ten Boom told at the end of “The Hiding Place” where the Nazi guard who had abused her and her sister, who died in the camp, approached Corrie and asked her to forgive him. She still hated him. She prayed, “O Lord, forgive this man, I cannot,” or something like that. And she felt a wave of God’s grace and she was able to forgive the guard.
 
Forgiveness to me, is giving the person a
“second chance” to redeem themselves,
it is a “gift” of mercy and Love, yes, it is
COSTLY, but God’s forgiveness is EVER-
LASTING and it cost Him His Son!!

“That He would grant you, according to His
riches in glory to be strengthened by His
Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may
dwell in your hearts by faith and that you,
being rooted and grounded in love will be able
w/ all the saints, to grasp how long and wide
and high and deep and to know the love
of Christ which is beyond knowing, that
you may be filled with all the fullness of
God.” Eph. 3:16-19
Amen!!
 
You might not think it, but you CAN forgive this person. We all hurt people ourselves in our own way, and we leave scars as much as others leave scars on us. We are all equally, dare I say, ‘victims’ of the human condition.

God is a loving and forgiving God. Ask him for the grace to be able to forgive. Admit to Him that you cannot find it in you, and the grace will come flowing. My friend, it might take a while but you have already started the motion to forgiveness - you recognise that you can’t, but you know you must.

God is good. Let Him work it out through you.
 
Operations66 said:
I wish there was a way out of this.
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I believe the following may help you -

Dr Phil once said, “Don’t get caught up in whether your situation is fair or unfair, get over it and figure out how to win.” I believe forgiving is how you win, because it frees you! (Then with clarity you can see what needs to be done without your judgment being clouded with hatred, anger, resentment or vengeance), and if the other party is repentant, it produces great fruit in them too.

‘Hating someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die’

I believe there is nothing to be gained by harboring emotions of hatred, anger or resentment toward someone … nothing but more pain and heartache for yourself and others.

I think it’s important to look at what hatred and vengeance are and what they do, if someone mistreats you, how does hating them help you?

I believe that If you feel hatred, anger or resentment, than you own those feelings and that is why there is only one thing worse than being hurt by someone and that is keeping that hurt alive, you have the ability to forgive those people who have mistreated you, not simply as a gift to them, but as a gift to yourself.

Forgiveness will set you free from pain others have caused you in your life, forgiveness will free you from the hatred anger or resentment that you choose to carry.

To assume that you can turn your feelings of hate, anger or resentment on and off like a light switch is naïve, these feelings of bitterness and anger are such powerful influences that once they enter your heart, they are present in all of your relationships. They truly do make you become a different person. Who you were goes away, and now you are defined by the hatred and bitterness. Ultimately, what makes these emotions so powerful is that they change who you are. Your hatred, anger, and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation.

I believe There is something else you must consider: you cannot give away what you do not have.

You cannot give pure and accepting love from a pure and accepting heart if you have neither. That would mean giving away what you do not have. If the love in your heart is contaminated, if growing within it is the cancer of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the only love that you have to give. If your heart has turned cold and hard because of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the heart from which all your emotions spring. That is the love and that is the heart that you have to offer your loved ones and fellow human beings. Hatred, anger, and resentment truly change who you are. They truly prevent you from being able to give to those you love that which you want them to have.

Many people say: “I can’t forgive because they aren’t sorry and they don’t deserve or even want my forgiveness.” If that’s the standard, there are many people in this world who, clearly, will never be entitled to forgiveness, however; forgiveness is about you, it’s about the gift of freeing yourself from such ugly emotions, you didn’t do the crime, so why do the additional time?

It’s about you saying *"I will not bond with you through hatred, anger, or resentment. I will not bond with you through fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I do not, and I will not, You are the one who committed the crime, I don’t have to continue to suffer for it and I refuse to, by forgiving you I am releasing myself from that emotional prison you have locked me in, you cannot mistreat me and than continue hurting me through those feelings of hatred, anger or resentment, I make that choice, not you.” *

Please continue to next post -
 
Take the power back from those who have hurt you. The Choice is, and always has been, all yours. The power of forgiveness is the power to set yourself free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. Seize the power and rise above the pain. You are worth it, and everyone you love deserves it.

(Christ told us that our Hearts are where our treasure is. Matthew 6:19-21) It’s a treasure that does not rust and cannot be stolen! It can only be thrown away, and we choose to throw it away when we harbor those ugly emotions of hatred anger, or resentment toward someone who has mistreated us, take the power back from those who have hurt you! take your treasure back! Forgiveness is a gift to yourself! reclaim your heart!

“Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.” - Romans 12:21

After forgiveness, I believe when you think of the wrong doing, instead of emotions such as hatred, anger or resentment, these will instead be emotions of pity. Pity means feeling for others, particularly feelings of sadness or sorrow towards someone, this I believe is what replaces those ugly emotions of hatred, anger and resentment towards someone.

In saying all of this, I would also like to say that I believe forgiveness doesn’t mean putting yourself in vulnerable situations though, as it says in the gospels 6 *“Do not give dogs what is holy; and do not throw your pearls before swine." Matthew 7:6 and 16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." *Matthew 10:17

Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it. - Dr Phil

Don’t give your power away. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you. By constantly re-living the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you. - Dr Phil

Don’t cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you. - Dr Phil

There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious choice every day to forgive. To say, “I’m letting this go. I’m not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore.” You can find closure in forgiveness. - Dr Phil

You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now. - Dr Phil
The Gospel of Matthew:
Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you salute only your brethren, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
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Extract from the book 'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis:
Forgiveness

I said in a previous chapter that chastity was the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. But I am not sure I was right. I believe there is one even more unpopular. It is laid down in the Christian rule, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’ Because in Christian morals ‘thy neighbor’ includes ‘thy enemy’, and so we come up against this terrible duty of forgiving our enemies.

Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive, as we had during the war. And then, to mention the subject at all is to be greeted with howls of anger. It is not that people think this too high and difficult a virtue: it is that they think it hateful and contemptible. ‘That sort of talk makes them sick,’ they say. And half of you already want to ask me, ‘I wonder how you’d feel about forgiving the Gestapo if you were a Pole or a Jew?’

So do I. I wonder very much. Just as when Christianity tells me that I must not deny my religion even to save myself from death by torture, I wonder very much what I should do when it came to the point. I am not trying to tell you in this book what I could do - I can do precious little - I am telling you what Christianity is. I did not invent it. And there, right in the middle of it, I find ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us.’ There is no slightest suggestion that we are offered forgiveness on any other terms. It is made perfectly clear that if we do not forgive we shall not be forgiven. There are no two ways about it. What are we to do?

It is going to be hard enough, anyway, but I think there are two things we can do to make it easier. When you start mathematics you do not begin with the calculus; you begin with simple addition. In the same way, if we really want (but all depends on really wanting) to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo. One might start with forgiving one’s husband or wife, or parents or children, or nearest N.C.O., for something they have done or said in the last week. That will probably keep us busy for the moment. And secondly, we might try to understand exactly what loving you neighbor as yourself means. I have to love him as I love myself. Well, how exactly do I love myself?

Now that I come to think of it, I have not exactly got a feeling of fondness or affection for myself, and I do not even always enjoy my own society. So apparently ‘love your neighbor’ does not mean ‘feel fond of him’ or ‘find him attractive’. I ought to have seen that before, because, of course, you cannot feel fond of a person by trying. Do I think well of myself, think myself a nice chap? Well, I am afraid I sometimes do (and those are, no doubt, my worst moments) but that is not why I love myself. In fact it is the other way round: my self-love makes me think myself nice, but thinking myself nice is not why I love myself. So loving my enemies does not apparently mean thinking them nice either. That is an enormous relief. For a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are. Go a step further. In my most clear-sighted moments not only do I not think myself a nice man, but I know that I am a very nasty one. I can look at some of the things I’ve done with horror and loathing. So apparently I am allowed to loath and hate some of the things my enemies do. Now that I come to think of it, I remember Christian teachers telling me long ago that I must hate a bad man’s actions, but not hate the bad man; or, as they would say, hate the sin but not the sinner.
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Please continue to next post -
 
Continued:
For a long time I used to think this a silly straw-splitting distinction: how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? but years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life - namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated the things was because I loved the man. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find I was the sort of man who did those things. Consequently, Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them. Not one word of what we have said about them needs to be unsaid. But it does want us to hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry that the man should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere, he can be cured and made human again.
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I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
Have you taken your unforgiveness to confession? That helps.

When you forgive someone, one of the things you do is agree to bear the cost of what they’ve done to you. Since whatever this person did was five years ago, you’ve already absorbed the consequences into your life; you’ve already been bearing the cost, and then some, for a long time. There’s absolutely no reason to carry this around anymore.

Let Jesus deal with it. He understands the situation much better than you do, anyway. He even understands your hurt better than you do! Pray for this person, and remember what you have in common:

*Jesus, thank you for your mercy toward me, mercy you’ve often shown me long before I even knew I needed it. Help me show that same mercy to this person who has hurt me. She doesn’t deserve it, but neither do I. *
 
Operations66 said:
I wish there was a way out of this.
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There is a way out. You can forgive her. It is not something that you are doing for her in this case, it is for you. You cannot, and will not, have peace until you forgive her.

I don’t know the situation, and I am not asking you to go into it, but know that if this person is toxic, you can forgive them, but have nothing more to do with them. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to stay friends, or pick up where you left off.
 
Forgiving someone who has hurt us is a decision. It is brought about by an act of the will and not of the emotions. In his book, “To Forgive is Divine,” Fr. Robert DeGrandis, SSJ wrote:

“TO WANT to forgive is to forgive. If we pray for a person we can be sure that we have forgiven them. The Lord only asks us to make that deliberate act of our will by which we say, ‘Yes, I WILL to forgive this person who hurt me.’ No doubt there will be strong emotions still feeling the hurt and pain. We can always distinguish between the action of the will and the action of the emotions. The ‘will’ rules over the ‘emotions’ and the rest of the body. Sometimes we may forgive by sheer will power. That is all that is needed – absolutely all that is needed. Though the emotions churn, when the decision to forgive is made, forgiveness is accomplished.”

To read the full article please click on the link below:

pilgrimsreveries.blogspot.com/2007/03/forgiveness-is-decision.html
 
At some stage, struggling with forgiveness, I wrote the following. Maybe it can help?

When we cannot forgive

Father help us to recover where injury goes beyond ordinary forgiveness and our hearts are in some way crushed, and our lives changed and devalued. Help us to find a way to forgive when we cannot smile or encounter the offending person with warmth because they have destroyed something in us.

Father please help us to forgive when we cannot forgive…and we cannot forgive because they do not understand how badly they have hurt us, and do not seek in any real way to acknowledge or try to heal the hurt they imposed on us. And even when we tried to tell them from the bottom of our heart but they would not listen, please help us to forgive.

Father help us to forgive when those who hurt our lives do not even remember how badly they have wounded us, and go on with their lives without concern, while we remain still held in some kind of time capsule with the consequences of their unfeeling and uncaring and attack.

Father, help us to forgive when those who wounded us by ignoring our needs and requests, yet who desire us to ignore their offense, and expect us to respond to their hints or manipulations while they make no concessions or apologies.

Help us to forgive those who impose their own conditions and rules upon us, without respecting that our hurt is real and radical, while they make us feel that they only desire our capitulation without justice, apology, or generosity from them.

Please help us to forgive those who have hurt us physically, or emotionally, or mentally, and above all, spiritually, by action or by neglect.

Father please free us, free me, in forgiveness that comes from Your Son, innocent, and murdered, but forgiving
 
Thank you to everyone who replied. I read it all. I know forgiveness will bring me release. I will continue to pray for the grace to forgive this person. I will also take this sin to confession.

What makes it harder is that this person would never admit to any wrongdoing or ask for forgiveness for it. It’s easier to forgive someone who is contrite, but we don’t always get that.
 
Another…maybe something will resonate with you…but remember, sometimes we have to forgive the same person again, when the hurt rises strongly. At the least we are required to pray for the pers, and we can tell God how hard we find it to forgive the person or persons, asking Him to somehow forgive them within us.
**

Forgiveness**

Dear God, You do not merely suggest that we love and forgive each other. You command it. Yet sometimes it is difficult to love, and forgiveness seems almost a betrayal of self or loved ones where offence is terrible. I ask grace to pray for anyone who hurts loved ones or me through misunderstanding, frailty, or malice. I ask grace not to judge anyone for real or imagined injustice or injury.

You know all judgments that I have made in my life since infancy, even those so habitual that I hardly notice. They may contribute to unloving or mistrustful attitude, and thus prevent me from living a life of love, grace and joy.

Every time anyone hurts or angers me, let Your grace remind me to acknowledge my real feelings. The matter may be trivial, but if ignored, my feelings may fester into resentment. Grant me forgiveness that rejects negative feelings and leads to compassion and reconciliation. Heal my lack of love for myself, for any other, and for You. Let me view my flaws and others’ with humility and patience.

God, I forgive and bless anyone who hurts or neglects my loved ones or me. Restore and bless anyone I have offended or neglected. Give them grace to accept my repentance. Procure reconciliation where I am afraid to risk the other’s bitterness or rejection.

Holy Spirit please go to each person I have ever hurt, flooding him or her with God’s abundant gifts of love and healing. Allow us to experience Your love, and help us to accept Your will, Your timing and Your ways. I trust all relationships and situations into Your love. 2001
 
Trishie said:
At some stage, struggling with forgiveness, I wrote the following. Maybe it can help?

When we cannot forgive

Father help us to recover where injury goes beyond ordinary forgiveness and our hearts are in some way crushed, and our lives changed and devalued. Help us to find a way to forgive when we cannot smile or encounter the offending person with warmth because they have destroyed something in us.

Father please help us to forgive when we cannot forgive…and we cannot forgive because they do not understand how badly they have hurt us, and do not seek in any real way to acknowledge or try to heal the hurt they imposed on us. And even when we tried to tell them from the bottom of our heart but they would not listen, please help us to forgive.

Father help us to forgive when those who hurt our lives do not even remember how badly they have wounded us, and go on with their lives without concern, while we remain still held in some kind of time capsule with the consequences of their unfeeling and uncaring and attack.

Father, help us to forgive when those who wounded us by ignoring our needs and requests, yet who desire us to ignore their offense, and expect us to respond to their hints or manipulations while they make no concessions or apologies.

Help us to forgive those who impose their own conditions and rules upon us, without respecting that our hurt is real and radical, while they make us feel that they only desire our capitulation without justice, apology, or generosity from them.

Please help us to forgive those who have hurt us physically, or emotionally, or mentally, and above all, spiritually, by action or by neglect.

Father please free us, free me, in forgiveness that comes from Your Son, innocent, and murdered, but forgiving
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Beautiful, Trishie. So good to have you back! 🙂
 
Operations66 said:
What makes it harder is that this person would never admit to any wrong-doing or ask for forgiveness for it. It’s easier to forgive someone who is contrite, but we don’t always get that.
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Yes, the first post I made on your thread acknowledges that…and I know how that is, when the person doesn’t recognition or ever acknowledge the wrong. Probably never will.
God bless you, kind wishes, Trishie
 
Everyone above has given you great adcvice, I read it briefly so please excuse me if someone has already mentioned what I am about to suggest.

I suggest you have one or a series of Masses said for this woman. You can get a Mass said at your local parish, or shrine, but I tend to have my Mass requests through the Seraphic Mass Association. I learned about the SMA and the practice of having a Mass said for a special intention from The Porter of St. Bonaventure a book about the life of St. Fr. Solanus Casey.

I can not express how much having a mass said for peopleI love, and even more for someone who has hurt me or worse someone I love has worked miracles in my life.

The Mass is the highest form of Worship and Prayer. It would be one of the greatest charities you could possibly offer this woman. From there, your forgiveness will begin. It may sneak up on you as a surprise if you hold this lady up in prayer for her salvation and every good thing.

God Bless you and.Heal you.
 
If you do have a Mass said for this woman, you do not have to send her the Mass card. But it just might be fun if you did. ask the Holy Spirit if you ought to send it to her.

God Bless you!
 
josh987654321 said:
Don’t cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you. - Dr Phil

There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious choice every day to forgive. To say, “I’m letting this go. I’m not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore.” You can find closure in forgiveness. - Dr Phil

You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now. - Dr Phil
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This is the best part of the Dr. Phil advice, IMHO. Especially the part about its taking time and that being all right. I have met so many people who claimed that you needed to or “should” forgive right away because hatred or negativity is toxic. Now there’s a handful of people who are really blessed with the ability to forgive quickly, and there are others who, by praying a lot and working towards being very spiritual, have reached the point in their development where they can forgive quickly. But there are a LOT of other people who don’t really forgive, they just bury their bad feelings and say they’ve forgiven and it’s all better when it really isn’t. Often they do this because they’re afraid of their own anger and bad feelings. And often they are the ones pointing fingers and telling others that they “should” forgive faster.

Anger over a wrong is sort of like grief. For most of us, it has to be worked through, and it takes time, and stages.

I have genuinely forgiven people in the last couple of years who I thought I never could…but it took me like 10 years or even 20 or 25 years to get to that point.
 
Agree.
josh987654321 said:
I believe the following may help you -

Dr Phil once said, “Don’t get caught up in whether your situation is fair or unfair, get over it and figure out how to win.” I believe forgiving is how you win, because it frees you!
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True. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to interact with her. Love her from afar. Forgiveness doesn’t mean liking the person.

Also make distinction between feelings of unforgiveness and anger from the act of the will to forgive.
Irishmom2 said:
I don’t know the situation, and I am not asking you to go into it, but know that if this person is toxic, you can forgive them, but have nothing more to do with them. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to stay friends, or pick up where you left off.
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And those recommendations to pray and offer Masses for her are very good. I pray for those who have wronged me or my loved ones constantly. And I don’t have any warm fuzzy feelings for them, nor am I required to. I desire their utmost good, which is God Himself.
 
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