Can't get a handle on Detraction

[CRV]

Over time I have been told by priests that I can confide in one trustworthy friend my problem involving myself, and another priest once told me detraction was when you tell this person and this person and this person. Regarding gravity I was once told by a priest “you didn’t shout it from the rooftop”, which I understand to mean telling a lot of people and thus greatly damaging the persons reputation. Also in regards to gravity, it depends on what was revealed as in someone told a garden variety lie compared to lying under oath in a court of law (first instance venial, second example mortal).

After the incident happened I rang the first trustworthy friend to say what just happened and what was said to me, as I was angry and upset, dumbfounded at being told I had no rights in a matter, so this confiding was for comfort - and because at that time of day the second friend was not available to me to talk to.

This second friend is the one whom I confide in the most.

The second good trustworthy friend I had no intention of telling (because I’d already told someone the day before), but once started the whole story came out as I was still gobsmacked by what was said and how I was treated by an official.

At the time of acting I did remember the advice from years ago that I could tell one trusted friend, so there was full consent to the second telling.

I have read and bookmarked various good articles online by good and faithful priests explaining detraction, but the “telling more than one” part is causing a dilemma for me.

Does telling more than one trusted friend automatically make it the sin of detraction regardless of ones’ intention in the matter?

Hoping someone on here can help me with this problem.

 

[ineedofmercy]

I had a similar experience
I had someone seriously wrong me and I forgave them (in my heart) before they apologized and forgave them when they did later on
I told the person I wouldn’t spread the word on what they did
However I keep ending up in situations where I feel obligated to explain what happened between us
Many times I say I can’t say or avoid mentioning who or what happened

I told one friend who didn’t know if it during a heart to heart
I told them not to change their opinion of this person and to remain friends

I feel I may have just committed a sin by going back somewhat on my word

 

[po18guy]

Am I understanding correctly? Detraction involves others, not the self. For example, you tell friend B all about friend A’s problems. That is detraction. You can tell the entire world of your sins and problems without sinning.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It sounds like you had a situation where a public official treated you in a way that seemed very unfair. You were upset about this and related the situation to a couple of your friends.

Assuming everything you said was true - in other words you didn’t make up a lie about what the public official said to you - then how did you engage in detraction?

A public official doing their job is a matter of public record and public concern. You could conceivably write a newspaper story about it if you wanted, and it wouldn’t be a sin of any kind unless like I said you were telling lies about what happened.

 

[sudy]

Detraction is telling something that is true about someone, which might diminish that person in someone else’s eyes. Calumny is where it’s a lie that you’re telling about a person.

The sin of detraction is when there’s no valid reason to have told somebody else the details, I think. If you’re troubled by this particular situation, speak with your priest.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Detraction is telling something that is true about someone, which might diminish that person in someone else’s eyes.

My understanding is that detraction is revealing another person’s true faults to a third person without a valid reason - in other words, hurting someone’s reputation for no reason. In other words, it’s a sin of gossip.

Telling your friends a true experience you had with public official or your ex-husband or whatever because you’re upset and trying to process what happened isn’t detraction or whatever, it’s normal human venting. Additionally if it’s a situation involving an official, it’s a matter of public concern.

I agree the OP needs to speak to their priest. There’s a big difference between gossip for no good reason and being able to share your personal experiences with friends for the sake of getting support and understanding and if necessary, suggestions for further help.

 

[Vico]

…
Does telling more than one trusted friend automatically make it the sin of detraction regardless of ones’ intention in the matter?
…

An objectively valid reason for revelation is needed.

Catechism

2477 … Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. 278 He becomes guilty: …

• of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them; …

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I really don’t think number of friends matters because to me this isn’t detraction in the first place. You didn’t reveal a “fault” of the official. You are talking about what he said to you.

Detraction would be if you saw him staggering drunk out of a bar at lunchtime and told a bunch of your friends for no good reason. His alcohol abuse while on the job would be a “fault”.

Him doing his job and telling you stuff in the course of his job isn’t a fault of his in any way.

Please discuss again with a priest if you have questions.

 

[CRV]

sudy,

Correct . My problem is that I’ve been told you can confide your problem to a trustworthy friend, but only ONE friend. From this I understand that to tell more than one, would be detraction. I guess the thinking behind this is, once you’ve told a friend to tell them what happened to you, it should end there, and you shouldn’t tell anyone else.

I believe I had valid reason to tell another what happened.

But the part that is tripping me up is the number of people I’ve confided in - perhaps I should not have said anything to the second friend, just told the one friend and left it at that.

Good advice, thankyou, I will try to obtain advice from my PP.

My understanding is that detraction is revealing another person’s true faults to a third person without a valid reason - in other words, hurting someone’s reputation for no reason. In other words, it’s a sin of gossip.

Telling your friends a true experience you had with public official or your ex-husband or whatever because you’re upset and trying to process what happened isn’t detraction or whatever, it’s normal human venting. Additionally if it’s a situation involving an official, it’s a matter of public concern.

I agree the OP needs to speak to their priest. There’s a big difference between gossip for no good reason and being able to share your personal experiences with friends for the sake of getting support and understanding and if necessary, suggestions for further help.

Agreed! But considering two other priests have told me that I can only tell ONE friend is what is causing me concern. Each of these times I have asked for clarification of detraction, I’ve been told I can only tell one friend. Telling this person, this person and that person IS detraction.

How did that story go? The one where a woman had confessed the sin of gossip and her penance was to take a pillow to the top of the hill, and once the wind had blown all the feathers everywhere, she was then told to go and gather them all up. Or something like that. I understand the “feathers” to represent all the “others” to whom she gossiped with and therefore how difficult it would be to control the spread of what she’d said plus the difficulty of repairing the damage done (gathering up the feathers).

 

[BartholomewB]

Obviously commenters here don’t want to press you to disclose more about the incident that generated your query than you have already told us. But your use of the term “official” suggests that the person concerned was acting in an official capacity of some kind – possibly a government official, possibly a school registrar, possibly a hospital employee, and so on. As far as I can tell, I think @Tis_Bearself put her finger on it when she described the incident as potentially a matter of public concern. In that case, obviously detraction has nothing to do with it. By publicizing your legitimate complaint, you would have been simply doing your duty as a citizen.

A public official doing their job is a matter of public record and public concern.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Exactly, the Catechism spells it out in very simple terms.