Can't get married because of paranoid mother

[sachinbagde]

I am 29 years old ,single and shy male from India.
I have never dated any girl/woman in my life and I am a virgin.
Most of my friends and colleagues are enjoying a blissful married life.

I too wish to be married soon and have a loving relationship with my wife.

However I can’t get married because of my mentally ill mother who is extremly neurotic with obsessive compulsive disorder.

My mother is very stubborn and she does not want me to get into a relationship as she fears that ,as soon as I get married I will throw her out of the house and disown her or leave her in a old age home.
She is paranoid that the woman I marry will somehow corrupt my mind and convince me to disown her.

I can never do that to her as I respect women and especially the one who has given birth to me.

I have suffered embaressment all my life in countless number of situations because of her mental illness. These memories have scarred my life.

Because of this neurotic behaviour, my father had disowned her several times but she would make a huge scene in public and embaress him by telling everyone that he was a drunkard and enjoyed sleeping around with women.

The moment my mom came to her senses she would realize her mistake and would beg my dad to come back and forgive her.

Being a family oriented man he would eventually come home for us although he was never at peace.

Every thing would go normal between my parents untill her next fit of rage which would errupt like a volcano without warning.

He tried several times to persue her to take medications and get treatment,but she refused saying that he wanted to prove she was mentally ill and that she would not let him succeed in getting rid of her.

As a child I was beaten up by her a lot because of her mental illness and her sexual frustation when my father stayed away from her.

My mother has become a lot calmer and stable ever since she renounced her sex life at the age of 36 to devote all her energy into relegious purpose.

It was about the same time when my father went away saying he could not put up with her disorder only to return years later to take care of my mother.

However she still remains paranoid and nagging till date.

There have been many instance involving my neurotic mother that have scarred me for life and many unmentionable episodes that can’t be put in words on this forum.

However I would want an outlet to speak out everything which will help my heart become lighter.
Maybe someday some person will understand what I have been through.

Untill then I pray for my paranoid mother whom I love very much inspite of all the things I have been through because of her.
And I hope she comes to senses someday,only to understand how much desperate her son is waiting for companionship in life.

 

[Lily235]

I’m sorry your mother is such a source of pain for you. Mentally ill abusive parents are well beyond the scope of normal life trials. I’m not sure what to recommend. It sounds like she needs treatment for something, and that you have good reasons to distance yourself from her. You ought to get counseling too, to help sort out all the effects she’s had on you. I don’t know what the possibilities and cultural biases are in India, however. Do you have siblings who could help you with this?

 

[aicirt]

I don’t see how you’ll be able to wed and bring your wife into your home considering your Mom’s mental state. You’ll lose your wife.

I assume your Dad is still around and you are an only child. You have to let things get worse before they can get better for you. She’s Dad’s responsibility, not yours. If she isn’t willing to get medical help for her problems so be it. Get on with your life. She’s not going to change.

 

[faithfulwannabe]

Ouch, I’m so sorry to hear that

I guess she needs a lot of love and assurance from people around her.

I’ll pray for you. I hope you’ll have good life in front of you.

 

[marymary1975]

My advice may not be very popular but here it goes. I am also the daughter of a mentally Ill abusive mother. My mother has bipolar disorder and is schizo affective. Besides that she is extremely dominant…and when I say extremely dominant I mean it. She had me as a single mother and with her I was supposed to do what she said period. She resorted to physical violence to me even after I was over 20 so I can totally relate to what you feel right now because I have been there. You only have two options with your mother: 1-you either allow her to control your life, resign to be a miserable person for the rest of your life and dedicate to please her and submit to her as an slave for the rest of your life; or, 2- you cut the umbilical cord, set boundaries with your mother, lose your fear against her and stand up to her. Those are the only two roads. To me number one was not an option so I went with number 2 and thank God I did.

Do you still live with your mother? If your answer is yes, please…move out! She will get furious and she may make a scandal but you have to stand up to her. You are 29 years old and an adult. There is no reason in the world why she should be controlling you. Unfortunately this is one of the situations where thought love is required. Set boundaries with your mother. You need to make her understand you are an individual human being and she won’t control you. I know is thought because Indian culture. .just like mine…it is expectedthat children will leave with parents until they get married and for them to follow the parents bkindky until they get married. You gotta break that even if the whole community gets mad at you.

I would also recommend you to get some counseling specially before trying any dating or anything similar. There are many psicological issues that come from having an abusive mother and you need to fix them first. Work on your own self. Try to fix your own problem and to break the abuse circle. Again it is very important for you set boundaries with your mother and lose the fear you have with her. In my case I had to set a lot of distance between her and me because she did not want to respect my boundaries. Yes we have to honor our parents but that does not mean you have to allow abuse and to destroy your own life for your parents. First move away, second have a talk with her in which youset up your bboundaries. Third get counseling. If your mother doesn’t respect your boundaries set some distance until she learns that she cannot disrespct you. It is a very thought situation but you don’t have to be miserable for the rest of your life. I will pray for you so god gives you the strength to get out of this situation.

 

[_Gemma]

My mother has mental health problems and is abusive at times.
I really agree with the post above mine. You need independence.
I’m still living with my mother but have no choice because I’m single and studying and have no money.
Please pray! Prayers helped my mother get treatment. Jesus truly cares and he is with us.

I

 

[tawny]

Praying for the intentions of you & your mother.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I am 29 years old ,single and shy male from India.
I have never dated any girl/woman in my life and I am a virgin.
Most of my friends and colleagues are enjoying a blissful married life.

I too wish to be married soon and have a loving relationship with my wife.

However I can’t get married because of my mentally ill mother who is extremly neurotic with obsessive compulsive disorder.

My mother is very stubborn and she does not want me to get into a relationship as she fears that ,as soon as I get married I will throw her out of the house and disown her or leave her in a old age home.
She is paranoid that the woman I marry will somehow corrupt my mind and convince me to disown her.

I can never do that to her as I respect women and especially the one who has given birth to me.

I have suffered embaressment all my life in countless number of situations because of her mental illness. These memories have scarred my life.

Because of this neurotic behaviour, my father had disowned her several times but she would make a huge scene in public and embaress him by telling everyone that he was a drunkard and enjoyed sleeping around with women.

The moment my mom came to her senses she would realize her mistake and would beg my dad to come back and forgive her.

Being a family oriented man he would eventually come home for us although he was never at peace.

Every thing would go normal between my parents untill her next fit of rage which would errupt like a volcano without warning.

He tried several times to persue her to take medications and get treatment,but she refused saying that he wanted to prove she was mentally ill and that she would not let him succeed in getting rid of her.

As a child I was beaten up by her a lot because of her mental illness and her sexual frustation when my father stayed away from her.

My mother has become a lot calmer and stable ever since she renounced her sex life at the age of 36 to devote all her energy into relegious purpose.

It was about the same time when my father went away saying he could not put up with her disorder only to return years later to take care of my mother.

However she still remains paranoid and nagging till date.

There have been many instance involving my neurotic mother that have scarred me for life and many unmentionable episodes that can’t be put in words on this forum.

However I would want an outlet to speak out everything which will help my heart become lighter.
Maybe someday some person will understand what I have been through.

Untill then I pray for my paranoid mother whom I love very much inspite of all the things I have been through because of her.
And I hope she comes to senses someday,only to understand how much desperate her son is waiting for companionship in life.

From the sounds of it, your mother is abusive. This is a situation where you’re not required to stay with her as it sounds as if to do so would be detrimental to your mental and physical health.

If she is not able to take care of herself adequately, the best thing to do might be to find a mental health facility where she can live. These are NOT the old “asylums” they had back in the day. Modern institutions have a much better understanding of mental health issues and provide excellent care. They’ll be able to get her counselling and see if they can find some medication that will help her issues. If she can’t afford a long-term facility, a social worker might be able to help you find out if there is funding available. Before you do anything, though, I suggest that you sit down with her doctor and voice your concerns.

 

[Christy_Beth]

From the sounds of it, your mother is abusive. This is a situation where you’re not required to stay with her as it sounds as if to do so would be detrimental to your mental and physical health.

If she is not able to take care of herself adequately, the best thing to do might be to find a mental health facility where she can live. These are NOT the old “asylums” they had back in the day. Modern institutions have a much better understanding of mental health issues and provide excellent care. They’ll be able to get her counselling and see if they can find some medication that will help her issues. If she can’t afford a long-term facility, a social worker might be able to help you find out if there is funding available. Before you do anything, though, I suggest that you sit down with her doctor and voice your concerns.

I have to agree with this. Despite the fact that I am mentally ill myself, I’d hate the thought of me treating my daughter like this. If I ever did, I hope she would put me in a mental health institute/ward. As my child, she needs to be able to live her own life without me ruining it. If you feel your mother is holding you back, and talking to her about this isn’t an option, then move somewhere where you can stay in touch with her but be separate enoough that she can’t hound you. And find a girlfriend and go on with your life. Of course, you will need to mention your mom’s condition at some point, let her know that you can stand on your own. Don’t let your mom’s strangle hold control your life. And, please, get a bit of counseling yourself to make sure you are free of this. You will need support when you pull away from your mom.

 

[sachinbagde]

I’m sorry your mother is such a source of pain for you. Mentally ill abusive parents are well beyond the scope of normal life trials. I’m not sure what to recommend. It sounds like she needs treatment for something, and that you have good reasons to distance yourself from her. You ought to get counseling too, to help sort out all the effects she’s had on you. I don’t know what the possibilities and cultural biases are in India, however. Do you have siblings who could help you with this?

I don’t have any siblings and my father is too old to look after himself and my mother.

The only reason for me to stay back is that they have nobody except me in this world and I don’t want to be the guy who left his old parents to get married.

I know i am in a fix.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I don’t have any siblings and my father is too old to look after himself and my mother.

The only reason for me to stay back is that they have nobody except me in this world and I don’t want to be the guy who left his old parents to get married.

I know i am in a fix.

Even so, you’re not totally alone. I suggest starting by scheduling your mother for a doctor’s appointment for a complete mental and physical work-up. This can help to determine if there are any physical conditions/problems underlying or contributing to her mental issues. After that, you might ask if you can get a referral to a community mental health clinic or a therapist. They might be able to help you figure out how to get support for your mother’s situation. If finances are an issue, a social worker might be able to help you figure out if there is financial support available.

 

[Thorns]

Even so, you’re not totally alone. I suggest starting by scheduling your mother for a doctor’s appointment for a complete mental and physical work-up. This can help to determine if there are any physical conditions/problems underlying or contributing to her mental issues. After that, you might ask if you can get a referral to a community mental health clinic or a therapist. They might be able to help you figure out how to get support for your mother’s situation. If finances are an issue, a social worker might be able to help you figure out if there is financial support available.

He said his mom wont get help and rejects it.

 

[aicirt]

I don’t have any siblings and my father is too old to look after himself and my mother.

The only reason for me to stay back is that they have nobody except me in this world and I don’t want to be the guy who left his old parents to get married.

I know i am in a fix.

Are you assuming he’s old because he’s forty or fifty years older than you? My aunt was 85 and took care of her 52 yr. old daughter dying from cancer, her 102 yr. old mother who lived with her, and JUST before her daughter’s illness, she had her husband, suffering from Alzheimer’s, put in a nursing home because he became violent. She’s still alove 20 years later. The others died.

How old are your parents?

 

[EasterJoy]

Arrange for your father to help you see to her care, but move out. Even if you have to live in a little monk’s cell of a place or share such a place with another bachelor, move out. It is your mother’s mental illness talking when she orders you to stay at home with her, not maternal good sense and care for her son. Even if you never marry, it will help you attend to the damage she has already done to you if you put a stop to it and get yourself some help in coming to terms with it.

I would actually suggest that you leave your mother’s home and live alone for awhile before any serious contemplation of marriage. You undoubtedly have a lot of work to do. For your future wife’s sake and for the sake of your children, get a good start on it before starting your married life. The mentor or person you get as a counsellor can help you decide how to proceed after you have moved out, but I do not see how you will ever have a happy marriage if you don’t. There is no way you can have a happy marriage in the same house with a woman who has delusions against her daughter-in-law and her son’s marriage. Also for the sake of your wife, I’d not put her on the spot as the reason you finally do move out on your own.

Your mother is ill. She can’t help herself. That does not mean that her illness ought to run every life in her immediate circle. If she were in her right mind, she would never want that. (Would you?)

 

[Christy_Beth]

I don’t have any siblings and my father is too old to look after himself and my mother.

The only reason for me to stay back is that they have nobody except me in this world and I don’t want to be the guy who left his old parents to get married.

I know i am in a fix.

Find out if there is any “respite” care available in your area. This would be made up of people who can come in and help when you can’t be there or just need a break. Also, ask about places where you might take your mom if she gets any worse. She could become a threat to herself or someone else. She’s already hurting you with her abuse, don’t let it go on any longer or go any further. You need to be the one to put a stop to it.

 

[Kindness]

As you came to CAF I am assuming you are a practicing Catholic. Have you spoken with a compassionate priest about your situation? Are there Catholic social service organisations you can turn to?

 

[Demetra2]

My advice may not be very popular but here it goes. I am also the daughter of a mentally Ill abusive mother. My mother has bipolar disorder and is schizo affective. Besides that she is extremely dominant…and when I say extremely dominant I mean it. She had me as a single mother and with her I was supposed to do what she said period. She resorted to physical violence to me even after I was over 20 so I can totally relate to what you feel right now because I have been there. You only have two options with your mother: 1-you either allow her to control your life, resign to be a miserable person for the rest of your life and dedicate to please her and submit to her as an slave for the rest of your life; or, 2- you cut the umbilical cord, set boundaries with your mother, lose your fear against her and stand up to her. Those are the only two roads. To me number one was not an option so I went with number 2 and thank God I did.

Do you still live with your mother? If your answer is yes, please…move out! She will get furious and she may make a scandal but you have to stand up to her. You are 29 years old and an adult. There is no reason in the world why she should be controlling you. Unfortunately this is one of the situations where thought love is required. Set boundaries with your mother. You need to make her understand you are an individual human being and she won’t control you. I know is thought because Indian culture. .just like mine…it is expectedthat children will leave with parents until they get married and for them to follow the parents bkindky until they get married. You gotta break that even if the whole community gets mad at you.

I would also recommend you to get some counseling specially before trying any dating or anything similar. There are many psicological issues that come from having an abusive mother and you need to fix them first. Work on your own self. Try to fix your own problem and to break the abuse circle. Again it is very important for you set boundaries with your mother and lose the fear you have with her. In my case I had to set a lot of distance between her and me because she did not want to respect my boundaries. Yes we have to honor our parents but that does not mean you have to allow abuse and to destroy your own life for your parents. First move away, second have a talk with her in which youset up your bboundaries. Third get counseling. If your mother doesn’t respect your boundaries set some distance until she learns that she cannot disrespct you. It is a very thought situation but you don’t have to be miserable for the rest of your life. I will pray for you so god gives you the strength to get out of this situation.

This good advice. You need to be on your own and to establish boundaries for your own mental health. It doesn’t mean that you stop seeing your mother but it does mean that you gain some independence and stop being afraid. Please talk to a counselor and a priest for guidance.

 

[EasterJoy]

This good advice. You need to be on your own and to establish boundaries for your own mental health. It doesn’t mean that you stop seeing your mother but it does mean that you gain some independence and stop being afraid. Please talk to a counselor and a priest for guidance.

Yes. Anything he can do to have a place of his own would be an improvement, no matter how small or humble the lodgings and even if he still spends a great deal of time helping out with his mom. I think if he gets away, he’s going to be astonished at the degree to which this situation was coloring his view of reality.

More to the point, if he wants a wife, he cannot expect her to live with his mentally-ill mother. One might admire a man who shows a lot of care for his mom, but no one in her right mind is going to sign on for a marriage that makes its home in a house run by a woman who does not have all her faculties. If his mother were living with him and he were the man of the house seeing to her care, this would be somewhat different. Although still very difficult, a compassionate woman might consider this a reasonable situation for someone with an ill parent, something she would do herself under similar circumstances. As it is, in her illness this mother is preventing her son from living as an adult.

She is mentally ill, so she is not culpable for the situation. Marriage is for adults, and whether he marries or not, the son needs to start acting like an adult. He absolutely must have control of his own life and his own capacity to give consent and make decisions and stick with in spite of outside pressure before he considers marriage.

 

[sachinbagde]

Are you assuming he’s old because he’s forty or fifty years older than you?

How old are your parents?

My father is 71 and my mother is 51.

 

[EasterJoy]

My father is 71 and my mother is 51.

Your mother is intimidating you and your father in order to avoid the treatment she needs. She needs treatment. If you want to show filial care, you need to do everything you can do in order to see to it that she gets that care. That is going to make her angry, and it may not work. Facilitating what she wants, which is to remain as she is, is not doing her any favors. It is not taking care of her. It is avoiding conflict with her and avoiding the embarrassment and guilty she inflicts on you in order to control you and your father.

Those are not the same thing. It is time that you and your father decide what to do in order to truly take care of her. Take care of her not as she is trying to force you to do, but as a reasonable person with a well-formed conscience would want to be cared for. It would be good for the two of you to seek guidance from wherever you can get it, in order to shoulder this burden together.

While you do that, consider what arrangements you can make in the event that something happens to one or both of you, too. Maybe you won’t have a great plan in terms of an ideal situation, but have a plan that you have made together. That will be a great comfort to whichever of you are left behind, and to whoever is going to be left to care for your mother if both of you are incapable of giving it.