Can't stop lying, need help

[benjammin]

Okay, so I am a compulsive liar. Not about big things, but a lot of little things. Like today, I went to daily mass. My brother asked me where I went, and I said I just went out. Then later today my mom asked me. I told her the truth, but my brother told her what I said to him. now they both think i’m lying.

I hate myself. I try to be a good person, but i’m such a piece of worthless junk. I can’t stop lying. I’ve had this problem since i was a little boy and i’m 23 now. Sometimes I wish I could just literally beat the lying and bad behaviors out of me. Sometimes I even wish my parents would have been better off hitting me when I did things wrong instead of just being nice about it (my mom says she doesn’t want to see me cry, I say who cares. I’d rather bawl my eyes out and learn my lesson instead of just getting some talk). Honestly I hate myself. It’s worse because I try to live as a good catholic and christian, and really i’m just some piece of junk who can’t even tell the truth on little things and breaks relationships. Maybe i’m just some antisocial person who can’t control it now and my punishment is having a ****** life since i’m unemployed and live at home and my dad died at 15 and I can’t stop with the stupid lies.

I’m so angry at myself. Why can’t God just make me stop, or if he can, how can I do it?

 

[1ke]

You need spiritual direction from a holy priest and an assessment by a mental health professional. Please do not delay. Get professional help.

 

[1ke]

I will say, however, that saying you went “out” when you went to Mass is not actually a lie.

But since you mention a long history of compulusive lying, I recommend you get counseling.

 

[mharren]

People who are ‘compulsive liars’ often do so because of a deep-seated lack of confidence or a strong anxiety about ‘thinking before speaking’ because they’ve either gotten in a lot of trouble in the past or been ‘punished’ of what they’ve said in the past. It would depend on the type of lying actually.

For instance if you sometimes lie to portray yourself in state of more grandeur, especially in situations where you’re not likely to be caught, i.e. You tell people you’re actually a fire fighter when your play World of Warcraft or something and tell stories about saving people and about what goes on at the firehouse, then it’s likely you have a belief that people will not find the true you interesting enough. It doesn’t necessarily need to be that drastic, but the example you gave wasn’t very illustrative.

If you lie about ‘little’ things, especially if you tell different people different things, it can be because you want them to view you a certain way that you’ve determined for that particular person is the best way for them to view you. i.e. you’re in college and you roll out of your dorm and go to class in your pajamas and the girl next to you says “Oh wow, have a long night?” and you were up late socializing or fluttering around the internet and you say “Oh yeah, a lot of studying. You know how it is.”

This doesn’t make you a ‘worthless piece of junk’ or a bad person, it just means something is wrong. And it’s necessarily why you have what you feel is a ****** life, but maybe your life circumstances are part of what fuels you to do it.

This kind of behaviour is actually quite common, though rarely confessed to (for obvious reasons) and the trick to beating it is to discover the underlying cause of the persistent behaviour.

If you have access to a Doctor you might consider seeing him or her and requesting a referral to a psychiatrist to rule out any possible psychiatric disorders. ‘compulsive lying’ is a lay term for a symptom of several psychiatric conditions, mostly personality disorders, but at the very least the psychiatrist can rule out the presence of any of these conditions. You could then seek out a professional counselor, this is often dependent on the funds at your disposal and the type of medical insurance you have.

I didn’t see what your location was, but if your Canadian you’re provincial health insurance will cover access to social workers trained in clinical counseling as well as the psychiatrist visit.

If you have some funds or your health insurance covers it you’re very best bet is a Clinical Psychologist (Ph.D/ D.Psy) or a Master of Social Work (M.S.W.) these people are highly trained in behavioral disorders and many of them are very open to spiritual and non-medical approaches such as 'Mindfulness", which is big thing right now in psychological care. They can help you understand where this behaviour could be coming from and how you can work towards stopping it. At the very least they can provide you with a confidential place to talk out your issues and concerns where they are not there to judge you but to help you. I will warn you that more often than not people need to try more than one counselor to find the right fit.

Talking to you’re priest may also help, he may be sufficient to help you with this problem as well as any other problems you feel you’re experiencing.

Regards,

• Mharren

 

[brandymmiller]

Lying, like most sins, can be habit forming. It sounds to me like you’ve gotten into the habit of lying. Does this make you a worthless person? No. Does it make you a person that needs help? Yes. Take the advice that’s been offered and seek some counseling.

God does not care or count the number of times you have fallen. He counts only the number of times you failed to get back up and try again. Keep working on it.

 

[ilySHJ]

Wanting to stop and recognizing the issue are great graces! Give thanks to God and try to find a Catholic counsellor. Big difference in how life issues are approached.

Advice: go cold turkey. Start with your thoughts and being honest with yourself. Every word and every thought need to be starkly and brutally honest.

The only person you’re lying to is yourself. i. e. In the long run, you’re the only one fooled by the lie.

Sadly, I know someone over twice your age who is ruining his life by lying. He’s absolutely miserable.

We’ll all pray for you.

 

[Highwayhound]

Hello,

You described the events of going to mass, but not telling your brother. Later you told your mother more details of what you did while out of the house. You state they think your lying. Did they tell you this or did you assume it?

It would be helpful (if you have time) to describe a typical day of yours. This would give people insight and maybe it would be easier to offer ideas.

I will suggest a few things which worked for me as a young man. You stated that your parents were to easy on you as a boy (correct me if I am wrong). In my case I grew up without a father in the house to offer that firm hand of guidance. So it took me a while to figure things out for myself. One of the best things I ever did was decide to coach youth sports. Every year I played sports (especially baseball) there was always men who volunteered their time to coach my teams. I decided to emmulate them and I became a coach (mostly soccer). For you coaching might not be the ticket, but look for some activity where you use your time for others and at the same time become part of the community.

Is there a volunteer fire department where you live. That might be a venue for you to be part of a larger group. It will also build some confidence in yourself. Besides it sure is fun tearing apart cars with the “Jaws of Life” tool to practice extrication for when we go on real car crash calls. Going to a Burn to Learn is a blast also. This is where a property owner needs a building gone and they let us burn it down while practicing interior attacks.

You are young. Have you ever thought of spending a summer doing the Camino de Santiago, a.k.a. The Way of St. James, pilgrimage walk. So young friends of mine were about your age when they did it. Here is a link to one website:
santiago-compostela.net/

They had a great time and a spiritual time as well.

Need to stay closer to home? How about crossroadswalk.org/
Which is a cross country walk to promote protection of babies in the womb.

Well, those are a few ideas based on things I have done or known other to have done which had positive impacts on our lives.

God bless my friend