Caring for aging or ill parents

  • Thread starter Thread starter angell1
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angell1 said:
not just her, it’s an Asian thing. you would be considered a really bad kid if you put them in a nursing home. because, apparently, people never used to do that in the past
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That’s all well and good. But that doesn’t mean you forego independence for yourself. You can move out, build a career and step up when they need you.
 
Lou2U said:
Right, but they are manipulating you with this. I’ve read several of your other threads, and your parents are trying to emotionally manipulate you.

If you are able to, you can consider looking after your parents. However, if they are going to manipulate you, your own health is going to suffer, and you can’t look after others without looking after yourself first.

Yes, your parents looked after you. But no, it does not mean you are obligated to keep them out of a nursing home.** In some situations, a nursing home is better because there is care from trained people all the time. **You were not born so you can look after your parents. In some cases, you need to put yourself first. Do not feel as though you have to do this because you do not. Do not feel as though you are a failure if you do not help them, because you are not. You are your own person, not just an extension of your parents.

Lou
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Yes.

My husband’s grandmother has Alzheimer’s disease. She lived at home for a long time but it became dangerous, as she would forget to eat or would eat things that weren’t safe (either food that had gone bad or non-food), or would forget her medications (or take too many), or wander off. My MIL was spending several hours a day with her but that wasn’t enough. She’s now in a very good facility where MIL knows her mom is getting fed, getting her meds, can’t escape, etc. She still visits everyday, but now she can just be with her mother, rather than endlessly worry about what troubles went on while she wasn’t there.
 
pianistclare said:
That’s all well and good. But that doesn’t mean you forego independence for yourself. You can move out, build a career and step up when they need you.
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Right.

If you don’t have a real career and real income and few real-world friendships and connections, you will have very, very little to offer them when they actually need help.

Also, this talk of aging and ill parents is probably premature. I’m 40 and my grandpa and grandpa are 94 and 90 and they live by themselves in their own house and do just fine so far. There have been a few episodes when they needed extra help, but they definitely don’t need it all the time. In fact, to this day, my grandma makes my auntie a nice late lunch/dinner because auntie works in town and has a weird schedule. My grandpa’s mom was also able to live by herself until around 90.

Bear in mind that on average, Asians live longer and have better health than the average American, and this is definitely premature (unless there are some major health issues that I’ve missed).

Another issue is that helping frail elderly relatives requires cooperation from the frail elderly relatives (or at least proving them incompetent and getting control over their affairs). In your parents’ case, would it be actual help, or would it just be giving your mom the opportunity to boss you around? You’re eventually going to have to think about what they need, as opposed to what they want.
 
Xantippe said:
Right.

**If you don’t have a real career and real income and few real-world friendships and connections, you will have very, very little to offer them when they actually need help. **

Also, this talk of aging and ill parents is probably premature. I’m 40 and my grandpa and grandpa are 94 and 90 and they live by themselves in their own house and do just fine so far. There have been a few episodes when they needed extra help, but they definitely don’t need it all the time. In fact, to this day, my grandma makes my auntie a nice late lunch/dinner because auntie works in town and has a weird schedule. My grandpa’s mom was also able to live by herself until around 90.

Bear in mind that on average, Asians live longer and have better health than the average American, and this is definitely premature (unless there are some major health issues that I’ve missed).

Another issue is that helping frail elderly relatives requires cooperation from the frail elderly relatives (or at least proving them incompetent and getting control over their affairs). In your parents’ case, would it be actual help, or would it just be giving your mom the opportunity to boss you around? You’re eventually going to have to think about what they need, as opposed to what they want.
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That’s just it.

How do they expect you to care for them if you don’t even have a home to offer them? Or money with which to buy food to put on the table, or gas to drive them to doctors’ appointments, and so on?
 
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