Caring for alzheimer/dementia parent

[z_0101]

Mom has been confirmed with early onset alzheimer/dementia
Prayer Intentions: Mother diagnosed with early Alhimerzes

As this progresses, there are going to be times where we’re going to have to “re-direct” and even out-right lie to her about situations in order to keep her calm and from harming herself as this progresses.

How do I take lying to my Mom to the confessional?
I know and understand that lying is a sin, and yet, if I did so to keep her from harm, I feel no remorse, and I would/will most likely do so again without hesitation. While she’s alive, her health and safety are of the same importance as my wife’s and my children and I would do just about anything to protect them in these regards within what I understand the bounds of morals and ethics to be; however, the paradigm I have used has applied to rational people. Now I have to deal with the irrational and the paradigm no longer holds true.

I’m mostly thru the crying, the remaining phases of grief are useless, so I’m to the “lets deal with this phase”, working with Mom on contacting the lawyer to get assets protected and trying to convince her that she’ll be better of living closer to us than where she is now, etc… just stuck here on this point in my faith.

 

[Trishie]

I’m sad for you that you are losing your mother in this cruel way and that she is losing herself, at least as far as our temporal life is concerned.

You are not ‘lying’ to maliciously deceive, nor with intentions against charity

2484 The gravity of a lie is measured against the nature of the truth it deforms, the circumstances, the intentions of the one who lies, and the harm suffered by its victims.

catholic.com/quickquestions/is-lying-a-sin-if-done-to-protect-someone-from-death

Please know I’ will be joining those praying for your mother, your family and you in this cruel and sad journey of your mother’s
With love,

Trishie

 

[z_0101]

Thank You Trishie for the link and prayers. The information therein helps to confirm what I had already read in the CCC. In RCIA we’ve used the analogy given there quite often.

The sticking point to me is:

The good and safety of others, respect for privacy, and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language. … No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it. (CCC 2488–2489)

So, her condition, necessitating a some sort of mis-direction, could mitigate against culpability should we inadvertently cross the line to lying - none-the-less it’s lying. To me the sticking point is that “does not have the right to know.” If she was of rational thought, she might certainly have the right to know, and yet does that change with the loss of reason/rational thought?

OK, time for Santa to come — speaking of telling of tails to be told to 2 year olds … why this story doesn’t bother me and the other does Degree of harm?

 

[Exiled_Child]

I’m sorry to hear about your mom, it’s terribly sad. I love my mother more than anyone else in the world, and I would just be beside myself with grief if we were in your position. Losing one’s mom is the Big One, so my heart really goes out to you. Forgive me though, because I have very little experience with Alzheimer’s Disease. Why would you need to lie to her? Is there some sort of hypothetical situation which I’m not seeing? I think if it were me I would be as gentle and honest as possible, and just frequently tell her how much I love her. That would make you feel far happier and better about yourself, of course, and it also seems like it would dissolve her paranoia and fear, which I’m only guessing is an aspect of the disease. If she ever senses that your lying to her it might really spiral out of control, and leave her frightened and confused. But if it’s necessary for her safety and well-being, then you definitely shouldn’t feel bad for it. I just don’t understand why that would ever be necessary, is all. But morally, I think doing the wrong thing for the right reason is thoroughly noble, and nothing to feel guilty about.

That thing about Santa Claus was funny. I guess the difference is that you’re filling your kids with a sense wonder, which will be a happy memory for them to keep all their lives.

 

[z_0101]

I’m sorry to hear about your mom, it’s terribly sad. I love my mother more than anyone else in the world, and I would just be beside myself with grief if we were in your position. Losing one’s mom is the Big One, so my heart really goes out to you. Forgive me though, because I have very little experience with Alzheimer’s Disease. Why would you need to lie to her? Is there some sort of hypothetical situation which I’m not seeing? I think if it were me I would be as gentle and honest as possible, and just frequently tell her how much I love her. That would make you feel far happier and better about yourself, of course, ***and it also seems like it would dissolve her paranoia and fear, ***which I’m only guessing is an aspect of the disease. If she ever senses that your lying to her it might really spiral out of control, and leave her frightened and confused. But if it’s necessary for her safety and well-being, then you definitely shouldn’t feel bad for it. I just don’t understand why that would ever be necessary, is all. But morally, I think doing the wrong thing for the right reason is thoroughly noble, and nothing to feel guilty about.

That thing about Santa Claus was funny. I guess the difference is that you’re filling your kids with a sense wonder, which will be a happy memory for them to keep all their lives.

As highlighted above…
I’m still reading on this and will have a lot to learn in the upcoming months and years.
Appears that the brain, in order to make sense of the world, attempts to fit the new and current with the old and known. When these don’t fit, then the panic can set in. Hopefully one can redirect from the panic and talk the patient into another activity or convince them that they are OK and where they should be at because they are visiting or what have you. I’ve only read thru about 30ish articles and prescribed courses of treatment… had to stop, needed to go to Mass. My oldest was the Narrator for the Nativity and sang in the children’s choir… I think these are the things I hope Mom gets to see before things progress too far.

Thank you for your prayers and advise. Feels like I’m grasping at the wind right now.

As for Santa… St. Nick gave away the coins etc… just following in his footsteps.
BTW: Filling the shoes with trinkets/coins on his feast day is a tradition we started when we converted. Neat idea and a good place to teach about the saints!

 

[JRKH]

Thank You Trishie for the link and prayers. The information therein helps to confirm what I had already read in the CCC. In RCIA we’ve used the analogy given there quite often.

The sticking point to me is:

The good and safety of others, respect for privacy, and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language. … No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it. (CCC 2488–2489)

So, her condition, necessitating a some sort of mis-direction, could mitigate against culpability should we inadvertently cross the line to lying - none-the-less it’s lying. To me the sticking point is that “does not have the right to know.” If she was of rational thought, she might certainly have the right to know, and yet does that change with the loss of reason/rational thought?

OK, time for Santa to come — speaking of telling of tails to be told to 2 year olds … why this story doesn’t bother me and the other does Degree of harm?

God be with you. I just finished this journey with my dear wife a little over a year ago. I was her primary caregiver to the day she went home to Jesus so I’ve seen a lot…and dealt with a lot of this…Feel free to PM me if you like…

If I may correct one word in the above, it would be to change the word “mis-direction” “re-direction”.
Consider - Misdirection carries the connotation that one is being directed wrongly. Redirection simply means to change one’s course.

I very wise person, who ran the adult day care in our community, once said something that I thought was wonderful. She said, “We meet them where they are”. Think on this a bit. If we meet them where they are, and we work with them in that frame, are we really lying? Are we not rather speaking to them in a way that they can (at that moment) understand? Are we not giving them what they truly need?

In the end, I think that the only way you will truly be able to make peace with this is to experience it. It would be good to run this by your confessor just to have his reassurance and so he knows what is going on.

One other thing…Use Humor - and keep humor in your life. It is something that will truly help you get through this.
Some years ago I was on an Alzheimer’s support board and - just for a lark - I asked for suggestions of “Things I’ve learned living with my ADLO” (Alzheimer’s Diseased Loved One). I got over 300 replies.
I distilled it out and got a pretty interesting list. Look in my post below…
Of course each person is unique…but I think the list will give you some insight… and perhaps a chuckle.

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

THINGS I’VE LEARNED LIVING WITH MY ADLO
**
Basic Realities**
The ADLO makes the rules
In event of conflict see rule number one.
Just because they have AD does NOT mean they are dumb!
Just because you think they are in bed, they may just be waiting for YOU to go to bed
You can usually count on them to remember anything that you would like them to forget.
The ADLO’s reality IS the true reality. We’re the ones having the problem.
AD is contagious – You get it from your ADLO
ADLO’s have two speeds. When you are helping or need to be somewhere they move in slow speed. If you turn your back on them they move at warp speed away from you.
UTI’S happen
ADLO’s know all the best hiding places
Each day they get younger, while we caregivers grow older
A good washing machine/dryer is worth more than the Hope Diamond!
Therapeutic lying will become second nature to you…and you will be proud when you come up with a good one.
LAUGHTER really is the best medicine.
Doctors don’t always know what is best
A smile can provide more security than spoken words.
Memories aren’t important. it’s the time you spend making them…and the one’s you make them with…that matter
Never try to REASONwith an ADLO, their REASONERis broken
They will trip and fall down, no matter how careful everyone is
Unconditional Love is just that unconditional…

Things they will do and say
Laundry folded and stacked neatly does NOT mean it was actually washed.
Just because they don’t know your name, doesn’t mean they won’t remember where the chocolate is
AD means you no longer need to mind your manners. You are able to now pick and scratch in public.
We’re wrong! We never bothered to tell them that we…!
Paper napkins are a universal tool. They may be used to wipe your nose, clean the table, wipe the floor and the mouth and hands. (in that order)
What do you mean I’m your mother…since when?
He’s your son? How long has he been your son? Does he have a father?
“why am I taking this pill?” It’s for your memory…“Oh, yeah I forgot!”
The Thermometer must be checked every 2.5 minutes so that the reading can be announced to all within earshot.
Thermometer readings will always have changed from the last reading. Never mind that the last reading was 2.5 minutes ago
Wandering from room to room declaring that the item is missing constitutes “searching high and low”.
If it’s in a tube it’s for your hair and skin.
If it’s in a spray bottle, it’s for your armpits
No matter what is missing the damn cat stole it!

Kitchen – Eating etc
The place They ALWAYS keep the pots is not necessarily the same place they just got them out of.
A maximum of 2 dirty dishes must be washed immediately in a full sink of soapy water
Don’t jump to conclusions…just because they didn’t put milk in their oatmeal, doesn’t mean they forgot…maybe they like it that way…
Any food can be finger food (soup, grits, cream of wheat, oatmeal, choc. pudding)
Ice cream RULES!!!
Chocolate Pudding is a perfectly acceptable dipping sauce for Fish Sticks!!
Just because I blow my nose with a napkin dosn’t mean I cant clean the table off with the same napkin

Bathroom
Water is the devil
Just because they are having a good day doesn’t mean they won’t use the toothpaste as a moisturizer later
Toothpaste can be used as a substitute behind the ears for perfume. Toothpaste can also be used as facial makeup and skin lotion for dry legs.
“Depends” and “Flush” should never be used in the same sentence
Never, never, never go to the bathroom at night barefooted

Be prepared to change the bed sheets everyday!
It’s poop, not toxic waste
There is nothing wrong with polishing your fingernails while you’re on the toilet having a “BM”, in the middle of the night, with the dog on your lap.
ALWAYS have plunger within easy grasp!!!
If toilet paper is to work, it must be used in bunches larger than the hole at the bottom of the toilet
Shower curtains are used to hide the many visitors who are trying to peep on you. Therefore, the shower curtain must be pulled back
Never underestimate their abilities to fool you. Just because the water is running in the shower does not mean they are actually IN the shower.
A wash cloth works better than toilet tissue after u use the potty…GROSS

Dress
Putting on a shirt backwards and wearing it is a sense of accomplishment and is a good thing.
Just because there are 6 inches of snow doesn’t mean you have to wear your boots!
The “layered look” is IN!!
The colder the weather, the lighter the clothing - and vice versa
Sweaters are much more attractive when worn underneath turtlenecks.
Native Americans don’t have right and left footwear; ADLOs don’t, either.
Geriatric Troll Doll hair is the latest trend.
When undressing they will get halfway there, forget and start dressing again

 

[JRKH]

The post above is a distilled list.

I hope that it shows two things to whoever reads it.

1. How important a sense of humor is on this journey and
2. What Caregivers have to go through on a daily basis to care for a loved one.

Bottom line though is this…you are embarking on a long and difficult journey. There is no right or wrong way to do this so long as Love remains at it’s core.
It can be the most amazing spiritual journey as well. You will learn much about love, patience, forbearance and humility.

May peace be with your and your family this Christmas and always.
Give your mom a hug from me - and from all caregivers who are missing their loved one this blessed day.

Peace
James

 

[Trishie]

James you’re a treasure. I bookmarked your posts for future reference, and will share them with my sister whose parish work includes support for families with loved ones who struggle with this challenge.

A blessed Christmas, to you and your family z_0101
Kind wishes and prayers,
Trishie

 

[TARRAT]

Not so sure you will have to lie to her. I’ve been there and done that. If you are afraid she will be angry about something, not to worry, she will soon forget. She will probably forget who said what. It is the short term memory that seems to go first. You may have to be brutally honest at times but rest assured that all of that is for her good as well as yours.

It will be difficult but keep the faith and rest assured you haven’t lost your mother she is right there in front of you.

May God continue to bless you and her.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I would also like to point out that you will probably become good at stretching the truth in such a way that they aren’t lies, but aren’t disturbing. For example, I used to work in a nursing home. There was one little old woman who was caught up in her childhood. When we spoke, she might tell me she was waiting for her father to come pick her up. She was beyond the point of being pointed to reality, and telling her that she was 102 and her father was dead would only cause her a lot of unnecessary stress either by making her terribly sad, or by causing her to angrily argue the point. So I would tell her that she is supposed to be here with us right now, and that her father knows that she is here and that we are taking care of her. This is true - it could be that her father is in heaven and has been given this knowledge, and it is defintely true that God her Heavenly Father, knows all of this. Often that would satisfy her, but if she expressed further concern about her father picking her up, I’d tell her that he would come when it was time for him to pick her up. Also technically true. Definitely not pointing to reality, but providing the feeling of comfort that this woman was looking for. The truth is that she was expressing her anxiety by asking about her father, so if you think about it, speaking this way to her was actually answering the REAL question she was asking - “is it ok? am I taken care of? I’m scared and uncertain…”

So my point is, you look at what the feeling is beneath the details of whatever your mom is talking about, and address that feeling. Often you’ll be able to do it in such a way that you don’t even have to technically lie. I should say, you don’t ALWAYS need to go along with the confusion - especially in the earlier stages, there will be times when it is more appropriate to redirect her to the truth of the situation, to help her stay oriented, and when it won’t be that upsetting to do so.

Prayers for her and for you.

 

[Anne1964]

THINGS I’VE LEARNED LIVING WITH MY ADLO
**
Basic Realities**
The ADLO makes the rules
In event of conflict see rule number one.
Just because they have AD does NOT mean they are dumb!
Just because you think they are in bed, they may just be waiting for YOU to go to bed
You can usually count on them to remember anything that you would like them to forget.
The ADLO’s reality IS the true reality. We’re the ones having the problem.
AD is contagious – You get it from your ADLO
ADLO’s have two speeds. When you are helping or need to be somewhere they move in slow speed. If you turn your back on them they move at warp speed away from you.
UTI’S happen
ADLO’s know all the best hiding places
Each day they get younger, while we caregivers grow older
A good washing machine/dryer is worth more than the Hope Diamond!
Therapeutic lying will become second nature to you…and you will be proud when you come up with a good one.
LAUGHTER really is the best medicine.
Doctors don’t always know what is best
A smile can provide more security than spoken words.
Memories aren’t important. it’s the time you spend making them…and the one’s you make them with…that matter
Never try to REASONwith an ADLO, their REASONERis broken
They will trip and fall down, no matter how careful everyone is
Unconditional Love is just that unconditional…

Things they will do and say
Laundry folded and stacked neatly does NOT mean it was actually washed.
Just because they don’t know your name, doesn’t mean they won’t remember where the chocolate is
AD means you no longer need to mind your manners. You are able to now pick and scratch in public.
We’re wrong! We never bothered to tell them that we…!
Paper napkins are a universal tool. They may be used to wipe your nose, clean the table, wipe the floor and the mouth and hands. (in that order)
What do you mean I’m your mother…since when?
He’s your son? How long has he been your son? Does he have a father?
“why am I taking this pill?” It’s for your memory…“Oh, yeah I forgot!”
The Thermometer must be checked every 2.5 minutes so that the reading can be announced to all within earshot.
Thermometer readings will always have changed from the last reading. Never mind that the last reading was 2.5 minutes ago
Wandering from room to room declaring that the item is missing constitutes “searching high and low”.
If it’s in a tube it’s for your hair and skin.
If it’s in a spray bottle, it’s for your armpits
No matter what is missing the damn cat stole it!

Kitchen – Eating etc
The place They ALWAYS keep the pots is not necessarily the same place they just got them out of.
A maximum of 2 dirty dishes must be washed immediately in a full sink of soapy water
Don’t jump to conclusions…just because they didn’t put milk in their oatmeal, doesn’t mean they forgot…maybe they like it that way…
Any food can be finger food (soup, grits, cream of wheat, oatmeal, choc. pudding)
Ice cream RULES!!!
Chocolate Pudding is a perfectly acceptable dipping sauce for Fish Sticks!!
Just because I blow my nose with a napkin dosn’t mean I cant clean the table off with the same napkin

Bathroom
Water is the devil
Just because they are having a good day doesn’t mean they won’t use the toothpaste as a moisturizer later
Toothpaste can be used as a substitute behind the ears for perfume. Toothpaste can also be used as facial makeup and skin lotion for dry legs.
“Depends” and “Flush” should never be used in the same sentence
Never, never, never go to the bathroom at night barefooted

Be prepared to change the bed sheets everyday!
It’s poop, not toxic waste
There is nothing wrong with polishing your fingernails while you’re on the toilet having a “BM”, in the middle of the night, with the dog on your lap.
ALWAYS have plunger within easy grasp!!!
If toilet paper is to work, it must be used in bunches larger than the hole at the bottom of the toilet
Shower curtains are used to hide the many visitors who are trying to peep on you. Therefore, the shower curtain must be pulled back
Never underestimate their abilities to fool you. Just because the water is running in the shower does not mean they are actually IN the shower.
A wash cloth works better than toilet tissue after u use the potty…GROSS

Dress
Putting on a shirt backwards and wearing it is a sense of accomplishment and is a good thing.
Just because there are 6 inches of snow doesn’t mean you have to wear your boots!
The “layered look” is IN!!
The colder the weather, the lighter the clothing - and vice versa
Sweaters are much more attractive when worn underneath turtlenecks.
Native Americans don’t have right and left footwear; ADLOs don’t, either.
Geriatric Troll Doll hair is the latest trend.
When undressing they will get halfway there, forget and start dressing again

 

[Anne1964]

Let’s try my post again.

I saw your post and I had to comment. It is plain that you have lots of experience with this situation. I moved my 89 year old mother in to live with me a year ago and have experienced many of the things you listed.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED LIVING WITH MY ADLO
**

A good washing machine/dryer is worth more than the Hope Diamond!
*Yes, I use my washing machine every other day and am amazed it hasn’t broken yet.

---

Never try to REASONwith an ADLO, their REASONERis broken
*Oh yes, I can almost see the wheels trying to turn in my mother’s head when I try to explain something to her and she just doesn’t understand anymore.

*They will trip and fall down, no matter how careful everyone is
Sigh. Yes, my mother has fallen three times in the past year, once when I was standing right beside her specifically to prevent her from falling. It happened so fast I didn’t have time to react. One instant she was standing and the next she was face down on the floor and I was shocked.

Kitchen – Eating etc
Ice cream RULES!!!
Snickers Ice Cream bars to the tune of 3 per day

Bathroom
Water is the devil
*She HATES taking a bath and I have to be firm and tell her that tonight is bath night
*
Never, never, never go to the bathroom at night barefooted
*Definitely not. After you have done this once, you won’t forget again.
*
It’s poop, not toxic waste
*But it may smell like toxic waste. Learn to breath through your mouth
*
Dress
Native Americans don’t have right and left footwear; ADLOs don’t, either.
Several times I have been so tired that I have put her shoes on the wrong feet and she has pointed out that to me!

Geriatric Troll Doll hair is the latest trend.
I laughed out loud when I read this as that is exactly what my mother’s hair looks like. How did you know?

Advice for the original poster: I am so sorry to learn of your mother’s diagnosis.
When my mother first came to live with me I went into my bedroom every night for the first week and cried because I didn’t think I could take care of her. She needs so much from me. However, with time and much prayer I have adjusted and I am happy that she is with me for whatever time she has left. Taking care of her is certainly an adventure and every day is different.

I haven’t lied to her about anything but I re-direct our conversations often. Her attention span is very short so if she gets on a topic that is likely to upset her, or me, I just change the subject and that works.

My mother lives in the present moment and in the past. The future is frightening to her because she can’t remember. I never tell her about things like doctor appointments until the day of the appointment. If you tell her something in advance she becomes stressed about it and asks over and over when the appointment is and who is taking her and how she will get there. Much easier to to skip all of that.

One thing that surprised me is my mother can no longer read a calendar. I have a whiteboard where I record the day, date and year, along with where I will be (home or work), who the caregiver of the day is, and any appointments. That works for now because she can still read.

Be prepared to have the same conversation over and over and over. Each time it is brand new territory for my mother. She will often ask me the same question 5 times in 10 minutes.

Develop patience, practice patience, pray for patience.

 

[EasterJoy]

I found that I had to “outright lie” to my mom very rarely, if at all. For instance, if she wanted to get in touch with someone who had been dead for 30 years, obviously it would be cruel to tell her that they’re dead when she’s already been told and every time she hears it she has to deal with the shock, grief, and disbelief as if she is hearing it the first time. To say, “She isn’t near a phone right now” or “surely if she needed a ride, someone would have let us know, and no one has” is also true and yet less upsetting. All she “needed to know” was that her loved one was safe and could not be reached at the moment. That is a way of being truthful that also met her needs with compassion.

What if she wants to drive? You say, “I’m sorry, but the doctor says it will not be safe for you to drive. If you do, you’ll get a ticket. It has to be very frustrating for you, of course it would be frustrating for anyone, but we cannot do anything about it today.” Notice that if you say “today,” you have not lied, but made it in to something your loved one has to deal with for just one day. Also notice that you have acknowledged that not being able to drive is a bummer. You haven’t treated her like a 2 year old making an unreasonable demand. She is not a two-year-old, and she knows it.

I think the most helpful thing is to use the Golden Rule. How would you want your son or daughter to talk to you, under the same circumstances? I always found it helpful to think of my mom in her dementia as being in that state of mind you’re in when you’re dreaming. You know, you’re doing things that on some level you may know you can’t do, and yet it all makes sense? When you try things and they won’t work, it is very frustrating, because in the moment the goals seem so important. Consider it your job to help see her through her “bad dream.” You don’t want to lie, if you can help it, but of course it is just as likely that you’ll tell the absolute truth and she’ll be convinced you’re lying. What is important is not whether you technically stick to the facts when you talk to her, because she essentially in a dream state in which knowing the physical facts is irrelevant, but whether what you say and do is helping her cope with a difficult neurological disorder or making it harder.

Ask yourself this: Which is better, to talk to someone in ways that are fanciful in order to help them cope with their problem, or to talk in ways that avoid all fancy in order to keep your “conscience” clear or make life easier for yourself at her expense? Put yourself in her place, be honest, and I think you’ll do OK by her.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would also like to point out that you will probably become good at stretching the truth in such a way that they aren’t lies, but aren’t disturbing. For example, I used to work in a nursing home. There was one little old woman who was caught up in her childhood. When we spoke, she might tell me she was waiting for her father to come pick her up. She was beyond the point of being pointed to reality, and telling her that she was 102 and her father was dead would only cause her a lot of unnecessary stress either by making her terribly sad, or by causing her to angrily argue the point. So I would tell her that she is supposed to be here with us right now, and that her father knows that she is here and that we are taking care of her. This is true - it could be that her father is in heaven and has been given this knowledge, and it is defintely true that God her Heavenly Father, knows all of this. Often that would satisfy her, but if she expressed further concern about her father picking her up, I’d tell her that he would come when it was time for him to pick her up. Also technically true. Definitely not pointing to reality, but providing the feeling of comfort that this woman was looking for. The truth is that she was expressing her anxiety by asking about her father, so if you think about it, speaking this way to her was actually answering the REAL question she was asking - "is it ok? am I taken care of? I’m scared and uncertain…"

So my point is, you look at what the feeling is beneath the details of whatever your mom is talking about,** and address that feeling**. Often you’ll be able to do it in such a way that you don’t even have to technically lie. I should say, you don’t ALWAYS need to go along with the confusion - especially in the earlier stages, there will be times when it is more appropriate to redirect her to the truth of the situation, to help her stay oriented, and when it won’t be that upsetting to do so.

Prayers for her and for you.

These are good examples of meeting the dementia patients needs, rather than observing the “letter of the law” by being unnecessarily blunt about the facts. The part I put into bold type really hits the nail on the head.

 

[3rday]

My dad had alzheimer/dementia disease and in his case I don’t remember having to
lie to him. It is terrible, but after it was all over I began to see that in his case anyway
it was like a bridge between life and death, or from this life to the next. For him
it seemed like a mercy which removed the pain of the final days from his life. One time
my mom called me and asked me to take him to the dentist, and I did. When they had him sit at the dentist’s chair he resisted at first and I helped restrain him and he asked me why, and I told him it was something that needed to be done for his own good. Did he understand this? Probably not, but he seemed to accept it and they removed his tooth and they did not have to give him any anesthesia, because the alzheimer disease is an anesthesia itself.

He was very old when he got this illness, maybe 83, and a couple years older when he died but I still love him and his memory and hope to see him again in Heaven.

 

[DaveBj]

My wife is heading in that direction. This is a very useful thread, especially the “THINGS I’VE LEARNED LIVING WITH MY ADLO” post.

I am less concerned about lying than I am about losing my patience and my temper. I don’t want to become what my brother-in-law became while he was dealing with his mother.

 

[JRKH]

My wife is heading in that direction. This is a very useful thread, especially the “THINGS I’VE LEARNED LIVING WITH MY ADLO” post.

I am less concerned about lying than I am about losing my patience and my temper. I don’t want to become what my brother-in-law became while he was dealing with his mother.

Yes - this is a worry - and believe me it WILL happen.
I too cared for my wife and I think for a spouse it’s this thing of just not being able to share things that we had always shared before…When they begin to journey “into the mist” we just aren’t ready for it and we become frustrated at times.
And believe me, answering the same question for the umpteenth time in 15 minutes DOES get frustrating. :banghead:
(This is why I emphasize the importance of humor in this)

On the other hand, if one is open to it and trusts in God, and in their Love for the other person, one can learn more about true love, patience, forbearance and grace through this journey than in any other way that I know of.

Peace
James

P.S. Glad the list is a help to you. It was a great help to me.

 

[z_0101]

Thank everyone for your support and understanding!
This is certainly a different take upon the communication style than the working papers would have had me believe.

Basically, at some point, I need to start communications with her as an adult, then a teenager, and finally as I do my two year old. I never lie to them, just try to meet them at their point of maturity and understanding each day.

As for humor, don’t know how we got to the topic; however at some point we had her as becoming part of the “Zombie Apocalypse.” GIVE ME ICECREAM… ARRRGH so she hasn’t lost her sense of humor yet! She told me about Grnd.Pa. in the nursing home towards the last stages; Lunch was such an ingrained regiment that he would stop whatever task he was doing, go to his room to get his coat and hat and go sit on the bench in the front lobby. For the longest time someone from the Masonic Lodge would come and take him for Lunch; however, he out lived the old members, the cousins forgot… so one of the nurses would go get him, drive him around the block to the back side of the building and they’d go into the “restaurant” and then they’d go back out and drive around the block to the front and walk him back in. Those nurses were angels. One afternoon for supper they were doing head count and G.Pa wasn’t there… of course you can imagine what happened. Seemed that around the time they would have taken GP for his ride, there was an emergency… long story short, they forgot – the apologies and the tears from those nurses, broke my heart how badly they felt.
They found him, sitting on the bench, hat on head, cane in hand, he had passed away napping while he waited to go to lunch - a smile on his face.
I’ve always hoped that our Lord came by and picked him up that afternoon.

 

[JRKH]

I’ve mentioned humor in my previous posts and how important it is in caring for our ADLOs.
Just to share one little way that my wife and I incorporated it.
My wife was a RN who specialized in acute care psychiatric - plus her dad also had Alzheimer’s. So when her memory issues started showing up we got her diagnosed pretty quickly (hoping it was something else - treatable).

Anyway - She was diagnosed early and she was able to pretty well comprehend at that time. Of course the memory issues continued, things would get lost etc. We didn’t blame it on her…It was Al. It was Al Zeimer. He kept hiding things and moving things around and such. Whatever the issue was, it was Al’s fault.

Not only did we get a chuckle out of it but so did our friends. It helped us all to keep things in perspective. The things that were happening were the disease, not the person we loved.

Little things like that can be a great help.

Peace
James