Casual dating or exclusive relationship?

[redwatch]

Lucky: My spiritual director didn’t really have much to say. He seemed a little surprised when I told him that I’m taking a break from this guy to let him sort himself out. He made some noncommittal sounds and then said, “He knows what he wants, he just doesn’t know who he wants it with.”

But the more I’ve been thinking about it today, it seems like it’s the same thing that happened last time. He wants to get married and have a huge epic family like the one he was raised in. Right around when we broke up last time, his younger brother was preparing to get married, and he felt like there was a lot of pressure on him to propose to me even though neither of us were ready for it (he said this when we were talking about giving things another shot). So he spiraled, trying to reconcile the fact that he wasn’t ready to propose with the thought that he should be. Now that younger brother has a baby on the way, and two more of his close friends are about to get married, and he’s spiraling again.

 

[Lucky7]

Lucky: My spiritual director didn’t really have much to say. He seemed a little surprised when I told him that I’m taking a break from this guy to let him sort himself out. He made some noncommittal sounds and then said, "He knows what he wants, he just doesn’t know who he wants it with."
But the more I’ve been thinking about it today, it seems like it’s the same thing that happened last time. He wants to get married and have a huge epic family like the one he was raised in. Right around when we broke up last time, his younger brother was preparing to get married, and he felt like there was a lot of pressure on him to propose to me even though neither of us were ready for it (he said this when we were talking about giving things another shot). So he spiraled, trying to reconcile the fact that he wasn’t ready to propose with the thought that he should be. Now that younger brother has a baby on the way, and two more of his close friends are about to get married, and he’s spiraling again.

OK, well the bolded at least explains why he suggested that the two of you continue dating for a longer period of time to ascertain if you are the one/he is the one.

If he is that unsure, however, then I think you are doing the right thing. He is just not ready. Move on. Date others. Perhaps years down the road when he’s matured, you guys will be a better fit, but at this point I would try your best to forget him and move on.

Take care…I know God has someone better out there for you!

 

[ValPal]

You might not like my advice, but IMHO there is a major problem here. It’s one thing to go out on dates with someone that you don’t know that well and not be exclusive, as long as that is known up front. However, you two have known each other a long time and have dated before. The fact that one of the parties still doesn’t want exclusivity is a major red flag. If I was in that situation, I would simply move one.

I speak from experience on this one. I married the person who I dated for years and brought up this issue years into our relationship. I ended up marrying her anyway, and now she’s known as my ex-wife. Proceed with great caution.

 

[chevalier]

The selfish part of my brain: I just feel like he broke my trust by coming back and asking for another chance, then not really trying to make it work and putting me in the position of having to do most of the work. I’m also upset at the lack of respect that he’s shown me. And I’m upset because I can see how well we could work together if we could just figure out a way to get past the fear and the trust issues, but I’m afraid it’s too broken.

I’m not sure “too broken” actually exists in an objective sense. It more has to do with depleting people’s will to go on. Where there’s a will, there tends to be a way. But you can’t do all the work on your own and there needs to be a mutual agreement.

The better, less selfish part of my brain: I can tell he’s unhappy, and that makes me hurt a lot for him; he’s a worrier, and puts a lot of thought into comparing how he thinks he should be feeling with how he is instead of just being, and then he sort of turns inward, tries to deal with it on his own, shuts me out and obsesses over it. Then he falls into a vicious cycle of getting insecure and worried, then compensating with projecting confidence to the point of arrogance, which just makes him feel worse about himself because he knows its one of his tendencies/vices. Selfishness is one of his defense mechanisms. I’ve seen him like this before, and I’ve also seen him so, so happy and joyful and genuinely confident, and I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to help, except by walking away and letting him deal with it himself.

You aren’t a professional in providing counselling or psychological or psychiatric assistance. Some things are beyond the limits of our knowledge or ability.

As for how he feels, even people’s “feelings” for each other aren’t about having a certain type of pulsation always present in your system. The mystery tends to wane, the intellectual stimulation lessens, emotional needs take a different shape over time (from attraction to attachment). One really can’t and shouldn’t expect a buzz to be there all the time. On the other hand, there’s no point forcing oneself into a relationship.

 

[redwatch]

I’m not sure “too broken” actually exists in an objective sense. It more has to do with depleting people’s will to go on. Where there’s a will, there tends to be a way. But you can’t do all the work on your own and there needs to be a mutual agreement.

I agree–that’s a huge part of why I’ve walked away at least temporarily, maybe permanently. I’m willing to put in the effort, but at this point only if he is as well.

You aren’t a professional in providing counselling or psychological or psychiatric assistance. Some things are beyond the limits of our knowledge or ability.

As for how he feels, even people’s “feelings” for each other aren’t about having a certain type of pulsation always present in your system. The mystery tends to wane, the intellectual stimulation lessens, emotional needs take a different shape over time (from attraction to attachment). One really can’t and shouldn’t expect a buzz to be there all the time. On the other hand, there’s no point forcing oneself into a relationship.

I know I’m not a professional–I just know him and his thought processes really well, and I want so badly to be able to help . I think I’m starting to realize that it’s just something that he needs to take the time to work through on his own.

Regarding the feelings: he hasn’t quite figured that part out. He sees all the engaged couples and how all over each other they are, but they’re at a different point in their relationship than we are.

For me, the fading of the “feelings” is my favorite part of a relationship. I like the honeymoon period and all, but there’s something infinitely more satisfying about still being happy when the chemicals are gone and being just sort of quietly confident in your love for each other.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Thanks. I’m sure we’d both appreciate your prayers for our paths, whether they be together or separate, if you have any to spare

I’m a little more upset today than I was last night, but this is really going to be what’s best for us. I’m proud of myself for sticking up for my boundaries and what I need, but I’m still sad.

The selfish part of my brain: I just feel like he broke my trust by coming back and asking for another chance, then not really trying to make it work and putting me in the position of having to do most of the work. I’m also upset at the lack of respect that he’s shown me. And I’m upset because I can see how well we could work together if we could just figure out a way to get past the fear and the trust issues, but I’m afraid it’s too broken.

You’re not being selfish; I think you just recognize the situation for what it is. He was not treating you fairly or respectfully, and a clear-thinking person with a healthy amount of self respect can’t help but see that. Good for you for sticking up for your boundaries. I’m sorry, though, because I know the disappointment hurts, especially when it’s a friend that you’ve known for a long time.