Catholic advice on relationship wanted

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AveMaria517

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I am so lost in my relationship and I cannot figure out what God wants me to do. I keep praying, but I cannot seem to think clearly about it all enough to figure anything out. I am a non Catholic dating a lapsed Catholic man who is wonderful. We have been dating over 6 years and engaged for over 4. We are expecting our third child around Christmas and I really can’t deal with having another child with just a fiance. We had planned to be married before we ever conceived our first daughter (and obviously anticipated the vows), but my fiance called off the wedding at the last minute. I already knew I wanted to be with him the rest of my life, so I didn’t see the problem in waiting until he was as sure as I was. Unfortunately, he still wanted the same life we had planned… just without the hassle of being married. I was young and thought that I would help him realize that he wanted to be married to me by being the best partner ever, which in my mind would broadcast wife material. Obviously that backfired as he has all the benefits of marriage and hasn’t yet seen the blessings that marriage would give us and our relationship.

He seems to be coming around to seeing that we need to be married to actually have a valid relationship, for us and for our children. But I don’t know if I should just keep waiting in a sinful relationship, hoping he will want to finally get married. I have so many reasons I have used to feel okay staying in the relationship: I wanted our children to have a stable home with two parents who love them, I want the security and stability being in our relationship gives me and our children, I want to be a stay at home mom to our children, I love my fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him, … etc. But honestly, a third child and our oldest is getting ready for preschool… if he really wanted us to be a family as much as I do, wouldn’t we be married by now? I can’t have us get married on my own, especially as the church won’t let me sign up for any of the marriage prep things since I am not Catholic. I am worried that I am staying in this relationship because it is safe and easy. But I also worry about my children if we leave, their lifestyle would change drastically and it seems very selfish of me to deprive them of a stable, secure, loving home just because I am uncomfortable. Any advice, especially on the Catholic perspective as I am raising my children Catholic, would be very, very appreciated.
 
You’re currently fornicators, so make sure to ask God for forgiveness. Ask a priest for advice. God bless!
 
First of all, (((hugs))) to you, AveMaria. I’m sorry things are difficult right now. 😦 Are you aware of the Church’s teachings on pre-marital sex? I’m not here to judge you or preach to you, but because you asked for Catholic perspective, I wanted to be sure you understood what the Church teaches - which is that sexual relations outside of marriage is sinful. It seems from your past that you have grown up a lot since meeting your boyfriend. Again, because you asked for a Catholic perspective, I have to tell you that you and your boyfriend should refrain from sex until you are married in the Church. You said you are raising the children Catholic (good for you! 👍), and you and their father need to be good strong examples of faith for them.

I guess the first thing you should prayerfully consider is whether God is leading you toward marriage to this man. If the answer is yes, you and your boyfriend should have a heart to heart and you need to lay this all out for him and explain how you feel. He has had more than enough time to figure out what he wants, Ave. Please stick to your guns and tell him he has to make a decision. Whichever answer he gives, you will be in a better situation than you are in now.

I’m a little confused by this -

“I can’t have us get married on my own, especially as the church won’t let me sign up for any of the marriage prep things since I am not Catholic”

You should definitely be able to enroll in a marriage prep course with your boyfriend even though you are not Catholic. Maybe I’m missing something here?

I’ll pray for you, AveMaria, and your boyfriend as well! Please let us know how things go, and keep us updated. There are a lot of “prayer warriors” on this forum, and I know I won’t be the only one praying for you, your boyfriend, and your three little ones!
 
To be totally honest, I am not sure what I want… and I am hoping the replies here will help me to figure out what I should do. Yes, I want to get married and actually be a family. I fell in love with him and when we first decided to get married I took it seriously and decided that I wanted to be with him in sickness or health, in good times or bad… etc and although we didn’t make it to the actual wedding to make the vows, I came to terms with them and vowed them in my heart and I feel bound by them no matter what happens. I am just sick of being in a relationship that I know is sinful just because he doesn’t feel like going through the hassle of being married and having a relationship that is sacramental. I’m scared to try again, each time hurts when I end up still just engaged at the end and nothing has changed for the better. Each time it has gotten harder and harder to not get bitter, to know what I should do, to hope.

I guess what I am curious about people’s opinions on is how to be accountable for my own actions in a situation where I feel I have very little control. Yes, I can easily be celibate, but if we aren’t doing it as part of the engagement process preferably under the direction of a priest, he will see it as a negative thing, not as something meant to enrich our relationship and get us back on track to where God wants us to be. Yes, I could take my children and leave, being totally accountable for my own actions and able to live a more Christian lifestyle. But then my children will give up the advantages I have given up everything for them to have. They will then be raised by a single mother, without an example of a loving mother and father raising them together. They will be the ones to give the most up and to me that isn’t a fair trade. I can stay in this relationship not being able to be as close to god as I want, waiting on my fiance to change… something I have little control over and hope for the best… I am hoping someone will have a better idea than I seem to be able to come up with to enter here, lol.
I’m a little confused by this -
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“I can’t have us get married on my own, especially as the church won’t let me sign up for any of the marriage prep things since I am not Catholic”
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You should definitely be able to enroll in a marriage prep course with your boyfriend even though you are not Catholic. Maybe I’m missing something here?
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As my fiance isn’t necessarily opposed to the idea of marriage if I mention how important it is for me, I have tried numerous times to start doing all the things on the pre wedding checklist for our parish… with no luck. They won’t let me sign us up for pre cana classes, to make an appointment to do the inventory, or for any information about church openings for weddings. The objection has been that I am not Catholic… and so cannot have a Catholic wedding on my own, so the Catholic party has to do the Catholic side of things. Which makes sense, unfortunately I am the one who is involved with the Catholic church and not him and he hasn’t been willing to be responsible for any of those things. I really want a Catholic wedding though as I am raising our daughters Catholic and I don’t see the point in a wedding that isn’t valid.
 
Just a thank you to this wonderful site! I’ve been reading posts on and off all day whenever I’ve had a few minutes of down time and I just wrote a letter to my fiance explaining to him how I feel about things. I have a hard time being vulnerable, and I have been struggling with being very bitter lately and haven’t been able to find the correct words. Finally tonight after thinking about things I’ve read on here and seeing again all the reasons why I’ve wanted to be married to him so much, I realized that’s what I need to tell him. I needed to let him know I love him and that I want to marry him because I want him for a husband very very much, I needed to let him know that I have been struggling with feeling bitter about our relationship, I needed to let him know I am sorry that my insecurities caused me to be mean to him, and I needed to let him know that I am scared and sad and worried, but that I don’t want to stay in a relationship that I feel is wrong on many different levels.

I feel much more peaceful and hopeful for the moment and I think God is helping me find the right path. I’m praying that my words are the right ones and that they will help our relationship.
 
Aww, Ave…I really feel for you!! It seems like you are genuinely trying to do the right thing - whatever God wants for you and your family. All I can say is pray, pray, pray and ask God to lead you and your boyfriend to where He wants you. I agree that a life with both their father and their mother would be better for your children, if that is possible. I will pray for you that your husband will realize that you and he need to be married in the Church and be good examples for your children.

You said in your first post that you are a non-Catholic, however, you seem very open to the teachings of the Catholic church and you are raising your children Catholic. Are you active in another denomination, or are you interested in becoming Catholic one day? Either way, it would definitely not hurt to seek out a good priest to talk to. He can help guide you through this tough situation, and he can also help you when/if it comes time for marriage preparation.

Pray for your boyfriend as much as possible! He is lost and needs direction, and needs to come back to the Church. I will continue to pray for you both!! Please keep us updated!
 
Ave - welcome to the board. I am loving the screen name.
First off, I am so glad that you are interested in raising your kids Catholic! The Church is here for you too, I hope you will explore it.

I am going to be brutally honest with you. In many ways, your boyfriend/fiancé is being cruel to you. He is dangling a carrot in front of you but not fulfilling his duty to take you as his wife. He does not care about humiliating you in front of family, friends, or when you take the kids to school and have to explain the way you are living to people. This is a real problem. You have also, through your actions, told him that it is okay for him to treat you this way. You have let him sleep with you, have children with you and lay next to him every night without the emotionally and financially security of being his wife. You seem very sweet, but I wonder if you have some issues that you need to deal with in figuring out why you would let somebody treat you this way. I do not mean to sound cruel, I am just trying to get you to see that you are worth more than this! You are a wonderful, valuable child of God and you deserve to be honored like a lady. Your children will not benefit from growing up in this environment, you already know this and hallelujah that you see it! You are partly to blame for this, you are half of the problem. That is probably very hard to swallow, because you love them enough to give your life for them - yet you are not living your life in a way that is good for them.
The good news, God is never far. He can transform hearts.
A good start is asking your husband if you can go to mass on Sunday as a family. It is okay if you are not Catholic, just abstain from taking communion. This next suggestion is hard, but, sleep in a separate bed from now on. How can you expect God to give you the blessing of marriage when you mock it? Tell him that you cannot sleep with him anymore, tell him you value yourself too much.
Start getting him excited about being the “man” of the family. There is a great series put out by Danny Abramowitz, (oh, I probably butchered the spelling, maybe someone on here can correct it) and some other sports figures that is geared towards men and is very pro-Catholic and pro-family. It might be a great introduction for your husband. I think there is a program called “Crossing the Goal.” I think you can google all of this for more info.

Keep us updated!
 
MercyMia said:
Ave - welcome to the board. I am loving the screen name.
First off, I am so glad that you are interested in raising your kids Catholic! The Church is here for you too, I hope you will explore it.

I am going to be brutally honest with you. In many ways, your boyfriend/fiancé is being cruel to you. He is dangling a carrot in front of you but not fulfilling his duty to take you as his wife. He does not care about humiliating you in front of family, friends, or when you take the kids to school and have to explain the way you are living to people. This is a real problem. You have also, through your actions, told him that it is okay for him to treat you this way. You have let him sleep with you, have children with you and lay next to him every night without the emotionally and financially security of being his wife. You seem very sweet, but I wonder if you have some issues that you need to deal with in figuring out why you would let somebody treat you this way. I do not mean to sound cruel, I am just trying to get you to see that you are worth more than this! You are a wonderful, valuable child of God and you deserve to be honored like a lady. Your children will not benefit from growing up in this environment, you already know this and hallelujah that you see it! You are partly to blame for this, you are half of the problem. That is probably very hard to swallow, because you love them enough to give your life for them - yet you are not living your life in a way that is good for them.
The good news, God is never far. He can transform hearts.
A good start is asking your husband if you can go to mass on Sunday as a family. It is okay if you are not Catholic, just abstain from taking communion. This next suggestion is hard, but, sleep in a separate bed from now on. How can you expect God to give you the blessing of marriage when you mock it? Tell him that you cannot sleep with him anymore, tell him you value yourself too much.
Start getting him excited about being the “man” of the family. There is a great series put out by Danny Abramowitz, (oh, I probably butchered the spelling, maybe someone on here can correct it) and some other sports figures that is geared towards men and is very pro-Catholic and pro-family. It might be a great introduction for your husband. I think there is a program called “Crossing the Goal.” I think you can google all of this for more info.

Keep us updated!
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I agree with this. I’m sorry AVE, that you are going through this, but sadly, we can only be treated by people, in the ways we LET them treat us. After the first child, I think I would changed gears, seeing that he still wasn’t willing to set a wedding date. Doesn’t have to be an elaborate wedding…but, I think that living in limbo is never a comfortable nor healthy place, for you, the kids, or him. I hope things improve, but I would stop accepting this status quo…like Mia above says, you and the kids deserve better than this. Praying for you. :gopray:
 
Eucharisted said:
You’re currently fornicators, so make sure to ask God for forgiveness. Ask a priest for advice. God bless!
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Uh… I think she knows and understands this which is why she is looking to get married. The sentence ends nicely but I’m not sure calling names is the best way to greet someone… anyway…

Ava, I took am very sorry for what you are going though. Do you guys have a good relationship? you haven’t mentioned anything negative so I’m guessing everything is good except you aren’t married yet.

Sadly this seems to go on a lot these days in the US and even more so in Europe. It’s even glamorized on TV in shows like Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels etc… My guess, if things are good, it’s like you said, your finance has fallen into the trap of why get married, I have everything a married man does, without that “marriage” looming over his head.

What he has failed to realize is that isn’t really true. Definitely not true from the standpoint of his faith but also from a relationship standpoint. There truly is something different once you are married, in a good way.

Have you considered RCIA? I’m asking since you are trying to setup a Catholic wedding are you considering or open to becoming Catholic? Perhaps that is one way to get him moving as well, just a thought.

From a guys standpoint who could ask for more than what you have given this guy, you have stood by his side and given him his “time” now it’s time for him to step up.

You guys are in my prayers!

Joe
 
If he will not marry you, taking concrete action starting TODAY, then I would move out.

You are very concerned about the *material *life your children will lead should you be a single parent-- and yes it will be hard. There will also be emotional consequences. And, I hope you can avoid these things. Only your boyfriend can make it happen by committing to you, the Church, and marriage.

I would suggest you focus more on the *spiritual *life you are leading-- and giving as an example-- if they are children being raised in a cohabiting household. Eventually you will have to have a “do as I say and not as I do” moment if you continue to give this example to your children.

I’m not clear why you have not joined the Church, you seem to embrace the Church’s teaching and want to raise your children as Catholics. I hope regardless of whether your boyfriend commits that you explore joining the Church. Do this for yourself.

I agree with others about how you are being treated. I think you need to have a “come to Jesus” moment with your boyfriend regarding marriage. But, he may not be capable of committing in this way. You say he is a lapsed Catholic. I think that’s problematic. Maybe you believe the teachings of the Church more than he does. If you reach this goal of getting him to marry you, what will you really have? Yes, a father for your children, but will you have a spiritual head of your household committed to your family’s spiritual well being? I’m not saying toss him out, clearly you can make it work if he will commit to marriage.
 
Thank you all for your replies! First of all to clear a couple things up… I chose to raise our children Catholic and I am the one who had them baptized Catholic and has taught them all the prayers, how mass works, helping them to feel they know their priest… etc so no matter what happens in my relationship with their father, they will be raised Catholic. We do go to mass at least once a week as a family as I believe that is a requirement for me to do as a parent for my Catholic children while they are too young to make that choice themselves. I have already taken RCIA classes and have a good relationship with the priests at the two main parishes that we attend. I researched the Catholic faith before I had my daughters baptized, so although I am not Catholic, I understand the majority of the church’s teachings and have a catechism that I can go to for answers when I am confused. I just don’t have the experience living a Catholic lifestyle and it is sometimes hard for me to be able to translate the church’s teachings into making decisions about my everyday life. I am guessing that comes with practice though!

Umm… what else am I missing? Thank you for the very nice reply, Joe. Yes, my fiance is wonderful and we have a very solid relationship. Lately not as much as like I mentioned I’ve been so stressed out that I have been struggling with bitterness and I haven’t been as nice to my fiance as he deserves. I think I got frustrated trying to be perfect and him taking it for granted. But, I apologized to him now, so I at least feel a lot better now about that. I believe part of the reason it has seemed hard for us to get married is that we are pretty young, I just turned 22. So the first time we had planned to get married, everyone was against it as they felt I wasn’t old enough. The second time, I tried to have the wedding through the church I was then a member of and they wouldn’t marry us unless he gave up being Catholic, which neither of us really wanted. Then we had our first daughter, I became a stay at home mom and he has worked hard to support us… etc. It is not all his fault as life has made getting married a trial. I think we just had a different outlook on it all. I saw it more as a trial for us to get through together and keep trying where he feels that we did try to get married, so it isn’t our fault that in the end we aren’t married. I believe he has more of an issue with getting married than with being married, which has sustained me for quite a while, but it is wearing thin now.

1ke, thank you also for your reply. I can see how my post came across the way you took it, but I don’t feel that I am especially concerned with material things as much as the lifestyle I want my children to have. Right now, we go to church at least once a week and we have the option to attend a daily mass or go to say the rosary with others in the morning any time we would like to. As a single mom, it would be very difficult to even take my children to mass once a week as I would be working during almost all mass times. I would hopefully be able to find someone else to take them, but we would not be able to go as a family. Any jobs I can get don’t pay enough for me to afford day care for three children, so I would have to take care of them all day and have them sleep at someone else’s house while I work all night and any other time that someone has off of their job, just to be able to afford groceries and clothing for them. I will have to stop attending college, which will take away a chance for things to get better. I wouldn’t be able to send them to the good Catholic school I have been planning to with the the children they know from church. They will not get to see how a mother and father are supposed to work together and raise the family together. They are the ones who will give up the hobbies they enjoy, the rosary readings at church they enjoy, being able to walk to the park and play together during the day, getting to go to library story hours they enjoy, going to the children’s museum daytime fun days… etc. I realize that those may be material, but I am not just upset that they’d have to stop wearing brand name clothes or something inconsequential like that. They would lose their father, they would lose me in many ways, and they would lose many of the things they enjoy. I feel that those are important things to consider as my children are the totally blameless ones.
 
Sounds to me like your finance has found a wonderful Catholic wife and mother and just needs to get on the ball… or should I rephrase that… you both need to get on the ball.

A sacramental marriage is 100% and 100%, not 50/50 as some would suggest. I believe you are taking the right steps, keep working on him and get him to set a date.

You are also so close to being Catholic I would encourage you to talk with the Priest on making it formal. The two of you getting married and both working hard to raise your family Catholic will not only help your relationship but will also be an excellent environment to bring your children up in.

We all make mistake, it’s easy for multiple things to take priority. You putting your children first may have been the correct move at the time, only God knows for sure. However now I believe he is leading you home (home to Rome as us converts would say) and to solidify your relationship in the eyes of the Church.

May God Bless you and keep you both strong as you work to follow His will!

Joe
 
You have been through RCIA and you know the priests, what happened to the step of you being confirmed as a Catholic?

I would pick one of the priests and make an appointment with him. Tell him everything you’ve said here and ask his advice. If you are on your way to being confirmed, you can get married in the Catholic church (Catholics marry non-Catholics pretty regularly). The secretary may not have wanted to make the arrangements, but the priest can.

Yes, you should live “as brother and sister” until the wedding, but that doesn’t have to be delayed forever if your boyfriend steps up. And if he doesn’t you do need to consider that your children’s spiritual welfare (and your own) is more important than their physical wellbeing.

Ask your priest to dinner to discuss this with your boyfriend also. I know not being married is pretty common in Europe and becoming more so here, but there are great advantages to being married that he should find out about and the priest can help him with that.
 
AveMaria517 said:
Thank you all for your replies! First of all to clear a couple things up… I chose to raise our children Catholic and I am the one who had them baptized Catholic and has taught them all the prayers, how mass works, helping them to feel they know their priest… etc so no matter what happens in my relationship with their father, they will be raised Catholic. We do go to mass at least once a week as a family as I believe that is a requirement for me to do as a parent for my Catholic children while they are too young to make that choice themselves. I have already taken RCIA classes and have a good relationship with the priests at the two main parishes that we attend. I researched the Catholic faith before I had my daughters baptized, so although I am not Catholic, I understand the majority of the church’s teachings and have a catechism that I can go to for answers when I am confused. I just don’t have the experience living a Catholic lifestyle and it is sometimes hard for me to be able to translate the church’s teachings into making decisions about my everyday life. I am guessing that comes with practice though!

Umm… what else am I missing? Thank you for the very nice reply, Joe. Yes, my fiance is wonderful and we have a very solid relationship. Lately not as much as like I mentioned I’ve been so stressed out that I have been struggling with bitterness and I haven’t been as nice to my fiance as he deserves. I think I got frustrated trying to be perfect and him taking it for granted. But, I apologized to him now, so I at least feel a lot better now about that. I believe part of the reason it has seemed hard for us to get married is that we are pretty young, I just turned 22. So the first time we had planned to get married, everyone was against it as they felt I wasn’t old enough. The second time, I tried to have the wedding through the church I was then a member of and they wouldn’t marry us unless he gave up being Catholic, which neither of us really wanted. Then we had our first daughter, I became a stay at home mom and he has worked hard to support us… etc. It is not all his fault as life has made getting married a trial. I think we just had a different outlook on it all. I saw it more as a trial for us to get through together and keep trying where he feels that we did try to get married, so it isn’t our fault that in the end we aren’t married. I believe he has more of an issue with getting married than with being married, which has sustained me for quite a while, but it is wearing thin now.

1ke, thank you also for your reply. I can see how my post came across the way you took it, but I don’t feel that I am especially concerned with material things as much as the lifestyle I want my children to have. Right now, we go to church at least once a week and we have the option to attend a daily mass or go to say the rosary with others in the morning any time we would like to. As a single mom, it would be very difficult to even take my children to mass once a week as I would be working during almost all mass times. I would hopefully be able to find someone else to take them, but we would not be able to go as a family. Any jobs I can get don’t pay enough for me to afford day care for three children, so I would have to take care of them all day and have them sleep at someone else’s house while I work all night and any other time that someone has off of their job, just to be able to afford groceries and clothing for them. I will have to stop attending college, which will take away a chance for things to get better. I wouldn’t be able to send them to the good Catholic school I have been planning to with the the children they know from church. They will not get to see how a mother and father are supposed to work together and raise the family together. They are the ones who will give up the hobbies they enjoy, the rosary readings at church they enjoy, being able to walk to the park and play together during the day, getting to go to library story hours they enjoy, going to the children’s museum daytime fun days… etc. I realize that those may be material, but I am not just upset that they’d have to stop wearing brand name clothes or something inconsequential like that. They would lose their father, they would lose me in many ways, and they would lose many of the things they enjoy. I feel that those are important things to consider as my children are the totally blameless ones.
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Ave - have you considered getting married civilly and then having the marriage blessed by the Church? I am not trying to dissuade you from getting married in the Church (a beautiful thing!) but perhaps given all the obstacles you’ve encountered, a civil ceremony would be a good first step. Or even a non-denominational ceremony. You say you are currently not Catholic and your boyfriend is not really practicing… it may be appropriate to go this route. I think it’s wonderful that you are keeping your commitment to raise your kids Catholic!!! They will benefit greatly from your loving commitment.
 
zaramarie81 said:
Ave - have you considered getting married civilly and then having the marriage blessed by the Church? I am not trying to dissuade you from getting married in the Church (a beautiful thing!) but perhaps given all the obstacles you’ve encountered, a civil ceremony would be a good first step. Or even a non-denominational ceremony. You say you are currently not Catholic and your boyfriend is not really practicing… it may be appropriate to go this route. I think it’s wonderful that you are keeping your commitment to raise your kids Catholic!!! They will benefit greatly from your loving commitment.
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Doing this may improve the well-being of her children, but it seems inadvisable to me because it will have the effect of digging her boyfriend a deeper spiritual hole than the one that he already find himself in. A Catholic marriage could very well be the catalyst that returns her boyfriend to the faith… but once he’s married outside of the church, how difficult will it be to get him to take the next step, and how likely is it that he will remain outside of the church, after he’s taken a step in the opposite direction?

This would also do nothing to solve their moral problem, because the marriage would not be valid due to her boyfriend acting against his own religion.

I could see a civil marriage as being good for the children in some ways, but it would certainly not be good for the souls of those involved.
 
ack said:
Doing this may improve the well-being of her children, but it seems inadvisable to me because it will have the effect of digging her boyfriend a deeper spiritual hole than the one that he already find himself in. A Catholic marriage could very well be the catalyst that returns her boyfriend to the faith… but once he’s married outside of the church, how difficult will it be to get him to take the next step, and how likely is it that he will remain outside of the church, after he’s taken a step in the opposite direction?

This would also do nothing to solve their moral problem, because the marriage would not be valid due to her boyfriend acting against his own religion.

I could see a civil marriage as being good for the children in some ways, but it would certainly not be good for the souls of those involved.
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It’s impossible to know what would spur her boyfriend back to the faith. We could only speculate there, and that is not really within the OP’s control. Many marry IN the Church and then fail to live the faith out and drift away. The issue here is that she wants to marry him now (understandably so, given that they already have 3 children together). Well, he is not currently practicing and she is not currently Catholic.

So, I am advocating taking the honest route… not waiting until they are both devout Catholics (this could take years) but marrying now for the sake of their family and exploring the faith together. IF they DID get married in the Church now, I would suggest avoiding a full Mass because she cannot receive and he probably should not if he is not showing any outward signs of belief.

Also, marrying civilly could greatly benefit both her and the children, legally and relationally. Marriage is part of ‘natural law’ and preceded the Church - it is a good thing whether sacramental or civil. Even civil marriage is MUCH better and more stable than cohabiting. It could be a good first step to doing what is best for their family in their current reality. One step at a time… there are multiple issues here. It really isn’t just a matter of wanting to get married in the Church and a few administrative details… spiritually, neither of them seems fully prepared for that.
 
It’s also worth noting that if the OP is not baptized, then even a marriage in the Church would be considered a “natural marriage” *not *a sacramental marriage (sorry, Ave, I did not catch what your exact background was?). My sister had a natural marriage for the first several years (she married in the Church, but her husband was not baptized). He eventually converted and from there, the marriage was automatically sacramental. Their marriage was still considered “good” and valid in the eyes of the Church, if not ideal. I realize that situation is a bit different, but depending on the OP and her boyfriend’s respective backgrounds, a sacramental marriage may not be realistic right now.
 
In regards to taking the final step to converting, at this time I don’t feel comfortable actually converting to Catholicism. I am waiting until I feel 100% ready and the priests at our parishes know that. Its for many reasons and although I agree it would be easier to just convert and I could do more on my own… I don’t feel that is a valid reason if I am not totally confident in my decision. But, that’s a different post.

Right now, I am really trying to decide what I should do. I want to get married, but what I really want is to be married and have a strong marriage. To do that, I need my fiance’s full support, which I don’t really have control over. We are trying to talk about getting married, as I have mentioned that I feel that I should take our children and move out until he and I have decided what to do in our relationship. Which he is very against, but it makes him feel defensive and I spend most of the time assuring him that I still want to be with him, I just don’t want to be with him in our current relationship.

ZaraMarie, I think we think alike! I have thought about going the civil and then blessed marriage route, but have many issues with it. I think I need to get my fiance to agree to be married before I plan another wedding… again though.:rolleyes: If we do decide to get married, I will definitely be posting about the pros and cons of that route and about other questions I have concerning a Catholic wedding to a non Catholic. Maybe then we’d be able to talk about it more?

Ack, like I mentioned above, if I start a new thread specifically about wedding options, maybe you would be able to talk about it more there too? A civil marriage not being considered valid is a big issue with me as the main reason I want us to get married is for our children, who are Catholic. To really benefit from the marriage, it needs to be accepted by the Catholic church I think.
 
Oops I forgot. My fiance is baptized and confirmed Catholic and went through all his years at school at a Catholic academy. I am baptized and confirmed Lutheran and have been through RCIA, but have not converted to Catholicism. Our two daughters have been baptized Catholic and aren’t old enough to start official Catholic schooling yet, but are being raised with a religious background. Obviously that will be true for our third child once he/she arrives also!
 
AveMaria517 said:
In regards to taking the final step to converting, at this time I don’t feel comfortable actually converting to Catholicism. I am waiting until I feel 100% ready and the priests at our parishes know that. Its for many reasons and although I agree it would be easier to just convert and I could do more on my own… I don’t feel that is a valid reason if I am not totally confident in my decision. But, that’s a different post.

Right now, I am really trying to decide what I should do. I want to get married, but what I really want is to be married and have a strong marriage. To do that, I need my fiance’s full support, which I don’t really have control over. We are trying to talk about getting married, as I have mentioned that I feel that I should take our children and move out until he and I have decided what to do in our relationship. Which he is very against, but it makes him feel defensive and I spend most of the time assuring him that I still want to be with him, I just don’t want to be with him in our current relationship.

ZaraMarie, I think we think alike! I have thought about going the civil and then blessed marriage route, but have many issues with it. I think I need to get my fiance to agree to be married before I plan another wedding… again though.:rolleyes: If we do decide to get married, I will definitely be posting about the pros and cons of that route and about other questions I have concerning a Catholic wedding to a non Catholic. Maybe then we’d be able to talk about it more?

Ack, like I mentioned above, if I start a new thread specifically about wedding options, maybe you would be able to talk about it more there too? A civil marriage not being considered valid is a big issue with me as the main reason I want us to get married is for our children, who are Catholic. To really benefit from the marriage, it needs to be accepted by the Catholic church I think.
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Ave - Well, I pray he wants to get married soon! If he has a Catholic background, he may very well then want to get married in the Church after that decision is made. If not, then I guess you will have more talking to do! It sounds like a lot is going to depend on where your boyfriend is spiritually. In regards to what the Church sees as valid… yeah, I would definitely keep communicating with a trusted priest. It’s unusual for the non-Catholic spouse to feel strongly about marrying in the Church, so a good priest may have some good suggests. If you got married civilly and then had it blessed or recognized by the Church, it should be valid at that point (and the blessing does not have to be another “wedding” - you would already be considered married, just now that marriage would be recognized within the Church… does that make sense?). Anyway, I am no expert, but I think I have that straight! I hope all works out well for you and your kids!
 
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