Catholic and Non-Catholic Marriage Conflict

[Erin_91]

Hello,

I’m new to Catholic Answers, but I wanted to get my story out in the hopes that someone else has had a similar experience and can provide some knowledge and wisdom…

I’m in my junior year of college, and have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. I’m Catholic and he is non-denominational Christian. We knew each other’s religious affiliations going into our relationship, but we thought-- we both believe in the same God, things can easily work out for us! Now that our relationship has grown more serious and we’ve considered our future, we’ve started having difficult discussions about how we would be married and how we would raise our children.

I would truly love, and I hope, to marry in the Catholic Church. I’ve been raised in the Catholic faith but not educated in the Catholic faith. In a sense, I’ve learned a lot in this relationship about my faith because I’ve had to research to hold my ground in discussions. My boyfriend’s oldest brother is a pastor, and he hopes for his brother to marry us. This wouldn’t be fulfilling the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Catholic Church, and I explained that if we were to go this route, we could have our marriage convalidated, which to my surprise my boyfriend took great offense to. He doesn’t understand why the Church wouldn’t recognize a marriage outside of the Church as valid, and I’m not good at explaining this to him. Does any one have suggestions for me on how to proceed with all of this? A good explanation of convalidation? Suggestions on how we can compromise to meet both of our needs?

This is truly weighing heavy on my heart, and I would greatly appreciate any responses.

Best to you all.

 

[1ke]

I highly advise against mixed marriages. You have only begun to find the major differences that lie between you. You cannot agree on where to have the wedding, what about your obligation to baptize and raise your children in the Catholic faith?

You really need to speak to a priest before you make any serious plans. The two of you need counseling together on what your obligations as a Catholic in a mixed marriage would be.

As for the wedding itself, I strongly urge you not to marry “outside the Church” (meaning without proper dispensations and permissions) and then attempt convalidation. It is never a good idea to start off your married life by committing a grave sin and placing yourself outside the sacraments. Regarding your boyfriend’s question on validity of marriage, you as a Catholic are bound by the laws of the Church which extends to marriage.

However, it is possible to validly marry a non-Catholic in a cerermony that is not in a Catholic Church. As part of marriage preparation you are required to get permission from the bishop for mixed marriage, and the two of you will have to attend Catholic marriage preparation. You can also apply for a dispensation from Catholic form from the bishop to be married in the non_Catholic service. If you do so, your marriage is valid.

You and your boyfriend seem to have major religious differences. Do not gloss over these thinking they will not matter or can be easily overcome. If you move forward, you have a perilous road ahead.

Go talk to your pastor.

 

[robwar]

I second iKE suggestions and add that it sounds like there is going to be a lot of pressure to be married by the brother pastor and your boyfriend doesn’t sound too supportive of a Catholic marriage with the promise on your part to raise your children Catholic. You do not want to be in a marriage with major conflicts in religion even though both of you love God.

 

[Lorraine1]

I would make a list of your reasons to be married in the Church. Take a few days to make this list . Pray before you write and while you write. Let God direct you. Then make an appointment with your local priest and discuss your list as well as your boyfriend not being Catholic. I wish I had done this when I married. I DID get a dispensation from the Bishop to marry in another church, but I have always regretted it.

Also, it is not always easy to be married to a Non-Catholic and still retain all you loved in the Church. I hope you will give the suggestions I read from others a chance. You will be much happier in your marriage if you can share your Faith earnestly with your spouse.

Blessings to you ~

 

[PaulfromIowa]

As others have noted, it is possible to get a dispensation from your bishop to be married by a Protestant minister and such a marriage is considered valid by the Catholic Church.

Having said that, it is never at all wise to marry outside the Church unless your future spouse agrees to raise your children Catholic. If you marry and raise children outside the faith, you will almost certainly lose your own faith. You should never even consider starting down such a path. Nothing is worth risking your soul and the souls of your future children.

 

[bzkoss236]

As someone in a mixed marriage, I will say that it isn’t for everyone. The reason it works for us is that we (my wife and I) can have educated discussions, we respect each other’s view, and we share enough of the major beliefs as to not cause conflict.

The non-Catholic partner’s family’s views of the Church can also play a role in how well such a relationship would work out. For the most part, my wife’s family has a tolerant view of the Church, with her mother being the only one to speak out against the Church on occasion.

The partner’s view of the Church really matters, especially when it comes to where you will be married, what church will you go to, how your children will be raised (not something to be put off in a mixed faith relationship). My wife and I talked about this stuff even before we were engaged, because we knew things like this might cause conflict and because we saw dating as a way for seeking out a spouse. We did have arguments, and some frustrated talks, but in the end, we came to the same conclusions.

Now, a dispensation from from can be gained by the Catholic party, from the bishop of your diocese, to have a non-Catholic marriage ceremony and be recognized by the Church. And this matters. Ask your boyfriend how he would feel getting married in a Mormon temple. It’s not the same.

I will end with saying that if you guys disagree on so much that you can’t really talk about faith without getting into discussions or arguments, then you should not continue the relationship. You have to be able to agree on many things to be able to raise your children (even if it is a way into the future concept; it is too important to put off) in a consistent way so they do not grow up confused and resentful.

 

[Erin_91]

As someone in a mixed marriage, I will say that it isn’t for everyone. The reason it works for us is that we (my wife and I) can have educated discussions, we respect each other’s view, and we share enough of the major beliefs as to not cause conflict.

I will end with saying that if you guys disagree on so much that you can’t really talk about faith without getting into discussions or arguments, then you should not continue the relationship. You have to be able to agree on many things to be able to raise your children (even if it is a way into the future concept; it is too important to put off) in a consistent way so they do not grow up confused and resentful.

Do you and your wife attend the Catholic Church, her church, or part ways on Sundays?

We are not yet engaged, and have been having these discussions almost from the time we started dating. We both also date with the intent of finding a spouse and so these discussions–and yes arguments-- are important to getting us where we need to be. Do you mind me asking how you raised your children?

 

[bzkoss236]

Do you and your wife attend the Catholic Church, her church, or part ways on Sundays?

We are not yet engaged, and have been having these discussions almost from the time we started dating. We both also date with the intent of finding a spouse and so these discussions–and yes arguments-- are important to getting us where we need to be. Do you mind me asking how you raised your children?

We concluded to only attend a Catholic church. This is one decision we made before we were engaged, and because we didn’t want our children to grow up confused by two different gospel messages (even if only slightly different in some aspects). But also, she’s one who prefers more classically styled music anyways, so she really enjoys the liturgical music. And she particularly enjoys the homilies at the current church we attend. She hasn’t really liked the “rock band” type worship she’s grown up with. We also agreed to get married in a Catholic church (a cathedral in fact), and have my mom’s cousin (a priest with whom we are close with) to perform the ceremony. We got many compliments on the church by our friends and family. My father-in-law’s sister mentioned this past weekend, when we visited her, that she’s glad we had our wedding in a Catholic church, because it was so beautiful and awe inspiring and very reflective of God’s role in our lives. She also happened to mention how much she likes the new Pope, she finds him so fascinating.

As to children, we don’t have any yet. God must realize that in our current situation it would not be best to raise a child. But our conclusion on this is that we will raise our children Christian first and foremost, meaning that we will raise them in a manner in which they will be charitable and Christ-like. Basically, showing them how to live as a Christian in our world as it is today using methods shared in our beliefs. I will still do my best to share the particular aspects of the Catholic faith with them. And we will be having them baptized as infants, though we are not sure how her mother will take the news when the time comes. My wife knows how much my faith means to me, and she tries to continually build me up in my faith, as I do her.

 

[RoseMary131]

My boyfriend’s oldest brother is a pastor, and he hopes for his brother to marry us.

You can attend the marriage prep classes at your parish. You can have a priest or deacon AND your boyfriend’s brother witness your vows in the Protestant church.

You would then be married “in the Church”. Your wedding would have both the priest (deacon) and the Protestant pastor.

May God bless you as you travel this road of discernment together.

 

[Adamski]

I am married to a non-demoninational Christian; which you must know is code word for modern anabaptist.

I would make sure you get married in the catholic church or you will find life really hard without the sacrements.

I went without the Eucharist or confession for over 10 years until my wife suggested we get are marriage blessed in the church. And know I feel so much more fulfilled and closer to Christ

 

[admonsta]

I married a non-denominational Christian, but he was not practicing at all, had no education in the faith, even though he believed in God. That was as far as it went. I made it clear from the outset that I was Catholic, the kids would be Catholic and he needed to support me in raising them as such.

He took a long time to decide to marry because he knew it was for life (for me at least). He has always supported me, he attended Mass fairly often, we did premarital counselling, had lots of fights and sorted a lot of things out before we married.

I am very happy to say that my husband became a Catholic late last year. He voluntarily did sessions with the priests to learn about the faith, they pulled no punches (he knew a lot of it anyway), but after 10 years of marriage, he’s one of us

He still has some slightly wacky ideas about how things are, but I imagine the longer he is Catholic, the more he will get it.

 

[boymama]

To marry a Catholic means to realize the other denomination needs to take a back seat

My husband is Lutheran. Before our engagement we also had these talks, and I made it clear getting married and raising our children in the Catholic Church were non-negotiable. We decided attending Mass as a family every Sunday was important so we could spend it together.

We have been married 5 years, and while my husband is religious and faith-filled he has essentially become a non-practicing Lutheran. He hasn’t been to Lutheran service since before we married. Currently he is trying to decide if he wants to become Catholic (under no pressure from me).

Additionally you need to think about his family. I pointed out in an earlier thread that my husband and I have zero issues with being different faiths, but my in laws take HUGE issue with it moreso now that we have children who are Baptized and being raised Catholic.

I imagine if his brother is a minister even if your boyfriend concedes to the expectations of a Catholic marriage you are in for a lifetime of passive aggressive comments and hurtful actions (whether intentional or not) from his family.

You need to see the whole picture. You don’t just marry him, but rather his family to some extent. I love my husband dearly, and I would do it all over again but my in laws drive me batty. It is only by God’s grace they live 12+ hours away.

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[JackieMom]

My sister married a “non denominational Christian” and his pastor participated in the Catholic wedding. He stood with the priest and offered a reflection on the couple and a Bible passage. Still, the marriage was inside of a Catholic Church and the sacrament was witnesses by a priest. The minister was allowed to participate as a courtesy.

But please be very cautious with a mixed marriage. If your boyfriend is not 100% on board with a Catholic wedding and marriage, and 100% supportive of you raising the kids as exclusively Catholic, you are setting yourself up for a long and painful road.

 

[1ke]

You can attend the marriage prep classes at your parish. You can have a priest or deacon AND your boyfriend’s brother witness your vows in the Protestant church.

You would then be married “in the Church”. Your wedding would have both the priest (deacon) and the Protestant pastor.

May God bless you as you travel this road of discernment together.

If dispensed from form the priest/deacon does not receive/witness the vows. The deacon or priest might attend the marriage. They might even say a prayer or read reading, but they cannot receive the vows jointly with the non-Catholic minister. The Church is quite clear on this point.

 

[RoseMary131]

My boyfriend’s oldest brother is a pastor, and he hopes for his brother to marry us. This wouldn’t be fulfilling the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Catholic Church, and I explained that if we were to go this route, we could have our marriage convalidated, which to my surprise my boyfriend took great offense to. He doesn’t understand why the Church wouldn’t recognize a marriage outside of the Church as valid, and I’m not good at explaining this to him. Does any one have suggestions for me on how to proceed with all of this? A good explanation of convalidation? Suggestions on how we can compromise to meet both of our needs?

This is truly weighing heavy on my heart.

Hello again Erin,

Maybe you are really wanting the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony to begin your life as a married couple and not the process of convalidation.

To me, a person who is considering having their marriage convalidate, may have not been interested in actually receiving the Sacrament through the Church in the beginning. For example, the Catholic spouse may not have understood the Sacrament or maybe keeping the Catholic faith was not very important to them.

It sounds as if you do see an importance in beginning your marriage as a Sacrament and wish to follow Church teachings… You’re looking into your faith a bit more than you were raised learning.

Maybe God is using this time to really strengthen you, to place a strong desire in your heart for continuing on the path of His Holy Church.

God gives us graces through each of his Sacraments. When you were Baptized and Confirmed, those sacraments weren’t simply ceremonies, but they imparted graces upon you. Each time you receive the Sacraments of Holy Communion and Confession, you are again receiving graces upon your soul.

Your boyfriend receives graces through his Baptism.

We all receive graces each day, as we pray, as we read our Bible, etc. - but these graces are different than the graces we receive through God’s Graces within His Holy Church of His Sacraments.

Maybe the graces you continue to receive through the Sacraments of Communion and Confession give you this strong desire to want to receive the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony - which is obtainable through Christ’s Holy Church.

If you, a baptized Catholic, are married by a Protestant minister or through a Civil marriage, you have not married with the proper “form” of the Sacrament.

In a Sacrament we need the proper form and proper matter. In Holy Communion, the priest needs the proper matter in order for the Eucharist to become the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This means that the priest needs water and wine and the proper unleaven wheat bread. Then there is the proper form. This means the consecration is at Holy Mass offered by a validly ordain priest using the proper words of the Eucharistic prayers. If any part of the matter or form is absent, the Bread and Wine do not become the Body and Blood of Our Dear Lord.

“Communion” offered at a Protestant church is not the Sacrament of Holy Communion. It lacks the proper form and matter.

For a Baptized Catholic to marry, they are required to follow the proper form and matter of the Church teaching. While a Baptized Catholic can legally be married “outside the Church”, they are not validly married.

To be validly married, the baptized Catholic needs the proper matter in place: a bride and groom freely giving themselves to each other through their vows. The proper form for the Sacramental Marriage also needs to be present. The proper form means the Church representative needs to witness the exchange of vows. This is the priest or deacon.

If a Baptized Catholic marries outside the Church, they have a legal marriage with their spouse, but not a valid marriage. For them to have the marriage to become valid, they stand before the Church witness (the priest or deacon) - which is the proper form - and the bride and groom (proper matter) profess their vows. This becomes a Sacramental Marriage. The couple now receives the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony - along with the graces bestowed upon them through the Sacrament. This is the convalidation that you mentioned.

You most likely truly are desiring to begin with a valid marriage in the very beginning, meaning you want your marriage witnessed by a priest or deacon of the Catholic Church on the day of your wedding. As opposed to having only a legal marriage in a religious ceremony witnessed only by a Protestant pastor.

A Baptized Catholic married outside the Church should not be receiving Holy Communion. That is because sexual relations outside of the bonds of Matrimony is a mortal sin. One can not receive Holy Communion in the state of mortal sin. The Church does not recognize the marriage as valid, therefore the couple should not be sharing God’s beautiful gift of sexual relations which is reserved for married couples.

To get have your vows witnessed by your boyfriend’s brother only provides a legal marriage in a religious setting. You are obligated to be married by a priest or deacon as the proper witness of your vows.

You may want to ask your parish priest for an appointment to help you understand the Sacrament better. If there is a priest on your college campus, he may be very willing to sit with you and answer your questions. Later, you may want to bring your boyfriend to visit with the priest so he understands as well.

I’m sure your boyfriend is a wonderful Christian man. I think as you both understand the teachings of the Church a bit better, it will be easier for him to see the importance of you following your Church’s teaching on the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Pray with each other and for each other as you discern the importance of you following your own faith beliefs.

Blessings on both of you.

 

[RoseMary131]

If dispensed from form the priest/deacon does not receive/witness the vows. The deacon or priest might attend the marriage. They might even say a prayer or read reading, but they cannot receive the vows jointly with the non-Catholic minister. The Church is quite clear on this point.

I’m sorry, I must have understood incorrectly based on my friend’s daughter’s wedding. The couple attended the parish and diocese programs for marriage prep and the deacon attended the wedding at the Protestant church. My friend said her daughter had fulfilled the Church requirements for a valid marriage. I did not attend, so did not see the role the deacon had in the wedding ceremony.

Maybe Erin, the OP, can discuss this with her priest - bringing the Protestant minister into the Catholic ceremony with the priest or deacon witnessing their vows instead of bringing the Catholic priest to the Protestant ceremony.

 

[Erin_91]

Hello again Erin,

Maybe you are really wanting the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony to begin your life as a married couple and not the process of convalidation.

To me, a person who is considering having their marriage convalidate, may have not been interested in actually receiving the Sacrament through the Church in the beginning. For example, the Catholic spouse may not have understood the Sacrament or maybe keeping the Catholic faith was not very important to them.

It sounds as if you do see an importance in beginning your marriage as a Sacrament and wish to follow Church teachings… You’re looking into your faith a bit more than you were raised learning.

Maybe God is using this time to really strengthen you, to place a strong desire in your heart for continuing on the path of His Holy Church.

God gives us graces through each of his Sacraments. When you were Baptized and Confirmed, those sacraments weren’t simply ceremonies, but they imparted graces upon you. Each time you receive the Sacraments of Holy Communion and Confession, you are again receiving graces upon your soul.

Your boyfriend receives graces through his Baptism.

If you, a baptized Catholic, are married by a Protestant minister or through a Civil marriage, you have not married with the proper “form” of the Sacrament.

In a Sacrament we need the proper form and proper matter. In Holy Communion, the priest needs the proper matter in order for the Eucharist to become the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This means that the priest needs water and wine and the proper unleaven wheat bread. Then there is the proper form. This means the consecration is at Holy Mass offered by a validly ordain priest using the proper words of the Eucharistic prayers. If any part of the matter or form is absent, the Bread and Wine do not become the Body and Blood of Our Dear Lord.

“Communion” offered at a Protestant church is not the Sacrament of Holy Communion. It lacks the proper form and matter.

For a Baptized Catholic to marry, they are required to follow the proper form and matter of the Church teaching. While a Baptized Catholic can legally be married “outside the Church”, they are not validly married.

To be validly married, the baptized Catholic needs the proper matter in place: a bride and groom freely giving themselves to each other through their vows. The proper form for the Sacramental Marriage also needs to be present. The proper form means the Church representative needs to witness the exchange of vows. This is the priest or deacon.

If a Baptized Catholic marries outside the Church, they have a legal marriage with their spouse, but not a valid marriage. For them to have the marriage to become valid, they stand before the Church witness (the priest or deacon) - which is the proper form - and the bride and groom (proper matter) profess their vows. This becomes a Sacramental Marriage. The couple now receives the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony - along with the graces bestowed upon them through the Sacrament. This is the convalidation that you mentioned.

You most likely truly are desiring to begin with a valid marriage in the very beginning, meaning you want your marriage witnessed by a priest or deacon of the Catholic Church on the day of your wedding. As opposed to having only a legal marriage in a religious ceremony witnessed only by a Protestant pastor.

A Baptized Catholic married outside the Church should not be receiving Holy Communion. That is because sexual relations outside of the bonds of Matrimony is a mortal sin. One can not receive Holy Communion in the state of mortal sin. The Church does not recognize the marriage as valid, therefore the couple should not be sharing God’s beautiful gift of sexual relations which is reserved for married couples.

To get have your vows witnessed by your boyfriend’s brother only provides a legal marriage in a religious setting. You are obligated to be married by a priest or deacon as the proper witness of your vows.

You may want to ask your parish priest for an appointment to help you understand the Sacrament better. If there is a priest on your college campus, he may be very willing to sit with you and answer your questions. Later, you may want to bring your boyfriend to visit with the priest so he understands as well.

I’m sure your boyfriend is a wonderful Christian man. I think as you both understand the teachings of the Church a bit better, it will be easier for him to see the importance of you following your Church’s teaching on the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Pray with each other and for each other as you discern the importance of you following your own faith beliefs.

Blessings on both of you.

Thank you for your response. I think when I first posted this question, I didn’t fully understand the meaning of convalidation… I thought it was done validly. I DO desire to have a Catholic Marriage… through the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. But I thought there was a way for Catholics to obtain a marriage outside of the church where it is still valid from the very beginning (I thought this was what convalidation was, so I’m sorry for that mistake on my part). I just wanted something to approach my boyfriend with some sort of compromise so that his brother could still be involved in our marriage. I want to live out my life as a faithful Catholic, including raising my children as such. Many have said, “I don’t recommend entering into a mixed marriage.” My problem lies in that I am already deeply in love with this man, and can see myself with him for the rest of my life. It’s not an easy situation to walk away from. I have two very strong emotions pulling me in different directions.

 

[1ke]

But I thought there was a way for Catholics to obtain a marriage outside of the church where it is still valid from the very beginning (I thought this was what convalidation was, so I’m sorry for that mistake on my part).

There is. It is called dispensation from form.

My problem lies in that I am already deeply in love with this man, and can see myself with him for the rest of my life. It’s not an easy situation to walk away from. I have two very strong emotions pulling me in different directions.

All the more reason to be direct and straightforward in your expectations of marriage and family, including raising children in the Catholic faith.

We often avoid those things we are afraid to confront. You are afraid of what he will say. Will waiting longer change anything? No. It will just make it all that much harder to part ways if you in fact cannot reach an acceptable solution for marriage and family.

 

[Kensho]

I am married to a non-Catholic. If you go through with this, you have a rough road to travel in your married life and there will be problems you apparently aren’t even thinking of now. If you really feel called to do this, you need to at least discuss with him, preferably in the presence of a priest, what Catholic marriage means, from sexual intimacy (a big point of argument, do not underestimate this) to where you will be every Sunday, summer vacation or no, to how the children will be raised.

There are so many things Catholics don’t think about before they marry and that their priests don’t mention to them. You and your boyfriend need to talk these things through before you even think about moving ahead.

 

[1ke]

I am married to a non-Catholic. If you go through with this, you have a rough road to travel in your married life and there will be problems you apparently aren’t even thinking of now. If you really feel called to do this, you need to at least discuss with him, preferably in the presence of a priest, what Catholic marriage means, from sexual intimacy (a big point of argument, do not underestimate this) to where you will be every Sunday, summer vacation or no, to how the children will be raised.

There are so many things Catholics don’t think about before they marry and that their priests don’t mention to them. You and your boyfriend need to talk these things through before you even think about moving ahead.

I also know several people who married non-Catholics with the agreement to raise the children in the Catholic Church. That is, until actual children came along. Then the non-Catholic changed their mind and refused to let the children be baptized, go to Mass, etc. I have seen this really turn into a bad situation. People say a lot of things in the abstract. But when the real situation comes into play, I think it is different. I don’t think these people intended to be deceptive, but their own emotions took hold when they became a parent, the importance of their own faith and the realization of what they had promised and what that really meant came to the forefront.