Very interesting responses, and might I add most respectful. Thank you for being respectful in your elaborations. Like I said, currently I am seeking the diaconate. When I last talked to the ladies in charge of the diaconate program, which I find very strange for both to be elderly women, one told me that she was concerned more about me feeling called to the priesthood compared to having left the Church and returned. Though I understand their concern I told her that since I really didn’t understand the diaconate at the time I first wrote her I believe it was the diaconate I feel most called to because of the preaching and serving. Now I’m doubtful they’ll ever allow me to become a deacon simply because of my lack of catechesis at the time I told her, which was right after I reverted. I’ve always felt called to the diaconate, me entire life. I assumed it was the priesthood because I do feel called and since I didn’t know what a deacon was in my youth there were no other options.
Further, after leaving the seminary I never met any faithful practicing Catholic women in my age group that even attracted my attention. The ones I thought were faithful are no longer practicing Catholics. I assumed because of the non-existence of them that I must be called to the priesthood and told God many years ago that since He has not presented a faithful practicing Catholic woman that I will assume its the priesthood He is calling me to. That’s when I literally had a vision of my now wife, before I even met her. Talk about confusing me. God clearly called me to marry her. No one can convince me otherwise. The problem with it is that my faith in the Catholic Church leaders was seriously waivering because of the abuse scandals I personally knew about in the late 70’s and early 80’s. My wife’s family and congregation preacher quickly threw stumbling blocks that fit my previous Protestant beliefs. Long story. But then after I realized God was calling me to marry her I went to a priest to talk about it and his reaction was very harsh, maybe understandable as well. He told me that I’d have to obtain 3 dispensations. The 3rd was not my intention, but I knew my wife’s beliefs would most likely be an impediment for her parents to allow her to marry me. Long story short I left that office disbelieving these issues were still that practiced, since I was subjected to many dissenters growing up that told me the Church no longer taught this. I realized I had probably learned a bunch of lies as my faith. I realized/believed that in my conscience I was not Catholic at all. And because of my weak family structure I had no support system during a time I felt like I needed it most. Long story.
My fault was fill with a painful dissent because I didn’t know who to trust. So I went back to square one. I went to my wife’s church because they taught what I had always believed. What I discovered later on after moving down to San Antonio near my mom I discovered that the church I used to visit often was the same denomination as my wife. They also claim to be the one true church. Many times in my practicing their faith, I realized that they also had many problems and eventually I found myself trapped. Once I nearly drove off out of town to abandon my wife because I couldn’t explain how I felt called. I chose to stay so that my wife wouldn’t lose any possibility of converting one day should we discover together that the Catholic Church or Orthodox Church were really the one true Church founded by Christ. I felt betrayed by her, her family and her church. I felt that they were guilty of diceiving me similar how I felt betrayed by the Catholic Church. Of course many years later I figured it out and converted back to being Catholic. My wife’s experience at the same time converted her to the Catholic Church. She loves the Saints. And now our relationship, though difficult at times because of anxiety issues, is wonderful in comparison to our once stick it out no matter what, which we will continue to do because that was part of our church of Christ faith.
I’ve shared this with several priest to date and all of them have helped me understand this in a peaceful way, no judgments passed. Most of them understood and a few even said “I don’t blame you” or “no wonder you had such difficulty”.
