Catholic dating advice

[elvira2996]

Im not sure how to start this but i know i need help. I feel so lost… ive started going out with this guy who i have known since we were younger, btw, im 19 going on 20 and so is he. He just got out of a long time relationship ,where for a year he even lived with her… he is not catholic, not religious i guess at all. He came back to live with his father and go to school here, we started talking and it kind of just happened. I mean you can say that deep down we both had those tiny crushes on each other since we were little and i guess we just saw it as our time or oppurtunity to see if it can work. Anyways, my family is very catholic. Like orthodox conservative latin mass long dress wearing catholics. So you can say that my parents arent exactly thrilled with my decision on being with him because of his past. Also, he would be my first boyfriend… so im completly new at all this. Last night he stayed out with me just talking on the front porch and time flew so fast i didnt go inside till 11:30, then he called me oncehee got home, we ended up talking till 1 am. After i hung up my mom came and took my phone saying that i wasnt respecting myself because a decent girl doesnt do things like this. I understand kind of where shes coming from… also, he never really made it official exactly what our relationship was… to me its fine , i mean i dont want to come off too pushy and demand him to call me his gf, but at the same time i would really like to know where we stand… I realize these are things we need to talk about but with everything that has happened between him and his ex im scared of pushing him away with too many questions… but im trying. Also, me and my mom have never really had a good communication. I can never seem to find a way to say things to her because in all reality she has a habit of jumping to conclusions and being really judgemental. So i never really talk much about him to her, i just wouldnt know what to say. Everytime we have ever tried talking i end up crying or she does and yelling and its just not pretty. But anyways, she says that this boy has no real interest in me because he acts like my boyfriend but doesnt cal me his gf. Also, weve barely been together if thats what you want to call it for maybe a month,nwe both went out of town for a few weeks and so we were apart for a while… i mean, does having akiss make you both officially in a relationship? Am i really disrespecting myself by being with him? How can i get myself to feel ore open with my mom, i mean, she took my phone and has been going through all of our texts, i know shes my mom and has every right to do whatever but how can i ever get myself to trust her knowing she doesnt trust me. On the other hand…i dont really make it easy for her i know because were both equally stubborn and again, i can never find a way to have a normal converstaion with her… i keep thinking that maybe none of this is worth it. That maybe my mom is right and hes just looking for friend with benefits, someone to fool around with. But a part of me refuses to believe that… I have a terrible rebelious thing where i really want something especially when i know its wrong… i meanot exactly bad but having my mom be mad at me for all this just makes me want to stay with him. But then another oart of me wishes none of this ever happened because it causes even more tension between me and her. I really do like him, i cant say i love him because like i said its my first “relationship” and i just want to go …slow? Am i going too fast though, like i said its been not even a month, weve kissed held hands… i justdont know. Honestly i feel like this was more of a venting session than me asking for advice, but iwould really appreciate any thoughts, thanks

 

[pensmama87]

If you aren’t sure where you stand with this guy, ask him. Maybe he thinks you are talking and getting to know each other well and have been on a few dates, but that’s all (and that’s OK, by the way.) IMO it’s healthy and good to have a period of time where you’re just getting to know someone, and then you can decide as you get to know each other if you would be well suited to be more serious.

What would be your purpose in dating this guy? For Catholics, dating is a fun social activity but it’s also a way to find a spouse. If him sharing faith with you would be a big deal in a husband (and I would argue it should be), then you might have your answer right there as to whether or not you continue seeing him. No, his past doesn’t look good. Past isn’t everything, but you’re also only 19 and there’s a lot of time yet. There could be a lot going on with his background that would not make you a suitable match.

I also think you and your mom should figure out exactly what the parameters are as far as you dating, etc. You’re technically an adult but it sounds like you still live under your parents’ roof, which does give them some authority for how you live when you’re there. It can be an awkward time for everyone.

I think too at your age it’s a very good idea to begin thinking about how you will live independently and learn some essential life skills (or put them into practice on your own). Do you work? Do you go to school?

 

[elvira2996]

Hi thanks so much for answering, about the independence thing, im most likely going to live with them until i get married. Im Latina and thats just a cultural thing… I do work and help my parents out, honestly most of the money goes to them because i dont really need much. Im starting school in the fall so right now its just home, work, and the rare occassions that im off trying to spend time with him… ive asked mysef why i want to be with him alot. I really do like him, i enjoy talking to him and just being with him. But im scared that maybe im having some sort of savior complex and i want to change him…i dont think thats really the case but im so confused with all of this i just dont know. For the longest time i wanted to have a relationship, i didnt before because honestly i just didnt feel ready, there was some messed up stuffthat happened to me a long time ago that caused me i guess to shy away from all this, and now that hes here i feel like i just really want this to work. I know it sounds like maybe its only cus im scared of being alone and idk, maybe theres truth behind that, but i really do like him and everything just happened so …perfectly (ish) that i cant help but feel its right. That its our chance… Is it wrong to just want to try and see what happens

 

[Antegin]

Forget him, go find a guy who will help you grow in Christ.

1. 
   *]If he lived out of wedlock with one woman, what makes you think he’ll be faithful to you?
   *]You say nothing about his family. The way his father treats his mother and the fidelity he shows her will be a huge indicator of what kind of husband he’ll be.
   *]You’ll be happier by yourself than in a bad marriage.
   *]If you haven’t worked out your family relationships, you are not ready for marriage. How’s your Dad, I couldn’t help noticing you did not mention him
   
   .
   
   My thought would be, you need to spend major time in prayer, preparing for whatever call God has planned for you.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I see two conflciting relationships here.

One is with your Mom, the other this guy.

I would be a little concerned if after a while he doesn’t want to define the relationship. It’s not a big deal at first, but sometimes men and even women use this non-commitment attitude to date/have sex with other people without technically cheating while keeping you in the back-pocket.

With your Mom, at the very least, “her house, her rules,” as my “ex” would say.If you want to be a good Catholic in good standing, I would say that 1 am conversations are not the best idea.

I’m also concerned that he will have more influence on you than you on him. I’m not really sensing the striking strength from you post needed to change someone, which leads me to conclude that this man may not be the best match for you.

The prior advice of him not being a good match since he already lived with someone together without marriage is something I tend to agree with from what I have seen.

For one, you seem to be too “distracted” with your mother’s involvement.to put energy into changing him, and I just don’t see the type of personality in your case that could change him. If I am wrong on this, you’ll have to show me.

As such, I’m not a fan of Catholics especially women who are uncertain and not really headstrong dating more secular men. I’ve seen in my family/friends how they can drag people away from the Church. Even in today’s society that touts “equality”, the fact is men carry more influence on these sorts of things.

There was also a question posed about your father. If he’s not in the picture, that only adds to my concerns because if you don’t have that male authority figure in your life, I think it off-sets some things, even in small degrees, which can be problematic as you develop relationships with men. It’s something you need to be aware of.

 

[GreyWings]

You’re very young. A crush and kindling romance sounds exciting, right? But like the Taylor Swift song echoes, “it could go down in flames.” And the odds are, with your age, and that he isn’t of your faith, does not have Christ in his life, and also just broke up with someone else, it probably will.

Listen to your mother and run from this guy. Your mother loves you and is right to be concerned. Mothers just “know” and sense these things. She wants what God wants for you. Sure, this guy might seem like a dreamboat but seriously: do you want to be a rebound? Think about your worth here. He is not a Christian, and likely wants to get physical with you. It’s too soon. He had a girlfriend and it just ended, he isn’t ready for anything serious, whether he realizes it or not.

Any relationship worth being in has three in it: you, him, and God.

I think you should forget him and honor yourself by moving on.

 

[1ke]

I see two issues.

1. Boundaries with mom. You are not a child, you are almost 20. Confiscating your phone and going through your texts is inappropriate. The transition from child to adult is difficult for some parents. She needs to start learning some boundaries. If she is paying for the phone and feels this entitles her to do these things, then consider getting your own phone plan. You need space between the two of you, you need privacy, and you need respect as an adult. Do you have part time or full time employment?
2. The guy. It’s only been a month, you shouldn’t worry about being serious or “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Focus on the person, having fun, and also discerning whether this should remain at friends or move further-- his lack of religion is one serious issue that you will need to discuss.

 

[1ke]

With your Mom, at the very least, “her house, her rules,” as my “ex” would say

yes and no. This is a nearly 20 year old person. She should respect house rules, be courteous and let parents know where she is, and contribute to the household. She does not owe her mother access to her private life such as confiscating a phone and looking at personal emails/texts/messages.

If you want to be a good Catholic in good standing, I would say that 1 am conversations are not the best idea.

talking on the phone to someone at odd hours in NO WAY impacts one’s standing as a Catholic. Let’s get real here people.

For one, you seem to be too “distracted” with your mother’s involvement.to put energy into changing him, and I just don’t see the type of personality in your case that could change him. If I am wrong on this, you’ll have to show me.

No one should put energy into “changing” someone else, because you cannot change another. Only they can change themselves. What you can do is be a good example and perhaps spark an interest in new ideas, new ways of behaving, new beliefs in the other. What you can do is decide that perhaps a person is not a good fit for you because their beliefs and your beliefs are not compatible.

 

[JakeAugustine]

Please get out of this relationship ASAP! Your mother knows best and is trying to help you avoid entering into this relationship. When looking for a partner we should look for someone who will help lead us to heaven. Someone who will give everything they have for you to the point of laying down their life for you, just as Christ did for the Church. Is this young man the person to lead you to heaven? Are you two equally yoked as the scriptures tell us couples must be? If you answered no to any of those questions cut off the relationship ASAP and find a God fearing Catholic man who will walk to the foot of the cross with you.

 

[D3USVult]

While I don’t have much in the way of dating experience, my better judgement says to let him go. Reason being that he is not Catholic or even religious. He may not be a bad guy. I don’t know him, but are you seriously willing to risk your future happiness on someone who has not been brought up to treat marriage as a sacrament? If you are lonely and really want to be in a relationship I can definitely empathize. That said, I do believe that we tend to find the best things in life when we are not looking for them.

You can’t wish a good man into your life but here are some things that you can do.

1. Develop your prayer life: even a religious man wants his wife to be holier than him
2. Work out and stay physically active: this demonstrates self-discipline.
3. Work diligently and save your money as best you can: your husband will appreciate it if you can bring a little rainy day money to the equation.
4. Take the time to make yourself more attractive: I know this one tends to make Latin mass Catholics uncomfortable, but dressing and carrying yourself in way that is appealing to men is not necessarily tantamount to being immodest or slutty.
5. Develop a few hobbies: relationships are important, but there’s more to a complete human being than job and people.

I hope this helps somewhat. I know being with this guy feels good, but if you had enough doubt to ask about it on this forum then you probably should move on. God bless.

 

[annie17on12]

While reading your post I could help but see myself in your story. I had a time when there was a lot of tension between my father and I. It took some time and effort to iron out but it does get better if you try. It can be so hard being 19/20 and living with your parents. Just keep your eyes on Christ and he will guide you. And if you can keep some space between you and your mother, things might get better. I also suggest calm discussion but only after prayer.

As for the guy, now in my 20’s, I have dealt with a lot of dudes who I fell for but ended up being players. I thought they loved me but in reality they were just lusting over me. So, I would caution you to be very careful and to guard your heart. I didn’t and I ended up with a serious case of clinical depression which I am on meds for now.

I always suggest praying the rosary because it has been so powerful in my life. I will pray mine for you tonight! God bless dear!

 

[Jelrak_TB]

My suggestions:

1. Date with a purpose. It is too easy to fall into a bad relationship for fun only to find years of your life wasted when marriage was never a common goal.
2. Consider any future children. If you have both very different systems of belief it will come to a head when children become involved.
3. Bad habits are hard to break. If you plan on saving this man from his past behavior it most likely will not work. Why would you wish to purchase a broken car that you will have to continuously fix when a new model that is already in tune may be available for the same price?
4. The individual with more relationship experience may be considered to have the upper hand in your relationship. While this can be a good thing with an individual who might be willing and able to learn from past mistakes it can be a gamble to place yourself largely at their mercy as a first boyfriend.
5. Read about the temperaments in order to gain a better concept of how you and your mother think. It is not a perfect road map, but it will offer a great deal of insight into how to better communicate. You may wish to start with this book.

amazon.ca/The-Temperament-God-Gave-You/dp/1933184027

Good luck!

 

[Anglewannabe]

.If you want to be a good Catholic in good standing, I would say that 1 am conversations are not the best idea.

Being a Catholic has NOTHING to do with what time you have your conversations. . However, it is VERY disrespectful for a man to expect he can keep a woman on the phone so late and this applies to secular people as well. Mom was right in saying a woman who respects herself does NOT act like that

As for is he your boyfriend, when it gets to holding hands and kissing on the lips (not a friendly kiss on the cheek goodbye), yup, definitely a behaviour reserved for an exclusive boyfriend

Angie