Catholic Dating For Young Adults

[Im_a_Pepper]

Hey Everybody!

So this is my first forum post on this site. For the interest of full disclosure, I created this account so I can speak with like-minded (and faith driven) people when it comes to dating. A little about myself; I am 25, and despite a few hiccups in my devotion, I would like to consider myself a strict Catholic. I am finding it hard to speak with my friends and fellow mates when it comes to questions concerning dating. For the most part, very few of my friends are Catholic, and my friends who are Catholic do not observe the principle of “waiting for marriage”.

I have never been in a committed relationship (as I was really immature and selfish), but now I see myself yearning for the chance of meeting someone who can be instrumental in my spiritual and mental development and vise versa. It is easy for me to think back at my young adult life as selfish, and I have to view it unapologetically. I spent most of my time developing the skill set necessary to work in the field I work in. Working my way into a career field that I enjoy was my first priority, and I am incredibly thankful I went that route. Now that I am in a position where I am making steady advances in my career, I am very comfortable with the idea dating that may lead to marriage!

So where are all the women? LOL. I have just recently moved to a major city from a very small town. I have met soo many people, but I really haven’t met any I would like to date. Let me explain, I have a very easy going attitude and I am easily able to interact with others rather quickly. However when it comes to meeting single women, I tend to communicate with women who are the opposite of what I need and am looking for. I guess I purposefully do this because I know there will be no pressure of courting this person. It is what it is, meeting people and making friends.

I know this seems like very needless exposition but trust me, I need to set up my issue. Now many can argue whether or not my celibacy was a conscious choice. Trust me, I have heard very compelling arguments on both sides. Regardless, I am very happy that I have remained celibate and I know that there is a woman out there who has a similar mindset.

Now for the question…

How can I start dating virtuous women in a city I am unfamiliar with? I find it very creepy and kinda disrespectful to approach a woman and ask flat out if she is a virgin (no I have never done that). I understand that many will simply say “Church”. Nothing would make me happier than to find a great person to date at my local church, but when I think of all my lady friends who are Catholic, well… let’s just say they don’t share a lot of the Church’s views on sexuality.

I am very nervous of even trying online dating. I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to people to people interactions. I hate to make it seem like one’s virginity is a determining factor for dating, especially since there are many nice people out there who have made mistakes. On a personal note, the thought of someone that I am beginning to care deeply for with another man is a terrible thought, and one I would rather not have. I hope I do not come off as unreasonable, since I expect a woman to have similar feelings and expectations about me and my past.

So if you are still reading this long winded post of mine, I would love to ask where you met your significant other or spouse. And if you are single, what have you done to find people who share your beliefs.

Cheers!

 

[Ladygem]

Since you say you live in a big city, you could check to see if there’s a Catholic Underground group. I’ve never had the chance to go to one personally, but it sounds awesome. They start with confession, then vespers, then a homily, and some entertainment by a Christian band, then night prayers. The only reason I haven’t gone to one is because they finish around 11:00 which is after the last train back to the suburbs and I don’t want to be stranded in the city overnight.

 

[Dorothy]

Since you say you live in a big city, you could check to see if there’s a Catholic Underground group. I’ve never had the chance to go to one personally, but it sounds awesome. They start with confession, then vespers, then a homily, and some entertainment by a Christian band, then night prayers. The only reason I haven’t gone to one is because they finish around 11:00 which is after the last train back to the suburbs and I don’t want to be stranded in the city overnight.

Wow, that does sound good!

 

[Dorothy]

Hey Everybody!

So this is my first forum post on this site. For the interest of full disclosure, I created this account so I can speak with like-minded (and faith driven) people when it comes to dating. A little about myself; I am 25, and despite a few hiccups in my devotion, I would like to consider myself a strict Catholic. I am finding it hard to speak with my friends and fellow mates when it comes to questions concerning dating. For the most part, very few of my friends are Catholic, and my friends who are Catholic do not observe the principle of “waiting for marriage”.

I have never been in a committed relationship (as I was really immature and selfish), but now I see myself yearning for the chance of meeting someone who can be instrumental in my spiritual and mental development and vise versa. It is easy for me to think back at my young adult life as selfish, and I have to view it unapologetically. I spent most of my time developing the skill set necessary to work in the field I work in. Working my way into a career field that I enjoy was my first priority, and I am incredibly thankful I went that route. Now that I am in a position where I am making steady advances in my career, I am very comfortable with the idea dating that may lead to marriage!

So where are all the women? LOL. I have just recently moved to a major city from a very small town. I have met soo many people, but I really haven’t met any I would like to date. Let me explain, I have a very easy going attitude and I am easily able to interact with others rather quickly. However when it comes to meeting single women, I tend to communicate with women who are the opposite of what I need and am looking for. I guess I purposefully do this because I know there will be no pressure of courting this person. It is what it is, meeting people and making friends.

I know this seems like very needless exposition but trust me, I need to set up my issue. Now many can argue whether or not my celibacy was a conscious choice. Trust me, I have heard very compelling arguments on both sides. Regardless, I am very happy that I have remained celibate and I know that there is a woman out there who has a similar mindset.

Now for the question…

How can I start dating virtuous women in a city I am unfamiliar with? I find it very creepy and kinda disrespectful to approach a woman and ask flat out if she is a virgin (no I have never done that). I understand that many will simply say “Church”. Nothing would make me happier than to find a great person to date at my local church, but when I think of all my lady friends who are Catholic, well… let’s just say they don’t share a lot of the Church’s views on sexuality.

I am very nervous of even trying online dating. I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to people to people interactions. I hate to make it seem like one’s virginity is a determining factor for dating, especially since there are many nice people out there who have made mistakes. On a personal note, the thought of someone that I am beginning to care deeply for with another man is a terrible thought, and one I would rather not have. I hope I do not come off as unreasonable, since I expect a woman to have similar feelings and expectations about me and my past.

So if you are still reading this long winded post of mine, I would love to ask where you met your significant other or spouse. And if you are single, what have you done to find people who share your beliefs.

Cheers!

First of all pray for finding a suitable marriage partner…you may already be doing just that!

It would be good to go to meetings of the type where you are likely to meet like-minded people. Check out the bulletins, (or call those churches up and ask) to find out about what activities are available for single people in your age group. I’ve heard of many young people like you who long to meet someone who puts the Lord first and is firm in their faith.

“Theology on Tap” comes to mind. I am not a young person but I keep up with what is happening at the different parishes in my area. It is designed for young people like yourself, and perhaps someone here can tell you more about it.

Another thought…Are their Cursillo retreats, or something similar, for people of your age?

Prayers for your journey!

 

[1ke]

Well, yes, church is the logical place to find like minded women. However, you will need to narrow it down a little. Prayer group, rosary group, pro-life ministry, social concerns ministry… not just “church”. I suggest you join some groups with your own spiritual growth in mind. Many people I know who are now married met each other in our Young Adults group, but not just the social activiites-- several met in our bible study group.

Be sincere in where you direct your energy… i.e. don’t just join the prayer group to meet girls… but if prayer group is the place YOU feel comfortable for spiritual growth then perhaps you will meet a like minded woman there.

And, don’t be in a hurry, you are only twenty-five.

 

[siena_avila]

Hi, Pepper!

Women are everywhere! Even women with Catholic values. You just need time, patience, and investment.

DOs
Big city likely equals many universities. Look up their Web sites to see if they have grad and young professional groups.

Big city may mean many parishes. Experience different Masses at parishes in different neighborhoods.

Big city may mean many volunteering opportunities.

Big city may mean wonderful women you may never meet in daily life. Consider online dating more. Catholic sites have questions about practices. And as one-on-one interaction is important, you can manage e-dating at your preference and instead of weeks of messaging back and forth, ask out an interesting, agreeable woman to a safe coffee date.

For any of the above, choose them because there’s some spiritual aspect that appeals to you. And stick with them for a few times!

For the women of virtue in the pews but who are not “joiners,” consider the job networking approach. If you’ve naturally befriended a married/engaged couple, parish secretary, service coordinator, etc, casually mention you’re available and ask if there’s anyone they know who are willing to make a new friend.

That’s the key with any suggestion I or others give you. You have to be these women’s friend first. Get to know them socially for a while before entering into a relationship.

DON’Ts

• Be the event creeper. The one who flirts indiscriminately and inappropriately. Or follows a woman to the bus stop 9at night!) to ask for her number for a date (this really happened)
  -Perform public general acts of charity (giving a ride/walk home, spotting change, carrying heavy things) for one woman to the exclusion of another girl in the same situation. if you want to show special attention, call/email/message your intended privately.
• Ask a woman point blank if she’s a virgin. In time, in a committed relationship, when it is appropriate for you in your relationship, a conversation about current and future values (as opposed to specific past experiences) will tell you what you need to know.
• Be vague about your intentions.

Best of luck to you!

 

[chevalier]

Hey Everybody!

So this is my first forum post on this site.

Welcome!

I have never been in a committed relationship (as I was really immature and selfish)

I was immature and selfish too.

So where are all the women?

Everywhere. They just don’t wear a badge. You can either learn to identify them regardless or wear a badge yourself. Or perhaps both.

How can I start dating virtuous women in a city I am unfamiliar with? I find it very creepy and kinda disrespectful to approach a woman and ask flat out if she is a virgin (no I have never done that).

Try to loosen up on the virgin thing. I’m not saying, “give up.” It’s not fully up to you if can or cannot do that, forcing yourself could end up in just pretending, and lead to disaster. Just loosen up. Virginity does not guarantee morality. It is possible to do a whole lot of things (and commit a lot of mortal sins) without losing virginity in the technical sense. Then you also have the mind. Someone may have done nothing physical ever but still have a dirty mind.

On the other hand lack of virginity (and I’m not talking about things like invalid marriage or being a young widow or having fallen victim of someone else’s aggression, in which case one can’t question the morality of the person at all) does not necessarily preclude learning from the experience, having a conversion of heart, becoming virtuous.

You may perhaps be obsessing about the idea that you future partner may have been with someone else that way. If so, stop. Try to look more soberly, more rationally. If you actually conclude that you want someone with a total lack of previous experience and that you have a good reason to want that, then that’s a different situation from a stubborn obsession of course. It may very well be a legitimate choice.

I understand that many will simply say “Church”. Nothing would make me happier than to find a great person to date at my local church, but when I think of all my lady friends who are Catholic, well… let’s just say they don’t share a lot of the Church’s views on sexuality.

Being a church-goer or even actively involved in ministries does not guarantee sharing the Church’s views on sexuality. At some point you have to learn the information somehow. I tend to volunteer the relevant information on my views (that I share the views of the Church) and watch the response.

I am very nervous of even trying online dating.

One good thing to say about online dating is that, as long as the person is not lying, you often get your information up front. For example, if you join a Catholic site, it may require an answer to the question of premarital sex or contraception. It may require disclosure of previous marriages too.

I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to people to people interactions. I hate to make it seem like one’s virginity is a determining factor for dating, especially since there are many nice people out there who have made mistakes. On a personal note, the thought of someone that I am beginning to care deeply for with another man is a terrible thought, and one I would rather not have. I hope I do not come off as unreasonable, since I expect a woman to have similar feelings and expectations about me and my past.

Reasonable or not, I think it’s better to be with someone who shares your views on things which are important to you. Partner choice often has to do with personal taste and personal tastes aren’t necessarily guided by the objective gravity of sins or problems. For example, I could tolerate a number of moral problems more easily than a distaste for water and soap. And we all at least to some extent need to feel attracted, which is not the same as appreciating someone on a moral or professional level.

So if you are still reading this long winded post of mine, I would love to ask where you met your significant other or spouse. And if you are single, what have you done to find people who share your beliefs.

I have made profiles on dating websites. I have also scouted other people’s profiles to the point I recognise random faces pulled out of tens of thousands.

I have dropped the C-Bomb (offered an unsolicited statement of my Catholic beliefs). Initially, as a young and not very mature person, I did this with the explicit hope of scaring away those who would be scared away by it.

I am trying to stabilise my economic/professional/living/etc. situation in order to be more ready for marriage, should this become an issue. Right now I prefer to live at my mother’s (which she also seems to prefer or at least accept without a problem) and participate in the costs rather than paying a stranger several times more money for comparatively inferior living conditions (in addition to running up bills that a person living separately runs up higher than one person out of several living at the same address), needlessly eating away at my income (forget investing in my business, e.g. advertising/marketing expenses) and making me live far from my family and people I know. BUT if I find someone, become engaged, set a date, comes the time to get a house or appartment and have the spending power to afford it and foot all the bills on a consistent basis. Since I’m a self-employed freelancer (technically a business owner but let’s not laugh at my “office”), this means having to keep finding and retaining customers, which is a constant struggle. It can be more than enough to occupy my time, it is a job of itself. (Once when I was working past 2 or 3 a.m., the realisation came to me that I wasn’t doing it just to throw it at the feet of someone who wasn’t even prepared to treat me with basic courtesy. This was a useful thing.)

 

[chevalier]

Or follows a woman to the bus stop 9at night!) to ask for her number for a date (this really happened)

I’ve done “worse” things.

I actually smiled at a fellow passenger on the bus once and a conversation ensued. I eventually second guessed myself and jumped out of it to catch up with her. Ended up walking a long way and talking. This wasn’t taken ill perhaps because I was being sensitive and the other person was open-minded. She was probably the kindest and most civil woman (and in a great style at that, without being the slightest bit of snobbish about it) of all ladies I have approached. Unfortunately, it turned out she was a just about to be neonatologist who agreed with abortion. The thing died.

I’ve done a couple of other things in a similar vein that I won’t be mentioning at this time.

 

[sarahq]

I am your age and a Catholic woman… I’m not in a relationship and am not dating due to my discernment of a religious vocation. However I might say, try volunteering for a Catholic organization, such as a soup kitchen or hospital. I am doing that and have made some good Catholic friends that way. I would also encourage you to try online dating, as that would allow you to find other serious Catholics.

God bless!

 

[Norseman82]

Hey Everybody!

So this is my first forum post on this site. For the interest of full disclosure, I created this account so I can speak with like-minded (and faith driven) people when it comes to dating. A little about myself; I am 25, and despite a few hiccups in my devotion, I would like to consider myself a strict Catholic. I am finding it hard to speak with my friends and fellow mates when it comes to questions concerning dating. For the most part, very few of my friends are Catholic, and my friends who are Catholic do not observe the principle of “waiting for marriage”.

I have never been in a committed relationship (as I was really immature and selfish), but now I see myself yearning for the chance of meeting someone who can be instrumental in my spiritual and mental development and vise versa. It is easy for me to think back at my young adult life as selfish, and I have to view it unapologetically. I spent most of my time developing the skill set necessary to work in the field I work in. Working my way into a career field that I enjoy was my first priority, and I am incredibly thankful I went that route. Now that I am in a position where I am making steady advances in my career, I am very comfortable with the idea dating that may lead to marriage!

So where are all the women? LOL. I have just recently moved to a major city from a very small town. I have met soo many people, but I really haven’t met any I would like to date. Let me explain, I have a very easy going attitude and I am easily able to interact with others rather quickly. However when it comes to meeting single women, I tend to communicate with women who are the opposite of what I need and am looking for. I guess I purposefully do this because I know there will be no pressure of courting this person. It is what it is, meeting people and making friends.

I know this seems like very needless exposition but trust me, I need to set up my issue. Now many can argue whether or not my celibacy was a conscious choice. Trust me, I have heard very compelling arguments on both sides. Regardless, I am very happy that I have remained celibate and I know that there is a woman out there who has a similar mindset.

Now for the question…

How can I start dating virtuous women in a city I am unfamiliar with? I find it very creepy and kinda disrespectful to approach a woman and ask flat out if she is a virgin (no I have never done that). I understand that many will simply say “Church”. Nothing would make me happier than to find a great person to date at my local church, but when I think of all my lady friends who are Catholic, well… let’s just say they don’t share a lot of the Church’s views on sexuality.

I am very nervous of even trying online dating. I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to people to people interactions. I hate to make it seem like one’s virginity is a determining factor for dating, especially since there are many nice people out there who have made mistakes. On a personal note, the thought of someone that I am beginning to care deeply for with another man is a terrible thought, and one I would rather not have. I hope I do not come off as unreasonable, since I expect a woman to have similar feelings and expectations about me and my past.

So if you are still reading this long winded post of mine, I would love to ask where you met your significant other or spouse. And if you are single, what have you done to find people who share your beliefs.

Cheers!

Well, you may want to consider pitching a tent in front of a convent and see if anyone walks out with a suitcase…

 

[Kasenka]

Hi,
Well, as a 25 year old Catholic woman who actually cares about her faith, here’s my two cents. We are all hanging around wondering about where the single good guys are …Usually around the coffee and donut table after mass. But seriously, any pro life/ volunteer group is a good bet even if you end up meet older folks since they might just help you meet a friend or family member your age. Granted, this has yet to happen to me, but I hear it can happen. All of my Catholic friends either met their fiances either after mass, at a volunteer event, or in college. In any case, don’t give up, you aren’t alone! You don’t need to hang out outside a convent .

 

[chevalier]

Bottom line is:

single good girls are all hanging around wondering about where the single good guys are
single good guys are all hanging around wondering about where the single good girls are.

 

[CallMeCatholic]

Bottom line is:

single good girls are all hanging around wondering about where the single good guys are
single good guys are all hanging around wondering about where the single good girls are.

Amen, Hallelujah! This is the truth unfortunately!

 

[Im_a_Pepper]

Thank you all for the wonderful responses! Many made me think, and many made me nearly fall out of my chair laughing! There were many good points made, and many great points that I will definitely reflect on. I do realize that 25 is still a young age. I guess that I still have the small town america mind set of getting married, having a kid, owning a property, and saving for retirement by my age. I am slowly changing that mind set, but it isn’t easy.

I do appreciate how many have said that I may be making too big of a deal of one’s sexual history. And many have made good points. The way I see it, I have had many relationships that were never serious because I knew well of their history. And simply put, I couldn’t shake the idea of the person I was dating already gave themselves to another man. Please understand that I am not trying to be misogynistic, I expect people to have the same expectation for me. I just want to see that the person I am serious about dating will exhibit qualities I would want to see in my daughters. I know this mindset seems like jumping to gun a bit, but is how I have been raised.

I will update you all on different groups I have joined and different places I frequent, and most importantly I will do so with the utmost sincerity. After all, there is nothing worse than people coming to an open house just to eat the food… or something around those lines.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I’ve done “worse” things.

I introduced myself to my wife with the worst freestyle rap you will ever hear. I never thought of doing such a thing before or after that. I will take it as providence, because my wife still recalls it to this day and says that’s how she knew from the moment she met me that I was humble, funny and confident.

Admittedly, it was an engagement party and the beer had been flowing.

Nevertheless, advice to OP: try to limit the creep factor when possible.

 

[TraderTif]

So if you are still reading this long winded post of mine, I would love to ask where you met your significant other or spouse. And if you are single, what have you done to find people who share your beliefs.

Cheers!

I totally know what you mean - I didn’t have a relationship (or even a date!!) of any sort, till I was 28, because it seems downright impossible to find young, practicing Catholics.

But…then I had my first date…with a wonderful man I met right here on the CAF. (Sure, I had to travel 1000 miles to see him, but whaddya want??)

2 years later…the wedding is coming up, in June.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Focusing so heavily on whether or not a woman is a virgin is not healthy. Neither is automatically disqualifying non-virgins. You have done some horrible things in your life, I’m sure. Probably some things that hurt others very much. If you have gone to confession, moved past the sin, and done your best to set things right would it be a smart decision for a woman to automatically disqualify you, even though you have everything she’s looking for and you get along wonderfully? What if everyone did that? I’ll tell you this much, there would be a lot of single people out there.

Catholics value repenting so much that its a sacrament. Furthermore, you’re looking for a woman to love the way that Christ loved the church, right? Think about that.

There’s a quote that comes to mind here, it’s from Dr. Russell D. Moore:

“You are not “owed” a virgin because you are. Your sexual purity wasn’t part of a quid pro quo in which God would guarantee you a sexually unbroken man. Your sexual purity is your obligation as a creature of God. And you have rebelled at other points, and been forgiven. If you believe the gospel, you believe the gospel for everyone, and not just for yourself.”

Also from Dr. Moore:
“Jesus was a virgin. His bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.”

I think that this link will help you out. A young woman wrote in asking how to find out about a date’s sexual history. Dr. Moore gave a lot of good insight from a Christian perspective.

russellmoore.com/2010/03/10/how-much-do-i-need-to-know-about-my-potential-spouses-sexual-past-my-response/

 

[Norseman82]

Focusing so heavily on whether or not a woman is a virgin is not healthy. Neither is automatically disqualifying non-virgins. You have done some horrible things in your life, I’m sure. Probably some things that hurt others very much. If you have gone to confession, moved past the sin, and done your best to set things right would it be a smart decision for a woman to automatically disqualify you, even though you have everything she’s looking for and you get along wonderfully? What if everyone did that? I’ll tell you this much, there would be a lot of single people out there.

I know you are atheist and, judgiing from your screenname, a female, so all I can say is, unless you are a male virgin yourself, you would not be able to understand.

If you have gone to confession, moved past the sin, and done your best to set things right would it be a smart decision for a woman to automatically disqualify you, even though you have everything she’s looking for and you get along wonderfully?

…

Catholics value repenting so much that its a sacrament.

The same can be said about someone who committed pedophilia in the past, but would you hire one to babysit any kids you have?

There’s a quote that comes to mind here, it’s from Dr. Russell D. Moore:

“You are not “owed” a virgin because you are. Your sexual purity wasn’t part of a quid pro quo in which God would guarantee you a sexually unbroken man. Your sexual purity is your obligation as a creature of God. And you have rebelled at other points, and been forgiven. If you believe the gospel, you believe the gospel for everyone, and not just for yourself.”

Also from Dr. Moore:
“Jesus was a virgin. His bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.”

I think that this link will help you out. A young woman wrote in asking how to find out about a date’s sexual history. Dr. Moore gave a lot of good insight from a Christian perspective.

russellmoore.com/2010/03/10/how-much-do-i-need-to-know-about-my-potential-spouses-sexual-past-my-response/

Dr. Moore is not a Catholic, but a Baptist. Catholic teaching is that not all sins are equal; in fact, in 1 Corinthians, fornication is set aside in its own class of sin.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I know you are atheist and, judgiing from your screenname, a female, so all I can say is, unless you are a male virgin yourself, you would not be able to understand.

The same can be said about someone who committed pedophilia in the past, but would you hire one to babysit any kids you have?

Dr. Moore is not a Catholic, but a Baptist. Catholic teaching is that not all sins are equal; in fact, in 1 Corinthians, fornication is set aside in its own class of sin.

So what you’re saying is that a good, devout, loving Catholic woman would be forever and irredeemably ruined for you if she made the mistake of premarital sex, no matter how sorry she was? That strikes me as very self-righteous and sad.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

With all due respect, BlueEyedLady’s comments more accurately reflects how my husband regarded my past (back when he was still a virgin and we were unmarried) than Norseman’s (who could be presumed is currently a virgin?)

As we moved forward in our discernment for marriage, he acknowledged that since I’d been to confession, there was nothing left for him to forgive, and he’d look forward instead of backward. He already decided he loved me. I loved him enough that my previous lapse of judgement and sin weren’t going to become his. A little bit of a forgiving attitude, a little bit of a sacrificial attitude and here we are nearly 10 years later, enjoying the graces of marriage and frequent reception of the sacraments and still practicing sacrifice and forgiveness and trying to get each other into heaven.

LilPepper, while we can discuss broadly how we as the faithful should behave (and we really should) it’s really hard to know what will be make or break for you and your intended until you’re actually considering an individual you genuinely care about and are trying to discern God’s will for you.