Catholic Dating - looking for input

[xrandom66x]

Hey everyone! I wand to get your (name removed by moderator)ut on the stages dating, particularly from you who have gone through it successfully and are now married, young adults.

First, a bit about me: I am 25 male, finishing up college in engineering, and a pretty traditional Catholic. I tend to base decisions more off of logic than emotions. I’ve dated 2 times before, both of which ended after a few months because once the warm fuzzies wore off, we just didn’t mesh well and I couldn’t see myself marrying them and so didn’t waste anymore time. Also I’ve grown in single life, as it’s been about 3 years in between each girlfriend, and as of right now I am in a position that I’m ready for the next stage of life. I have a good balance of prayer life, work life, school life, and social life. I also accept every teaching of the Church regarding faith and morals and try to keep to them as much as I can, particularly premarital sex: I won’t do it and would rather wait when it will be so much better in the boundaries of marriage.

K so now that all that is established, here is my current situation: I recently started dating this girl. We are a little over 1 month in now. Things are going really well so far. We connect on so many things and are developing a really good friendship (we didn’t know eachother before dating - thank you online dating haha). When we became exclusive, we agreed to limit the physical touch, despite it being both of our love languages, because we always want to know eachother personally more than physically if that makes sense. So no kissing, and probably won’t for a while. We are both very open with eachother and aren’t afraid of talking about stuff like this.

Anyways, all that being said, we have been spending a lot of time recently with eachother, despite living about an hour and a half away. From my past experience, again, We are trying to not jump in too fast and so are slowing down a little bit. It helps since we’re both pretty busy anyways. From what I’ve gathered, she is different from any other girl I’ve ever had an interest in. And I know that God has someone perfect waiting for me, so I’m fine with being patient and taking our time, despite naturally wanting to jump all in.

But my question for you all is, what does a relationship that leads to a healthy marriage look like, particularly in terms of speed of a relationship? I’ve never made it past 3 or 4 months, so leading up to that mark, I don’t really know how fast we should get to know eachother. And I know every relationship is different. I just want to know what other people have experienced. So what has been your experiences?

 

[1ke]

Yes, it is very individual.

I think it is about exploring goals and vision for the future, discussing the practicalities of family life and expectations, and experiencing the other within the context of family life. Their family of origin and yours, holidays, etc. how you each handle stress.

For some people that takes more time than others. One friend knew after spending 3 days with her husband (I was there, they seriously knew each other for 3 days) then wrote letters while he was deployed in the Navy for 6 months and then got married… and have been married 25 years. My old roommate dated her husband for 5 years before they got married and they have been married 22 years.

That said, for me we met and talked for 6 months before we met in person (we met online through Ave Maria and lived across the country – so had a lot of logistics). We then dated 10 months, got engaged, and married 8 months later. We’ve been married 12 years.

 

[angell1]

Hey everyone! I wand to get your (name removed by moderator)ut on the stages dating, particularly from you who have gone through it successfully and are now married, young adults.

First, a bit about me: I am 25 male, finishing up college in engineering, and a pretty traditional Catholic. I tend to base decisions more off of logic than emotions. I’ve dated 2 times before, both of which ended after a few months because once the warm fuzzies wore off, we just didn’t mesh well and I couldn’t see myself marrying them and so didn’t waste anymore time. Also I’ve grown in single life, as it’s been about 3 years in between each girlfriend, and as of right now I am in a position that I’m ready for the next stage of life. I have a good balance of prayer life, work life, school life, and social life. I also accept every teaching of the Church regarding faith and morals and try to keep to them as much as I can, particularly premarital sex: I won’t do it and would rather wait when it will be so much better in the boundaries of marriage.

K so now that all that is established, here is my current situation: I recently started dating this girl. We are a little over 1 month in now. Things are going really well so far. We connect on so many things and are developing a really good friendship (we didn’t know eachother before dating - thank you online dating haha). When we became exclusive, we agreed to limit the physical touch, despite it being both of our love languages, because we always want to know eachother personally more than physically if that makes sense. So no kissing, and probably won’t for a while. We are both very open with eachother and aren’t afraid of talking about stuff like this.

Anyways, all that being said, we have been spending a lot of time recently with eachother, despite living about an hour and a half away. From my past experience, again, We are trying to not jump in too fast and so are slowing down a little bit. It helps since we’re both pretty busy anyways. From what I’ve gathered, she is different from any other girl I’ve ever had an interest in. And I know that God has someone perfect waiting for me, so I’m fine with being patient and taking our time, despite naturally wanting to jump all in.

But my question for you all is, what does a relationship that leads to a healthy marriage look like, particularly in terms of speed of a relationship? I’ve never made it past 3 or 4 months, so leading up to that mark, I don’t really know how fast we should get to know eachother. And I know every relationship is different. I just want to know what other people have experienced. So what has been your experiences?

there’s not going to be a specific answer for you about that. it depends on you and her and your personalities.

for me, I’m naturally introverted, it takes me much more time to warm up to someone and get to know them. so those “know the person for 3 days and get married 3 months later” scenarios really freak me out. I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, and it certainly can work in some cases, like 1KE’s example. but I think the vast majority of situations where things go wrong is because of rushing too quickly and not knowing the person enough before making a commitment.

generally, and there are plenty of exceptions to this, but it usually takes a couple years or so for the whole process of dating and marriage to happen, so I would say take your time if it’s only been a month or so.

on the other hand, if you find yourself a few years in to it and things are just not going anywhere, this is not a good thing either and may require you to rethink the whole situation, but you are not there yet and maybe never will be

 

[xrandom66x]

Yeah no we are gonna take our time before that talk happens, it’s just getting to know eachother right now. In the original post, I’m not talking about how soon to discuss the future. I’m speaking more to the fact that we’ve been seeing eachother quite frequently: either talked on the phone or met in person for a few hours each day for the past 6 days. Seems like a bit much, but then again we won’t see eachother for another week from now because of busy schedules. Plus we won’t see eachother most of the summer anyways.

I’m not asking when you had those types of conversations. I’m asking how often you saw eachother, talked on the phone, etc. I suppose I’m not so much trying to compare us to you, rather I’m simply curious as to what you all have experienced.

 

[edwest2]

For me, attraction occurs, followed by friendship and dating. Good communications will always carry you through, including after marriage. Once we’ve grown to trust each other, the young lady and I discuss personal interests, problems and so on. She may not like everything I like and I may not like everything she likes. But the things we like should be good, morally, for both of us. You should enjoy each other’s company no matter what you are doing. You’ll know, intuitively, where the two of you are in the relationship as it continues.

Don’t rush anything. Getting to know another person takes time. And either one of you may have personal issues, including hurts, past bad experiences and things going on in your lives that are causing you to feel a little emotional at times. Talk about it. Some issues may not require anything more than time to heal.

I found that both should have a strong work ethic and a good head on your shoulders.

Family. My last girlfriend had family issues but they were mild. It may not be the case for either of you, but as long as things are relatively amicable, that should not be a hurdle. If not, you or she may experience difficulties and those difficulties should be dealt with in a calm, appropriate way, if possible.

Companionship is a desirable thing. Being practical is also desirable since living within your means, and even saving a little money, are good things. For example, if one or both are drawn to a certain type of lavish lifestyle that is beyond your means, it would be wise to reconsider marriage if it reaches that point. Just be honest with each other. I’ve known a few young ladies who got married and felt that things would change somehow. One divorced about a year later, the other I’ve lost contact with.

A good relationship with parents on both sides should be the case. It may not be possible but I hope it is. Sometimes, there are differences between parents and their children. I say make each others parents a part of the picture should things get serious.

Finally, both of you may have quirks, habits or even “unspoken until it happens” expectations of each other. In other words, my last girlfriend automatically assumed I would help her solve some simple problem without using the words “Can you help me
with… .?”

She loved God. I felt that God had brought us together. God should be part of your relationship wherever it goes.

As far as signs of affection, like kissing, I don’t know how long I waited, but I waited. Otherwise, it was limited to hugs and smiles. Sometimes, she would put her arm around mine. We talked on the phone on a regular basis.

Hope this helps,

Ed

 

[1ke]

Yeah no we are gonna take our time before that talk happens, it’s just getting to know eachother right now. In the original post, I’m not talking about how soon to discuss the future. I’m speaking more to the fact that we’ve been seeing eachother quite frequently: either talked on the phone or met in person for a few hours each day for the past 6 days. Seems like a bit much, but then again we won’t see eachother for another week from now because of busy schedules. Plus we won’t see eachother most of the summer anyways.

I’m not asking when you had those types of conversations. I’m asking how often you saw eachother, talked on the phone, etc. I suppose I’m not so much trying to compare us to you, rather I’m simply curious as to what you all have experienced.

My now DH and I talked on the phone or emailed almost every day for 6 months before we met. Well, maybe the first month was emails back and forth, but then we started talking on the phone regularly… back in the stone ages before Skype. Hard to believe that 14 years ago none of that existed. Oh well, at least we had email.

Since we lived across the country from each other, we didn’t see each other in person much at all. We were older than you are right now, so already being out on our own, owning our own homes, and with my work I had a ton of frequent flyer miles-- so we saw each other every month or every other month in person, for at least a weekend if not longer. So, for example, in February I flew to his location for about 5 days the first time we met in person. In March he flew to mine for a weekend. In April I was back in his location for 3 days. In June or July (can’t remember) I traveled for a week… then at Labor Day he visited me, etc…

We first started corresponding in Aug 2003, we got engaged Dec 2004, and we married Aug 2005. So, all total, 2 years. But, there were a LOT of logistics involved since we were 1800 miles away from each other.

 

[Ridgerunner]

But my question for you all is, what does a relationship that leads to a healthy marriage look like, particularly in terms of speed of a relationship? I’ve never made it past 3 or 4 months, so leading up to that mark, I don’t really know how fast we should get to know eachother. And I know every relationship is different. I just want to know what other people have experienced. So what has been your experiences?

I have been married a long time, so I don’t know that I have much to off you. But all the same, I’ll tell you how I saw it back when my wife and I met and how I see it now.

We did not like each other at all when we first met. I was a rather vain young man, and I guess I acted like it. I had been around a lot and had had a lot of women in my life. She was and is a pretty outspoken person, and she kept taking shots at me, verbally, embarrassing me in front of others at a party. I did, of course, notice that she was very attractive, but my resentment managed to overcome that, so I took verbal shots at her in response.

Finally, I went up to her and asked her to stop cutting me down. She agreed she would if I would stop being so vain and playing such a role toward other women there. I agreed. We talked a bit more and somehow ended up agreeing to be each other’s “confidant”. We agreed that we had no other relationship but that thereafter we could each talk to the other in complete honesty and confidence. And we did. We didn’t have to agree on everything or even approve of everything about the other, but we would be accepting, no matter what. We dated others, but nothing could ever quite replace that “confidant” relationship. Eventually we realized we loved each other and belonged together. We agreed we would get married.

How long did all of that take? About six months. Well, I’ll add that we were and are both Catholic and firmly so, despite the peccadillos on my part. I was no saint, but I knew where the confessional was.

And as I said, I don’t have much to offer a young man in the way of advice about such things, but I will say that if you and this young lady have developed or will develop a relationship of real confidence, real openness and acceptance, a kind of exclusive alliance of genuineness, then you ought to swim through an ocean of fire if it came to it in order to get her to marry you.

Oh, in order to address your last question, we saw each other sporadically for maybe a month or two. But as our relationship grew, we saw each other almost daily, or at least talked on the phone. We became inseparable after awhile. We just wanted to be together all the time. But after we agreed to marry, we had a period of about nine months during which we lived in different cities and didn’t see each other very often. But I doubt a day went by when we didn’t talk on the phone. I probably drove 500 miles to her city and back about once/month until we married. Sometimes that 1,000 miles was a turnaround trip for a single day. It takes a lot of incentive to drive 500 miles, visit for part of a day and drive another 500 miles again. But I had the incentive, and besides, I was young. We did meet in a city in the middle a couple of times too. But she had to fly there, so money was a constraint.

 

[AdamP88]

Well…I proposed to my wife only 8 or 9 months after meeting her for the first time. I was sure she was the woman I wanted to marry. We got on very well together and we both shared the same hopes and dreams. We never have run out of things to talk about and our relationship just always felt very natural and comfortable. One important element of a relationship is that you shouldn’t be afraid to show your true self to the other.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to put a time constraint on these things as every couple is different. My only advice is that it’s probably better not to let it run on too long before proposing.

 

[Rose71]

Advice from my parents, who have just celebrated 50 years of marriage is that the ‘right’ person is someone you feel completely at ease with. You feel absolutely comfortable being yourself, without the need to worry about what they meant when they said X or what they might have thought when you did Y.

Ironically, that removes a lot of the jitters and drama that comes with ‘true love’ on TV and in books, so it’s easy to think it’s all too straightforward and pleasant to be real love!

I used to be a bit of a drama-seeker in relationships (subconsciously) because I’d been close to a few men with serious red flags and because I knew deep down they weren’t right for me, but I was lonely and really wanted to find a husband, I ended up feeling ridiculously elated when they called, or spoke to me and really flat and empty when I though of not seeing them again. Eventually, I started to associate that rollercoaster of emotion with ‘being in love’ when really I was totally kidding myself.

When DH and I were dating and I had a bit of a confidence wobble, a male colleague dragged me off for a chat and asked how my (now) DH made me feel. I said, trying to be totally honest, “well, it’s just like being by myself, only better”. I expected him to tell me to finish it there and then, but a big grin spread across his face - he banged his fist on the table and said, “You’ve just summed up what finding The One should be like! You don’t have to be anyone but yourself…but it’s better than being by yourself! Marry him!!!”