Catholic Dating Standards

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I cannot stand it when Catholic men expect their girlfriends or wives to be a virgin. It rubs me the wrong way. As a woman, if I want to have children and get married, I doubt I will find a man my age or older who is a virgin. Some people say do not lower your standards. While others say be realistic,
 
Everyone has a right to desire what they’d like in a girlfriend who could be a potential spouse and that includes Catholic Men.

Mary.
 
MaryT777 said:
Everyone has a right to desire what they’d like in a girlfriend who could be a potential spouse and that includes Catholic Men.

Mary.
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Seems reasonable to me. When seeking a life long spouse, women have a right to desire what they want and men have a similar right to desire what they want. They may not be able to fulfill their wish, but I don’t see why they cannot desire to find what they are looking for?
 
So if a man has remained chaste before marriage it is unreasonable for him to want his wife to have remained chaste also? Perhaps a Catholic man shouldn’t also want his future bride to be Catholic? If background makes no difference then why have any preference at all?

My wife and I were both virgins before we started dating and we grew up in the late 80s and early 90s. My two oldest have both told me they plan to be chaste until marriage also (they are 17 and 20). Should it be a deal breaker, not if the person regrets a bad decision. On the other hand if my son or daughter told me they were dating someone that had had 8+ partners in the past and though premarital sex was no big deal then yes it would raise alarm bells.

None of us are perfect, but that doesn’t mean we should just say nothing from a potential spouse’s past matters.
 
When I dated women with the intent of marriage, I was more interested in their present than their past. That is, who is someone now; not who they used to be.
 
kkollwitz said:
When I dated women with the intent of marriage, I was more interested in their present than their past. That is, who is someone now; not who they used to be.
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Which is your right. That doesn’t mean that is true for everyone. I know someone who thought it wouldn’t matter, but it ate him up inside knowing all the men his girlfriend had been with. We all all wired differently.
 
kkollwitz said:
When I dated women with the intent of marriage, I was more interested in their present than their past. That is, who is someone now; not who they used to be.
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You have every right to do this. But IMHO, others have a right to do things somewhat differently. It is going to be a spouse for a whole lifetime, so what is wrong with being choosy?
 
CRATUS said:
I cannot stand it when Catholic men expect their girlfriends or wives to be a virgin. It rubs me the wrong way. As a woman, if I want to have children and get married, I doubt I will find a man my age or older who is a virgin. Some people say do not lower your standards. While others say be realistic,
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Really? I can’t imagine why that would rub you the wrong way. I would love more men to value chastity in their girlfriends and prospective wives, and if they want to value it to the point that they expect it of a wife, then so be it (assuming they aren’t applying a double standard, where they don’t practice what they preach).

I hope to find a husband who respects and values the choice I’ve made not to have sex before marriage. Given my age, I think it unlikely I’ll find one who has made the same decision I have and it isn’t a deal breaker for me as long as he respects my choice, but I would be thrilled to come across more who do value chastity as a virtue.
 
CRATUS said:
I cannot stand it when Catholic men expect their girlfriends or wives to be a virgin. It rubs me the wrong way. As a woman, if I want to have children and get married, I doubt I will find a man my age or older who is a virgin. Some people say do not lower your standards. While others say be realistic,
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Would it bother you if the same men dated women and treated them with respect and were chaste as well?

Would it bother you if a man wanted to marry a non-smoker because he was a non-smoker?
Maybe it’s because you think he’s a smoker but he wants his girlfriend not to be a smoker? The double standard?

Rather than let it bother you, give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he is remaining chaste himself and dates like that as well with no sexual pressure on his dates. Extend that charity to him and give yourself some peace since it really doesn’t impact your life at all who these men wish to date. You are free to date who you want after all. No one is making the decision for you, thankfully.
 
PennyinCanada said:
Would it bother you if the same men dated women and treated them with respect and were chaste as well?

Would it bother you if a man wanted to marry a non-smoker because he was a non-smoker?
Maybe it’s because you think he’s a smoker but he wants his girlfriend not to be a smoker? The double standard?

Rather than let it bother you, give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he is remaining chaste himself and dates like that as well with no sexual pressure on his dates. Extend that charity to him and give yourself some peace since it really doesn’t impact your life at all who these men wish to date. You are free to date who you want after all. No one is making the decision for you, thankfully.
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When I was younger, I thought it if I did not have sex, a man would not like me. Now if I did have sex, he still will not. That is what it sounds like to me. I guess I always felt as a woman, I should not be too picky with men. I feel like women are told to be realistic with men — they most likely will not remain chaste, but men are allowed to have standards.
 
CRATUS:

I think some men are just way too picky. I was on one of the Catholic online dating sites, and quite a few of the ladies would tell me that there were a few men who would pass them up because they didn’t wear a dress every day. There were also others who were in their mid-40’s and wouldn’t give a girl over the age of 32 the time of day. The men in these examples need to wake up and smell the Folgers or the Maxwell House.

IMHO, I would think most women over 30 today probably are not virgins, as most men 30 and over today are not. I do know in my circle of co-ed friends that quite a few had wished they had waited for Mr. or Mrs. Right, and many have repented and committed themselves to chastity. Today, quite a few dioceses advise men to have been celibate for at least two years prior to entering seminary - I don’t know about women entering a religious order.

It does become more of a challenge to remain celibate when you are a little older. Years ago, I had a girlfriend who had her own house and I would make sure not to stay over too late and drive home - it was a challenge to resist temptations when we were alone, but we did it. There has to be some level of boundaries, and not putting her in a position where neighbors will say something - a girl will appreciate that.

CRATUS, I have friends who are now married with children, and while remaining chaste was a challenge during dating/courtship, my friends say it was well worth it. I have a brother who is recently married, and he said at there Engaged Encounter Weekend that he and his fiancee were one of the few couples present who was not playing house - this is a serious issue in our Church, and some of the Engaged Encounter retreats are working to address this more. I also know some couples who played house before walking down the aisle, and even out of the couples who are still married, many will say that playing house beforehand was a mistake.

CRATUS, if a man is overlooking you because he is labeling you that way, he is missing out on a good person. Like one poster said, the present day matters more than the past.
 
hwriggles4 said:
I think some men are just way too picky…
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Many women are the same. But there is no law that says that a man has to marry a particular person who does not meet his qualifications. I don’t think it is a mortal sin for a man or woman to wait until he or she finds someone who he or she believes is suitable for a lifelong relationship.
 
Tomdstone said:
Many women are the same. But there is no law that says that a man has to marry a particular person who does not meet his qualifications. I don’t think it is a mortal sin for a man or woman to wait until he or she finds someone who he or she believes is suitable for a lifelong relationship.
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Nothing wrong with having standards. I do think some people have became snobs because of it. Some people act like if a woman has had sex before, she is somehow tainted. I understand a male virgin wanting to marry a female virgin. If the tables were turned, at my age, if I were to say I wanted to marry a male virgin I would never find one. It would not happen. I am not sure why virginity is such a deal-breaker for some people. Maybe I am just taking it the wrong way. At my age, I am being realistic to expect a man to not be a virgin. Besides, I am no Angel either.😉 If a woman had the same standards that some men have, they would never find anyone ever. Women are taught to be more realistic with their standards.
 
CRATUS said:
Nothing wrong with having standards. I do think some people have became snobs because of it. Some people act like if a woman has had sex before, she is somehow tainted. I understand a male virgin wanting to marry a female virgin. If the tables were turned, at my age, if I were to say I wanted to marry a male virgin I would never find one. It would not happen. I am not sure why virginity is such a deal-breaker for some people. Maybe I am just taking it the wrong way. At my age, I am being realistic to expect a man to not be a virgin. Besides, I am no Angel either.😉 If a woman had the same standards that some men have, they would never find anyone ever. Women are taught to be more realistic with their standards.
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Sorry, I am trying to say this charitably, but I don’t believe you. I think that there are plenty of divorced men with annulled marriages and others in failed non-marital relationships who would not object to marrying someone who is not a virgin.
 
Tomdstone said:
Sorry, I am trying to say this charitably, but I don’t believe you. I think that there are plenty of divorced men with annulled marriages and others in failed non-marital relationships who would not object to marrying someone who is not a virgin.
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I am not explaining myself correcting. If a woman was a virgin at 26 and expected to marry her age or older who is still virgin like her, most people would tell her to be realistic with her standards. As for a man, it is still realistic.
 
Personally, I have no problem with dating or marrying a non-virgin woman.

My concern, is, of course, being a virgin myself. Not that I hope to lose my virginity before marriage, but there is a pressure, albeit a lesser one, for males as well.
 
CRATUS said:
I am not explaining myself correcting. If a woman was a virgin at 26 and expected to marry her age or older who is still virgin like her, most people would tell her to be realistic with her standards. As for a man, it is still realistic.
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I don’t see what can be done to change the situation.
 
CRATUS said:
Well I guess nothing. Maybe I am just envious men do not have to settle.
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Sometimes life is unfair to some people, whereas others have it easier. Some children are born into families where the husband and wife are arguing constantly and the terrible things that they see and hear have a psychological impact on them for the rest of their lives. Others are born into families with loving and caring parents who teach them well. Some are born poor, others are born rich. Some are able to afford the top universities, others cannot afford these schools, even with the scholarships offered.
So what can be done when we see something which is not fair. I guess we have to bear our cross, and realize that our suffering is small compared to what many other unfortunate people have to suffer. Still there are many opportunities to meet wonderful people.
 
CRATUS said:
Well I guess nothing. Maybe I am just envious men do not have to settle.
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It’s true that it’s not an equal standard. Again, I’m sure there are quite a few religious men (myself included) who are fine with courting and marrying a non-virgin. It’s not a universal expectation.
 
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