Catholic Dating

[Pangea]

Hi,
I’m a 49 year old single never married male. I have no issue with following Church Laws in regards to sex and marriage and am chaste. I’m open to meeting a nice lady and proceeding in the natural Catholic fashion but that hasn’t been the pattern so far.

Every nice lady my age I have met and spent a little time with is divorced. Several times I didn’t learn this right away and I had to silently break off what ever happened to be brewing. I noticed I could have hurt some feelings but even explaining isn’t going to soothe that. “I’m sorry I don’t date divoree’s” not a very nice thing to say, so I just fade away. The last girl was so sweet and I still see the confused look in her eyes as after I learned she’s divorced as we had a very nice evening I wasn’t forth coming with another date. It broke both our hearts to a minor degree.

I don’t feel explaining my Faith to her would make a difference. There could be a possibility she is eligible in some arcane way. But it’s as if I have to start each relationship as if it will lead to marriage and that’s making it too heavy for me. It seems my Faith has to dictate the terms, which it DOES but I’ve not found a graceful way to do so.

A lot of these girls are very attractive and a bit freer with their love and after 2 dates the next logical thing for them is sex. Few if any have any working knowledge of the Catholic Church while some have said they are Catholic…

So far I’m still chaste but I’m weak and human and I’ve found myself isolating from any relationships. I’m running away and that’s not healthy. After the last one I’m just beat. Several nice ladies have expressed interest and I’m just to scared to proceed on any level.

Any advice?

Thanks,

Ed

 

[tampagrl]

You have a cross to bear and you seem to be carrying it with conviction. I completely understand your position but maybe it’s the way you say it… telling a divorcee that you don’t date divorcee’s, especially after there’s been any decent amount of emotional involvement btwn you, kinda sounds like you’re telling them you think they have some sort of crazy disease you’re afraid of catching. Instead, just say something like, “I really try to follow the Church’s teaching’s on dating and as such, it seems for me in this stage of my life, that means not dating women who are divorced.” You’re still saying the same thing, and true, it’s wordy, but you’re not coming across as though you think something is wrong with them, nor do you sound “holier than thou”. Have you considered an online service like Ave Maria? avemariasingles.com/index.cfm

I know not everyone is comfortable with doing things like that, but I’ve heard really good things about it. And I certainly don’t mean any offense, but at 49, you do lop off a significant portion of the Catholic female population unless you’re willing to date much younger. With online, you have that annoynomity and you’re not having to put yourself out there emotionally right away, which would seem to take the edge off that very understandable feeling you have in feeling like every date has to focus on marriage.

I’m not sure that was very helpful, but I pray God blesses you for keeping and living the faith…

 

[Tezza]

Hi,
I’m a 49 year old single never married male. I have no issue with following Church Laws in regards to sex and marriage and am chaste. I’m open to meeting a nice lady and proceeding in the natural Catholic fashion but that hasn’t been the pattern so far.

Every nice lady my age I have met and spent a little time with is divorced. Several times I didn’t learn this right away and I had to silently break off what ever happened to be brewing. I noticed I could have hurt some feelings but even explaining isn’t going to soothe that. “I’m sorry I don’t date divoree’s” not a very nice thing to say, so I just fade away. The last girl was so sweet and I still see the confused look in her eyes as after I learned she’s divorced as we had a very nice evening I wasn’t forth coming with another date. It broke both our hearts to a minor degree.

I don’t feel explaining my Faith to her would make a difference. There could be a possibility she is eligible in some arcane way. But it’s as if I have to start each relationship as if it will lead to marriage and that’s making it too heavy for me. It seems my Faith has to dictate the terms, which it DOES but I’ve not found a graceful way to do so.

A lot of these girls are very attractive and a bit freer with their love and after 2 dates the next logical thing for them is sex. Few if any have any working knowledge of the Catholic Church while some have said they are Catholic…

So far I’m still chaste but I’m weak and human and I’ve found myself isolating from any relationships. I’m running away and that’s not healthy. After the last one I’m just beat. Several nice ladies have expressed interest and I’m just to scared to proceed on any level.

Any advice?

Thanks,

Ed

Hi Pangea.

Welcome to CAF!

I agree with Tampagrl about trying something like avemariasingles. The majority of the participants have a good understanding of the Catholic faith and are free to date (either never married or received a decree of nullity). Profiles include positions on teachings of the Church.

I’m sorry for your experience with chastity. I know many faithful who struggle with this, though they have the best of intentions. The fact that you are commited to chastity may be an opportunity for great witness to a woman who has never been treated with such dignity and reverence. But I understand your frustration.

I pray God will bless you with a spouse.

In Christ,
Teri

 

[Norseman82]

Thread going downhill in 3…2…1…

Hi,
I’m a 49 year old single never married male. I have no issue with following Church Laws in regards to sex and marriage and am chaste. I’m open to meeting a nice lady and proceeding in the natural Catholic fashion but that hasn’t been the pattern so far.

Every nice lady my age I have met and spent a little time with is divorced. Several times I didn’t learn this right away and I had to silently break off what ever happened to be brewing. I noticed I could have hurt some feelings but even explaining isn’t going to soothe that. “I’m sorry I don’t date divoree’s” not a very nice thing to say, so I just fade away. The last girl was so sweet and I still see the confused look in her eyes as after I learned she’s divorced as we had a very nice evening I wasn’t forth coming with another date. It broke both our hearts to a minor degree.

I don’t feel explaining my Faith to her would make a difference. There could be a possibility she is eligible in some arcane way. But it’s as if I have to start each relationship as if it will lead to marriage and that’s making it too heavy for me. It seems my Faith has to dictate the terms, which it DOES but I’ve not found a graceful way to do so.

A lot of these girls are very attractive and a bit freer with their love and after 2 dates the next logical thing for them is sex. Few if any have any working knowledge of the Catholic Church while some have said they are Catholic…

So far I’m still chaste but I’m weak and human and I’ve found myself isolating from any relationships. I’m running away and that’s not healthy. After the last one I’m just beat. Several nice ladies have expressed interest and I’m just to scared to proceed on any level.

Any advice?

Thanks,

Ed

Although a few years younger than you, I’m in the same boat, and would be considered your competition. Your concerns and frustrations are valid and shared by others.

The only advice I can give would be to look at faithful Catholic parishes that may have activities (which can be hard considering that you may be kicked out of young adult groups when you turn 35 or 40). Also, look up the National Catholic Singles Conferences if there is one near you.

And be prepared to do battle against bullies who will give you grief for your legitimate hopes, dreams, and standards.

 

[Pangea]

I’m basically happy. I’m a serious conservative Catholic. I don’t look for loopholes and can take the entire doctrine with great joy and no reservations.

I’m not on the hunt for a mate so haven’t been investigating dating services. I’m pretty well busy 24/7 anyway. So it’s always interesting when “opportunities” arise out of basically nowhere. But I’m sensing the idea of avoidance won’t get me far.

I’m also aware I’m weak. Funny thing! On Solemnities I’m most tempted! I noticed that after several very close calls!

So far I’ve all the tools I need to remain chaste. Perhaps I’m just like the baseball player who has a weakness for the high and inside and success will depend on me laying off that pitch. Nothing is harder than trying to unlearn old habits.

Thanks for being there

Ed

 

[Gertabelle]

But it’s as if I have to start each relationship as if it will lead to marriage and that’s making it too heavy for me. It seems my Faith has to dictate the terms, which it DOES but I’ve not found a graceful way to do so.

God bless you for your faithfulness to Christ and His Church

As a single mom (divorced, anulled, and chaste), I can very much relate to your concerns. I have had men tell me they won’t consider dating me because I have a young child (6yo) or because I was “married” before (civil only) or because I was too old (42, and thanks God for every breath). It is hard to be on the receiving end of these comments, but honestly, I’d rather hear them now than later. And yes, there is a nice way of saying these things, and a horrible (demeaning) way of saying them. And yes, I’ve been on the receiving end of both types. Well, it gives me something to offer up, anyway

YES! You should start each relationship as if it could lead to marriage, but not (perhaps) in the way you imply here. That is to say, you don’t need to bring up marriage with a woman you’re interested in. But as a faithful Catholic who says he’s seeking marriage, you do need to see dating as a means to an end – marriage – and only consider dating women you know to be what you are seeking in a wife.

I’m not sure why you would consider dating a woman who isn’t Catholic when I see so many single Catholic women at mass all the time, and many near enough to your age. If you want a Catholic marriage, stop looking outside the Church for a wife. Single women usually far outnumber single men at a given parish, which is good for you

When I see a man I think may be single at my parish, I ask around to find out his “status.” Is he actually single? (many, many, many married men aren’t wearing wedding rings ) Is he eligible for sacramental marriage? How old is he? By doing a little footwork ahead of time, I eliminate the situations you describe by not even going out on a date with an “illegible” man.

Tampagrl gives a good example of what you might say to a woman before you even go out on that first date. And you should be upfront with this before you agree to meet for a date. By making it clear that your faith is the driving force behind this decision, you also set the stage for further conversations about chastity and other important topics. If they are offended by your comments, then you know that woman wasn’t right for you anyway.

God bless you in your search. Remember to pray and make sacrifices for your future wife. She’s looking for you as well, you know. Check out E5Men if you haven’t already, for some support and encouragement.

Gertie

 

[tampagrl]

I’m basically happy. I’m a serious conservative Catholic. I don’t look for loopholes and can take the entire doctrine with great joy and no reservations.

I’m not on the hunt for a mate so haven’t been investigating dating services. I’m pretty well busy 24/7 anyway. So it’s always interesting when “opportunities” arise out of basically nowhere. But I’m sensing the idea of avoidance won’t get me far.

I’m also aware I’m weak. Funny thing! On Solemnities I’m most tempted! I noticed that after several very close calls!

So far I’ve all the tools I need to remain chaste. Perhaps I’m just like the baseball player who has a weakness for the high and inside and success will depend on me laying off that pitch. Nothing is harder than trying to unlearn old habits.

Thanks for being there

Ed

The very fact that you seem almost like you could take it or leave it, makes me think that something like Ave Maria might very well be a good fit for you as long as you said these things right up front. I don’t mean to suggest that you wouldn’t rather have a g/f or be married right now given the choice, only that you made mention of how much you work…and thinking a little deeper on that, maybe that is a way you’re avoiding… But anyhooo, there’s nothing wrong w/just looking for Catholic female friendships, is there? Obviously, the idea is to hopefully find your mate, but when you meet her, she’ll be your friend first. It just sounds like maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself when those “opportunites” present themselves. I’m sure Ave Maria has some sort of “describe yourself” or “what you’re looking for” type sections, and there you can just lay it out w/o having to risk investing a lot of time and emotion into someone only to find out she doesn’t fit into God’s plan for you.

 

[havana1]

When I see a man I think may be single at my parish, I ask around to find out his “status.” Is he actually single? (many, many, many married men aren’t wearing wedding rings ) Is he eligible for sacramental marriage? How old is he? By doing a little footwork ahead of time, I eliminate the situations you describe by not even going out on a date with an “illegible” man.

You ask around? Who are you, Emma from the Jane Austin novel?

Why not ask the guy directly yourself? This isn’t junior high. If I learned second-hand or third-hand that some gal was asking about me, I’d say to myself, “Well, gee, is she some sort of wallflower that she’s not even assertive enough to ask for herself?” That’s the message you’re sending, whether you know it or not. It’s a big honking red flag to any guy.

It’s too bad web sites like AMS have to exist to fill the void - to make up for the failure, really - of so many Catholic parishes (and whole dioceses) to consider those of us who are Catholic and single. There shouldn’t even have to be an AMS or a Catholic Singles web site or whatever…!! That is so wrong. What a sad reflection of the state of “Catholic singles” that anytime someone asks, the very first response seems to be, “Oh, just go to AMS,” like it’s as easy going on e-bay for a second-hand item. If only it were that easy.

There’s no such thing as “ineligible” men. Only “ineligible” situations once you have the whole story, and not just what you overheard from the other gals in the restroom powdering your nose.

 

[chevalier]

There could be a possibility she is eligible in some arcane way. But it’s as if I have to start each relationship as if it will lead to marriage and that’s making it too heavy for me.

If she is Catholic too, then two situations are possible in which she’s actually free to marry (and for the first time in her life to boot):

1. She may have married in a civil ceremony only, which, if dispensation wasn’t given or convalidation didn’t occur afterward, makes that marriage invalid and her free to marry. Same if her husband was Catholic and they married via JP, although you probably won’t have that information early on and asking could be rude.
2. She may have a nullity decree (strictly speaking, she needs two, i.e. she needs the second tribunal to affirm the first one’s ruling).

YES! You should start each relationship as if it could lead to marriage, but not (perhaps) in the way you imply here. That is to say, you don’t need to bring up marriage with a woman you’re interested in. But as a faithful Catholic who says he’s seeking marriage, you do need to see dating as a means to an end – marriage – and only consider dating women you know to be what you are seeking in a wife.

There’s even more to finding oneself to be dating or otherwise involved with a divorced person - not only unable to marry, but also already someone else’s wife or husband (except when not, i.e. null marriage, but we aren’t supposed to presume that). On that point, it feels awful. I suppose you have an idea how awful, having read the part about married men not wearing rings. A civil divorce does not change anything there.

 

[exoflare]

It’s a big honking red flag to any guy.

LOL No it’s not.

 

[TraceG]

Pangea, I understand where you are coming from. I’m 33 and it seems like alot of woman are just like how you explained. I am luckily in far SW Indiana with a considerable catholic community. I’m lucky in that matter. For some time now I have been searching for a catholic woman/girl and I’m not even catholic…yet.

 

[chevalier]

LOL No it’s not.

Agreed. If it happened to me, I would probably locate and lockon target and go in for recon (without a wingman). If I were interested in the target, I would relieve her of the burden of action.

Incidentally, some people are incapable (canon 1095, mental and psychic problems, plus those already married, those in Holy Orders, those who killed a spouse to gain freedom) and that’s a bigger word than ineligible. There’s no need for beating around the bush here.

 

[tampagrl]

…It’s too bad web sites like AMS have to exist to fill the void - to make up for the failure, really - of so many Catholic parishes (and whole dioceses) to consider those of us who are Catholic and single. There shouldn’t even have to be an AMS or a Catholic Singles web site or whatever…!! That is so wrong. What a sad reflection of the state of “Catholic singles” that anytime someone asks, the very first response seems to be, “Oh, just go to AMS,” like it’s as easy going on e-bay for a second-hand item. If only it were that easy.

There’s no such thing as “ineligible” men. Only “ineligible” situations once you have the whole story, and not just what you overheard from the other gals in the restroom powdering your nose.

I so disagree w/this. I think it’s a great way and an unique way of actually using the technology of today in a positive, healthy, Christian way. I mean, please, I had to
Google something just the other day and I needed a shower after seeing some of the sites that came up! It’s ridiculous the stuff that’s out there, and it takes *a lot *to offend me.

The OP is at a certain stage of his life that makes it exceptionally difficult for him to meet women who are in his age range and are not already divorced (implication being they are not free to marry in the Catholic faith). So, what else should he do? Be lonely or take advantage of a healthy site that may bring him to his future spouse? Quite honestly, I would feel that way even if we weren’t talking about this particular person. I think it’s helped tons of people who may be really shy come out of themselves and learn to embrace God’s plan for them.

I hear what you’re saying and I don’t mean to sound like I’m dismissing it, but I don’t think blaming sites that help Catholic people find other Catholic people or those of us who suggest they look there is the problem. If it were me, I wouldn’t let my pride stand in the way of me fullfilling what I thought was God’s call in my life. I mean, I’m just say’n…

 

[tampagrl]

Agreed. If it happened to me, I would probably locate and lockon target and go in for recon (without a wingman). If I were interested in the target, I would relieve her of the burden of action. …

“what’s your vector Victor?” Sorry, couldn’t help myself… You are too cute.
…“relieve her of the burden of action”… lol…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

To the OP: usually devout divorced people (both genders) who have a decree of nullity, when meeting other Catholics, often telegraph any real interest early on by letting drop the fact that they have that decree. (Meaning: I’m free to date and marry by the laws of my Church, so don’t let that divorced status stand in your way if you’re interested.) You usually don’t need to pry. They’ll volunteer that information. Because by doing so they’re letting you know their faith is important to them also.

 

[OLHope]

When I see a man I think may be single at my parish, I ask around to find out his “status.” Is he actually single? (many, many, many married men aren’t wearing wedding rings ) Is he eligible for sacramental marriage? How old is he? By doing a little footwork ahead of time, I eliminate the situations you describe by not even going out on a date with an “illegible” man.

Gertie

I agree, this is much of what I encounter and it is so disheartening that I just gave up all together. People are not disposable, situations are supposed to be if you learn from them, confess, and sin no more.

 

[Gertabelle]

You ask around? Who are you, Emma from the Jane Austin novel?

Why not ask the guy directly yourself? This isn’t junior high. If I learned second-hand or third-hand that some gal was asking about me, I’d say to myself, “Well, gee, is she some sort of wallflower that she’s not even assertive enough to ask for herself?” That’s the message you’re sending, whether you know it or not. It’s a big honking red flag to any guy.

There’s no such thing as “ineligible” men. Only “ineligible” situations once you have the whole story, and not just what you overheard from the other gals in the restroom powdering your nose.

Jane Austin? Powdering our noses? Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I ask my friends, and I make no excuses for it. My friends are teachers in the parish school, leaders of different parish groups, KoC, and the like. If I see a man without a wedding ring, no obvious wife near him, and if there’s some reason he attracts my interest – of course I ask my friends before approaching him! Would you have me go up to a married man and express some sort of interest before I find out his wife is teaching RE with their child? I would never disrespect the sanctity of marriage by risking that!

And, by the way, no one has EVER called me a wallflower in my life – EVER! My mother would have the laugh of her life over that idea

LOL No it’s not.

Thank you :curtsey:

If it happened to me, I would probably locate and lockon target and go in for recon (without a wingman). If I were interested in the target, I would relieve her of the burden of action.

:takeoff: God bless you, dear one. May He prepare your heart for the woman He’s preparing for you.

Gertie

 

[sanctamaria17]

You ask around? Who are you, Emma from the Jane Austin novel?

Why not ask the guy directly yourself? This isn’t junior high. If I learned second-hand or third-hand that some gal was asking about me, I’d say to myself, “Well, gee, is she some sort of wallflower that she’s not even assertive enough to ask for herself?” That’s the message you’re sending, whether you know it or not. It’s a big honking red flag to any guy.

It’s too bad web sites like AMS have to exist to fill the void - to make up for the failure, really - of so many Catholic parishes (and whole dioceses) to consider those of us who are Catholic and single. There shouldn’t even have to be an AMS or a Catholic Singles web site or whatever…!! That is so wrong. What a sad reflection of the state of “Catholic singles” that anytime someone asks, the very first response seems to be, “Oh, just go to AMS,” like it’s as easy going on e-bay for a second-hand item. If only it were that easy.

There’s no such thing as “ineligible” men. Only “ineligible” situations once you have the whole story, and not just what you overheard from the other gals in the restroom powdering your nose.

Sometimes, a guy isn’t as forthcoming. Liberanosamalo has a story about that.

I do ask around too…Usually, I date people I have mutual friends with and, if I’m interested in the person (and a mutual friend has picked up), I will ask, especially if I don’t know the person as well just yet. I don’t want to spend a ton of time with someone with a vested interest, only to find after awhile that they were taken. ESPECIALLY if there are a ton of people we know in common. Besides, it’s better to discreetly ask and not act if that’s the answer…especially if they do lead double lives…not to say that all men do this but I’m usually guarded until you win my trust.

 

[agapewolf]

Pangea, I understand where you are coming from. I’m 33 and it seems like alot of woman are just like how you explained. I am luckily in far SW Indiana with a considerable catholic community. I’m lucky in that matter. For some time now I have been searching for a catholic woman/girl and I’m not even catholic…yet.

I’m 35/f :dancing::bounce::blushing:

 

[chevalier]

Jane Austin? Powdering our noses? Are you kidding me?

Let me refresh my 19th century English…

“Sir, that empty finger of yours, I mean the lack of a ring thereon, does it mean that you are eligible or is it the matter of a mere shameful omission on the part of you?”

Yeah, I ask my friends, and I make no excuses for it. My friends are teachers in the parish school, leaders of different parish groups, KoC, and the like. If I see a man without a wedding ring, no obvious wife near him, and if there’s some reason he attracts my interest – of course I ask my friends before approaching him! Would you have me go up to a married man and express some sort of interest before I find out his wife is teaching RE with their child? I would never disrespect the sanctity of marriage by risking that!

I gather my intel too.
“[Ring] That friend of yours, XXXX XXXX, what can you tell me about her?”
“Ah, she…” [and so on]
“Does she have anybody?”
“Don’t know.”
“Can you arrange an accidental meeting?”

God bless you, dear one. May He prepare your heart for the woman He’s preparing for you.

Gertie

:tiphat: Thank you.