Catholic divorce & annulment

[texmarc]

Blessings to all:
Having been married to a “cradle” Catholic, she insisted on divorce because “it wasn’t working for her”…no other reason.
I didn’t fight the divorce…hard to fight someone you love.

Now she has petitioned for an annulment.

I’ve read everything I can get my mind wrapped around, seeked many opinions, etc.
I know in my heart we had a valid marriage by all standards of the church.

I became a Catholic in 2006 so I have a lot to learn, yet have self taught myself much about canon law, annulment, divorce, etc.

sad but true, she won’t talk to me…never has…just left while I was out of town and never said good bye or gave a reason…we had been engaged 13 years (yeah I know… along time) and married just 13 months…no closure for me and lots of support for her from friends and co-workers.

I still believe in our marriage and will appeal any affirmative decision of annulment…the divorce was wrong and the annulment is groundless…my opinion based on what the church teaches as I understand it…no conditions are present to grant annulment or meet standards set by canon law.

Any helpful comments are appreciated…it’s a hurtful process to go through…like divorce, except worse in many ways.

Peace and blessings,
YBIC,
Mark

 

[Phemie]

If you had been engaged 13 years and she called it quits after being married only 13 months, it doesn’t look as though she went into this marriage thinking it was “for life”. If she went in with the intention of divorcing ‘if things didn’t work out’, then she didn’t meet the requirement for a valid marriage.

 

[kyria]

I can provide comments but I don’t know if they are going to be helpful or what you want to hear.

You might think from what you have read that there are no grounds for an annulment, however a tribunal makes this decision, and your ex-wife might contrary to your beliefs, obtain one. I’ve applied for an annulment after three years of not being with my former husband, and was surprised to find out that I met some grounds I wasn’t aware of once some of the criteria were explained better by the person overseeing my application, and even if my ex objects, it doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t obtain one.

Over in my country they take into consideration history prior to the marriage and history of the spouses’ parents and spouses’ upbringing, as many things will affect the grounds for declaring a marriage invalid when it was entered into. It is not just what happens after the marriage, it can also be what happens before it.

I am not going to get into the intricacies of what makes a marriage invalid when entered into. You appear to have read some stuff. But I do know as someone who’s gone down the track of applying for one, that there is more to the process then what many people think they know or have read.

I know this is a hard thing to deal with and a marriage ending hurts.

What about your future? You wife has divorced you and has moved on. At some stage you might do so too?

Objecting to the annulment is your choice. But not having an annulment holds you up too. It means you can’t marry again in the Church if you haven’t obtained an annulment. I know you see your marriage as being valid. For now it is. An annulment might be granted, it might not be. But if it is granted to your wife, it is something you do have to accept and it is no reflection on you. I felt very bad about applying for an annulment but in the end it was a good healing process. I know my former husband doesn’t see it that way and in his mind I had no plausible grounds to leave. Your marriage ended after only 13months. Maybe you thought the marriage was all ok and ok from the start, but for a marriage to end so suddenly it makes me wonder how valid it really might have been, and I do know a few people who said their spouses just up and left one day, but people generally don’t just up and go. They go for a reason, and sometimes the other spouse will never or cannot see it that way and whether that reason meets the grounds for an annulment really is up to the tribunal overseeing each application. If you and your wife were talking I might suggest some counseling, but seeing as she has divorced you with no contact I see no point in that suggestion.

A marriage ending is like a death in many aspects as there is much grieving to go through.

What ever happens, I hope Christ heals you. You also have a future life to lead also.

Christ got me through and healed me, and I have faith if you place yourself into his hands, he will get you through this.

 

[1ke]

I **highly **recommend the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

While you certainly may have gone into the marriage with the proper intent and consent, it sounds like something may have been wrong on her end. I don’t know what that something is, nor do I know whether that something is cause for a nullity decision.

But, as you go through the process keep your heart and mind open to what you may learn during the course of the petition. There may be things about her you never knew. Things of a serious nature.

Your marriage may very well be valid. However, there could be things you don’t know about driving your ex-wife and they may reveal the fact that your marriage is not valid.

So, again, keep in mind that things may be revealed you had no knowledge of.

Be honest and thorough on your end. The Tribunal will look at all the evidence.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

It is not just what happens after the marriage, it can also be what happens before it.

Actually, they look more closely at things that happened before the wedding, family life, previous relationships, the nature of the dating and engagement period and everything that happened up to the date of the marriage. The validity of consent is judged by whether at the moment of consent all the things necessary for a valid union were present.

Any information about the early marriage and honeymoon and behavior during the marriage is more to indicate the playing out of the conditions that made the marriage invalid, i.e., if a couple did not intend to have children, then the practice of artificial birth control or the refusal to time intercourse to ever allow for conception would indicate that the intention of the couple not to have children was actually put into action.

Someone who never intended marriage to be exclusive who then went on to have multiple affairs… well, the infidelity would be the proof of a prior mindset.

But actually the person’s thoughts and actions prior to the wedding are more important.

To the OP, I’m very sorry what you are going through. You thought you knew her. Maybe there were things in her mind and heart that she never told you, that she will tell a tribunal. I suggest you cooperate with the annulment fully. Answer all questions honestly. She may be issued a declaration that she cannot contract a marriage in the future and you may be given a declaration of nullity giving you full right to marry someday. You don’t know how this will play out. Whatever defect in her consent there may have been, and her refusal to talk to you or tell you why she is doing this, you deserve the truth. The truth shall set you free.

Be glad you don’t have children. You don’t say how old you are. But trust that she may not have been completely honest with you for years. When the shock and pain wears away and anger takes its place, you will be glad there is someone out there who cares what the truth is.

Be glad you became a Catholic. Actually you will be given closure because of this annulment process. You will have the opportunity to examine the paperwork and read what she wrote. You may find it very illuminating. Don’t fight it. YOU may have done everything necessary to make the marriage valid on your end. But it takes two people to make a marriage. If she didn’t bring the necessary values to it, then you were married all alone, which is to say you were not married.

Talk to your parish priest. He may be able to help you join this process. Cooperate with the tribunal. That can be your way to get some support and closure. Good luck.

 

[SMHW]

First of all, I am sorry to hear of your situation. And I am not part of a Catholic tribunal and have no authority to make judgments about the validity of marriages.

However I find it a bit odd that you were engaged for 13 years and fail to see how that in and of itself is a HUGE red flag as to why the marriage *might *be invalid. One and/or both of you did not want to get married for a large number of years. That sounds very problematic to me, regardless of whether it was you or your wife who wanted to wait.

 

[texmarc]

Thanks to all for your love and thoughts.

We were both over 50 when married…children were not possible…right about some red flags…love is blind indeed.

13 years is a long time to wait to get married…looking back I wish we wouldn’t have waited so long…we are somewhat opposites and at the same time share so much in common…how weird is that? We truly complete each other in many respects…but we don’t make the other person…enough said on that.

There are no “grave” impediments to our sacrament of marriage…I know this.
The petition she filed will be ready for my inspection later this month…it will hopefully tell me a lot I don’t know and didn’t know.

I made a promise to God, her nd myself…I intend to see it through; not at the expense of wasting my life, but to preserve a valid sacrament. Mistakes have been made, but none to jusitfy divorce or annulment.

It’s sad she takes poor advice from a few people telling her she made the right decision. When I see her at church she hangs her head and won’t look at me…I know this woman well enough to have a feeling she might be having second thoughts…I’ll leave that to God to work with her.

I’ll fight the good fight, but I won’t be the last man standing at the Alamo…we all know how that ended…

Much will come into “the light” in the next few months…much will be revealed…final decisions can be easier at that time…until then I pray for her and let love pave the path for us both.

Thanks much & God Bless,
Mark