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As everyone has said, you need more help than a bunch of strangers on a message board can give you. That said, I’m going to give some advice anyways…
My husband just doesn’t seem to want to be married or have a family. When he’s in a good mood he seems to tolerate us, and occasionally will actually be “happy” around us, but the majority of the time he is mad that we’re interrupting his T.V. watching, relaxing, etc.
You may be right. But that doesn’t mean he specifically doesn’t want you and your kids. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Chances are that there is nothing you can DO to change things. But there may be some new attitudes you can adopt. Your attitude may be more important than your behavior.
He has me on pins and needles all the time because he has made it clear since the beginning of our marriage that the house must be clean when he gets home, even though I have upto seven kids four and under here on a daily basis.
If you truly are a terrible housekeeper address that problem. If, as I suspect, you are a normal housekeeper and are doing the best you can given the circumstances, try to have one room picked up and then don’t act bothered when he complains. The way you act will have an impact on the way you actually feel.
It sounds as if your husband has an excessive need for “Alone time”. Be as sensitive to this as you can by minimizing company (yours or the kids) at the times he would normally come home. I got the impression that perhaps you babysit during the day? If it’s for free, you may have to stop or stick to mornings. If it’s for pay, put the burden on your husband and suggest maybe you should stop sitting in the afternoon because the money isn’t worth the stress on him. Put on some soothing music an hour before he arrives. It will calm you and the children. It will also be nice for him. You’ve done all that is reasonable so now you act like you don’t take any of his complaints personally. Again, your attitude will affect the way you feel inside.
He expects me to work to bring in a second income, which I do part-time in the evenings, but then he’s furious with me when I get home, because the baby cried.
Sounds familiar. Your husband probably has a big need to be in control. Actually most men do. Some just have bigger needs than others. When he complains about the baby crying you just have to sweetly but firmly say, “Oh honey, didn’t you change her and feed her and pick her up and rock her for half an hour?” (or whatever you would do if you had been home when the baby cried.) Don’t act hurt by his attack on you or on his child. Again, your actions will help your attitude.
I feel as though I have bent over backwards for the last four years to make him happy, and the more unhappy he gets the more I cave into him.
Do you just feel that way or is it fact? Your feelings are important but don’t be held hostage by them by making them the lens through which you see your life.
*I don’t know how to draw the line between enabling him to continue by my constantly giving in or being disrespectful by not adhering to the expectations he has of me and the kids.
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This is where you do need some help. I don’t know if you are being disrespectful of him. It sound like his expectations may be disrespectful of you and the kids. But you don’t seem to respect yourself at this point and I think this is your biggest problem.
If your husband is just “a jerk” prayer may be the only thing you can do about the way he acts and feels. Unfortunately you are not entitled to a happy husband when you are a good wife. (But it does improve your chances IF your husband is a good man.)
But you can change your attitude about yourself. Sometimes changing your attitude about yourself will make him see that he has something of value. But even if it doesn’t result in your husband changing his behavior, at least one of you will feel better about you.
