Catholic Funeral

[El_PAso]

Hi,

My mother recently passed away and will be interred at Arlington NC. A niece and I are coordinating services from distance. Mom and I are Catholic, rest of the family less so to anti. I have arranged local to me Mass and am trying to find a local parish for a day of Mass if possible. I’d be the only family member to attend this so just a memorial mention during daily Mass what I mean.

I am trying to arrange a graveside Catholic service. Is there a set Liturgy or pattern for such? The rest of the family wants to have one of those everyone has a memory types…

Does a priest basically run the show or play a part?

So sad my family is not united on this so trying to arrange a full blown Catholic Mass and burial will be met with chaos at best. But I want to make sure Mom has at least the minimum Catholic rites.

Any advice to guide me would be welcomed.

Thanks,

EP

 

[Padres1969]

Not to hijack another poster’s thread, but I’m somewhat in the same quandary myself with my grandmother’s recent passing. She was Catholic, had last rites and such before she passed. But I’m also curious what Catholic rites should be observed going forward. Her wake/calling hours have already occurred at the Funeral Home. But is there anything else between now and burial that should be done?

And similarly I think my mom has arranged the priest from what was nominally her parish (her actual parish closed a few years ago) for the burial. But should a funeral mass be held, is that a Catholic requirement?

 

[FrDavid96]

Hi,

My mother recently passed away and will be interred at Arlington NC. A niece and I are coordinating services from distance. Mom and I are Catholic, rest of the family less so to anti. I have arranged local to me Mass and am trying to find a local parish for a day of Mass if possible. I’d be the only family member to attend this so just a memorial mention during daily Mass what I mean.

I am trying to arrange a graveside Catholic service. Is there a set Liturgy or pattern for such? The rest of the family wants to have one of those everyone has a memory types…

Does a priest basically run the show or play a part?

So sad my family is not united on this so trying to arrange a full blown Catholic Mass and burial will be met with chaos at best. But I want to make sure Mom has at least the minimum Catholic rites.

Any advice to guide me would be welcomed.

Thanks,

EP

As for the cemetery:

Yes, the ritual is part of the Church’s liturgy. There is certainly a “set” or “planned” format.

You need not worry about the specifics here. The priest or deacon will have the right book and will know exactly what to do. You do need to contact the local parish (the one in whose territory the cemetery exists, or whatever parish owns or administers the cemetery) to arrange for a priest or deacon to be there. Remember, the only way they will know is if someone contacts them.

I deal with this issue often: where people want to make up their own gravesite service. I have a very simple solution. I say to the family (basically) “I am going to do the Catholic burial service, then pay my respects to the family, then I will leave. After that, you are free to do whatever you please.” Of course, if there are military honors, I stay until those are concluded.

There’s nothing wrong with people singing favorite songs or sharing memories, or even giving eulogies—only that these cannot be incorporated into the Catholic burial service. The priest or deacon might even stay for these if he chooses.

My point here is that this is not an “either or” choice. You can have a perfectly legitimate Catholic burial service done by a priest or deacon (it is rather brief), and then other family members can have their opportunity to do something else.

 

[FrDavid96]

Not to hijack another poster’s thread, but I’m somewhat in the same quandary myself with my grandmother’s recent passing. She was Catholic, had last rites and such before she passed. But I’m also curious what Catholic rites should be observed going forward. Her wake/calling hours have already occurred at the Funeral Home. But is there anything else between now and burial that should be done?

And similarly I think my mom has arranged the priest from what was nominally her parish (her actual parish closed a few years ago) for the burial. But should a funeral mass be held, is that a Catholic requirement?

A funeral Mass should be held (with the body present).

If that is not possible, the Catholic burial rites can still be done.

Talk to that priest. He will be able to guide you through everything.

 

[Memaw]

Hi,

My mother recently passed away and will be interred at Arlington NC. A niece and I are coordinating services from distance. Mom and I are Catholic, rest of the family less so to anti. I have arranged local to me Mass and am trying to find a local parish for a day of Mass if possible. I’d be the only family member to attend this so just a memorial mention during daily Mass what I mean.

I am trying to arrange a graveside Catholic service. Is there a set Liturgy or pattern for such? The rest of the family wants to have one of those everyone has a memory types…

Does a priest basically run the show or play a part?

So sad my family is not united on this so trying to arrange a full blown Catholic Mass and burial will be met with chaos at best. But I want to make sure Mom has at least the minimum Catholic rites.

Any advice to guide me would be welcomed.

Thanks,

EP

If it was my Mother, I would have a full Catholic Funeral, wake and Mass. She deserves that !! The priest would help you. People of all faiths come to funerals. They may even learn something about the Catholic Faith. My first husband was a convert and when he died I brought him back to his home town for burial. All his family and friends were non-Catholic but I had a Wake and Mass and was amazed at how many of his friends thought it was so beautiful. The Church was full ! His sister didn’t want him buried in a Catholic Church because, “none of his family and friends are Catholic”. I simply told her I was doing this for HIM. (He loved the Catholic Faith.) God Bless, Memaw

 

[Irishmom2]

If it was my Mother, I would have a full Catholic Funeral, wake and Mass. She deserves that !! The priest would help you. People of all faiths come to funerals. They may even learn something about the Catholic Faith. My first husband was a convert and when he died I brought him back to his home town for burial. All his family and friends were non-Catholic but I had a Wake and Mass and was amazed at how many of his friends thought it was so beautiful. The Church was full ! His sister didn’t want him buried in a Catholic Church because, “none of his family and friends are Catholic”. I simply told her I was doing this for HIM. (He loved the Catholic Faith.) God Bless, Memaw

Beautiful, Memaw! I agree, OP, if your mom was Catholic, I would go all out for her too. It’s for her that you are showing respect for her faith, not for everyone else.

 

[Padres1969]

A funeral Mass should be held (with the body present).

If that is not possible, the Catholic burial rites can still be done.

Talk to that priest. He will be able to guide you through everything.

Should the funeral be held in what was her long time parish ideally or in the parish that the cemetery is located in as they are not one in the same?

And I imagine the family is going to be the harder thing to wrangle in this instance. My grandmother may have been Catholic, but other than my mom (who I’d generously describe as fallen away), none of her other kids, any of her grandkids, or great grandkids are Catholic. Hence the Episcopalian grandson is left to get answers to these questions.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I agree with the advice to discuss this with a priest. The funeral Mass itself, which you should definitely have if she was Catholic, and the Catholic burial rite will follow a set pattern that doesn’t have much room for the “everyone has a memory” stuff.

However, if your family would want to have a “memorial” type gathering, the funeral home may be willing to accommodate that as part of the wake. Alternatively, you could have such a memorial at a separate venue, such as someone’s home, or a rented hall, separately from the actual funeral Mass and burial rite.

My condolences on the loss of your Mom. You are good to want to make Mass arrangements for her even though the rest of your family does not appreciate the importance of this.

 

[FrDavid96]

Should the funeral be held in what was her long time parish ideally or in the parish that the cemetery is located in as they are not one in the same?

And I imagine the family is going to be the harder thing to wrangle in this instance. My grandmother may have been Catholic, but other than my mom (who I’d generously describe as fallen away), none of her other kids, any of her grandkids, or great grandkids are Catholic. Hence the Episcopalian grandson is left to get answers to these questions.

The funeral Mass should be held in her most recent parish of membership. Remember that membership is determined by residence (where she resided while she lived). Unlike Episcopalian parishes, where members choose a place, Catholic parish membership is determined by geography.

The cemetery is a different issue, because (in the U.S. at least) the cemetery is not always located inside the parish boundaries. It might or might not. It also depends on if the parish or the diocese or some other entity (city, or private) owns or administers the cemetery.

I don’t think this is the place to get into all those details, although if you have a specific question, I’ll do my best.

The place to start is to contact the parish where she most recently resided. That would be the parish that has “responsibility” for the funeral rites. This is the parish to arrange for the wake service, funeral Mass, and final burial.

On the other hand, if the cemetery is a great distance away (not all that uncommon today), then contact the local parish there. I can’t put a number here, but just for example, if it’s 500 miles away, then obviously you want to contact the local parish there.

 

[Sy_Noe]

Not to hijack another poster’s thread, but I’m somewhat in the same quandary myself with my grandmother’s recent passing. She was Catholic, had last rites and such before she passed. But I’m also curious what Catholic rites should be observed going forward. Her wake/calling hours have already occurred at the Funeral Home. But is there anything else between now and burial that should be done?

And similarly I think my mom has arranged the priest from what was nominally her parish (her actual parish closed a few years ago) for the burial. But should a funeral mass be held, is that a Catholic requirement?

It might be a strong preference but no a Mass is not a requirement, Padres. When my mother passed, we had her body flown to another state for the funeral and burial with her final resting place being beside my father. The parish there which she had been a part of until relocating a decade prior to her death, no longer had the same priest nor no longer a fulltime priest. So the visiting priest who celebrated Masses on weekends and for funerals was a priest whom we did not even know at all. Nor he us or my mother. What we did was to hold Catholic services at the funeral home which were presided by a deacon from another parish whom the family did know. (Some of the family is still in that area.) It was such a beautiful service. I had “On Eagles Wings” played. Family members and the deacon read from Scripture. He gave a wonderful uplifting talk with much encouragement. We recited prayers. A couple of us spoke of our memories. It lasted if I remember right, about 45 mins. Holy water was used by the deacon and he led us to the gravesite for a short service there as well where she was laid to rest. It worked well too because some of our family are practicing Catholics and some are no longer. And both were pleased with the service. The funeral director gave me a tape of the service which I still listen too each yr on the anniversary of her death several yrs later. There was a Mass intention said for her afterwards at my nominal parish which I did attend. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your loved ones at the passing of your grandmother. May she rest in peace my friend.

 

[El_PAso]

Thank you all for the great advice!

Here’s the details.

Mom was moved into a retirement home far from her parish in southern CA. I live in Tucson AZ region. Burial with be in Arlington. Family scattered. Her parish of over 60 years made no effort to contact her or the family, nothing but donation requests. Not a member of a parish where she lived for last 2 years as just a priest would visit on Sunday.

So mom passed in Los Angeles, I’m in Tucson and burial in Arlington VA.

The sister who was caring for her at the end is vehemently anti Catholic, of the extreme bigot variety. She has been coordinating all the funeral basics and is already starting to cause friction. She is refusing to provide information of where mom is and will never release her for a Catholic funeral Mass. I have no control over this. Part of it is Arlington red tape and to even get this soon of a burial a miracle. Soon as in over 2 months from passing. She is a spouse not a veteran so no special privileges. Any changes to the format may result in longer delays…I’m told anyway.

At even a mention of a Catholic priest there is already division in the family…

I am aiming for just the minimum at this point to retain some peace in the family.

And sadly leaning towards no Catholic rites as it really go bad… and is already at the mention of this…

Thanks…

EP

 

[Sy_Noe]

Thank you all for the great advice!

Here’s the details.

Mom was moved into a retirement home far from her parish in southern CA. I live in Tucson AZ region. Burial with be in Arlington. Family scattered. Her parish of over 60 years made no effort to contact her or the family, nothing but donation requests. Not a member of a parish where she lived for last 2 years as just a priest would visit on Sunday.

So mom passed in Los Angeles, I’m in Tucson and burial in Arlington VA.

The sister who was caring for her at the end is vehemently anti Catholic, of the extreme bigot variety. She has been coordinating all the funeral basics and is already starting to cause friction. She is refusing to provide information of where mom is and will never release her for a Catholic funeral Mass. I have no control over this. Part of it is Arlington red tape and to even get this soon of a burial a miracle. Soon as in over 2 months from passing. She is a spouse not a veteran so no special privileges. Any changes to the format may result in longer delays…I’m told anyway.

At even a mention of a Catholic priest there is already division in the family…

I am aiming for just the minimum at this point to retain some peace in the family.

And sadly leaning towards no Catholic rites as it really go bad… and is already at the mention of this…

Thanks…

EP

EP, I don’t know if you saw my post since we posted just a minute apart or if some sort of Catholic rites might work in your case. But my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time and may your dear mother RIP and God bless her soul. Peace be with you.

 

[El_PAso]

The funeral Mass should be held in her most recent parish of membership. Remember that membership is determined by residence (where she resided while she lived). Unlike Episcopalian parishes, where members choose a place, Catholic parish membership is determined by geography.

The cemetery is a different issue, because (in the U.S. at least) the cemetery is not always located inside the parish boundaries. It might or might not. It also depends on if the parish or the diocese or some other entity (city, or private) owns or administers the cemetery.

I don’t think this is the place to get into all those details, although if you have a specific question, I’ll do my best.

The place to start is to contact the parish where she most recently resided. That would be the parish that has “responsibility” for the funeral rites. This is the parish to arrange for the wake service, funeral Mass, and final burial.

On the other hand, if the cemetery is a great distance away (not all that uncommon today), then contact the local parish there. I can’t put a number here, but just for example, if it’s 500 miles away, then obviously you want to contact the local parish there.

Fr. David, (I assume you are Fr. and not just using the handle!)

Hopefully you read my previous post of the challenges I am facing due to the family member in charged being vehemently anti Catholic.

I am curious as to the minimum we can do for my mom and keep peace in the family.

Could you let me know what and how long a graveside rite may be? Perhaps the family can remain civilized for ~15 minutes.

There is every possibility obstacles may be presented to prohibit any Catholic influence. Unfortunately mom never put in writing what her wishes were.

Hopefully this can serve as some sort of a warning to those families so divided on faith to make such wishes crystal clear and take decisions out of family members hands so it just happens as matter of course.

Thanks again,

EP

 

[Memaw]

It might be a strong preference but no a Mass is not a requirement, Padres. When my mother passed, we had her body flown to another state for the funeral and burial with her final resting place being beside my father. The parish there which she had been a part of until relocating a decade prior to her death, no longer had the same priest nor no longer a fulltime priest. So the visiting priest who celebrated Masses on weekends and for funerals was a priest whom we did not even know at all. Nor he us or my mother. What we did was to hold Catholic services at the funeral home which were presided by a deacon from another parish whom the family did know. (Some of the family is still in that area.) It was such a beautiful service. I had “On Eagles Wings” played. Family members and the deacon read from Scripture. He gave a wonderful uplifting talk with much encouragement. We recited prayers. A couple of us spoke of our memories. It lasted if I remember right, about 45 mins. Holy water was used by the deacon and he led us to the gravesite for a short service there as well where she was laid to rest. It worked well too because some of our family are practicing Catholics and some are no longer. And both were pleased with the service. The funeral director gave me a tape of the service which I still listen too each yr on the anniversary of her death several yrs later. There was a Mass intention said for her afterwards at my nominal parish which I did attend. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your loved ones at the passing of your grandmother. May she rest in peace my friend.

My brother passed away a few months ago, he lived in a small town and all his family lived in a city about an hours drive. He was to be buried in the city with family members. I talked to his parish priest and also my parish priest and they both agreed it would be OK to have his funeral at my parish so the family wouldn’t have to travel back and forth. My priest was wonderful and his Parish priest and 2 other priest were at his funeral. He also has 4 priests at his wake. Many of our family no longer practice their Catholic faith but they came anyway. Some have returned or are in the process. Many times a funeral Mass helps others as well as the deceased. God Bless, Memaw

 

[pianistclare]

It’s about what your mother would have wanted. It doesn’t matter that some are “uncomfortable” with a Catholic service.

They need to realize that their om was a protracting Catholic and respond accordingly.

May she rest in eternal peace.

 

[Sy_Noe]

My brother passed away a few months ago, he lived in a small town and all his family lived in a city about an hours drive. He was to be buried in the city with family members. I talked to his parish priest and also my parish priest and they both agreed it would be OK to have his funeral at my parish so the family wouldn’t have to travel back and forth. My priest was wonderful and his Parish priest and 2 other priest were at his funeral. He also has 4 priests at his wake. Many of our family no longer practice their Catholic faith but they came anyway. Some have returned or are in the process. Many times a funeral Mass helps others as well as the deceased. God Bless, Memaw

My condolences at your brother’s passing. My sister and her husband each passed away earlier in the year as well. Both were devout in their Catholic faith. Several of their adult grandchildren and at least one of their adult children no longer practice and to my knowledge none are in the process of returning. Also, yours is a slightly different scenario as your brother’s priest was only about an hour’s drive away. God bless you too, Memaw.

 

[FrDavid96]

Fr. David, (I assume you are Fr. and not just using the handle!)

Hopefully you read my previous post of the challenges I am facing due to the family member in charged being vehemently anti Catholic.

I am curious as to the minimum we can do for my mom and keep peace in the family.

Could you let me know what and how long a graveside rite may be? Perhaps the family can remain civilized for ~15 minutes.

There is every possibility obstacles may be presented to prohibit any Catholic influence. Unfortunately mom never put in writing what her wishes were.

Hopefully this can serve as some sort of a warning to those families so divided on faith to make such wishes crystal clear and take decisions out of family members hands so it just happens as matter of course.

Thanks again,

EP

Usually, I would suggest contacting the local Catholic priest where she passed. Even if she never “registered” she was still a member of that parish. I can see how that might be futile if you don’t know where to send him (ie, which funeral home).

The Church prefers a funeral Mass with the body present, but it seems that’s not going to be possible. That’s most unfortunate, but understand that if it’s not possible, then you’re not expected to do it.

Arlington is a rather busy place, of course, and that actually works to your benefit. There are a lot of Catholic clergy who can help. It’s going to depend on whatever religious affiliation they have on record for her, and who has the legal power to make changes. If the record says “Catholic” then they’ll allow a Catholic priest (or deacon) to do the burial rite. (I used to do burials at Arlington, so I know how things works from the priest’s perspective, but not the family’s perspective). It all comes down to what is in the official record for the deceased.

For your situation, unfortunately, the person with the final say is the “next of kin.” If that’s your sister (and it sounds like it), then she has the final say, even to the point of changing what’s already written. There’s no getting around that. It’s the law, and it’s DoD policy and Arlington will not vary from that, no way, no how.

If you can convince your sister, you can have a Catholic priest or deacon preside at the burial. In that case, she has to inform Arlington administration.

If there are no military honors, then it’s up to the family to arrange for clergy. That means you’d have to contact a priest/deacon in that area and ask him to do the service. If you reach this point (I hope you do) I can offer some suggestions on how to find one.

The gravesite service takes less than 5 minutes. That might help convince her.

Good luck, and prayers for your situation.

 

[Sy_Noe]

Usually, I would suggest contacting the local Catholic priest where she passed. Even if she never “registered” she was still a member of that parish. I can see how that might be futile if you don’t know where to send him (ie, which funeral home).

The Church prefers a funeral Mass with the body present, but it seems that’s not going to be possible. That’s most unfortunate, but understand that if it’s not possible, then you’re not expected to do it.

Arlington is a rather busy place, of course, and that actually works to your benefit. There are a lot of Catholic clergy who can help. It’s going to depend on whatever religious affiliation they have on record for her, and who has the legal power to make changes. If the record says “Catholic” then they’ll allow a Catholic priest (or deacon) to do the burial rite. (I used to do burials at Arlington, so I know how things works from the priest’s perspective, but not the family’s perspective). It all comes down to what is in the official record for the deceased.

For your situation, unfortunately, the person with the final say is the “next of kin.” If that’s your sister (and it sounds like it), then she has the final say, even to the point of changing what’s already written. There’s no getting around that. It’s the law, and it’s DoD policy and Arlington will not vary from that, no way, no how.

If you can convince your sister, you can have a Catholic priest or deacon preside at the burial. In that case, she has to inform Arlington administration.

If there are no military honors, then it’s up to the family to arrange for clergy. That means you’d have to contact a priest/deacon in that area and ask him to do the service. If you reach this point (I hope you do) I can offer some suggestions on how to find one.

The gravesite service takes less than 5 minutes. That might help convince her.

Good luck, and prayers for your situation.

I’m glad to see you now said a Mass is preferred rather than saying it should be held in answer to whether it was required. I found that somewhat confusing.

In our case, indeed I contacted the local parish. Mom passed quickly though and the priest did not get out in time. When he called, I had informed him she had already passed. He did offer the prayers of the parish priests and offered to go to the local funeral home. But I explained we were having the service out of state.

 

[El_PAso]

If you can convince your sister, you can have a Catholic priest or deacon preside at the burial. In that case, she has to inform Arlington administration.

So even with a graveside rite Arlington needs to be informed formally?

Sister has taken off to Europe till just before service in June so perhaps little chance of this…

But very helpful!

Thanks so much!

BTW I will say again; If you want a Catholic funeral rite PLEASE put in writing and don’t allow bickering and legality to get in the way as has happened here.

EP

 

[FrDavid96]

So even with a graveside rite Arlington needs to be informed formally?

Yes.

They have a legal obligation to abide by whatever the officially designated next of kin (or delegate) tells them. That have to do it that way, because otherwise they would have complete chaos. It’s not their job to decide who gets to make the decisions.

Sister has taken off to Europe till just before service in June so perhaps little chance of this…

But very helpful!

Thanks so much!

BTW I will say again; If you want a Catholic funeral rite PLEASE put in writing and don’t allow bickering and legality to get in the way as has happened here.

EP

I know you mean well, but putting it in writing doesn’t amount to anything. People think it does, but it does not.

What is important is to make sure that you delegate someone (whom you expect to survive your own death) whom you can trust to carry out your wishes and then leave that trusted person written instructions.

Finally, with regard to contacting a priest:

Try the three diocese of Arlington, Washington, and Baltimore (in that order). Contact the chanceries and ask for an available priest or deacon, and don’t forget to ask them to suggest a retiree.

Try calling the Theology department at Catholic University and ask for a priest.

Try Theological College (don’t forget to ask about a deacon).

Call the various and sundry religious order houses around Catholic University.

It might take you some time on the phone, but surely one of them will have a priest or deacon (don’t forget to ask about a deacon! Arlington Diocese alone has 90 of them) who can spare a few hours to assist at a burial.