Catholic G/Friend

[Andy46]

Hi

Could I begin by saying I don’t want to offend anyone here. I have never considered myself to be religious, and don’t really know anything about it, I was christened when younger but only ever attended chapel as my parents made me. However I’ve not stepped in one since around 16. I’m not aware that I have any religious beliefs or that they affect the way I live in anyway whatsoever. I also don’t see why anyone wants to follow the rules of a church. Shouldn’t we be free to decide to do what we want, who makes up all these rules anyway ?? ……… a few old guys in the church ??

I have however been dating a Catholic woman (her religion has only just been brought up) for 2 months. We met In a nightclub. I approached her as she wasn’t dressed / acting like something you’d find on a street corner like so many women who I assume also don’t follow any religion. We’ve seen each other a number of times now and so far so good. I admit I don’t believe in the rule of not having sex before marriage, but would prefer to wait a few weeks or even longer before sex. However I’m not willing to wait possibly years. After she pushed my attempt away last night I asked her why and the statement of ‘I don’t believe in sex until marriage came up’

I guess since we have such different view on this, and there being no middle ground to negotiate on, our only option is to break up. While I respect who she is I can’t agree with this rule. To be honest its strange as up until this, I wasn’t aware that she was that religious. Obviously I was wrong.

I’m just looking for comments on the situation really ?? …… I really don’t want to end things with her, but can’t see anyway around this.

Thanks

 

[Marilena]

Hi there,

Are you not willing to wait for her? I assume you respect her beliefs correct? Even if your not inclined to be religious, you
do respect her beliefs?

I will assume you do. That being the case, then you must respect her decision to wait until marriage before consumating
the marraige.

If you cannot deal with that, then it is best to part ways. One should not have to compromise their beliefs in order to satisfy someone else, no matter whether it is religious beliefs or not.

Iam not saying this to be prude or to knock you down. Only saying that she has made it clear to you that she wants to wait until marriage, and that is fair.

Have you decided to talk to her about it? That is the first thing
you should do. When you talk to her, don’t put pressure on her. State your feelings, and she will likely tell you she wont
change her mind.

That being the case, are you willing to wait until marraige? if not, then perhaps you should part company. It has to be fair to her and yourself. Its not a one way street.

She has a right to chastity before marraige, and she ought to be commended for it. Not alot of people are willing to wait for marriage, they want to go and flufill their desires. So, I think she is doing the righ thing.

Whether or not you agree is not up to me to decide. I can only tell you that she has to be respected in her decision to wait.
Its up to you and and her to have the discussion.

i hope i have been able to shed some light on the subject.

 

[mporz]

Sex is a very small part of a relationship when you love and respect the other person. This holds true even if you are not Catholic.

 

[jesusluv]

If you want to break it off because she won’t have sex before marriage, you really need to go ahead and do it. All that shows is that you don’t respect her and you see the relationship being empty and going nowhere unless sex is involved. That has nothing to do with religion, just respect for women.

 

[Rolltide]

Hi

Could I begin by saying I don’t want to offend anyone here. I have never considered myself to be religious, and don’t really know anything about it, I was christened when younger but only ever attended chapel as my parents made me. However I’ve not stepped in one since around 16. I’m not aware that I have any religious beliefs or that they affect the way I live in anyway whatsoever. I also don’t see why anyone wants to follow the rules of a church. Shouldn’t we be free to decide to do what we want, who makes up all these rules anyway ?? ……… a few old guys in the church ??

Actually, most of the morality of the Catholic Church has been around since the very beginning of civilization. Certainly, it’s been around at least as long as the Ten Commandments, which has been in place for more than 4000 years. In any case, these moral precepts developed in large part by mass consent.

Further, who’s to say we should be free to decide to do what we want? This is called “moral relativisim”, and the problem with it is, where does it stop? If I want to practice infanticide, is that acceptable? What about mercy killing (and in what circumstances)? What about theft? If that’s NOT acceptable, why not? Who says so? How does society decide on its rules? Generally, governments create the minimum number of laws that man can live by without society utterly collapsing. In contrast, the Catholic Church (and religion in general) envisions what life would be like in a perfect world. It creates the most complete moral code possible, even though it knows that no one will ever be able to completely live up to it, since all people sin.

I have however been dating a Catholic woman (her religion has only just been brought up) for 2 months. We met In a nightclub. I approached her as she wasn’t dressed / acting like something you’d find on a street corner like so many women who I assume also don’t follow any religion.

So, clearly you saw something different in her, something better in her than the normal people you date. That possibly is due to her morality. High standards are a good quality in a future mate.

We’ve seen each other a number of times now and so far so good. I admit I don’t believe in the rule of not having sex before marriage, but would prefer to wait a few weeks or even longer before sex. However I’m not willing to wait possibly years. After she pushed my attempt away last night I asked her why and the statement of ‘I don’t believe in sex until marriage came up’

I guess since we have such different view on this, and there being no middle ground to negotiate on, our only option is to break up. While I respect who she is I can’t agree with this rule. To be honest its strange as up until this, I wasn’t aware that she was that religious. Obviously I was wrong.

I’m just looking for comments on the situation really ?? …… I really don’t want to end things with her, but can’t see anyway around this.

Thanks

If you’re unwilling to compromise, then yes, you should give up. But… just a thought here… have you considered learning about her faith to try and understand WHY she believes what she believes? Ask yourself the question, “Why would someone consider pre-marital sex bad?” See how many different reasons you can come up with. But beyond that, why not learn about what the Catholic Church specifically believes and teaches. I’m not talking about conversion here, by the way, just learning about the faith so as to better understand her. I’d recommend reading the book “Catholicism for Dummies”. It’s inexpensive, and will give you a really good summary of our faith. (Do NOT get “The Idiot’s Guide to Catholicism”, which looks similar, because it has a few serious errors.)

 

[mtk76]

I found some irony in your statement that you talked with her because she didn’t act like a prostitute but now you want to break up with her because she has morals. I’d say you should have went for someone with the small mini skirt it would have saved you the time of posting here.

I would probably advise you to move on quickly since it is very doubtful you could have anything significant with this woman unless you had a change of heart.

 

[jmcrae]

I also don’t see why anyone wants to follow the rules of a church.

The rules of the Church are for our safety and protection in this life, and to help us become Saints so that we can go to Heaven when we die.

For example, the rule against sex outside of marriage sets dating couples free to get to know each other and learn about each other before they decide whether or not to get married. Having sex before marriage becomes a recreational pastime that often takes the place of getting to know each other.

Also, reserving sex for people who are married to each other means that each person only ever has one sex partner in his or her life, which cuts down on the potential for the spread of deadly diseases.

And reserving sex for married people reminds us that sex is not so much a recreational activity as it is a means for bringing children into the world. It’s a very nice means of doing so.

But bringing children into the world outside of marriage (usually by accident) is fraught with material difficulties and emotional pain - in a lot of cases, people in your situation who end up pregnant or getting someone pregnant opt for abortion, which ends up killing the baby, harming the mother, and destroying the friendship between the man and the woman.

Since God loves us, He doesn’t like to see us unhappy, or sick, or killing our own children out of desperation - that’s why He gave us this rule.

Shouldn’t we be free to decide to do what we want, who makes up all these rules anyway ?? ……… a few old guys in the church ??

The story of how God gave us the rules is found in Exodus chapter 19, verse 16, through to Exodus chapter 20, verse 21. Exodus is the second book of the Old Testament (the first section of the Bible). If you have a Bible, you can look it up, or else you can go HERE to see it in an Internet version of the Bible.

 

[water]

Hi

Shouldn’t we be free to decide to do what we want, who makes up all these rules anyway ?? ……… a few old guys in the church ??

I can’t blame you for not knowing much about the Church - you need to read the Bible.

If you truly want to know your lady better. You might want to find out what you misunderstand about the Church. If you pickup the Bible and read about what Jesus says about lust, sex and your salvation, you will have a better understanding while your lady wants to keep her virginity and to stay away from mortal sin.

 

[hasikelee]

Andy46,

I think a rude or smart aleck response would be the easiest thing here, but thinking over your post, it is obvious that you have come across someone who has made you stop and ask questions.

That is an important thing to do in our lives and it rarely happens. Simply the fact that you took time out of your life to ask her questions, to ask yourself questions and then to even ask questions on this board shows that she is appealing to you.

You seem to imply in your thread that the only option is to have sex with her or break up with her. But why not try a different way to see what happens? Is it really that hard to just try not having sex with her and instead focusing on growing closer and getting to know her? You may be pleasantly surprised.

I say it’s better to at least try instead of just giving up now. You might be passing up a beautiful, amazing girl.

And on a general note regarding sexual relationships: what is so bad about not having sex in a relationship? Unless you are fully committed to the woman, sex can be a huge stress! I wonder if it is different for guys, perhaps less to worry about? But for the women I know who are in a sexual relationship, they are constantly anxious and borderline unhappy. They are always worried about getting pregnant, they are always worried about their image, they are always worried about “are they ready” to serve their guy in case he wants “some” etc.

Having sex before making a solid commitment drains energy and time from focusing on getting to know the person.

I’m not here spouting off a bunch of religious junk. In a world where millions of people are infected with stds, 35% of women have children out of wedlock and aids is becoming our number one health concern, sex really isn’t worth it.

I’ve been in a beautiful relationship for 5 years without having sex and I am glad. I know what his intentions are and I feel relieved and able to focus on him, my career and school right now. When he is ready to be committed to me completely, we can enjoy all the sex we want.

 

[Andy46]

Hi

My apologies for posting here. I should have known that i wouldn’t gain a balanced view by trying to get help from people who are probably all Catholic themselves.

As for those who say am i not willing to compromise, by that you mean am i not willing to wait till marriage ?? … do you not think that view is a little one sided, what about my feelings ?? … if i could meet her in the middle i would, but although i would compromise, i assume there is no middle ground for her, its either sex once married or none atall. I find most of the respondents to my post to be very single minded which in itself worries me about your religion.

Andy

 

[hasikelee]

Hi

My apologies for posting here. I should have known that i wouldn’t gain a balanced view by trying to get help from people who are probably all Catholic themselves.

As for those who say am i not willing to compromise, by that you mean am i not willing to wait till marriage ?? … do you not think that view is a little one sided, what about my feelings ?? … if i could meet her in the middle i would, but although i would compromise, i assume there is no middle ground for her, its either sex once married or none atall. I find most of the respondents to my post to be very single minded which in itself worries me about your religion.

Andy

Andy, why do you feel that not having sex until marriage is wrong?

What is so bad about not having sex for awhile? Do you have any future plans for marriage? Are you starting to feel that she might be the one you want for the rest of your life?

And if you could protect her from harm, from death, from unhappiness, how much middle ground do you need? Do you only want her to get hurt a little but not a lot?

Nothing that you are grappling with has to do with religion. You are grappling with how much you love her and if you want to respect her wishes and protect her from unplanned pregnancies, stds, emotional harm and selfishness.

 

[Darrel]

Hi

My apologies for posting here. I should have known that i wouldn’t gain a balanced view by trying to get help from people who are probably all Catholic themselves.

As for those who say am i not willing to compromise, by that you mean am i not willing to wait till marriage ?? … do you not think that view is a little one sided, what about my feelings ?? … if i could meet her in the middle i would, but although i would compromise, i assume there is no middle ground for her, its either sex once married or none atall. I find most of the respondents to my post to be very single minded which in itself worries me about your religion.

Andy

If you don’t believe in anything then how are you compatible with someone who does? If your willing to sacrifice her and knowing her over sex then you must not feel strongly enough. If your interested in the truth of Gods Church thats a different matter. All of your questions have answers, it’s just a matter of the sex getting between you and her and God. So what are your priorities?

-D

 

[Andy46]

Hi

Thanks for the responses. Although i feel some of your posts are a little harsh saying that i am unwilling to compromise. If there were some middle ground i would compromise, but there isn’t, its either her way or split up. Don’t you think its unfair to me also ??

Bear in mind i’ve never come across this before. I’m 26 and to be honest i certainly don’t sleep around, infact i’ve only had sex a few times with one woman. I can understand your points of view, but for me all my mates talk about wanting sex / having sex all the time so the thought of not doing so seems completely alien to me. I suppose now its too late to think about it anyway. I’m panicking, not knowing what to think so the only way out will most likely be to discuss things with her before ending it.

I think part of me wishes i followed religion, wishes i had some of these rules to live by. Maybe then my life would feel as though it had more direction, but the fact is i’m not religious, none of my family is religious, none of my mates are religious so its not going to happen. Then of course theres the other side of me which thinks … and again, i don’t mean to offend, but the other side of me thinks this is all ridiculous.

Andy

 

[water]

I suggest you could do a little praying. It won’t harm you.

Do not think that because you have no one who is religious, you can’t believe in God.

You would never know that the lady you are going out with might be the chance for you to believe in God.

God does His works different way. God calls each of us different way. In my case, He works through my girlfriend who in turn brought me back to a good faith in God. This could be for you too!

Don’t give up the chance to get to know God - let you not have the moment of flesh pleasure and later lose your soul for it.

 

[hasikelee]

Hi

Thanks for the responses. Although i feel some of your posts are a little harsh saying that i am unwilling to compromise. If there were some middle ground i would compromise, but there isn’t, its either her way or split up. Don’t you think its unfair to me also ??

Bear in mind i’ve never come across this before. I’m 26 and to be honest i certainly don’t sleep around, infact i’ve only had sex a few times with one woman. I can understand your points of view, but for me all my mates talk about wanting sex / having sex all the time so the thought of not doing so seems completely alien to me. I suppose now its too late to think about it anyway. I’m panicking, not knowing what to think so the only way out will most likely be to discuss things with her before ending it.
Andy

Andy, if this woman is still interested in you and interested in growing closer to you, then it is never too late.

If you feel that sex meets a need for you, then it is something important to you and not something that you need to deny-forever.

But with our minds we can think ahead and plan. For example, you know that if you want to buy a house, you have to deny yourself a big screen tv, going out to eat, lots of extra purchases, etc, to save up for a house. It is temporary sacrifice for a big desire. In life, there are plenty of times where you have to put off something you want right now, to make things better down the road.

So as you continue to ask questions, think about how things are going in your life. If you really fall in love with this woman and things really do come together, well, you are 26 and that is an excellent time to be married. You may not have sex for 6 months to plan a marriage, but then you have a lifetime with a beautiful, loving woman to have plenty of sex.

Also, think how much of a sign this is to her. By temporarily not having sex, for her, you are telling her you love her and she is the most important part of your life. When women feel loved that way, they are definitely more sexually responsive and able to meet your needs.

Even though I haven’t had sex, I do know how you feel about being around people talking about sex all the time. It is a big focus for everyone right now. You can still focus on that and talk about it. It doesn’t mean you have to turn into a 40 year old virgin. It just means you have goals in life and you are making smart plans to meet them. Just like when people save up money to make a big purchase, or when they go to school instead of partying so that they can get a good degree. It is all about thinking ahead and making healthy, smart choices.

The good thing is that this choice also turns into a reward of lots of love and, well, sex.

 

[JohnnyXS676]

Andy,
I’ll give you the point that its harder for us Catholics to see things your way and to give consideration for your feelings, so maybe you could explain them. I’m not trying to be sarcastic or trying to offend, but would your reasoning for wanting sex before marraige is simply that it feels good? I think it is such a cultural norm for many people to have sex before marriage and I want to really challenge you to think about it for a while. I don’t want to sound like I’m preaching, but how much attention do you give to secular media, like TV, etc.? So many messages are recieved without us even thinking about it. Are we all just going to give in? I think we all desperately want to reach out to you, regardless of how unlikely you will stay with her or compromise.
I’m glad that you posted here and gave us the opportunity to respond to your situation, as we all want to reach out and provide some understanding. I really want to challenge you to think about what greater things may lie beyond in this relationship instead of just the here and now. It takes an extraordinary effort to be so counter-cultural today, but I will tell you that it is truly worth it.
Good luck and best wishes Andy and we are all praying for you.

-Johnny

 

[inJESUS]

hi Andy

am 100% positive that all will reply the same, after all, it’s a Catholic forum

Sometimes God puts people in our way, people who will make us see and realize things. This girl triggered your interest in religion. We all need morals to direct us because we alone cannot put limits. Step by step Jesus is leading his prodigal son

If your girl does want to abstain from sex, don’t try to change her mind by any means. Virginity is indeed a physical matter, but it’s more psychological . Your girl will be devastated if she “lost it” before marriage, even if she loves you. And, if yu are not sure she is the one you want to marry, the psycholigical damage might be higher that you might realize. Don’t think of it physically because the damage is 100% psychological.

Discuss things with her, and if you feel that sex is more important than her, then leave her alone because you’ll be hurting her. Am not sure there is a way in between, unless you want to cheat on her, which will prove to be hurtful if you love her, and which is a sin. I wish you all the good luck and i hope i’ll be telling you soon : welcome home

 

[ALLFORHIM]

Hi

Thanks for the responses. Although i feel some of your posts are a little harsh saying that i am unwilling to compromise. If there were some middle ground i would compromise, but there isn’t, its either her way or split up. Don’t you think its unfair to me also ??

Bear in mind i’ve never come across this before. I’m 26 and to be honest i certainly don’t sleep around, infact i’ve only had sex a few times with one woman. I can understand your points of view, but for me all my mates talk about wanting sex / having sex all the time so the thought of not doing so seems completely alien to me. I suppose now its too late to think about it anyway. I’m panicking, not knowing what to think so the only way out will most likely be to discuss things with her before ending it.

I think part of me wishes i followed religion, wishes i had some of these rules to live by. Maybe then my life would feel as though it had more direction, but the fact is i’m not religious, none of my family is religious, none of my mates are religious so its not going to happen. Then of course theres the other side of me which thinks … and again, i don’t mean to offend, but the other side of me thinks this is all ridiculous.

Andy

Hi,
Honestly, the reason you dont understand is because you were never raised in a religious household and she was. This type of morality is hard to understand if you dont look at it from God’s point of view. God created sex and it is good, but He also only created it to be between one man and one woman who are married. So, what you are dealing with is the wordly view that sex is fine as long as it is not hurting anyone. The truth , in God’s eye, you are degrading yourselves. I use to feel the same you do until I started to read God’s Word(the bible) and what He had to say about it. Let me just give you a couple of bible verses that might help you to understand.

1 Corinthians(New Testament) 6 : 12-20
6:12
“Everything is permissible for me”–but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”–but I will not be mastered by anything.
6:13
“Food for the stomach and the stomach for food”–but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
6:14
By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.
6:15
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!
6:16
Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, **but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. **6:19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
6:20
you were bought at a price. **Therefore honor God with your body **

**1 Corinthians 7:8-9
7:8
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
7:9
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. **

These above are pretty much saying if you want to have sex then GET MARRIED!! I hope these verses help you understand where God and your girlfriend are coming from.

Also as a parent of a 13 year old girl---- If my daughter were to tell me her boyfriend was being likeyou, I would say dump him because if he cant wait till marriage then he doesnt really love you. Im not saying that to be mean(because I dont know you) but that is the honest to God truth. If a man REALLY TRULY loves a woman he will love and respect her enough not to want to defile her body and his. That is what I teach my daughter as well. I teach her that if a man is willing to wait for sex HE MUST REALLY LOVE YOU!!!

I hope I have helped and I really hope and pray that you turn and find God. YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT!! AMEN

God Speed

 

[Nebuchadnezzar]

Hi

Thanks for the responses. Although i feel some of your posts are a little harsh saying that i am unwilling to compromise. If there were some middle ground i would compromise, but there isn’t, its either her way or split up. Don’t you think its unfair to me also ??

Bear in mind i’ve never come across this before. I’m 26 and to be honest i certainly don’t sleep around, infact i’ve only had sex a few times with one woman. I can understand your points of view, but for me all my mates talk about wanting sex / having sex all the time so the thought of not doing so seems completely alien to me. I suppose now its too late to think about it anyway. I’m panicking, not knowing what to think so the only way out will most likely be to discuss things with her before ending it.

I think part of me wishes i followed religion, wishes i had some of these rules to live by. Maybe then my life would feel as though it had more direction, but the fact is i’m not religious, none of my family is religious, none of my mates are religious so its not going to happen. Then of course theres the other side of me which thinks … and again, i don’t mean to offend, but the other side of me thinks this is all ridiculous.

Andy

Andy,

I am a former Protestant and before that I was a male slut. I am now Catholic and have been married for 7 years. My wife and I are following the Churches teaching on sex and marriage. Funny, but one of those “old Guys” is John Paul II the great, for an old celebate guy he had an amazing understanding of human relationships and women. Since we have been practicing as the Church teaches our love life has grown stronger. A lot stronger. I guess my advise to you would simply be, you are not going to get what you want from this lady even if you persuade her it is “ok”. The shame she will feel afterwards will undoubtably lead to a rift in the relationship or demands from her for marriage. This is not something I would think that you would want on your concience.

To give you the Coles notes of what the Church teaches: that sex is a gift from God to be the total giving of one another to each other and enoyed only inside of marriage where the couple are best suited to raise any children God blesses them with as they have comitted to each other for life. Outside of marriage sex is always for self gratification.

If you like, pick up the book by Christopher West: “The good news about sex and marriage”

 

[I_A]

There are things in life that are good and bad, there are also things that are sacred. A good example is a bible, there is sure paper is nice, ink is nice, but when it is but together and blessed it becomes something set apart.

Similarly with intercourse. Sex isn’t mearly a good thing, it is intended to be Holy. It is an image to us of God’s love for us, it is the channel He designed where we may participate with Him in bringing forth new life. As such taking sex outside of the total self-givign love and life-long committment marriage is, it takes what is holy and just treats it a mere good, common.

I have heard good thing about Christopher West’s book the poster before me mentioned.