Catholic Grief & Loss of Both Parents

[KnightIHSV]

In the past 6 years, I have lost both my parents. My parents were devout Catholics and both received the full Last Rites and passed, peacefully, in the friendship of our Lord. I do not doubt they are in Heaven and are enjoying their eternal reward.

My question is more for me (and I do feel pathetic writing this) but I am grieving their loss terribly. The loss of the second parent has been very hard going with the inevitable “adult orphan” feeling that comes about esp as I am 42 and only one of my other friends has lost both his parents. I did not expect to lose both my parents at this age and am between rejoicing that my parents are reunited (this is my major consolation) and terribly grief-stricken that I cannot speak with them as I so often did. I have older siblings who are similarly placed but we have to be strong for each other and children. But I am feeling this loss quite hard.

If anyone has any good Catholic resources or advice having gone through this experience, I would be very appreciative. I do not mean to complain, everyone has their cross to bear etc, but I just feel, at times, overcome by grief.

Thanks in advance for any assistance.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hope you can keep in contact with your siblings. I found that after my parents died, I was in contact with them more than ever. I understand how lost my singleton friends felt when they lost their parents. There is no one who quite* knows *the loss, if that makes sense.

I don’t know what you mean by “have to be strong” for each other and the children. One of the things that helps to transfer the loss to a sustaining memory is to take the memories out and share them with your siblings. The grandchildren will suffer a loss if they never hear these stories or see how they touch you. If “being strong” means avoiding talking about how much you treasure the memory of your parents and how you miss them, reconsider that. Talking about what you miss can very quickly go from the melancholy matter it is when you are alone to a sweeter thing when it is shared together out loud.

This doesn’t have to mean idealizing your parents. It can just take the form of hunting up your mother’s recipes or telling the grandchildren the tricks your dad taught you about the smartest way to go about fishing…or what an absolute terror of a youth baseball coach he was or that awful time your mother thought it would be a good idea to buy an entire bolt of plaid fabric so she could save money by making everyone in the family either a shirt or a dress out of it, or how mad your mom was when your dad came home with the puppy she said she didn’t think you ought to have and how she and that old dog came to be each other’s favorites…

Also consider that these stories will include mundane details that your children will find amazing: party phone lines, pay phones, collect calls, riding in station wagons with your feet dangling over the tail gate, the Davey Crockett hats that everybody in the neighborhood had but you, how you’d ride your bikes out of the driveway in the morning and not be seen again except for lunch until you got home at dinner time, how you hated getting up early when you were in grade school to go to make money berry-picking, how your little brother ate more than he got paid to pick, the homemade divinity that your grandmother was famous for, the funny story about your grandpa’s plan to keep a milk cow, the stories your parents told about their own grandparents.

 

[boomerang]

KnightIHSV, I lost my dad 10 years ago. I was very saddened by this, had a couple of crying spells, but got on with life. On July 31 this year, my mother died. It’s been almost a month and I was handling it pretty well, until yesterday. The last two days I have been so grief-stricken I sometimes think I can’t stand to live any longer. It just came out of the blue, when I heard a song that reminded me of her. My mom’s death is hitting me way harder than my Dad’s. I can’t sleep, my appetite is off and my ears are ringing loudly. I’m so nervous I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I find myself hyperventilating like I’m about to lose control. I feel unbearably sad. It’s all grief, and it will all pass. It will all pass. Keep telling yourself this.

The only practical advice I have is -

1. Keep busy
2. Don’t place yourself where you are constantly reminded of your parents, such as endlessly looking through photo albums or revisiting places they used to go.
3. Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of “if only” or “would have/could have/should have”
4. Be able to forgive yourself for not being a “perfect” child to your parents. Your parents probably weren’t perfect, and neither are you. No one is perfect in this life.
5. Rejoice that God blessed you with good, loving parents. Many people don’t have that.
6. Find something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be anything huge. A short trip out of town, taking a class, starting an art project or working on your home. Some reason to get yourself out of bed and focused on life without mom and dad. There is a life without parents, and you have to find it just like the rest of us. I’ll pray for you. Peace!

 

[EasterJoy]

KnightIHSV, I lost my dad 10 years ago. I was very saddened by this, had a couple of crying spells, but got on with life. On July 31 this year, my mother died. It’s been almost a month and I was handling it pretty well, until yesterday. The last two days I have been so grief-stricken I sometimes think I can’t stand to live any longer. It just came out of the blue, when I heard a song that reminded me of her. My mom’s death is hitting me way harder than my Dad’s. I can’t sleep, my appetite is off and my ears are ringing loudly. I’m so nervous I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I find myself hyperventilating like I’m about to lose control. I feel unbearably sad. It’s all grief, and it will all pass. It will all pass. Keep telling yourself this.

The only practical advice I have is -

1. Keep busy
2. Don’t place yourself where you are constantly reminded of your parents, such as endlessly looking through photo albums or revisiting places they used to go.
3. Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of “if only” or “would have/could have/should have”
4. Be able to forgive yourself for not being a “perfect” child to your parents. Your parents probably weren’t perfect, and neither are you. No one is perfect in this life.
5. Rejoice that God blessed you with good, loving parents. Many people don’t have that.
6. Find something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be anything huge. A short trip out of town, taking a class, starting an art project or working on your home. Some reason to get yourself out of bed and focused on life without mom and dad. There is a life without parents, and you have to find it just like the rest of us. I’ll pray for you. Peace!

When my dad died (several years after my mom), it was if my mom died all over again. I was not ready for that.

It is OK to revisit their memories, but I’d do it with someone who knew them. When it is overwhelming to think of those who have died, do it with someone who is still with you, preferably someone who shares your grief and makes it easier to feel grateful.

Yes, you have to grieve the child you weren’t and the parents they weren’t, but since your hope is to spend an eternity with your parents as saints, there is not a need to despair that.

 

[DeniseNY]

On August 30th, it will be four years since we lost my mother. All through her illlness, I felt like if she were to die, I wouldn’t know how I would be able to bear it. But, it happened and I did bear it. I was horribly grief stricken and I know I got through it only by the grace of God. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. That’s a lie. It never heals, but the pain lessens. I also find that with time, the crying jags that I experienced are spaced out farther. At first, I was crying every day. I was crying at the office, on the street, in church, in stores. Alone in my apartment, I would sob until I was completely exhausted. Now, it mainly happens on things like birthdays and holidays. The Liturgy tonight was in her remembrance and of course I cried.

Please don’t feel guilty or apologize for your feelings. You’ve gone through something very difficult. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and trust in the Lord. :hug1:

 

[signit]

In the past 6 years, I have lost both my parents. My parents were devout Catholics and both received the full Last Rites and passed, peacefully, in the friendship of our Lord. I do not doubt they are in Heaven and are enjoying their eternal reward.

My question is more for me (and I do feel pathetic writing this) but I am grieving their loss terribly. The loss of the second parent has been very hard going with the inevitable “adult orphan” feeling that comes about esp as I am 42 and only one of my other friends has lost both his parents. I did not expect to lose both my parents at this age and am between rejoicing that my parents are reunited (this is my major consolation) and terribly grief-stricken that I cannot speak with them as I so often did. I have older siblings who are similarly placed but we have to be strong for each other and children. But I am feeling this loss quite hard.

If anyone has any good Catholic resources or advice having gone through this experience, I would be very appreciative. I do not mean to complain, everyone has their cross to bear etc, but I just feel, at times, overcome by grief.

Thanks in advance for any assistance.

Well, first of all, I’m sorry to hear about your loss.

I lost Mom and Dad when I was even younger so I can imagine what your situation is like. But I’m still grateful that I had them for as long as I did; when I lost Dad, Mom commented that I had a father longer than she had a mother. Both Mom and Dad had serious illnesses, especially Mom, and I know wherever she is now can’t be as bad as what she was going through on earth.

This doesn’t have to mean idealizing your parents. It can just take the form of hunting up your mother’s recipes or telling the grandchildren the tricks your dad taught you about the smartest way to go about fishing…or what an absolute terror of a youth baseball coach he was or that awful time your mother thought it would be a good idea to buy an entire bolt of plaid fabric so she could save money by making everyone in the family either a shirt or a dress out of it, or how mad your mom was when your dad came home with the puppy she said she didn’t think you ought to have and how she and that old dog came to be each other’s favorites…

Also consider that these stories will include mundane details that your children will find amazing: party phone lines, pay phones, collect calls, riding in station wagons with your feet dangling over the tail gate, the Davey Crockett hats that everybody in the neighborhood had but you, how you’d ride your bikes out of the driveway in the morning and not be seen again except for lunch until you got home at dinner time, how you hated getting up early when you were in grade school to go to make money berry-picking, how your little brother ate more than he got paid to pick, the homemade divinity that your grandmother was famous for, the funny story about your grandpa’s plan to keep a milk cow, the stories your parents told about their own grandparents.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Mom and Dad in a positive way. Mom had her expressions and rules that I’ll never forget. And the story about the dog reminds me of how Mom was an animal lover who was always letting the neighbor’s dogs or cats in our house and feeding them.

–The grief in time does get lighter, until the days comes not so far in the future when you think of them and it’s mostly remembering love and happy memories rather than feeling the overwhelming sorrow and pain. Little by little, one substitutes the other.

Absolutely.

–Even tho many of my contemporaries still have both their parents…I think of those who lost a parent–or both–when *very *young, when they were children…and I feel so grateful that I was able to have mine for as long as I did.

This too.

I joke about how I grew up poor but I had advantages others didn’t. I had relatives who grew up in one-parent families, and even as a young adult Mom and Dad provided me with a place to live for free when I had no income; a lot of people don’t have that as a resource.

–As the years go on, I find I continue to learn from them…from their actions and their words, as if they are still with me. I have new revelations from what they tried to teach me or from what I observed them doing.
So they continue to help you and teach you even after they are gone.

True; every day of my life.

1. Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of “if only” or “would have/could have/should have”
2. Be able to forgive yourself for not being a “perfect” child to your parents. Your parents probably weren’t perfect, and neither are you. No one is perfect in this life.

This has been a difficult issue for me.

I think sometimes that I could have made diffferent decisions early on and I would have been in a better position to provide Mom and Dad with financial support, or could have at least afforded to move out of the house. But, I say to myself that it doesn’t matter at this point; Mom and Dad are no longer in a position where they’re inconvenienced because I’m not helping them, and I’m sure they’ve forgiven me for anything I might have done.

Good luck.

 

[KnightIHSV]

Thank you, all, so very much. I will respond in more detail later but I wanted to say thank you, to each of you, for your kind, detailed and generous responses, that have all given me much to think about. May God bless you all.

 

[Lea101]

I lost my mom when I was 15 and I couldn’t grieve properly. I found peace in self destructive behavior

My advice is to grieve properly. Let it alllll out. Cry your hardest if you have to. I didn’t and let me tell you, even now I go crazy sometimes. Don’t be like me!

Keep in touch with your relatives/family, as well as good friends. Don’t start any self destructive habits!

I’m sorry I don’t have amazing advice, but sometimes simple ones help?

 

[Memaw]

In the past 6 years, I have lost both my parents. My parents were devout Catholics and both received the full Last Rites and passed, peacefully, in the friendship of our Lord. I do not doubt they are in Heaven and are enjoying their eternal reward.

My question is more for me (and I do feel pathetic writing this) but I am grieving their loss terribly. The loss of the second parent has been very hard going with the inevitable “adult orphan” feeling that comes about esp as I am 42 and only one of my other friends has lost both his parents. I did not expect to lose both my parents at this age and am between rejoicing that my parents are reunited (this is my major consolation) and terribly grief-stricken that I cannot speak with them as I so often did. I have older siblings who are similarly placed but we have to be strong for each other and children. But I am feeling this loss quite hard.

If anyone has any good Catholic resources or advice having gone through this experience, I would be very appreciative. I do not mean to complain, everyone has their cross to bear etc, but I just feel, at times, overcome by grief.

Thanks in advance for any assistance.

I was 25 when in a little over a years time, I lost my saintly Mom, a beloved Aunt, my baby boy and 4 months later my loving husband ,(accident) . I prayed God would give me the strength to go on for the sake of my 4 other children and HE DID. Later on I lost my second husband to a heart attack, another son, my Dad, 2 brothers a sister and now have another brother in Hospice. God has been my strength thru it all and also the Blessed Mother. Jesus I TRUST in YOU. Your NOT ALONE! God Bless, Memaw

 

[Isca]

It’s very hard and you are entitled to grieve for as long as you need to. I lost my father and then my mum in a two-year period when I was in my mid-30s. My mum’s death was very traumatic, because she suffered a lot and I was with her as she died.

Now I’m a Catholic, I think about them in heaven - I have to believe they are with the Lord, even though they were not Catholics or even church-goers. What they were though was wonderful, kind, loving, generous, brave people who always did their best for others and were honest as the day is long.

I did at first feel jealous of people who still had their parents even though they were much older than me, but now I think that at least my parents were spared a decline into possible dementia and extreme frailty.

The great blessing to come from this is that my older sister and I are now extremely close, rather than just siblings, something that happened during the time we cared for mum in her last days. It changed our relationship for ever and we speak every single day. She is my physical link to those happy childhood days and I’m the same thing for her.

My advice would be to remember always that this is the natural way - our parents die before us, and we mourn them but remember them with love, always. I don’t often cry about my parents’ deaths these days (it’s well over 20 years ago now), but they are in my thoughts every single day and they always will be. You will be the same, no doubt. Occasionally a little thing happens which brings a tear to my eye, but often also a smile.

 

[bmaj]

I’m very sorry to hear the grief you’re experiencing, KnightIHSV. It’s so, so hard. I lost both my parents within a few months’ time when I was about your age. So much excellent advice has been given above to you, and it warmed my heart to read it as well. I’m sure it’s helping others who may be reading this thread, too. If I could add something that’s been a wonderful consolation to me, it would be that now (many years later), whenever I feel the pangs of grief of missing my parents, I try to say a prayer for their souls. It helps not only them but me! It’s been taught that we can’t assume someone is in Heaven, no matter how loving and saintly they may have been to us, and purgatory can be terribly painful for as long as it may last, so anyone who has passed can benefit greatly from our prayers for them, and they, in turn, can pray for us.

I have also found that I’ve been blessed by several apparent “signs” through the years that my parents are still close by to me to help and guide me when I need it, and if you watch for such indications, you may likely discover them yourself as well. Geographical distance from us no longer has to be a barrier for our parents, and they may very likely be even closer to us now than they were when they were alive! May Our Lord and His Blessed Mother help give you strength and consolation always.

 

[EasterJoy]

I lost my mom when I was 15 and I couldn’t grieve properly. I found peace in self destructive behavior

My advice is to grieve properly. Let it alllll out. Cry your hardest if you have to. I didn’t and let me tell you, even now I go crazy sometimes. Don’t be like me!

Keep in touch with your relatives/family, as well as good friends. Don’t start any self destructive habits!

I’m sorry I don’t have amazing advice, but sometimes simple ones help?

These are all good.

The rule I came up with is this: When you are depressed or just down, do not self-medicate with anything that is a depressant or habit-forming. Those are things you ought to only indulge in when it is a “feast day” and give up when it is a “fast day.” If you can’t give them up when it is time to fast and do penance, you have a problem. (Actually: that last rule was my dad’s!!)

Do self-care, instead: seek out a friend, go for a walk, journal if that helps you, clean out your closet if that distracts you, but do something that would be a good life-long habit in such times.

 

[boomerang]

I was 25 when in a little over a years time, I lost my saintly Mom, a beloved Aunt, my baby boy and 4 months later my loving husband ,(accident) . I prayed God would give me the strength to go on for the sake of my 4 other children and HE DID. Later on I lost my second husband to a heart attack, another son, my Dad, 2 brothers a sister and now have another brother in Hospice. God has been my strength thru it all and also the Blessed Mother. Jesus I TRUST in YOU. Your NOT ALONE! God Bless, Memaw

:crying: :bighanky: :hug1:

I don’t know how you did it, Memaw. I only lost my mother in her old age and I feel like falling apart sometimes. I have come to the conclusion that I am a terrible coward.

 

[Memaw]

:crying: :bighanky: :hug1:

I don’t know how you did it, Memaw. I only lost my mother in her old age and I feel like falling apart sometimes. I have come to the conclusion that I am a terrible coward.

We’re all cowards once in awhile. I thought I was gonna fall apart many times but I begged God to help me and HE did. HE gave me the strength to make it thru another day and another, It’s been 53 years since my first Husband died and once in awhile I still cry thinking about it. He died a week after Kennedy was shot. I was still in shock over that. We lost a baby boy 4 months before. I Had a wonderful priest that helped me so much, He lost his Dad at age 9 so he was able to help my 4 boys too. God put many wonderful people in my life over the years.I think if we look around we will see the “angels” God sends us. It’s good to talk about it. My kids and I talked and talked and cried and cried, Both are good for you. I kept a close relationship with both sets of my in-laws, after their sons died. The Grandkids loved them all. Their all gone now too. My second husband was an identical twin and his brother and wife stayed very close to all my kids. That helped them a lot. They are both gone now too. So much to be thankful for but the most to me is that both my husbands were converts, That I will always be grateful for. The memories are precious. Both my husbands were quite young when they died and now I jokingly tell the kids they probably neither one will want an old lady like me. You take her, no you take her!!! Helps to have sense of humor too. God Bless, Memaw

 

[boomerang]

We’re all cowards once in awhile. I thought I was gonna fall apart many times but I begged God to help me and HE did. HE gave me the strength to make it thru another day and another, It’s been 53 years since my first Husband died and once in awhile I still cry thinking about it. He died a week after Kennedy was shot. I was still in shock over that. We lost a baby boy 4 months before. I Had a wonderful priest that helped me so much, He lost his Dad at age 9 so he was able to help my 4 boys too. God put many wonderful people in my life over the years.I think if we look around we will see the “angels” God sends us. It’s good to talk about it. My kids and I talked and talked and cried and cried, Both are good for you. I kept a close relationship with both sets of my in-laws, after their sons died. The Grandkids loved them all. Their all gone now too. My second husband was an identical twin and his brother and wife stayed very close to all my kids. That helped them a lot. They are both gone now too. So much to be thankful for but the most to me is that both my husbands were converts, That I will always be grateful for. The memories are precious. Both my husbands were quite young when they died and now I jokingly tell the kids they probably neither one will want an old lady like me. You take her, no you take her!!! Helps to have sense of humor too. God Bless, Memaw

You sound like an awesome lady, Memaw. Tell me, after your second husband died, was it strange and uncomfortable to look at his twin brother considering the resemblance? Or was it comforting in a way?

 

[Memaw]

You sound like an awesome lady, Memaw. Tell me, after your second husband died, was it strange and uncomfortable to look at his twin brother considering the resemblance? Or was it comforting in a way?

No it wasn’t strange, I was so used to him being around but the kids sure loved it. They were so much alike I think it made them miss their Dad less. It eased their loss. He and his Mom spent so much time with us while my husband was sick and his Mom would come and spend a couple weeks, even spent the whole summer right after wards .His wife was soo good too. My husband and his brother were never apart for very long, so I know his brother missed him terrible but he was still there for us. I had 4 brothers so my sons never lacked for men in their life. That’s what families are for and I was so very BLESSED. I pray every day at Mass for all who have lost loved ones. I do understand! God Bless, Memaw