Catholic guy dating semi-Catholic girl

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Hey guys, I’m new here at CAF. I’ve been wrapping my mind around/praying about a situation I’m currently going through and I’d like some (name removed by moderator)ut and advice on what to do about it, so I’m just going to lay it all out for you here and you can give your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m a 16 year old practicing Catholic, and I try my absolute hardest to give the total “assent of faith” to our wonderful Church’s teachings. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 months now, and she’s a Catholic in name but she’s been going with her family to a local evangelical Baptist megachurch for a few years now after some elderly, stuttering priests turned her family off from Catholicism. She describes herself as “overall Catholic” but she’s built up a good few anti-Catholic sentiments over the years she’s been away from the Church. She has called me naive for trusting my parish priests (Who I have known, and they’re genuine, good guys) in reference to the Catholic priest sex abuse scandal (She doesn’t exactly get the whole principle that the actions of a few priests don’t represent the actions of all priests). I’ve repeatedly brought up the idea that it’s not really about the charismatic service (i.e. the singing, dancing, music, moving sermons, etc.) as it is about the real miracle that happens in Catholic churches, the consecration of the Eucharist, but she doesn’t really see the Eucharist as all that important. And I don’t think we can get 3 days without her saying how boring and undiplomatic priests are and that they should take a speech class to be able to speak like the charismatic pastor at her Baptist church. I’ll admit, some (not all) of our priests aren’t terrible exciting, but she brings it up over and over again with me. In addition to this, she’s got a lot of questions. She tests everything by her own logic, and if it doesn’t pass her smell test it gets tossed. This basically rules out lots of our Catechism because unless she sees a definite reason why she should or shouldn’t do something, she won’t accept it. I can look up and produce a lot of reasons to refute her arguments, but some stuff still just needs to be taken on faith. She’s also mentioned to me her doubts about the True Presence and the necessity of going to a priest for the absolution of sins. But here’s the twist; it’s taken me a while to realize this, but she doesn’t really want to be Catholic. She just wants to sit on the fence between denominations and take the pieces of each that she likes. I know it’s a rocky place to be; I watched my old Spanish teacher go down that path before I started dating this girl. In summation, I really like being with this girl, but her religious pluralism between Catholic and Baptist faiths is starting to get to me. It’s really the only rocky area of our relationship, but some days I just wish we would be on the same playing field when I came to talking faith. For me it would almost be easier if she was raised Baptist because at least she wouldn’t be on the fence and I would have my beliefs and she would have hers. But because I’m not really sure what her faith is in regards to various different doctrines, it makes it hard to have faith discussions and we can’t deepen our relationship very much on that level. Has anyone else had a similar experience as I’m having? How did you deal with it? What advice would you offer me? I really like this girl; this is really the only main area of contention in our relationship.

In Christ,
Marioman
 
My Fiance and I were in a slightly similar situation…sort of…

He was/is a devote Christian who was raised Pentecostal but rejected it’s teaching…when I met him he was trying to figure out which denomination was right for him.

I was a fallen away cradle Catholic who hadn’t practiced her faith in years and was generally agnostic.

We met and fell for each other. The discussions about faith began right away. He was so knowledgable about Christianity…every single aspect of it. He had spent the better part of twenty years studying it on his own based on his own interests. He had gone to a small private pentecostal school…and learned as much as he could about the bible.

He had already started warming to Catholicism based on it’s History…based on the Church founders and it’s traditions. I started discovering my faith again because of what he taught me. When we went to Church…it was a Catholic church. That was almost 4 years ago. We are now about done with RCIA and are getting married in the Church in two months.

You have two options.
Option 1: Since she is already a Christian and believes the tomb is empty…you need to talk to her about Church history and why it’s so important. It’s a thorn in the side of many protestants. They can’t really explain the nearly 1200 years of time between Christ establishing his Church and Martin Luther coming alone. The Church fathers, the Martyrs, the founders…she needs to know why the Catholic Church is the one true church.
Explaining the Eucharist is a tough one. It took me some time and reading to understand the presence.
Basically…for me…I started getting it in baby steps. My Fiance had to start from the beginning with me and affirm that the Tomb was indeed empty and we moved on from there. I learned about Church history and that had me recognize the validity of the Catholic Church and through that I began to understand the presence in the Eucharist and all of the other teachings in the Catechism. I had to learn it in a specific order so I could move on to the next step. Otherwise I was questioning everything and arguing everything.

Option 2: Break up with her? I understand you like her and I’m sure she is sweet and kind…but having a schism with your faiths…especially if she is as harsh as she is towards Catholicism and won’t listen…it may be time for you to move on. I’ve found that differences in Politics, Religion and Baseball/Football teams seriously complicate relationships…you can make it work and people do it all the time…but you are so young and may be able to find someone better.

My Fiance was patient with me and always stood his ground…but he also had an encyclopedia of knowledge within his brain…couple that with a bible and the ready and google…and he was impossible to argue with. He was just correct…plain and simple. You have to be that person.

I was interested and willing to listen…which is a big hurdle. Listening and asking questions was what got me where I am now. I went on my own little journey of discovery and realized my Christianity…but someone had to plant the seed. She needs to be able to listen and not be so dismissive. If she can’t she may be too immature right now.
 
Kelfa28 said:
My Fiance and I were in a slightly similar situation…sort of…

He was/is a devote Christian who was raised Pentecostal but rejected it’s teaching…when I met him he was trying to figure out which denomination was right for him.

I was a fallen away cradle Catholic who hadn’t practiced her faith in years and was generally agnostic.

We met and fell for each other. The discussions about faith began right away. He was so knowledgable about Christianity…every single aspect of it. He had spent the better part of twenty years studying it on his own based on his own interests. He had gone to a small private pentecostal school…and learned as much as he could about the bible.

He had already started warming to Catholicism based on it’s History…based on the Church founders and it’s traditions. I started discovering my faith again because of what he taught me. When we went to Church…it was a Catholic church. That was almost 4 years ago. We are now about done with RCIA and are getting married in the Church in two months.

You have two options.
Option 1: Since she is already a Christian and believes the tomb is empty…you need to talk to her about Church history and why it’s so important. It’s a thorn in the side of many protestants. They can’t really explain the nearly 1200 years of time between Christ establishing his Church and Martin Luther coming alone. The Church fathers, the Martyrs, the founders…she needs to know why the Catholic Church is the one true church.
Explaining the Eucharist is a tough one. It took me some time and reading to understand the presence.
Basically…for me…I started getting it in baby steps. My Fiance had to start from the beginning with me and affirm that the Tomb was indeed empty and we moved on from there. I learned about Church history and that had me recognize the validity of the Catholic Church and through that I began to understand the presence in the Eucharist and all of the other teachings in the Catechism. I had to learn it in a specific order so I could move on to the next step. Otherwise I was questioning everything and arguing everything.

Option 2: Break up with her? I understand you like her and I’m sure she is sweet and kind…but having a schism with your faiths…especially if she is as harsh as she is towards Catholicism and won’t listen…it may be time for you to move on. I’ve found that differences in Politics, Religion and Baseball/Football teams seriously complicate relationships…you can make it work and people do it all the time…but you are so young and may be able to find someone better.

My Fiance was patient with me and always stood his ground…but he also had an encyclopedia of knowledge within his brain…couple that with a bible and the ready and google…and he was impossible to argue with. He was just correct…plain and simple. You have to be that person.

I was interested and willing to listen…which is a big hurdle. Listening and asking questions was what got me where I am now. I went on my own little journey of discovery and realized my Christianity…but someone had to plant the seed. She needs to be able to listen and not be so dismissive. If she can’t she may be too immature right now.
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I agree with this post. Marioman, try to make her rediscover her faith. She probably doesn’t know about our traditions. In fact maybe you don’t either. A good place to start is here:
catholic.com/tracts

I wish the best for you two. Marioman, be patient. Only time will tell. Pray to God for her.
 
marioman said:
Hey guys, I’m new here at CAF. I’ve been wrapping my mind around/praying about a situation I’m currently going through and I’d like some (name removed by moderator)ut and advice on what to do about it, so I’m just going to lay it all out for you here and you can give your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m a 16 year old practicing Catholic, and I try my absolute hardest to give the total “assent of faith” to our wonderful Church’s teachings. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 months now, and she’s a Catholic in name but she’s been going with her family to a local evangelical Baptist megachurch for a few years now after some elderly, stuttering priests turned her family off from Catholicism. She describes herself as “overall Catholic” but she’s built up a good few anti-Catholic sentiments over the years she’s been away from the Church. She has called me naive for trusting my parish priests (Who I have known, and they’re genuine, good guys) in reference to the Catholic priest sex abuse scandal (She doesn’t exactly get the whole principle that the actions of a few priests don’t represent the actions of all priests). I’ve repeatedly brought up the idea that it’s not really about the charismatic service (i.e. the singing, dancing, music, moving sermons, etc.) as it is about the real miracle that happens in Catholic churches, the consecration of the Eucharist, but she doesn’t really see the Eucharist as all that important. And I don’t think we can get 3 days without her saying how boring and undiplomatic priests are and that they should take a speech class to be able to speak like the charismatic pastor at her Baptist church. I’ll admit, some (not all) of our priests aren’t terrible exciting, but she brings it up over and over again with me. In addition to this, she’s got a lot of questions. She tests everything by her own logic, and if it doesn’t pass her smell test it gets tossed. This basically rules out lots of our Catechism because unless she sees a definite reason why she should or shouldn’t do something, she won’t accept it. I can look up and produce a lot of reasons to refute her arguments, but some stuff still just needs to be taken on faith. She’s also mentioned to me her doubts about the True Presence and the necessity of going to a priest for the absolution of sins. But here’s the twist; it’s taken me a while to realize this, but she doesn’t really want to be Catholic. She just wants to sit on the fence between denominations and take the pieces of each that she likes. I know it’s a rocky place to be; I watched my old Spanish teacher go down that path before I started dating this girl. In summation, I really like being with this girl, but her religious pluralism between Catholic and Baptist faiths is starting to get to me. It’s really the only rocky area of our relationship, but some days I just wish we would be on the same playing field when I came to talking faith. For me it would almost be easier if she was raised Baptist because at least she wouldn’t be on the fence and I would have my beliefs and she would have hers. But because I’m not really sure what her faith is in regards to various different doctrines, it makes it hard to have faith discussions and we can’t deepen our relationship very much on that level. Has anyone else had a similar experience as I’m having? How did you deal with it? What advice would you offer me? I really like this girl; this is really the only main area of contention in our relationship.

In Christ,
Marioman
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  1. *]she is testing you and, or you stand up to the test, or you are down. She is a good occasion to deepen your faith;
    *]remember that you are in the winning team: you must win;
    *]do not defend our priests. I DO NOT go to the Church for the priests, I go to adore Jesus Christ.
    *]Singing and Dancing and the like, I do in the Disco and Dancing Floors. You may do in the Church, OK, but it is not essential. Moreover is more confortable in the Disco bars.
    *]If she does not see the Eucharist as that important you must bang it til the end, even if it takes 1000 times in 1000 days. That is the essential part. Who are their pastors? Zero. Who is Jesus Christ? the Infinite, the Master. Their priests will die, Jesus never. We will be living with him in 1 million years time. Where are her pastors then?
    *]Doubts about Eucharist and Confession everybody has. She must decide her faith: does she believe or not? Bang 1000 times.
    *]No, in-between is a very unconfortable place to be. She must be Catholic. 1000 times.
    *]No, it is better where she is now than if she was a full tie Evangelist.

    In short: Love her and be ready for a long, long, very long war of attriction (do you know what is that?). Never waiver, never give up. You are on the right side of the fence. But, boy, God gave us religious freedom, so she can choose. Now, remember that for every argument she has, the RCC has 1 million arguments against. the RCC has 2000 years and the Evangelics?? Stay put, keep courage and study. Study hard every argument of her. Think hard how to transmit it to her.

    And when times get rough, just bang, bang, bang…till the end of times…
    what else can you do?
    Ho! I forgot! Pray every day for her…
 
The purpose of dating is to discern marriage.

First of all at 16, why are you exclusively dating someone for 8 months? You do not have marriage on the horizon for at least 2-6 years. It is not a good idea to date exclusively at this point in your life, especially for long terms like 8 months where you get emotionally attached to someone who you cannot possibly marry. This leads to many temptations and emotional turmoil.

Secondly, in this case dating has worked-- you hav realized that there is a deal breaker in your midst. This girl has left the Catholic faith, and is likely not coming back. Remember that the purpose of marriage is unity of spouses and the begetting and raising of children in the Catholic faith. You will be the spiritual head of the household and your wife will have the hugely important job of raising your children and passing on the faith to them. The most important gift you can give to your children is a devoutly Catholic mother and father. Not a lukewarm mother. Not a non-Catholic mother. Not a spouse with whom you will constantly be arguing, and who will perhaps insist on teaching your children non-Catholic beliefs or worse will refuse to raise them Catholic.

Move on. Lesson learned. I know you like her, have fun with her, etc. But that is not what makes a marriage. And, remember, that is the purpose of dating.
 
Thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I think what it boils down to for me is a discernment question (with prayer of course) to figure out whether to keep the relationship going.
 
marioman said:
Thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I think what it boils down to for me is a discernment question (with prayer of course) to figure out whether to keep the relationship going.
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At 16, you aren’t going to be with this girl long-term. And if by some fluke, you managed to stay with her for another 2 years and then decided it was time to marry her (I know, I’m not recommending that, stay with me), you would then have married a Catholic who is in heresy, or heading rapidly in that direction. Imagine trying to convince her to be open to life and not use contraceptives. Imagine when you manage to have children, trying to convince her to allow them to be baptised, let alone raised in the faith.

Whatever you have in common now is not as important as the very FOUNDATION of your life. And unlike a previous poster, I do NOT believe it is your job to save her from being evangelized into this mega-church. You can get so wrapped up in doing “missionary work” that you lose your own faith. Seen it happen. Don’t try to be the Holy Spirit, He can do His own work.

Wish her well and move along. Offer prayers for her at Mass. And thank God that you didn’t convince yourself that it wasn’t important, because it is. It is THE most important aspect of discerning marriage. Find someone who will help you get to heaven, and get your children to heaven. And let go of the expectation that you need to do that now. You aren’t even in college yet!
 
It is good that you are questioning these things. Does she know that, if she has these questions of her faith, she should not be receiving the Holy Eucharist? My advice is to deepen your faith and let God reveal all that He wants to you… read sacred scripture, read books from the saints, get to know your priest and PRAY. The more rooted you are in your faith, the more truths God will reveal to you and a. you will be a whitness for her to come back to the Church, or b. He will let you know that it’s time to move past this realtionship. Either way my friend, you are young! 🙂
 
marioman said:
Thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I think what it boils down to for me is a discernment question (with prayer of course) to figure out whether to keep the relationship going.
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Consider this quote from St. Isidore of Seville, Doctor of the Church:

"*Therefore, heresy is so-called from the Greek word meaning choice, by which each chooses according to his own will what he pleases to teach or believe. But we are not permitted to believe whatever we choose, nor to choose whatever someone else has believed. We have the Apostles of God as authorities, who did not themselves of their own will choose what they would believe, but faithfully transmitted to the nations the teaching received from Christ.

So, even if ‘an Angel from Heaven’ should preach otherwise, he shall be called anathema*." (Etymologies, 8, 3)

Your friend is content to be a heretic, in the root sense of the word, and looks down on you because you do not join her. She does this not for deeply-held reasons, but because she values presentation values over substance. Not only does she not begin to fathom the riches of the sacraments; she does not want to! I predict that if you were to marry her, she would make it very difficult for you to continue to practice your faith, not to mention nearly impossible to raise your children Catholic.

Consider also what St. Teresa of Avila had to say:
“It frightens me sometimes to think of the harm a bad companion can do, and if I hadn’t experienced it I wouldn’t believe it. Especially during adolescence the harm done must be greater. I should like parents to learn from my experience to be very watchful in this matter.”

You don’t live in the 16th century. You choose your own friends. Be watchful of yourself in this matter, then.
 
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