Catholic Husband : Mormon Wife - Moral Dilemma

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Hello,

Some of you may remember me. I am a new Catholic. I was received into the Church at the Easter Vigil last March. My wife is not a Catholic. In fact, I left the church of our upbringing (Mormon) and marriage to be a Catholic because that is where the truth lies and I want a relationship with our Lord. My wife supports my decision, but was deeply hurt since through my conversion I renounced my Mormon temple marriage with her, which is deemed necessary by Mormons to enable a couple’s salvation together as eternally-married partners in Mormonism’s highest heaven. As a Catholic, I cannot use contraception. Before my conversion, we both used contraception. We have two wonderful boys, but my wife fears a pregnancy due to her age and legitimate health concerns and absolutely refuses to give NFP a try for those reasons. Her reproductive health is not good, so I completely understand. But she doesn’t understand my reluctance to use contraception and is frankly offended by it. She makes off-hand negative comments about the Church when I try to explain my view and my faith, which makes me angry (but shouldn’t). But I also feel guilty since I know she longs for intimacy with me, but my reluctance to use contraception means we aren’t intimate by my free choice, which has damaged our emotional intimacy. I get very depressed on occasion since it all seems so hopeless. I truly feel that I must choose between my Catholic faith (or God, there is no difference) and showing love and concern for my wife’s feelings and needs. I hate that I am in this position. It’s so upsetting. Our marriage is suffering and our boys are a few years away from the time when the problems will begin to affect them and turn them into angry teens. I pray constantly to God and His Blessed Mother. I pray the Rosary. I attend daily mass as often as possible. I pray for answers but so far none are forthcoming. I’ve talked with a priest, but not much is said beyond “that’s a very difficult situation” and brief mention of the Pauline Privilege (1 Corinthians 7). I definitely don’t want to go down that path. I love my wife. I don’t know what else to do.

Any advice? Thanks in advance.

God Bless,
NewSeeker
 
I am a lifelong Catholic, and believe me, I really am no expert but I think probably one of the first things that you need to do is get with a priest that you can fully trust and sit down with him. There are several heavy issues on the table here, and you are never going to solve all of them on your own. You can probably understand a bit of where your wife is starting from- you were once mormon yourself. She may never be ready to cross the tiber, so to speak, and you have to be preparred for that. also, when i was a youth minister i was really into mentorship. i strongly believe that all young catholics (and new catholics for that matter) should get themselves a good mentor to be able to talk with. in the end, you can only be responsible for your own soul, and welcome home! we will all pray for a resolution to your problem. twk
 
Could her resentment be more about your new faith and less about the physical intimacy issue? In a way, you have renounced her beliefs and way of life. Could she be taking that more personally than she lets on? I know that when my former husband ridiculed my religious beliefs, I resented it. Being Catholic has made me who I am. I can’t separate my religious beliefs and feelings from any other beliefs or feelings I have.
I know that you would never ridicule her religion, but maybe she feels abandoned or unaffirmed because you no longer think alike.

It’s just a thought.
 
Have you gotten information about NFP to show her… like how its 99 percent effective; same as the pill and how it strengthens marriages, enhances communications, teaches self discipline, and the divorce rate for users is like 2% compared to today’s 50%? I say find some good pamphlets online by couple to couple league showing how it is scientifically proven to be effective and not the “Rhythm Method” my silly doctor likes to call it!

In the end, other Catholics like you have faced this before. Technically, it is not wrong for you I believe to have relations with your wife if she is contracepting and you are not and you have informed her about the wish to use NFP. For the sake of the marriage, it would be fine I think unless you yourself used a condom. Others with more moral understanding please chime in, and yes speak to a priest, but I believe that is how ultimately things could happen even if she refuses NFP.
 
Agree with above posters. Do what you can to show her the effectiveness of NFP. The Sympto-Thermal Method talks about “Phase III Rules” - this is basically avoiding relations for most of the month, and only having relations AFTER it is clear that the woman has ovulated. This is a very conservative method, and is not the one most commonly used, but for some who need the most assurance of avoiding pregnancy, this is the way to go. Maybe you’ll end up with only once or twice a month, but it would be better than nothing. In fact, considering that there are failure rates with all forms of artificial contraception, I would feel safer using Phase 3 rules than anything artificial, which would have you having relations at any time in her cycle.

Also, perhaps a promise that you will do most of the work would soften her to it a bit. It might look like this. Say you were using the sympto-thermal method of NFP. You and she would learn about the method. Every morning, your alarm would go off, and you would turn on the digital thermometer and hand it to your wife. After she takes her temp, you set it back down on the nightstand and you both go back to sleep. When you get up, you write down her temp on the chart. So far she has done nothing but hold a thermometer in her mouth for 30 seconds. Throughout the day, your wife checks her mucus signs when she goes to the bathroom. At the end of the day, you ask her what her mucus is like and you write it down on the chart. You and she can look at the chart together and interpret it. The hardest thing your wife would do is watch her mucus, which becomes very easy, and almost impossible not to do with repetition.
 
Hi friend,

Just want you to know you are in my prayers.

You have my email, use it if you need to. Or just want to!

God Bless,

KC
 
Isn’t it true that in a case like this, if the Catholic spouse has done all in his power to educate and convince his non-Catholic spouse about contraception, but she still insists upon using it and sees nothing morally wrong with it, per her own faith, that he is allowed to make love with his wife and he commits no sin?

If this logjam is going to destroy this marriage, perhaps the solution is for him to follow his beliefs, her to follow hers, in the area of contraception, and then they try to live together as peacefully as they can.
 
Newseeker,

I’m not sure what advice I can give you, but I can possibly shed a little light on what your wife is going through.

My husband reconnected with his Catholic Faith about a year after our marriage. I was totally unprepared for this, and was pretty much blown out of the water. All the sudden my husband began making decisions that had huge repercussions on our marriage and he was making them based on his newly refound faith without even consulting me. It rattled my faith, my marriage, and my very being to the core.

I cannot imagine how your wife must be feeling right now. In her eyes you have decided to not be intimate with her, you have changed religions, renounced your marriage, and basically changed the entire rules of the game. Did you talk to her at all about this? Have you stopped to think about the impact that your decisions have had on her? As difficult as this is on you, it is exponentially so on her.

I would find a marriage counselor and fast, because the longer this stuff festers the worse it will get, especially for her. Believe me I know from expierence, if we had not gotten counseling when we did, our marriage would be in shambles right now. On that note, get a marriage counselor outside of both your faiths, but who has a committed belief that marriages should be worked out. Talk to a priest (not the one who offered up the Pauline thing…seriously to tell someone to throw the towel in is rubbish), and figure out some trade spaces and area’s you can possibly work with her.

Also be prepared for this to be HARD. I am Lutheran and my husband is Catholic, the religious gap between us isn’t that wide and we sturggle with it at times, yours is much wider. There is not going to be a simple or easy catch all answer, and you have to be ready for that.

Good Luck, and best of wishes
 
I think Alix has given you some great advice.

I am not in your situation, but I can try to imagine what this must be like for your wife. My husband and I are both Catholic, were both raised Catholic, and married with the understanding that our family would have a Catholic identity. I love my husband dearly, but if he decided Catholicism was no longer for him and that he had found the truth in another religion, I would be beyond devastated. And if he refused to have relations with me based on some belief in his newly-found religion, I would be extremely resentful on top of being crushed to my very core. I think it is imperative that you and your wife find a good marriage counselor as described by Alix.

Prayers for you, your wife, and your children during this very difficult family transition.

Lauren
 
basilisk said:
Isn’t it true that in a case like this, if the Catholic spouse has done all in his power to educate and convince his non-Catholic spouse about contraception, but she still insists upon using it and sees nothing morally wrong with it, per her own faith, that he is allowed to make love with his wife and he commits no sin?
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The Catholic cannot contracept. But, if the non-Catholic spouse contracepts, then yes the Catholic can engage in marital relations. This should be under the spiritual guidance of a priest. Here is the relevant instructions to priests on the topic.
 
“My wife supports my decision but . . .” You had a temple marriage and then you left the Church? Does your wife really support your decision or has she just not filed for divorce? You know very well that your wife has bigger concerns than contraception or, for that matter, intimate relations with you.

You owe it to yourself, and even more to your wife, to read Doctrine and Covenants 76:31-48 and contemplate youself in eternity, as one of the sons of perdition, dwelling forever with Satan and his angels in outermost darkness. Study that scripture with your wife. The two of you should also study 1 Nephi 14:9-13. As Nephi says, there are only two churchs my brother, and you know the choice. After the two of you have studied these scriptures, you can have a candid discussion about your future together or not.

It is not too late. The Church will forgive you and perhaps your wife will too. You can repent and be re-baptized. You and your wife can be sealed in the temple with your children and dwell in Celestial Heaven as an eternal family. The alternative, as you well know, as with our Catholic and Protestant friends, is “til death do you part.” You and your wife should go together to your Bishop or Stake President. You married your wife in the temple, and she bore you children in celestial marriage. If nothing else, you owe it to her and your children. I will pray for you and, more importantly, for your wife.
 
durgsters said:
You owe it to yourself, and even more to your wife, to read Doctrine and Covenants 76:31-48 and contemplate youself in eternity, as one of the sons of perdition, dwelling forever with Satan and his angels in outermost darkness. Study that scripture with your wife. The two of you should also study 1 Nephi 14:9-13. As Nephi says, there are only two churchs my brother, and you know the choice. After the two of you have studied these scriptures, you can have a candid discussion about your future together or not.
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I think that this is entirely unhelpful. A member of the LDS Church who has left it voluntarily and been baptized in another church is not a “son of perdition”. That is patently absurd. That state is for those who consciously and knowingly deny the Holy Ghost, akin to standing in the presence of God and telling him that you do not want any part of him. It is the state given to Lucifer and his angels, who denied God his glory and fought openly against him (and continue to do so).

Your comments are entirely unhelpful and contrary to the doctrine of the LDS Church.
 
durgsters said:
“My wife supports my decision but . . .” You had a temple marriage and then you left the Church? Does your wife really support your decision or has she just not filed for divorce? You know very well that your wife has bigger concerns than contraception or, for that matter, intimate relations with you.
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Ok so the rest of that post is rubbish, but the first part is extremely valid. As I said above, your wife probably in her heart is not supporting your decision. I told my husband I was OK with his decision at first but in my heart I was seriously NOT OK with it. I tried to be understanding, because the other option was lose my husband. You wife is facing the same situation, she can resist your actions, and lose you, or try her best to work in the narrow space you have given her. Having been there, it’s an awful place to be. It took counseling and a lot of talking and working through it to get to where we are now, and we still work on it everyday.

Also recognize that if her family is Mormon, she is probably getting an insane amount of pressure from them too.

I cannot stress enough…GET A GOOD MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. Someone who is not Catholic or Mormon. Do whatever it takes to get you both there, and be prepared for a this to be a lifelong process.
 
Durgsters - I understand exactly where you’re coming from (I used to talk just like you when I was a missionary), but the good news is that Joseph Smith made it all up. I have no worries in that regard. And I should add that the authoritarian, Pharisaical tone of your post is one of the things I don’t miss at all about many of my former fellow Church members, with their innate and uniformed smugness about Truth.

But the others who have commented are right on the money. I know I’ve hurt my wife. I’m not worried about what God thinks about my decision to leave the LDS church, since Mormonism is false. But I do struggle with how to love my wife and do the things for her that she expects/desires from her husband and live my Catholic faith at the same time. It is very hard.

NS
 
durgsters said:
Does your wife really support your decision or has she just not filed for divorce? You know very well that your wife has bigger concerns than contraception or, for that matter, intimate relations with you.

You owe it to yourself, and even more to your wife, to read Doctrine and Covenants 76:31-48 and contemplate youself [sic] in eternity, as one of the sons of perdition, dwelling forever with Satan and his angels in outermost darkness.
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Fortunately my wife is not a Nazi Mormon who would divorce her husband for following the dictates of his conscience.

jasonbx.utahcaver.com/utah.htm

And since I am a Catholic and a follower of Jesus, I will never divorce her, no matter how hard the road.
 
Not many people realize that the LDS church teaches that Mormon males who die in good standing with the faith will become gods, ruling over their own planets, with billions of people worshiping them. No kidding!

Any sect that teaches something so bizarre, so contrary to Christianity, is something I would never belong to, no matter how nice and upright are its adherents.

The Mormon missionaries won’t tell you these things when they come to your door. Check Catholic Answers’ books and other resources if you’re dealing with Mormons.
 
NewSeeker said:
…the authoritarian, Pharisaical tone of your post is one of the things I don’t miss at all about many of my former fellow Church members, with their innate and uniformed smugness about Truth.
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I could say the same about a few Catholics I know.
 
durgsters said:
“My wife supports my decision but . . .” You had a temple marriage and then you left the Church? Does your wife really support your decision or has she just not filed for divorce? You know very well that your wife has bigger concerns than contraception or, for that matter, intimate relations with you.

You owe it to yourself, and even more to your wife, to read Doctrine and Covenants 76:31-48 and contemplate youself in eternity, as one of the sons of perdition, dwelling forever with Satan and his angels in outermost darkness. Study that scripture with your wife. The two of you should also study 1 Nephi 14:9-13. As Nephi says, there are only two churchs my brother, and you know the choice. After the two of you have studied these scriptures, you can have a candid discussion about your future together or not.

It is not too late. The Church will forgive you and perhaps your wife will too. You can repent and be re-baptized. You and your wife can be sealed in the temple with your children and dwell in Celestial Heaven as an eternal family. The alternative, as you well know, as with our Catholic and Protestant friends, is “til death do you part.” You and your wife should go together to your Bishop or Stake President. You married your wife in the temple, and she bore you children in celestial marriage. If nothing else, you owe it to her and your children. I will pray for you and, more importantly, for your wife.
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This husband saw the path to the light of truth and took it. Mormon doctrine can say all it wants about celestial marriages and other unbiblical, human concepts. Christ, Himself, said when the “teachers” were trying to trick Him by asking Him to the man in the passage would be married to in heaven. Christ said as the angels in heaven who are neither married nor given in marriage, he is married to no one. I will always take Christ’s words over anyone else’s.👍

BUF
 
BUF said:
This husband saw the path to the light of truth and took it. Mormon doctrine can say all it wants about celestial marriages and other unbiblical, human concepts. Christ, Himself, said when the “teachers” were trying to trick Him by asking Him to the man in the passage would be married to in heaven. Christ said as the angels in heaven who are neither married nor given in marriage, he is married to no one. I will always take Christ’s words over anyone else’s.👍

BUF
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I think you guys are getting off topic. This isn’t a debate on if the Mormon Church is valid. I think any non mormon on this forum would agree their theology leaves a lot to be desired. This is a question on how to deal with the situation the OP has created by converting to another religon.

On that note…I’m going to say it again. Get yourself and your wife and family into conseling right away. You guys have a ton of issues to sort out, and from personal expierence the longer you wait to sort it out the worse it’s going to get. If you wait to long you may risk losing your family for good.
 
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