Catholic In-Law Problems

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I am an episcopalian woman (26) who married a non-practicing catholic man(28), who’s parents are very devout. We were together for 5 years before we got married in my church almost two years ago, that of course upset his parents, but they seemed to get over it after a while. Now they, especially his mother, are constantly questioning us about the fact that we have yet to get pregnant. She is constantly asking if we are using birth control, which should not be any of her concern, and I try to remind her that I am 2 semesters away from my masters which is of great importance to me. She went so far as to say that we are living in sin by preventing children. My husband and I are not using birth control, although I do ask him to pull out around oluvation. I don’t consider that birth control as you can technically get pregnant at any time. My husband and I are comfortable with this but we are about to go crazy with the nagging from his folks. My family is completely opposite…they encourage women to further their education and career, and put off having children if need be. I’m just completely confused…I have never been met with guilt about wanting to make my life better…to which my MIL responds…shouldn’t your life be good enough with DH! Of course its great with him but I have goals that I set as a child…and those goals did not include having children right into marriage. I need some advice on understanding this point of view and how I can convince his parents that we are not horrible people, we just want to live our life and accomplish certain goals before we have children.
 
I was not very clear…they were happy about us being together for 5 years before marriage…we did not live together, they were unhappy about us getting married in my church. As I said my husband was non-practicing, I on the other hand do go to church every once in a while, plus my family founded my church over 115 years ago. My husband was more than happy to convert and marry in our church.
 
Hi Liz,

Welcome to Catholic Answers! I hope you find your time here to be edifying and interesting.

I’m sorry that your MIL is nagging you. If my MIL were nagging me about having kids I’d feel terrible, since we just haven’t been blessed with kids yet. But let’s try to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. If she’s a devout Catholic, she’s probably more concerned with possibility of her son and daughter-in-law using contraception than with their decision to postpone having children. The Church teaches that couples can licitly decide to postpone having children if they have just reasons, but they may never contracept. Withdrawal, which is what you’re encouraging your husband to do, is considered a grave sin. Sex is meant to be open to life and any attempt to frustrate that openness (by taking a pill, wearing a condom, or pulling out, etc.) is wrong. Since most Protestants don’t have a problem with contraception, your MIL probably assumes that you are contracepting (which you sometimes are) and is likely worried for the state of your souls.

Have you heard of natural family planning? NFP is an umbrella term for a variety of methods of planning or preventing pregnancy based on observing naturally occuring signs and symptoms in a woman’s body. Couples wishing to avoid pregnancy abstain from sexual intercourse during the woman’s fertile period. Practiced correctly and consistently, it is as effective as the Pill and certainly much more effective than withdrawal. Catholics may use NFP because in choosing to abstain during fertile periods they aren’t deliberately frustrating the marital act. (Some may see this as splitting hairs, but the difference between NFP and contraception is huge, and I’d be happy to elaborate if you wish). There are additional benefits as well; couples practicing NFP learn self-discipline and grow in respect and love for each other. They develop better communication skills since NFP requires that spouses be on the same page as each other. Studies also suggest that couples who use NFP have a lower divorce rate than couples who contracept.

I’d encourage you to continue to pray about whether or not you should be postponing children right now. When I got married I had two semesters of my Masters left too, but we decided that we would not to try to postpone pregnancy. (Btw, seven months and one miscarriage later, I’m still not pregnant). We made this decision in light of our understanding that one of the primary purposes of marriage is to have a family, and that the world greatly underestimates the joy and blessings of having children. I struggled with that too, because I think I would also enjoy a career, but I really believe that if God blesses us with children, raising them will be as challenging and rewarding as working outside the home. If you do decide to postpone, consider learning a method of NFP, like the sympto-thermal method ccli.org/ or Creighton creightonmodel.com/.

If you learned and practiced NFP, you would then be able to truthfully tell your MIL that you and your husband are not contracepting (it might put her at ease, even if it isn’t any of her business) and could gently remind her that the Church permits couples to discern for themselves whether they have just reasons to postpone children.

Blessings on you and your husband. Good luck finishing your Masters!
 
How about “I don’t think that is any of your business!” ?

Dear Abby suggests a surprised face and “Why would you ask such a personal question?”

I’m sorry, I would not even consider answering MIL’s questions about what birth control I do, or don’t use. Some things are private.
 
liz26 said:
I was not very clear…they were happy about us being together for 5 years before marriage…we did not live together, they were unhappy about us getting married in my church. As I said my husband was non-practicing, I on the other hand do go to church every once in a while, plus my family founded my church over 115 years ago. My husband was more than happy to convert and marry in our church.
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I know I’ve already talked your ear off, but I neglected another aspect of your question that may be the root of some of your issues with MIL. Baptized Catholics are not permitted to be married outside the Catholic Church unless they receive a dispensation of form from their bishop. If they marry outside the Church without this dispensation their marriage is considered invalid. Could it be that MIL is concerned that you’re in an invalid marriage?
 
Well, our Church teaches that the supreme gift of marriage is children and also that it is a serious sin to use birth control. Your method is still considered immoral because you are separating the procreative aspect from the unity aspect of the act. While you could get pregnant, your intention of trying to prevent conception while still engaging in the act is what is sinful,

There is nothing wrong with pursuing goals as long as you are seeking God’s will for your life first. I don’t hear that in your post. I hear a lot of “I want to better myself” “I want to finish my masters” “I have goals from my childhood”… Have you taken this to God to ask what His plan for your life is? He loves you and wants what is truly best for you. His plan for marriage is children. Children are always a blessing. Children help us to grow unselfish and grow in holiness. Children unite and bond husband and wife together in a wonderful way.

With all that said–I think it would be appropriate for your inlaws to speak to you about what the Church teaches and be worried for your souls. However, it is not appropriate for them to keep nagging about the subject once they have shared their concerns. You should set some boundaries along the lines of–“Thank you for your concern, but this is a private matter between my husband and myself. I would appreciate it if you would stop asking about this matter.” Actually your husband should probably set the boundaries with them instead of you. They would probably receive it better from him and then the pressure is off of you to have to deal with his parents concerning this. just my 10 cents worth. God Bless.
 
I greatly appreciate the feedback, as it helps me to uderstand my in-laws point of view. Yes we have looked into NFP, but I’m still very hesitant about allowing “things” to happen inside because women in my family seem to be VERY fertile…I’m the oldest of six, my mom is one of five, my grandmother was a triplet out of 10 children.
As to his parents considering our marriage invalid…no they were not happy about him marrying outside of “the church” but they understood that it was what he wanted and they, while not verry pleased, were there and very supportive.
Why if he has left the church, married an episcopalian, should they still be concerned with not only our religious life, but our sex life.
 
liz26 said:
I greatly appreciate the feedback, as it helps me to uderstand my in-laws point of view. Yes we have looked into NFP, but I’m still very hesitant about allowing “things” to happen inside because women in my family seem to be VERY fertile…I’m the oldest of six, my mom is one of five, my grandmother was a triplet out of 10 children.
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In-law issues aside, I think you should be aware that your withdrawal method may very well fail, especially if you use “pulling out” around your fertile time. For someone whose “goals do not include children right into marriage,” this is not a good way of avoiding pregnancy! Fertile cervical mucus is very friendly to sperm, and perm is sometimes present in pre-ejaculate. If you come from a “fertile people,” as you say, you just might have inherited fertile CM that encourages that sperm to survive and thrive. 😉 NFP may actually be more, not less, effective than what you are doing right now!

As far as your in-laws, your sex life is really none of their business. I certainly wouldn’t want my MIL asking me if I’m on the Pill (we use NFP). Fortunately she is a prudent lady and knows where the boundaries are. I think their hearts are in the right place, and they have valid concerns from a Catholic perspective, but I don’t think they’re going about things the right way.
 
Once again thank you for the response, but I can’t help but wonder if it is normal for catholics to continue to push their views on someone who has already left the church (such as my husband) and someone who is of another faith (such as myself). I respect the catholic church and I greatly admire its history, so this is nothing against catholics, or my in-laws for that matter, I just can’t understand why they (in-laws) should be so concerned with our lives.
 
liz26 said:
Once again thank you for the response, but I can’t help but wonder if it is normal for catholics to continue to push their views on someone who has already left the church (such as my husband) and someone who is of another faith (such as myself). I respect the catholic church and I greatly admire its history, so this is nothing against catholics, or my in-laws for that matter, I just can’t understand why they (in-laws) should be so concerned with our lives.
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Sadly, some folks just don’t understand boundaries. It’s not a Catholic phenomena, many of us have been on the other end of this problem, with people of other faiths pushing for the use of birth control.

It is totally inappropriate IMO, for anyone to ever comment on the size of a family. There are so many factors, I just don’t feel qualified to judge anyone on the size of their family.
 
I’m not a Catholic apologist by any means, this is just my two cents.

It seems to me there is a " chain of command " , an order of priorities , in life.
First comes God. God comes before everything.
Next – if you marry – comes your spouse.
When you marry you become, in effect, one person out of two.
Anyway, spouse comes before children, comes before in-laws , comes before community, comes before the state or an employer.
In short, your marriage is simply none of their buiseness. PERIOD.
your husband should take them aside and explain to them, hopefully politely, that to question his wife is not their perogative. End of discussion.
 
Well, speaking as a parent, it would break my heart if one of my children turned their back on their faith. If your inlaws are devout, as you say, they they would have see it as their duty as Catholic parents to raise their children to be Catholic. Not only did their son marry outside of the Church, but he converted to a different faith. I understand their heartbreak.

That said, your husband is an adult and has made his choices. Nagging him is certainly not going to win his heart, it is only going to drive him further away. And under no circumstances should your sex life be any of their business. Because whether they like it or not, you and your husband are not bound by Catholic rules. Furthermore, even if you and your husband were devout practicing Catholics, your sex life would STILL be none of their business.

So I don’t think its so much a Catholic thing, but more like parents who are holding out hope that their child will come back to the fold.
 
liz26 said:
I can’t help but wonder if it is normal for catholics to continue to push their views on someone who has already left the church (such as my husband) and someone who is of another faith (such as myself). I respect the catholic church and I greatly admire its history, so this is nothing against catholics, or my in-laws for that matter, I just can’t understand why they (in-laws) should be so concerned with our lives.
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I agree with the posters above - you don’t have “Catholic mom-in-law” problems, you have mom-in-law problems, period. I think your MIL’s issues are more reflective of her personality than of our Catholic faith. Please don’t paint all of us with that brush.
 
liz26 said:
I am an episcopalian woman (26) who married a non-practicing catholic man(28), who’s parents are very devout. We were together for 5 years before we got married in my church almost two years ago, that of course upset his parents, but they seemed to get over it after a while. Now they, especially his mother, are constantly questioning us about the fact that we have yet to get pregnant. She is constantly asking if we are using birth control, which should not be any of her concern, and I try to remind her that I am 2 semesters away from my masters which is of great importance to me. She went so far as to say that we are living in sin by preventing children. My husband and I are not using birth control, although I do ask him to pull out around oluvation. I don’t consider that birth control as you can technically get pregnant at any time. My husband and I are comfortable with this but we are about to go crazy with the nagging from his folks. My family is completely opposite…they encourage women to further their education and career, and put off having children if need be. I’m just completely confused…I have never been met with guilt about wanting to make my life better…to which my MIL responds…shouldn’t your life be good enough with DH! Of course its great with him but I have goals that I set as a child…and those goals did not include having children right into marriage. I need some advice on understanding this point of view and how I can convince his parents that we are not horrible people, we just want to live our life and accomplish certain goals before we have children.
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There are two separate issues here. First, his parents certainly are going to be upset that their child has left the practice of his faith and is in an invalid marriage. A Catholic must marry in the Catholic Church or receive a dispensation to marry outside the Catholic form. I presume your non-practicing husband did not follow the Church’s requirement for marriage.

They love their child and want him to follow God and his Commandments. Not doing so imperils his soul. They will always worry about him because they want him to go to Heaven. I’m sure they want YOU to go to Heaven too.

You sound a lot like me when I was Episcopalian with all that feminist ideology stuffed into your head. Pursuing your career goals and pursuing God’s will are not necessarily mutually exclusive pursuits. However, a disdain for traditional values does come through in your post, as if motherhood and having children are a burden and a barrier to some grand plan. I would encourage you to rethink that.

As for what you can read to understand their position: I suggest Life Giving Love by Kimberly Hahn and Holy Sex by Greg Popcak. Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen is an excellent primer on the Catholic understanding of marriage and family.

The second thing going on is an unexcusable crossing of boundaries. Your in-laws have no right to badger you about children, birth control, or anything else. You need to get some books on boundaries and establish some.
 
liz26 said:
Once again thank you for the response, but I can’t help but wonder if it is normal for catholics to continue to push their views on someone who has already left the church (such as my husband) and someone who is of another faith (such as myself). I respect the catholic church and I greatly admire its history, so this is nothing against catholics, or my in-laws for that matter, I just can’t understand why they (in-laws) should be so concerned with our lives.
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Of course they will want their son to return to the Catholic Church, go to Confession, and return to the Sacraments. What you fail to understand is that it is his eternal salvation they are worried about. They will always be worried about that.

They’ve crossed the line with personal details they are pursuing, but it is for the same reason: they worry for your salvation.
 
Look, since you are not Catholic your salvation is not within their jurisdiction. It is not appropriate for them to push their own religious beliefs on to you and you should not feel guilty in the slightest. Pursuing your own dreams will be the best thing for your current family (you and your husband) and any kids you might have in the future. Having a child before you want to would be a terrible idea even if it would get your MIL to quit the nagging. On any Catholic website you’re going to the NFP speech, and I wouldn’t really recommend making reproductive health decisions based on what you read on the internet, or take birth control advice from non-doctors. Do what works for you and your husband, (but if you are serious about avoiding pregnancy you need a better method than withdrawl!) and tell your mother-in-law in no uncertain terms that she does not get to decide when or if you get pregnant.
 
Liz26…I applaud you for wanting to make your life, the life of your husband and any future children better with you having a better education. Of course I am protestant and seeing nothing wrong with you using birth control. In the end, it will probably make life and marriage easier for you to have gotten these things out of the way before having children before you are ready mentally and financially. Of course the Catholics see it different here, which is fine, because we are on a Catholic board. As far as your MIL is concerned. It is none of her business period. It is none of her business how and what you and you husband do behind closed doors. And futhermore it is none of her business if he is going to another church with his wife and that is what he chooses to do and what is best for his family. As long as he is Christian and attending a church that believes in God and the Trinity, she should just be happy. The funny thing here is…if this was the opposite and a prostestant nosey MIL was asking why don’t you use birth control and why don’t you go to my church…most people here would tell the poster that this MIL is out of place and it is none of her business and she needs to cut the cord and etc…but let it be right the opposite and oh the MIL is then concerned about his soul and etc. She has no business asking such questions to either of you. If it were my MIL, I would tell her just that, my sex life, when I have kids and where we go to church is none of your business. I wish the best for you. Good luck with school!!! God Bless You.
 
Your inlaws have concern for your immortal souls, great words.

They raised this young man in the Church founded by Christ, they are required to do all they can to help that child get to heaven.

He is now a non practicing Catholic living in a state of unrepentant grave sin, sure, they are going to worry!

As a Catholic, your husband was bound to marry according to Canon law (unless he has formally defected, which means he writes a letter to his Bishop and the Bishop acknowledges that letter).

Encourage your husband to return to the practice of his faith, and to have your marriage recognized by the Church. You will never regret it.
 
liz26 said:
Once again thank you for the response, but I can’t help but wonder if it is normal for catholics to continue to push their views on someone who has already left the church (such as my husband)
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Just a clarification. A Catholic is **ALWAYS **a Catholic by virtue of baptism. A non-practicing Catholic or a Catholic who is now attending another denomination is still a Catholic. They are a Catholic who has put themselves in mortal sin.

If your husband were to formally defect-- and there is a process for that-- it would only remove his obligation regarding canonical form of marriage. He would still be considered a Catholic under canon law and for all other purposes. Even those who are excommunicated are still Catholics-- merely Catholics under an ecclesial penalty barring them from reception of the Sacraments until they repent.

So, yes, I’m sure his parents feel they should continue to dialog with him and work towards his reconciliation with the Church. “Pushing” ones faith on anyone is a poor approach to evangelizing them. So, while they shouldn’t ignore his departure from the faith, I’m sure they could choose a better method of communication.
 
kage_ar said:
Your inlaws have concern for your immortal souls, great words.

They raised this young man in the Church founded by Christ, they are required to do all they can to help that child get to heaven.

He is now a non practicing Catholic living in a state of unrepentant grave sin, sure, they are going to worry!

As a Catholic, your husband was bound to marry according to Canon law (unless he has formally defected, which means he writes a letter to his Bishop and the Bishop acknowledges that letter).

Encourage your husband to return to the practice of his faith, and to have your marriage recognized by the Church. You will never regret it.
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Just curious but it sounds like he was not a practicing Catholic when they married. So why would it be her responsibility to “encourage him” to return to his practice, when they are probably attending a church together as a family at this point? If he is to return and feels a need to return to the Catholic church it should be because he wants and needs that, not because it is on her shoulders to do it.
 
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