Catholic Jokes

  • Thread starter Thread starter nilofc
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

nilofc

Guest
Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, “Let the person who has **no sin **cast the first stone.”

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, “Mom, please”

Mama Mary: “Sorry Son, I thought it was a command”
 
This is a little mean…but here goes…

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man “Don’t jump! Think of your father”

Man replies “Haven’t got a father; I’m going to jump.”

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says “haven’t got one; going to jump.”

Desperate the cop yells up “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin”

Man replies “Who is that?”

Cop yells “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”
 
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God,

Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ,

and Baptists don’t recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
 
"The Work of the Parish Priest"

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God’s gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.
 
You’re a catholic nerd if…

… you get momentarily confused when you hear the word “discernment” refering to something besides trying to determine God’s will.

…you know who St. Sharbel is, and are shocked that others don’t.

…you have a special place for all of your religious art overflow, since there are only so many images of the Virgin Mary one room can handle.

…you not only know what a motu proprio is, but you fantasize about ones you would issue if you were Pope (I would ban certain hymns and certain musical instruments in Mass) 🙂

…someone says George Weigel is coming to town and you say “cool.”

…your priest tells you not to mention the fact that he has to say 3 Masses in 1 day. This is double nerd points because a) you know why this is problematic, b) you stand out enough as a nerd that he knows you will know why this is something to keep on the lowdown. If you then go off and call the bishop and let him in on the secret, you should start a Catholic Fanatic blog:)

…you stereotype people by their apostolate, i.e. Opus Dei, Regnum Christi, etc.

…your most common phrase at parties starts with “Well, the Catholic Catechism says…”

…you gauge your movie pix based on their ratings: A-I, A-II, A-III, A-IV and O [Note: these are the ratings used by the USCCB]

…its not the unity candle but the renewal of your baptismal promises that you want to add to your wedding (if you see the unity candle at someone else’s wedding and say to yourself “oh, not as hard core as I thought,” then you are an uncharitable Catholic nerd.)

…you have a disturbing dream that a series of misprints in the breviary shatters your prayer life.

…when a friend asks you to stop by the Catholic bookstore and pick up a statue of St. Joseph, you ask “Do you want a nice one for your house, or one to bury upside down to sell a house?”

…you don’t feel right about eating a donut on Friday because its lent. You didn’t give up sweets or anything, but somehow that just doesn’t seem right.

…you stop and compare ashes with friends after Mass.

…you remember the names of the apostles by going through your brothers (yay big families!)

…you refer to having a bit too much to drink as, “not in the best state to evangelize.” (To which your friends reply, “meet 'em where they’re at, man!”)

…at a pre-Christmas party, you ask your friends if anyone will be “liturgically offended” if you light all four of the candles on the Advent wreath even though it is just Thursday of the 3rd week of Advent.

…your roommate tells you that you were talking about the pope in your sleep (this was a few years ago)

…“offer it up” is in your vocabulary (extra nerdiness if you add “for the good of the Mother Church”)

…you stay up all night reading various church documents instead of studying for finals, just so that you can prove that an accolyte is not an ordinary minister of the Eucharist. (this also proves that you a pretty *%#@ stubborn Catholic nerd)

…you have heard or taken part in a conversation along these lines-
“Do I smell like incense?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Good:)”

…you compare a shower to confession…instead of confession to a shower (this analogy was how we discovered that we were truly Catholic nerds and began the list)

…you have nightmares about defending the faith from angry, liberal, Catholic women.

…you make a hobby of learning dead languages that have no use except liturgical (latin, OCS, ancient greek)
 
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman," says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’ve listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:“B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72… BINGO !!!”
 
Why did the Pope cross the road?
The Pope crosses everybody!

Pickup line: Do you have rosary on you? Cause you look like a glorious mystery!
 
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.” “Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.” “But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!” “Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the roof.”
 
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a large mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: ‘Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?’

‘And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Mary’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads over to take care of the matter?’

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ‘Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!’

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment…

Father O’Malley then replied: 'Aye, ‘tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.’
 
nilofc said:
"The Work of the Parish Priest"

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God’s gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.
Click to expand...
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 
nilofc,

i am such a catholic nerd!!! and i love it. i even have (and it’s my absolute fav) a perfume called holy water. i advised the saleswoman “this isn’t really the scent of holy water, which has no scent because it’s water. but it is exactly the scent of baptized baby heads-- the scent of the holy chrism used in baptism.”

my husband just smiled. the woman just slowly nodded her head, like, 'sure. i’ll remember that."

i have woken up angry at a certain priest a time or two having dreamt of liturgical abuses.

i love saint charbel. but i don’t do well with anything beyond liturgical latin— i’m still having a hard time with my own native tongue.

my joke: a jesuit and a franciscan priest were golfing. the jesuit saw a mazzeratti drive by. the jesuit said, “man. i’d love to own a mazzeratti.” the franciscan said, “what’s a mazzeratti?” the jesuit said, “nothing but the most kick butt sports car in the world!” the franciscan said, “well, maybe you could pray a novena for it.” the jesuit said, "what’s a novena?"
 
This is from my mother, so don’t shoot the messenger:

Two older religious sisters wanted a beer, but were slightly embarrassed to go to the Jewel-Osco and pick up a six pack. So, Sister Mary Agnes screws up her courage, tells Sister Mary frances to put on her sweater, and down they walk to the Jewel-Osco. They pick out a package of Schlitz and head to the counter to check out.

The cashier asks them. Just the beer?" Sister Mary Agnes, now with a little less bravado, says, “Well, now, we don’t drink it. We use it as a sort of shampoo.”

From under the counter, the cashier pulls out a bag of pretzels and says, “The curlers are on the house.”
 
I’ll keep this family friendly. 😃

A man who had been away from the Church for many years had a change of heart and decided to return. He began by going to Confession. At the end of his long confession the priest assigned him ten Our Fathers.

The man said, “I’m sorry, Father, I’ve been away for so long, I don’t remember how to say the Our Father.” So the priest said, “Well, why don’t you say ten Hail Marys instead?” The man says, “I’m sorry, Father, I don’t remember the Hail Mary either.” The priest, somewhat exasperated, says, “Aren’t there any prayers you do remember?” The man says, “I remember the Angelus.” The priest says, “Well say the Angelus for me.” The man says, “Okay, Father. Bong, bong, bong.”

Here’s one that one of my friends sent me via email (please pardon the all caps…)
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS
VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY
FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS…)
Click to expand...
 
A priest told us he couldn’t tell this joke from the pulpit, but we were relaxing…

A young priest was concerned, asking an older priest for advice. He asked him. You know there is this nun…and we have been talking… and well… nothing…just talking. And the older preist sighs and says “well it’s ok, just don’t get into the habit”.

Get it! Habit! 😃 😃
 
Warning: Mildly inappropriate

A very old nun was lying on her death bed. During her life, she had been a ‘progressive’, fighting for women’s ordination and more relaxed liturgical standards. The sisters all gathered around her bed and prayed as the priest prepared the oils for her Last Rites. Stirring from unconsciousness, she noticed this and couldn’t help but say, 'If I had a penis, I could have done that"

The priest replied ‘Alright, but normally i use my thumb.’
 
Unintentional real life humor:

From the April 2006 edition of the magazine, The Rock (a conservative, Catholic publication):

Correction: There was a typographical error on page 20 of the March issue. The sentence that reads, “Finally, only women can be ordained priests” obviously should have read, “Finally, only men can be ordained priests.” The editor apologizes for any confusion but does not accept responsibility for any attempted ordinations.
 
What did Monsignor say to his Bishop?

Long time; No see.
 
In a small country monastery where the nuns ran a dairy, the dear old Irish reverend mother lay dying from old. She asked her nuns if they could fetch her a glass of fresh milk. As two younger sisters went to the kitchen, one put a bit of Irish whiskey in with the milk. The sisters returned and gave the glass for the reverend mother to drink.

Finally one of the younger sisters asked if the reverend mother had any last bits of advice for the monastery before she met her Lord. With the last of her strength the reverend mother raised her head and said, “Don’t ever sell that cow.”
 
Two priests go on vacation. They go to Mexico and decide that they want to be like everyone else, not priests.

So they go to the beach, get umbrellas and sit in slacks and sandals reading when a beautiful buxom redhead runs by in a slightly revealing one piece and says “Morning Father, Morning Father”

The two priests talk and wonder how she knew they were priests. So the next day they use umbrellas and shorts and are reading when the same woman runs by, this time in more revealing one piece and as she runs by she says “Morning Father, Morning Father” and again they are aghast.

So, the next day they use no umbrellas, no shirt, just speedos.

A few minutes later the woman runs by again this time in a bikini and says “Morning Father, Morning Father”

So the first priest calls after her: "Miss, how did you know we are priests?

The lady looks somewhat embarrassed and says “What’s the matter Father, don’t you recognize me? Sister Mary Clarence?”
 
A priest and a rabbi are involved in a car accident. They each get out of their vehicles to see the damage. After determining everything is okay, the priest says, “I was on the way to celebrate mass at my parish, and I have this bottle of wine. This is an obvious sign from God that we should put aside our differences and celebrate the fact that we are unharmed.” The rabbi agrees, and the priest opens the bottle and hands it to the rabbi. The rabbi takes a drink and hands it back to the priest, who puts the top back on it. The rabbi asks, “Aren’t you going to have some?” The priest replies, “No thank you, I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top