Catholic Jokes

[dakotagirl]

A priest told us he couldn’t tell this joke from the pulpit, but we were relaxing…

A young priest was concerned, asking an older priest for advice. He asked him. You know there is this nun…and we have been talking… and well… nothing…just talking. And the older preist sighs and says “well it’s ok, just don’t get into the habit”.

Get it! Habit!

This is offensive and should be burned. Jk jk, it is mildly entertaining.

 

[Crazy_Diamond]

When my wife and I were in Engaged Encounter, the NFP speakers hadn’t arrived. The priest knew they would be there in about fifteen minutes and decided to fill the void with Catholic jokes. I’d heard all the ones he told. Then one of the other leaders decided to break in with this one, which I hadn’t heard:

Two Irishmen sat drinking in a restaurant across the street from a notorious brothel. A Protestant minister came walking along the street and stopped at the brothel entrance. He carefully looked up the street and down and then quickly ducked in the door.

“Aye, 'tis sad,” said one Irishman to the other. “The Protestants canna resist such a sin.”

A few minutes later, a rabbi came walking down the street. He, too, stopped and looked both ways before suddenly ducking in the brothel entrance.

“Even the Jews, they canna keep away,” he said to his companion.

Not long afterwards, a Catholic priest came walking down the sidewalk. He stopped, looked both ways, and ducked into the brothel doorway.

The Irishman looked at his companion sadly. “Poor girl, she must be very ill.”

The priest at Engaged Encounter nearly fell out of his seat laughing.

 

[StDasiusFollowr]

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he faster than the roadrunner! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who’s more important than the president?

Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him!

 

[PeteVZ]

Why do priests love salad?

Because “Lettuce Pray”

 

[DoGodsBidding]

I heard this one from a priest:

Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was the better computer program. God interjected, suggesting that they have a contest. God provided a situation for them to program and off Jesus and Satan went. Of course this was no easy program, and they had been programming for a week when out of the blue there was a power failure. Satan was upset, crying “It’s not fair, it’s not fair! I lost all my work”. Jesus on the other had was calm. Satan looked at him and asked why he wasn’t upset. God responded, “You still don’t get it-Jesus saves”.