Catholic male confused about dating

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confused007

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You guessed it, another dating question. Can’t seem to find a definitive answer for “Can a Catholic pursue dating a non-Catholic/Christian such as a Buddhist?”

What I am confused about is that I have been seeing this Buddhist girl for about 6 months and we hit it off very well. We would discuss religion here and their but we find ourselves discussing other topics that we have alot in common like politics, education, and various hobbies. By no means do we argue about religion but when we do discuss Catholicism which she seems interested in I find myself lacking answers to her questions about the faith and history when compared to her when I ask her about Buddhism. However, I am so smitten by her that I have learned more about the history of Catholicism in the past 2 months than I can remember from my entire life which I find myself becoming more firm in the faith. When I told my priest about her he told me I had two choices: stop pursuing her which includes not even being her friend or risk excommunication for her. I am just confused very very confused after my priest gave me those 2 options, and funny enough seeking some guidance from the community/internet.
 
confused007 said:
You guessed it, another dating question. Can’t seem to find a definitive answer for “Can a Catholic pursue dating a non-Catholic/Christian such as a Buddhist?”

What I am confused about is that I have been seeing this Buddhist girl for about 6 months and we hit it off very well. We would discuss religion here and their but we find ourselves discussing other topics that we have alot in common like politics, education, and various hobbies. By no means do we argue about religion but when we do discuss Catholicism which she seems interested in I find myself lacking answers to her questions about the faith and history when compared to her when I ask her about Buddhism. However, I am so smitten by her that I have learned more about the history of Catholicism in the past 2 months than I can remember from my entire life which I find myself becoming more firm in the faith. When I told my priest about her he told me I had two choices: stop pursuing her which includes not even being her friend or risk excommunication for her. I am just confused very very confused after my priest gave me those 2 options, and funny enough seeking some guidance from the community/internet.
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Did your Priest really give you those two options in that way? Sounds harsh.

I don’t see any reason why you cannot pursue the relationship however I think you need to lay down some ground rules. If you are not willing to compromise your faith, you need to let her know and also I know it’s early in the relationship but you need to consider children, will they be Buddhist or Catholic or both as some couples do today.

My partner used to be an atheist, now he knows more about my faith than I do. He said once he started researching Catholicism and attending Mass he couldn’t stop he had to know more and eventually converted.

I am sure there is someone on this site who is in a relationship with a non-Catholic who are finding their way together. They may be able to provide some practical advice on handling it.

Good luck. 🙂
 
I am sure that she is a wonderful girl, and I think it is great that this relationship has caused you to learn more about your faith. And I am skeptical of the information from the priest regarding excommunication – I don’t know of a reason why a Catholic would be excommunicated for dating or marrying a Buddhist.

However, I would not recommend dating this girl. The purpose of dating is to discern the possibility of marriage, right? And marriage between a Catholic and a Buddhist poses many potentially serious conflicts. For example, if you are blessed with children, will you raise them Catholic? Will she go to church with you? What happens when the children ask their mom if Jesus is truly God, or if Jesus truly rose from the dead, etc.? Will your family pray together? Will she agree on following Catholic teaching in marriage, such as openness to life, the permanence of marriage, and avoiding contraception? Will she be willing to make sacrifices so that the children can have a Catholic education (either Catholic school or homeschool), if that is important to you? Those are some of the serious questions that I think you should consider.

Please also see the following threads about dating an atheist, where many of the replies may be applicable to your situation as well:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=672289
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=663404
 
I agree with the above posts that your priest’s advice was suspicious. There is no excommunicable offense for merely dating or even marrying a Buddhist. The only explanation I can think of is if she were tempting you to apostasy or heresy, and that does not appear to be the case. Perhaps you should get a second opinion and find another confessor if this priest is giving you bad advice.

That being said, I can assure you that you will really need to put a microscope on this relationship in the early stages. Grill her about her beliefs regarding contraception, abortion, child rearing, weekly Mass attendance. These are all topics where you will have to find substantial agreement before any kind of marriage can occur and indeed before any kind of permission will be granted from your bishop to marry this girl. I have come close to this mistake before, and it is not pleasant. Becoming deeply involved with a girl who then turns out to have outrageously liberal ideas about these things, and then you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You cannot continue with the relationship without losing your faith, and you cannot get out of the relationship without hurting yourself and her greatly.

So speak up for yourself. Probe the dark corners of her belief. It is true that many mixed marriages and even some marriages with a disparity of cult can succeed. But it is only through both parties having a thorough understanding of each other’s faith and a willingness to support each other, particularly to support the Catholic partner and to raise Catholic children. You are getting married in order to procreate children and provide a harmonious household for them to grow up in. You will promise to raise them in the Catholic faith, and so your non-Catholic spouse must be extremely supportive and positive in this regard. You have my prayers.
 
confused007 said:
You guessed it, another dating question. Can’t seem to find a definitive answer for “Can a Catholic pursue dating a non-Catholic/Christian such as a Buddhist?”

What I am confused about is that I have been seeing this Buddhist girl for about 6 months and we hit it off very well. We would discuss religion here and their but we find ourselves discussing other topics that we have alot in common like politics, education, and various hobbies. By no means do we argue about religion but when we do discuss Catholicism which she seems interested in I find myself lacking answers to her questions about the faith and history when compared to her when I ask her about Buddhism. However, I am so smitten by her that I have learned more about the history of Catholicism in the past 2 months than I can remember from my entire life which I find myself becoming more firm in the faith. When I told my priest about her he told me I had two choices: stop pursuing her which includes not even being her friend or risk excommunication for her. I am just confused very very confused after my priest gave me those 2 options, and funny enough seeking some guidance from the community/internet.
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There is no such thing as excommunication for being in a romantic relationship with a Buddhist, or marrying one. Excommunication is the penalty of exclusion from the community (although even that can’t delete your Baptism, or even make you non-Catholic), which is given for certain very serious offences (e.g. homicide). Weddings to people of a different faith are allowed with a dispensation to be obtained in each case. This is what the law is.

Also, there is nothing wrong in being friends with a person of some other faith (while it could be imprudent to try to be just friends with a person one is strongly attracted to).

BUT bringing up children with a person of a different faith could be hard. You can’t make them “Buddhist Christians” or anything of the sort. One of you has to budge, and you can’t budge. This could be seen by her as inequality, unfairness etc. You could also disagree about a number of moral matters, including the obligations of marriage, the nature of it etc. Then there is the problem of divorce, as in marrying someone who’s strongly opposed to it and gives guarantees of not resorting to it when the romantic blitz is over or when a serious conflict pops up.
 
It is a REALLY bad idea to date, let alone contemplate marriage, to a non-Catholic, let alone a non-Christian.
 
The advice from your priest does not seem right at all. The only reason the that this would even come up is if you were considering marrying her outside of the Church without dispensaton in which case you would not be excommunicated but you would not be in communion with the Church. Others have given many other good things to think about - I don’t think I need to repeat them.
 
1ke said:
It is a REALLY bad idea to date, let alone contemplate marriage, to a non-Catholic, let alone a non-Christian.
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I am REALLY glad that I did not heed the similar advice I received back when I was dating my non-Catholic boyfriend who is now my non-Catholic husband.
 
My agnostic/unbaptized BF eventually decided to convert, so it can work out, and work out well, too. He received all his sacraments 2 days before our wedding o.0!

Be very careful discerning, though. Mixed marriages can be very hard, especially once children come along. You will also have to discuss things like birth control- are you ok with her deciding to use the pill, when it causes a pregnancy to miscarry? etc.
 
confused007 said:
However, I am so smitten by her that I have learned more about the history of Catholicism in the past 2 months than I can remember from my entire life which I find myself becoming more firm in the faith. When I told my priest about her he told me I had two choices: stop pursuing her which includes not even being her friend or risk excommunication for her. I am just confused very very confused after my priest gave me those 2 options, and funny enough seeking some guidance from the community/internet.
Click to expand...
When you’re young, you learn the ABC’s of being a Catholic. When you are old enough to marry, there’s so much more to the Catholic faith, and having the power of God functioning in your life. I’m glad you are motivated to learn more!

I’ve been married 23 yrs to a good Catholic man. My St. Joseph. As life moved along, difficulties with family, jobs, neighbors, health, came, and things changed around for the good because we were united in prayer and plugged into the power of God through the sacraments. Maybe some of those events may have caused other couples to divorce, I don’t know, but with our unity and with God, we came through them. We saw the power of God intervene.

When I was single, I never would consider even one date with a man that was not Catholic. I knew the power of God to intervene and change lives and situations, and I wanted to find a man that knew that too. Maybe you’ve never been in a situation that you needed God to come and change things, but I am pretty sure in the years you have ahead, you will. Difficulties come to all of us. Having a believing partner who knows how to open the heavens for grace to come is something that can’t be put into words. That’s someone you can spend a lifetime with. Someone who will hold your hand and walk through the flames with you. Someone who knows that strength and courage come from God. From the power of the Cross. From the Holy Spirit changing hearts.

I hope you can have a new vision and a new expectation of life with a believing Catholic might be like. A day may come when you have the rug pulled out from under you, and your wife will be on her knees interceding for you. Calling on the Blessed Mother, the angels and saints. Placing you under the red and white rays that pour forth from the Divine Mercy Jesus. Such a partner is worth her weight in diamonds. Look for her. She’s praying for you today.

Jesus, I trust in You!
 
confused007 said:
You guessed it, another dating question. Can’t seem to find a definitive answer for “Can a Catholic pursue dating a non-Catholic/Christian such as a Buddhist?”

What I am confused about is that I have been seeing this Buddhist girl for about 6 months and we hit it off very well. We would discuss religion here and their but we find ourselves discussing other topics that we have alot in common like politics, education, and various hobbies. By no means do we argue about religion but when we do discuss Catholicism which she seems interested in I find myself lacking answers to her questions about the faith and history when compared to her when I ask her about Buddhism. However, I am so smitten by her that I have learned more about the history of Catholicism in the past 2 months than I can remember from my entire life which I find myself becoming more firm in the faith. When I told my priest about her he told me I had two choices: stop pursuing her which includes not even being her friend or risk excommunication for her. I am just confused very very confused after my priest gave me those 2 options, and funny enough seeking some guidance from the community/internet.
Click to expand...
Can you date a non-Catholic? Sure. Should you? In my opinion, absolutely not. Find a nice Catholic girl who can help you grow in faith and love for God together.
 
confused007 said:
When I told my priest about her he told me I had two choices: stop pursuing her which includes not even being her friend or risk excommunication for her.
Click to expand...
WHAT?!?!?! :eek: Excommunicated for WHAT? Falling in love?!?! How ridiculous.

There is nothing wrong with dating someone of another faith. My husband is Anglican and we were married in a Catholic church without him having to convert. If the girl you are dating is Buddhist then so what? You don’t have to convert her. If she’s happy and fulfilled then just be yourself and leave her be. If she is called to become a member of the Catholic church then it will happen in God’s time, not yours. What you have to decide is whether you can be with someone who is not Catholic. If yes, then enjoy her company and good luck to the both of you. If no, then save everyone some time and break it off with her. The choice should be yours, not your priest’s.
 
1ke said:
It is a REALLY bad idea to date, let alone contemplate marriage, to a non-Catholic, let alone a non-Christian.
Click to expand...
Really? My non-Catholic husband and I have been married for 10 years. Worked for us.
 
If love happens, it happens but I wouldn’t seek out those of another faith to marry. Life can be difficult enough and the challenge of a non believer or one doctrinally opposed to you could cause problems.
 
I am a recent convert to Catholicism and have had to “relearn” how to date in a way consistent with my faith, and after several failed experiments I’ve come to realize that means only dating Catholics - and not lapsed Catholics, either, actual, believing, mass attending Catholics.

What is the goal of dating? Well, if you’re doing it with a pure intention, meaning you’re not just seeing people for sexual reasons or for short-term emotional gratification, then the goal of dating is to find somebody to marry. In a Catholic marriage, one of the primary, if not the primary, responsibility of the couple is to bring up children and teach them to be be faithful Catholics. In order to truly rear up children in the Church, both parents need to be on board, or the children get mixed messages. Also, when it comes down to it, you want to share everything with your future wife, and if you don’t pray together, go to mass together, and both adore Christ and His Church, then your relationship will ultimately not be what God intends it to be.

Also, there is something to be said for obedience. If you want to marry in the Church and have a sacramental marriage, then you have to follow the rules of the Church, period. Feelings of infatuation and being in love happen. However, we should not base our life decisions on these feelings. We need to seek guidance from outside sources and from God, His Word, and His Church, and realize that feelings of being in love and infatuation are secondary to our relationship with God. I’ve had feelings for plenty of women, but have not allowed myself to entertain the notion of a romantic relationship because of a difference in religion. I learned the hard way, and now I understand that my relationship with God is more important than any relationship with a woman.
 
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