Catholic marriage and intimacy after menopause

[CatholicBiddy]

My question is in regard to sexual activity post menopause. Not only is it uncomfortable due to physical changes, it is also completely repulsive to myself and many of my women friends “of a certain age.” I still do not want to be alone for the rest of my life, and recognize that men seem to require not just sex, but active participation. Is it truly required to have sex in a late-in-life marriage, since children are no longer possible? I just really want companionship, I don’t want to touch or be touched.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Is it truly required to have sex in a late-in-life marriage, since children are no longer possible? I just really want companionship, I don’t want to touch or be touched.

It’s not required, no. But it’s certainly permissible for a couple to have sex even if children aren’t possible, and it’s not unreasonable for a man to assume that he and his wife will be having sex. And most men are going to want sex to be a mutually enjoyable thing that the wife is enthusiastically participating in, not just tolerating.

So, yeah. There’s no reason you can’t have a marriage without sex, but a lot of men (and women) probably aren’t going to find the idea appealing. It’s certainly something you’d want to discuss early with anyone you were dating.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that this post was made in good faith (although I am dubious) and answer.

In order to marry, the parties need to be capable of completing marital intercourse.

The Church doesn’t monitor whether you actually have it or not.

Men “of a certain age” sometimes are not all that able to perform and also sometimes are more interested in companionship than sex. Most older women know this, which further makes me dubious about your post.

In addition, there are people in this world, both men and women, who prefer companionship with a minimum of physical intimacy whether or not they are physically capable of having sex. If you happen to find a guy who’s on the same page with you, then you could be a match made in heaven.

I agree with Roland that this is something you’d want to discuss thoroughly with any potential partner early in the relationship.

 

[CatholicBiddy]

Thank you for your kind answer, and yes this post was made in good faith. I am 64 years old, divorced, and annulled with 2 grown children. I simply have not found any gentlemen, Catholic, or otherwise who are not mainly focused on physical intimacy. I’d like to believe they exist, and continue to be optimistic and prayerful regarding this.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m a little younger than you. I’m widowed. I agree that a lot of guys in their late 50s and early 60s who are single are interested in finding someone who can be an intimate partner.

However, I also know there are guys out there whose interest does not lie in that area for a variety of reasons, including having a medical problem, being somewhat asexual, or even being celibate and gay (yes these men sometimes marry women).

You could try placing some kind of a personal ad specifying that you want a Catholic non-sexual relationship and see if anyone salutes. Good luck.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Thank you for your kind answer, and yes this post was made in good faith. I am 64 years old, divorced, and annulled with 2 grown children. I simply have not found any gentlemen, Catholic, or otherwise who are not mainly focused on physical intimacy. I’d like to believe they exist, and continue to be optimistic and prayerful regarding this.

I may be reading a tone into this you don’t intend, so I apologize if I’m misinterpreting. That said, it almost sounds like you’re a little disgusted with these hypothetical men for being interested in sex with their wives, as though it’s some dirty, gross thing they insist on. Just because a man assumes that his marriage will involve sexual intimacy doesn’t mean he’s “mainly focused” on sex in a base, animalistic way.

I guess I’m just saying it’s fine if sex no longer motivates you in any particular way, but don’t look down on men who are still interested, as though they’re somehow being gross or depraved.

 

[Vico]

My question is in regard to sexual activity post menopause. …

80% have menopause between age 44 and 58 (but typically 49-52). If avoiding sexual activity, then it is not helpful for the husband that retains interest to be tempted by the wife, so the wife should take care.

Some marry after menopause, so if marriage is not consummated, although valid, they do not “become one flesh” so it could be dissolved.

 

[CatholicBiddy]

I completely understand what you’re saying. I didn’t mean to imply any tone or to suggest that interest in that area is gross or disgusting.

My feeling is that it is inappropriate to text about intimate things following one date… and that has happened to me several times, despite being totally appropriate during a casual date.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

My feeling is that it is inappropriate to text about intimate things following one date… and that has happened to me several times, despite being totally appropriate during a casual date.

… if they know you are a faithful Catholic they wouldn’t (shouldn’t) be texting those types of things anyway as they would know you wouldn’t take anything that far without being married anyway!

 

[1ke]

Not only is it uncomfortable due to physical changes, it is also completely repulsive to myself and many of my women friends “of a certain age.”

Talk to your doctor!

This isn’t every woman’s experience.

I still do not want to be alone for the rest of my life, and recognize that men seem to require not just sex, but active participation.

Well, yeah, if you are interested in sex of course you want reciprocation from your spouse, whether you are male or female.

Is it truly required to have sex in a late-in-life marriage, since children are no longer possible?

Well, I’m not exactly sure what you are asking.

If you are talking about someone unmarried getting married, yes you exchange the right to intercourse.

The spouses don’t have to exchange that right, but if either party desires sexual intimacy then YES the other party must be willing.

Someone who is “repulsed” by sex probably shouldn’t seek marriage.

There may be cases where both spouses agree to a continent marriage, but again you exchange the right to the marital embrace so each party must be willing.

If you are already married then you’ve already exchanged marital rights, they don’t stop when you get older unless by mutual consent.

If a married person becomes unable to have intercourse, then the couple would be continent of course.

I just really want companionship, I don’t want to touch or be touched

That isn’t what marriage is at any age. Sounds like a platonic roommate is more what you should pursue.

 

[1ke]

but don’t look down on men who are still interested, as though they’re somehow being gross or depraved.

Or women. Because hello— we exist.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

My feeling is that it is inappropriate to text about intimate things following one date… and that has happened to me several times, despite being totally appropriate during a casual date.

That’s totally fair. I’m just thinking out loud: could it be that you’re not necessarily disinterested in sex in general, you just find the idea unappealing in the context of someone you just met (which would be totally understandable)?

Maybe you would feel differently if it was a husband, someone you had genuine deep feelings for and trusted.

 

[1ke]

My feeling is that it is inappropriate to text about intimate things following one date… and that has happened to me several times, despite being totally appropriate during a casual date.

Ewwww!!

These men are dogs and need to be blocked!

 

[CatholicBiddy]

Maybe. That’s definitely something I’ve been praying about, too.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Disinterest in sex comes and goes, depending on other factors in a person’s life (job stress, family stress, physical discomforts) and can be perfectly normal and transient.

Being “repulsed” by sex is a different matter which is not normal, but even so, if you’re not married or trying for a baby, it doesn’t need to be treated.

But I don’t know why somebody who finds sex repulsive would be going on dates.
Just find a pack of girlfriends to have fun with.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m menopausal and have not lost either my ability to have sex or my natural feeling that it would be enjoyable, although I’m not using either at the moment because I’m single and living according to Church teaching.

However, beyond maybe suggesting someone talk to their doctor IF they even want to, there is no reason to jump all over people who decide they don’t want to have sex for whatever reason.

This is a sad fact of our society: those who do not like sex, for whatever reason, are told that they have a bad attitude and generally looked upon like they have some kind of a problem that they have to fix. If they are 20 years old and just got married to a partner who expects a fulfilling sex life, I can see this being an issue. If they are not in that situation, and are single and not imposing their views on others, then there is no harm, and their lack of desire may well be keeping them out of sin.

How about just skipping the judgments? This is a pet peeve of mine for literally decades now. I used to watch asexuals getting jumped all over on various social media forums. It’s sad to see Catholics doing it too, almost like they feel a need to defend the fact that they still have a sex drive. I still have a sex drive, yes it works, I probably don’t want to get remarried for reasons that have little to do with sex and everything to do with what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I don’t care if somebody else doesn’t want to have sex. It’s not some personal affront to me during my menopausal years. I’m not going to look at someone who expresses this as a freak show, and a whole lot of people just don’t express it because they don’t want the kind of lecture being handed out on this thread.

 

[tuffsmurf]

Sexual interest and function decreases with age in both men and women, but typically much later than menopausal age (average at 50). Most married women in their 50s are sexually active.

 

[CatholicBiddy]

Thank you for your response. I see the same thing - even the suggestion that I should seek medical advice for something I’m actually very fine with. I eat healthy, I’m free of disease, experience no aches and pains, no symptoms of menopause, and have no desire to take cancer-causing hormones to “fix” something that I don’t feel is actually broken. I’ve always felt sexual desire is on a scale - some people have very little, others have more.

I guess that’s the reason I posted, and thank you for stating what I missed. I feel judged. I do want male companionship for many reasons, including safety, strength, and just for a male viewpoint of things. I have lots of female friends… we often talk about creating a “Golden Girls” type of living situation. But it’s honestly not the same.

 

[Pug]

I think it might be possible to find the right person for you. Just be upfront and clear about who you are and what you seek and get to know him well first. I’ve seen a few such couples (that I know of - it’s not like you can tell from the outside).

 

[FiveLinden]

In order to marry, the parties need to be capable of completing marital intercourse.

Is this right Bear? I know there is teaching about the full graces of marriage being dependent on consummation and that non0consummation can be a ground for annulment, but is capability required prior to marriage?