Catholic marriage...STD?

[LB5]

My boyfriend and I are planning to become engaged soon, and have a Catholic wedding. We do a lot of things right, like go to church every Sunday, respect each other and love each other, are willing to accept children when we get married, etc., but also have our pitfalls as most couples do. We do have premarital sex, we recognize we are sinners, but nonetheless love Jesus and try our best to be good Catholics. But my question is, when we get married, I know that contraceptives are not allowed by the Church…however, I acquired herpes prior to this relationship. One good thing is that I was completely honest with my boyfriend in the very beginning, within the first few weeks of dating, I told him about it and thankfully he loves me anyway (one big reason in my life that I know God is at work). I do not want to pass it to him, even though my outbreaks are few and very mild at that. It took me awhile to get over this and get over being mad at myself and to realize that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about the way I was living my life. How can I handle this once we are married? I’m so, so torn over it.

 

[turtle18]

. It took me awhile to get over this and get over being mad at myself and to realize that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about the way I was living my life. How can I handle this once we are married? I’m so, so torn over it.

If you are having sex right now, how do you “handle” it? Do you envision having more sex when you are married and therefore fear passing it onto him after you are married? Technically you could pass it on to him right now if you are having sex. The only way to avoid transmiting an STD, even within marriage, is practicing abstinence before and during times of outbreak.

If you believe God was trying to teach you a lesson about the way you are living your life, why are you still having pre-marital sex? God calls us all to be chaste until we are married. You are using the excuse “we are sinners” to justify sin when you should be trying to avoid it.

If you are having sex with your boyfriend, you should go to Confession first before you go to Communion at Mass on Sunday. And then wait until you get married to have sex.

 

[LB5]

I do fully admit to having pre-marital sex. And yes, we use condoms. I know, both of those things are contrary to the church’s teachings. I struggle with it every day, I think about it every day. But for me it is not easy to make huge changes overnight and over time I feel like I’m becoming a better person. We are weak people and we know it. We’re also young and it’s a constant battle against what has become an oversexed culture. I think that although we struggle with the issues of pre-marital sex and contraception, we are doing well compared to a lot of what goes on in society today. We are very open with each other. We are completely faithful and go to church together. Each of us is very caring and giving to the other. I used to “hook up” (not necessarily sleep with) with different people that I wasn’t even dating, I don’t know if I was looking for self-esteem or what, but I prayed a lot and asked God to set me on a better path. It hasn’t happened overnight and I do strive to get better at practicing my faith as I know I should. I feel that God HAS set me on a better path by sending me someone in my life who accepts me and loves me and also loves God, someone who is faithful, someone who has helped me realize that I don’t need male attention to be a valuable person. I have sex with him because I love him and he loves me and I know it is wrong, but it is yet another thing I pray that God will help me with. For me, it is still not right, but it’s a step in the right direction toward achieving what God wants us to do.

I feel like, I’ve tried hard to overcome my past, and I asked this question because it’s something I struggle with, and I know that the answers I get won’t always be what I want to hear, but I feel like your answer was a little callous. I’m trying, I really am. it is not easy and I do pray every day, because I know this is my biggest weakness. But I have seen God’s work in my life and it has been a long process, and my life has changed little by little over time. I’m not perfect and know I will continue to struggle.

 

[newbetx]

My boyfriend and I are planning to become engaged soon, and have a Catholic wedding. We do a lot of things right, like go to church every Sunday, respect each other and love each other, are willing to accept children when we get married, etc., but also have our pitfalls as most couples do. We do have premarital sex, we recognize we are sinners, but nonetheless love Jesus and try our best to be good Catholics. But my question is, when we get married, I know that contraceptives are not allowed by the Church…however, I acquired herpes prior to this relationship. One good thing is that I was completely honest with my boyfriend in the very beginning, within the first few weeks of dating, I told him about it and thankfully he loves me anyway (one big reason in my life that I know God is at work). I do not want to pass it to him, even though my outbreaks are few and very mild at that. It took me awhile to get over this and get over being mad at myself and to realize that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about the way I was living my life. How can I handle this once we are married? I’m so, so torn over it.

Ah, have you seen a doctor about this. I mean with him… He deserves all the latest facts. There is medication but herpes affects more than just one person in a marriage. And there are still birthing issues, too. You two need to get up to date on the disease.

Yep, never too early to start living right. If you can’t wait for sex until you get married, you have some issues you don’t yet understand. BTDT. Please pick up the one of these great books on the subject. The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West or Holy Sex! by Popcak. There is SO much more to life and love than you may think!

Peace!

 

[Belgarion]

First things first, stop the sexual activity. Period.

Go to confession and received the sacrament of Reconciliation. Do not take Holy Communion until you do so. If you have gone to Holy Communion with that Mortal Sin on your soul, then you must confess that also.

This is especially important because you said you were aware of its sinfullness.

Also, since you mention contraceptives, but them only being a problem after marriage…I’m guessing that you use them now, right? If you’re using condoms (which is what I’m guessing EDIT: I was right) then that is also something to confess.

Once you have gone to confession AND started over by renewing your purity and actually practicing chastity. Take that chance to evaluate your relationship. Granted, that may not be a problem, but I’ve found that once sexual relations cease, problems can come up. So if everything in the relationship is fine, then its better to go through with marriage. (Sexual activity blinds you, so its best to make sure that you aren’t with him for the wrong reasons)

Finally, herpes is manageable. Once you are married, (and as I said, even before) you cannot practice an sort of artificial contraception. If you practice NFP, abstaining from sex during those break out periods will be easier.

So once you get back on track with living out the faith correctly, there won’t be much of a problem.

God bless

 

[kage_ar]

Many, many people have the herpes virus.

Except in wildly rare circumstances, it is painful and annoying during out breaks - but, it is not fatal nor threatening to health.

When you are married, that whole “in sickness or in health” thing - well, he knows that you have this virus and if you are married, the chances are he will contract it. You are already rolling those dice by having sex, condom or not.

You do need to seek the counsel of a holy Priest, stop the premarital sex and throw those condoms in the trash. Get married. Avoid being alone together until you are married to avoid the near occasion of sin.

 

[newbetx]

I do fully admit to having pre-marital sex. And yes, we use condoms. I know, both of those things are contrary to the church’s teachings. I struggle with it every day, I think about it every day. But for me it is not easy to make huge changes overnight and over time I feel like I’m becoming a better person. We are weak people and we know it. We’re also young and it’s a constant battle against what has become an oversexed culture. I think that although we struggle with the issues of pre-marital sex and contraception, we are doing well compared to a lot of what goes on in society today. We are very open with each other. We are completely faithful and go to church together. Each of us is very caring and giving to the other. I used to “hook up” (not necessarily sleep with) with different people that I wasn’t even dating, I don’t know if I was looking for self-esteem or what, but I prayed a lot and asked God to set me on a better path. It hasn’t happened overnight and I do strive to get better at practicing my faith as I know I should. I feel that God HAS set me on a better path by sending me someone in my life who accepts me and loves me and also loves God, someone who is faithful, someone who has helped me realize that I don’t need male attention to be a valuable person. I have sex with him because I love him and he loves me and I know it is wrong, but it is yet another thing I pray that God will help me with. For me, it is still not right, but it’s a step in the right direction toward achieving what God wants us to do.

I feel like, I’ve tried hard to overcome my past, and I asked this question because it’s something I struggle with, and I know that the answers I get won’t always be what I want to hear, but I feel like your answer was a little callous. I’m trying, I really am. it is not easy and I do pray every day, because I know this is my biggest weakness. But I have seen God’s work in my life and it has been a long process, and my life has changed little by little over time. I’m not perfect and know I will continue to struggle.

INCOMMING! Sorry, thought I’d warn you. Anytime a newbie starts a thread on premarital sex, there are posters here ready to tell you how bad your life is going to get. The two that have posted so far are very nice and tell the truth. You must realize we are not trying to punish you but guide you to a more faithful life.

I suggest you get educated. I was ignorant of the reasons for the Church teachings, too. It makes things so much better for you if you learn about the WHY? for the “rule.” If you and your bf can understand, a wonderful fufilling love life awaits you. If you understand, your weakness can be conquered. Strength restored. Love, taken to a new level. You can do it! Really! Many people do! Don’t look here for the answers. Look into your faith, read up on Theology of the Body. It will give you a basis upon which you can build your faith and relationships.

 

[LB5]

Ah, have you seen a doctor about this. I mean with him… He deserves all the latest facts. There is medication but herpes affects more than just one person in a marriage. And there are still birthing issues, too. You two need to get up to date on the disease.

Yes, I have seen a doctor. It’s been well over a year since I’ve had it and it has not been as much of a nightmare as one might think (I got it from receiving oral sex from someone who had a cold sore…many people, including me at that time, don’t realize oral herpes can become genital herpes), when it is passed that way the outbreaks are less severe and less frequent. Nonetheless, when I realized that my boyfriend and I were in it for the long haul, I got myself on medication more because I cared about passing it on, and less because I cared for my own discomfort. The medication is supposed to lessen the chance of transmission. He was not with me when I went to the doctor, but I know he’s talked it over with his own doctor and he’s also said he read up on it on his own so we have tried to be responsible about it.

I guess I should expect some level of harshness. But I am really trying to be a better Catholic. I felt for the longest time I was going through the motions and within the last few years or so I have really felt like I have started to grow and have felt my faith get stronger. I wish it was as easy as saying “just stop doing it now.” I know what I should do. There are times that I am strong enough to say no and times that I am weak and give in. Over the last few months, I feel I have gotten a lot better at making the right decisions but I am far from perfect. I know I’m weak and it upsets me, so I don’t need to be reminded that I am a sinner and that I am screwing up. I know I am. I struggle every day. The STD is always in the back of my mind and to me it’s a reminder that I strayed from God’s teachings. Maybe some of you think I should have been able to stop all pre-marital relations cold turkey after this and you’re probably right but I also hope that you can understand that it hasn’t been easy for me.

 

[ChristinaM]

My understanding of Church teaching that it is not acceptable to use condoms within marriage even to prevent transmission of a disease such as AIDS, or herpes in your case. My advice is to find a knowledgeable priest and discuss this with him. I know this is probably the last thing you want to discuss with Father So-and-so but you sound like you are in need of spiritual guidance as well as practical advice.

I guess I should expect some level of harshness. But I am really trying to be a better Catholic. I felt for the longest time I was going through the motions and within the last few years or so I have really felt like I have started to grow and have felt my faith get stronger. I wish it was as easy as saying “just stop doing it now.” I know what I should do. There are times that I am strong enough to say no and times that I am weak and give in. Over the last few months, I feel I have gotten a lot better at making the right decisions but I am far from perfect. I know I’m weak and it upsets me, so I don’t need to be reminded that I am a sinner and that I am screwing up. I know I am. I struggle every day. The STD is always in the back of my mind and to me it’s a reminder that I strayed from God’s teachings. Maybe some of you think I should have been able to stop all pre-marital relations cold turkey after this and you’re probably right but I also hope that you can understand that it hasn’t been easy for me.

I hear your sincerity and hope others do too. We’re not trying to beat you up, but sometimes we all need that little kick in the pants, you know? As for knowing what you should do, well, the Apostle Paul is right there with you “What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate.” (Romans 7:15) From my own experience in trying to overcome ingrained habits of sin…trying on my own did not work. Frequent confession was the only cure. Yes, it was horribly embarrassing to have to confess the same thing over and over to my parish priest (and though embarassment isn’t the best reason not to sin, sometimes it was a deterrent!) I also tried to grow in my devotion to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Through spending time at Adoration I began to realize how much Jesus loves me and how much He wants to be united with me in the Blessed Sacrament. I realized how much it hurts Him when I receive unworthily. After that it was easier (although not always easy) to avoid those occasions of sin. When I sinned gravely and couldn’t make it to confession, I sat in the pew at Communion time. It was the humbling experience I desperately needed to get out of my rut.

Dedicate yourself to purity one day at a time. For one day try to be pure in your thoughts, words, and deeds…then get up the next day and do it all over again. When you stumble, confess. Rinse and repeat.

I am sorry for going on and on, I know you may not have been looking for advice on this aspect of your post, but something in your post called out to me. I will pray for you and your boyfriend.

 

[blessedtoo]

Yes, I have seen a doctor. It’s been well over a year since I’ve had it and it has not been as much of a nightmare as one might think (I got it from receiving oral sex from someone who had a cold sore…many people, including me at that time, don’t realize oral herpes can become genital herpes), when it is passed that way the outbreaks are less severe and less frequent. Nonetheless, when I realized that my boyfriend and I were in it for the long haul, I got myself on medication more because I cared about passing it on, and less because I cared for my own discomfort. The medication is supposed to lessen the chance of transmission. He was not with me when I went to the doctor, but I know he’s talked it over with his own doctor and he’s also said he read up on it on his own so we have tried to be responsible about it.

I guess I should expect some level of harshness. But I am really trying to be a better Catholic. I felt for the longest time I was going through the motions and within the last few years or so I have really felt like I have started to grow and have felt my faith get stronger. I wish it was as easy as saying “just stop doing it now.” I know what I should do. There are times that I am strong enough to say no and times that I am weak and give in. Over the last few months, I feel I have gotten a lot better at making the right decisions but I am far from perfect. I know I’m weak and it upsets me, so I don’t need to be reminded that I am a sinner and that I am screwing up. I know I am. I struggle every day. The STD is always in the back of my mind and to me it’s a reminder that I strayed from God’s teachings. Maybe some of you think I should have been able to stop all pre-marital relations cold turkey after this and you’re probably right but I also hope that you can understand that it hasn’t been easy for me.

Hi there! I don’t have much to say on the specific issue but I observe in your posts that it sounds like you are the only one shouldering the responsibility to “be a good Catholic.”

Perhaps if the two of you were working TOGETHER toward this goal of chastity, it might be easier than what you’ve described here:

There are times that I am strong enough to say no and times that I am weak and give in. Over the last few months, I feel I have gotten a lot better at making the right decisions but I am far from perfect.

Have you considered making an appointment for you and your fiancee with your priest? Best be prepared to hear similar commentary about the sinfulness from him as well - but he may have some suggestions for how to achieve success with chastity.

There is a little book by Fr. Benedict Groeschel entitled The Courage to Be Chaste. It’s direct and simple but very powerful. Perhaps you and your fiancee could read it together!

God bless and stay strong!

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Like everyone else, I am going to tell you that you need to be chaste, right now. Your fiance has to be on board with this. You can do it. It will strengthen you and your relationship.

About the herpes: you can’t use a condom, ever. If your fiance is willing to deal with that, then I think you can go ahead and get married.

Talk to a doctor about managing the disease. Ask your priest to help you find a good Catholic pro-life doctor who won’t look at you like you’re an idiot just because you won’t use a condom, but will instead address the issue from a helpful POV.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Any faithful Catholic is going to tell you that you need to stop having sex until you are married and that you cannot, in good conscience, use contraceptives in your marriage. We will all say it differently (some more bluntly than others) but what else can you really expect to hear? We won’t tell you it’s ok that you’re trying…it’s not ok. It’s good that you’re trying but it’s not good enough.

I wish I had received the “kick in the pants” you are getting now before I got married. If you and your fiance stop all sexual activity now until your wedding day you will NOT regret it. It will be hard but anything worth doing is never easy. **

 

[Amber2]

Someone just wrote:
“It is good that you are trying but not good enough”
Wow! That is something. I hope you realise that you will be measured with the same measure as you measure with.
Let us all just realise one thing: We all broke the ten commandments. The author of the post obviously know she is doing something wrong so WHY keep telling her.
Also the idea that being informed/educated is going to save a person from sin. I could NOT agree less. But I guess the person who wrote that is without sin themselves since he/she is informed.
I wish you all the best. Hopefully through prayer, confession and eucharist you will be able to overcome this sin. Keep close to Jesus as you do, He never abandones the weak
Love Amber

 

[a_cermak]

The premarital sex bit is easy enough to fix by just getting married. The condoms are harder, but because you are using them not to stop new life, but to avoid transmitting disease, you may be able to talk to a priest about that. It is possible you will be left with 2 possible acts: sin against charity by spreading your disease to your partner or sin against continence by using condoms.

It is possible to use NFP for spacing of births but use condoms to avoid disease transmission. That’s tricky because the spermicidal gel on most condoms will mess with mucus readings, but if you use non-lubed condoms, it probably won’t.

 

[bunnynessuk]

The fact you have an std should tell you of the dangers of pre-marital sex.

I am talking from an experienced POV I engaged in it - but I stopped me and h2b are looking forward to marrying and we will enter it now as chaste peoples, we both stopped and confessed our sins, hard but worth it.

You cant use condoms its a statement of fact it goes against the church. You shouldnt marry knowing you are entering into a sacred union planning on going against the church.

You should seek spiritual guidance,
You should speak with your boyfriend - why would he risk your spiritual wellbeing by continuing to enage in these acts
You should speak to a health professional
You should be aware that your other half is likely to get the disease and you should ensure he knows and is ready for this.

J

 

[Harmony1988]

I remember Jason Evert saying something once about a couple where the wife was a virgin and the guy was not, they had a child, and the child was found to have genital warts in her THROAT, and then they discovered it was because the guy who had been sleeping around before had aquired the disease and it was passive on him, but when they had the child the disease was transmitted during conception or during the development to not only the mother but the child.

He didn’t realize until he had taken the child to the doctor and he had to explain it to the doctor. Sad, scary, but true. See a doctor and a priest.

 

[rebusrms]

I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you. I am praying that you receive understanding and peace as well as guidance. Please remember that God loves you and your BF very much and wants whats bests for you. You sound so sincere in your desire to make things right with God and become good practicing Catholics. I admire that and am on the sidelines cheering you on. I can’t speak like some other folks here on the forum because I am nothing more than a simple man capable of sin. In short I’m not perfect but that is why we have God’s grace. Its for us and everybody else. I did what to tell you a secret. Sex as a married couple is so much better than pre martial sex. I know I might sound crazy but its true. There is something to say about sex within the dynamic of a martial commitment. Please be well and know that many folks are praying for you and your bf and wish only the best that Christ has for you.

 

[kmleo]

I, too, am going to jump on the “chastity now” bandwagon, but for a little bit different reason.

First, though, you are trying now to be better Catholics and you have come here through a series of baby steps that have strengthened your faith. Kudoes! Asking your question at all has shown that you want to deepen your relationship with God, with each other and to get it right with Christ. All positive steps in the right direction. But, you have a long way to go, as we all do.

So why is it important that you practice chastity now? Marriage is going to require sacrifices, big and small, hard and easy. If you have a marriage like mine, some will seem downright impossible! However, making sacrifices, like other difficult actions, becomes easier with practice. If you and your future spouse begin now by giving up pleasure in the name of doing what is right and pleasing to God, ultimately your marriage will be better insulated against the types of troubles that cause divorce and despair. You also set yourselves up for NFP success. While it is there is no question that you should give up pre-marital sex completely as many PPs have said, I also suggest that baby steps are better than no steps (please don’t flame me for that!). I recommend fasting as a great way to start. Fasting from food or abstaining from meat is the most common form, but fasting from each other will most directly help you with this “problem.” Fasting provides clarity and humility and will give you more opportunity to truly listen to what God has to say to your hearts on the matter. Fasting will also free up some time for reading these great book recommendations… I do recommend going to confession just before beginning a fast – I always found that I prefer how it feels to be clean and pure! I also recommend that you and your fiance be supportive and hold each other accountable for your expressed desire to be pure and obedient. You further sin by tempting one another to “give in,” you know.

Here are a few resources for fasting, but I definitely recommend doing your own search!
catholic.com/thisrock/1997/9703chap.asp
uscatholic.claretians.org/site/News2?abbr=usc_&page=NewsArticle&id=5987
catholicism.about.com/od/catholicliving/p/Fasting.htm

May God bless you and your future spouse with a holy and sacred marriage!!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Someone just wrote:
“It is good that you are trying but not good enough”
Wow! That is something. I hope you realise that you will be measured with the same measure as you measure with.

**
I wrote that and I DO measure myself by the same stick. When I fall (and I do often, like everyone else) I don’t start my confession with, “I sinned but I am trying not to so that makes it a bit better right?”. No, I am sorry with my entire heart and realize that trying is not good enough. If I want to make it up to God I have to stop committing the same sin over and over. It is very very hard. But if I told myself that trying to stop was good enough then it would be much harder to actually stop. That was my point, not that trying isn’t a good thing…just how we tell things to ourselves in our own minds can have a huge impact on our success or failure.

**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

My boyfriend and I are planning to become engaged soon, and have a Catholic wedding. We do a lot of things right, like go to church every Sunday, respect each other and love each other, are willing to accept children when we get married, etc.,
**
All of those are good building blocks:thumbsup:**

but also have our pitfalls as most couples do. We do have premarital sex, we recognize we are sinners, but nonetheless love Jesus and try our best to be good Catholics.
**
So, this statement is a bit unclear. Bu “trying to be good Catholics” do you mean you are trying not to have premarital sex, or by doing other good Catholic things?**

But my question is, when we get married, I know that contraceptives are not allowed by the Church…however, I acquired herpes prior to this relationship. One good thing is that I was completely honest with my boyfriend in the very beginning, within the first few weeks of dating, I told him about it and thankfully he loves me anyway (one big reason in my life that I know God is at work). I do not want to pass it to him, even though my outbreaks are few and very mild at that. It took me awhile to get over this and get over being mad at myself and to realize that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about the way I was living my life. How can I handle this once we are married? I’m so, so torn over it.

**No practical advice on how you can handle it in marriage, but it is something that you and your boyfriend need to concretely figure out now, long before any plans are made. I would think looking up all of the possibilities for you, him, and future children is a good start. Talking to a doctor together is another good option. Finding out what it means for pregnancy and child birth (like what medications are safe/unsafe during pregnancy etc) is a must…

Is your boyfriend truly ok with the fact that he could contact herpes too? No matter how cautious you are it can still happen.**