Catholic marriage...STD?

[Serap]

Hey, I am very impressed with your eagerness to live a good life as a Catholic.

It’s easy for people to say that you’re not trying hard enough or you must stop. I bet most of the other posters also had premarital sex too; I did and I later confessed it after I was married. It could be very easy for me to now preach to you b/c I am married and have confessed. In my mind, that’s not what being Christian is about.

Don’t be so hard on yourself! Life is very difficult and when people judge harshly, it can almost make you feel like Catholicism is asking too much of you and you are trying so hard. The end result is often a young person turning away from the church. So many preacher types don’t realize the impact they are having and scare tactics only make it easier for Satan to pick at your natural human weaknesses.

Don’t give up and try each day to be like the Virgin Mary. She is such a beautiful role model for us women and we are so lucky to have her. Pray Hail Mary…it’s such a powerful prayer. Ask to her for help - tell her your desires.

Of course we are going to fall, but we have to get back up and try again! That’s the power of God’s love. It’s not something to fear.

How about you and your boyfriend try to give up premarital sex for one month? See if you can do it. If you can do it for one month, then try another month. If a month is too long, try a week and then another week. Take it one step at a time.

I agree with seeing a priest. You can both confess also if you feel comfortable.

Keep trying…the posters on this site can be very authoritative, but don’t focus on that. Focus on how much God loves you and how much you are trying. Admire yourself for your strength. Admire how much you are trying to become a better person. Jesus sees your heart and loves you. Remember that.

 

[raes]

Someone just wrote:
“It is good that you are trying but not good enough”
Wow! That is something. I hope you realise that you will be measured with the same measure as you measure with.
Let us all just realise one thing: We all broke the ten commandments. The author of the post obviously know she is doing something wrong so WHY keep telling her.
Also the idea that being informed/educated is going to save a person from sin. I could NOT agree less. But I guess the person who wrote that is without sin themselves since he/she is informed.
I wish you all the best. Hopefully through prayer, confession and eucharist you will be able to overcome this sin. Keep close to Jesus as you do, He never abandones the weak
Love Amber

I do not understand what is so bad about saying “it is good that you are trying, but not good enough”.
Yes, we will all be measured by the same ruler, and we are all sinners. But the measure we will be measured by is Jesus. We are all called to be Saints, so trying is one thing, but resolving to strive with all our might to be Saints is what we are called to.

I can’t help but notice in the first posting (or second… ) that the person who started this post said they are trying, and that they think they are doing better than some other people, because they are trying to live as God asks of us, but they also blame some of it on the fact that we live in an oversexed world.

This is a mistake. We must never compare ourselves with each other, but rather compare ourselves with Christ. We must not ask ourselves if we are living better than others, but we must ask if we are living as Christ asked us to live.

Just for clarification: I am also engaged. We have NEVER engaged in premarital sex. I know the world may seem ‘oversexed’ at times, but you have to hold fast to your faith and beliefs. Until you can control yourselves, I do not think you should get married (as chastity is also required in marriage).

I pray for you.

 

[Paul1961]

Serap…Excellent post.

To the original poster LB5. Most of the forum participants are your most committed serious Catholics. You are not likely to find any wiggle room from church rules. You are more likely to find sympathetic counseling from a priest than on this forum.

Catholics(as well as numerous Priest, Bishops and Cardinals) in the country and around the world overwhelming support the lifting of the condom ban. I would be surprised if the ban is not lifted within the next few years. Most Catholics in the U.S. use some form of artificial birth control. On this forum, it’s NFP or abstinence. No exceptions regardless of the circumstances.

My DW and I used condoms before and between our children. After we decided that we did not want more children, my wife held my hand and watched while the urologist performed a vasectomy.

Good Luck,

Paul

 

[bunnynessuk]

I suspect that what Paul1961 is trying to say is that he is a cafeteria catholie - catholic in name but not necessarily in action
The catholic church does not support the use of contraception - IT IS A SIN.

I do not believe you should start your married life in a state of sin.

Pray, speak to your priest and remember that noone said being a catholic was easy but if you are you should abide by the rules of the church.

Marriage is about a partnership, love & respect and growing in faith.

You should not use contraception FULL STOP

 

[raes]

Paul1961… I pray for you. Anyone who truly believes in and UNDERSTANDS where the Church is coming from with regards to their outlines on pre-marital sex and contraceptives would not want the ‘condom ban’ lifted.

Again, just because other Catholic families use condoms, does not make it ok!! We must compare ourselves to Christ and measure ourselves against him… not others.

I am a young adult(university aged) who is passionate about the Church and it’s teachings. Nothing saddens me more than ‘Catholics’ who want the Church to change it’s rules to make life easier… (e.g. lift condom ban). It is not easy to live as Christ calls us to live, but the reward in the end is great if we do committ ourselves to follow him, fully, without making personal exceptions.

 

[kage_ar]

How is it harsh to say “go to confession”? God is waiting to forgive our sins, every single one of us - any sin, vasectomy, contraception, lust, premarital sex, murder, skipping Mass, any sin you can imagine, God is there to pour out forgivness and love.

Oh, and BTW - the laws against contraception, sterilization, sex outside of marriage, stealing, lying - they are the laws of God. The Church is God’s gift to us to help us know Him and guide us to heaven.

One more thing, marriage is about getting to heaven first and foremost, about bringing new life into the world - again, the OPs Priest and the Holy Spirit, through frequent reception of the Sacraments and counseling will help her and her boyfriend understand this.

 

[iluvmybabies]

It is very sad when I see another Catholic turn away from Catholicism and into a different religion…
Our priest is very understanding, and he quotes things that I didn’t even know were on the Bible…I need to really read it with more concentration and try to understand it better!!

I mean he will tell us things like, “What would Jesus do, if Jesus would have judged everyone right there and then He wouldn’t be the Kind son of GOD, if Jesus would have judged us then He wouldn’t have died for our sins! We would all be rotting in hell!”

My bf’s brother just last night, a baptised, communionized, and I believe confirmed Catholic, stated, “I am not Catholic, nor will I ever be!”

He and his new wife are married through a different church, she’s Christian and he’s Catholic. But neither church accepted them to wed through either one?! So they found a different religion that accepted them and wed them.
They have been together since she was 16 and is now 22. They have lived together since she was 17, in the same house, premarital sex and all!!!
They use the pill for contraception…

They were not happy knowing that what they were doing condemmed them to hell!!! They felt as human beings trying to do the right things, like community service, helping others, loving each other, dedicating time for family, etc was a good show of how much they loved GOD and believed in Him, and when their churches were judging them they ran away…and found one that didn’t judge them, but congratulated on taking the steps of being good servants of GOD.

They have worked hard together to have what they do, and I know they help out others as much as they can, I am sure they do. They love each other and after 6 years of dating are now married!

They didn’t agree with the why of the church against premarital sex, they were like, “we have been together 6 years, anything and everything that can happen to someone has happened to us and thanks to GOD we have worked it out and are doing great! We love each other and are grateful for GOD for each other! Why should we be judged by our peers for loving each other when we feel we have done nothing wrong?!”

And to some it might be the worst thing they could do and say and for others they might understand…

One of my bffs she left the Catholic church for a more, open, and more modern Catholic church…Their priest practices on what he has read on the Bible about forgiveness, understanding and tries to guide everyone without judging them. She has told me that he tries to make them feel at home, all the time, not as if they have to put in a straight face when they go into their church!! She states he provides great Catholic music, lot’s of cheer and love without telling anyone nor pointing fingers…He lets them know that after all we are human and are meant to sin, we are not perfect and everything that is done to try and be a better person and closer to God is a small step closer to God’s wonderful love and grace and God loves us no matter what…

It’s interesting to see how some people after all the sins they have committed whether they are small white lies or huge ones are the first to point fingers…kind of reminds me of my mother!! “OMG You are doing this wrong! You are going to hell!!” It’s like so does that mean if I sneeze I am going to hell too? Makes people wonder “so if this GOD is so great how come he judges so harshly?” But I know God doesn’t judge too harshly…I know he will condemn those that still disobey accordingly, do unto other’s as you would like to have done onto you…and the prodigal son, the shepherd who’s lost his sheep, behold I send you out as sheep amonst the wolves…So many things to think about, and yet God still loves us even though we are sinners, and born out of sin!

I don’t think it should be “you are sinning go to hell!!” Nor burn the person at the stake for committing the same sin over and over…but to look at the examples of everything Jesus did, especially with Mary Magdalene, Jesus does forgive her for her wrongful and immoral acts of selling herself, and before they stoned her he stated “anyone free from sin cast the first stone” And then He forgives her and tells her to live free from sin…Something she took it from the heart and with love and dedication…and she did it cold turkey…
Can we find the strength to stop committing sins cold turkey?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Perhaps if Jesus was here in front of us we would stop cold turkey…But because he is not we seem to find the strength within us to do so…My mother tells me cussing is a sin, and I am condemmed to hell for it, among other things she judges me for, the point is that I have tried to stop cussing, I even stopped getting tats when I was told I was condemmed…the cussing is a work in progress and I still cuss out a storm! I am ashamed of it, but it’s so hard for me to handle that situation better… I have lied on so many occasions even if they were white lies, and I hate myself for it, I punish myself harshly for lying and I submit into deep praying and begging for forgiveness. My priest has told me I was harder on myself than Jesus would probably have been to me!!! But it’s another habit hard to quit as well! One of my ex sups when it came to speaking about performances started at me and stated that “some employees are harder on themselves than they should be!!” And I was like uhm?? hehehe

And it’s true… I hate myself when I sin and I try not to do the same mistake, but being a mortal it’s soooo hard not to do it again!!! Even if it’s a tiny white lie!! Even if it’s a tantrum I throw for not getting my way at home, or with my dog, or my kids!! Something that to some might seem like what’s her problem? And to others, such as my mother, OMG you are going to hell!!!

So who is to really be able to speak about sin and judge people? We can all give advice about “you are doing this wrong and you need to stop!!” But with my mother doing that to me my whole life oh man does that just get to me!! As stated by the OP she’s trying and that’s all she can do…Some can’t quit cold turkey…my bf has been trying for years to quit smoking…patches, counseling, etc…and still to this day, his inability to keep his strength on his determination of quiting has not enabled him to do so…is this a lack of faith? No I don’t think it is, I just think he is just unable to let go of something that has given him comfort for so long as a human being made to make mistakes, he is unable to just let it go…

After reading and speaking with our priest, I have found out that questions, trials by error, and failures aren’t a lack of faith, but a beginning of strength towards your faith…

If Jesus was around here and seeing us I don’t think he’d be happy but I also don’t think he would turn his back towards us…but inspire us with the Holy Spirit to commit to our faith, grant us peace and show us the way…stop us there on our tracks from sinning again…but he’s not here so it’s up to us to continue trying until we get it right…

Yes God set his laws and rules and we must abide by them, but He also understands that we are human and as long as we are trying we still have the chance to reach that strength in our Faith and live in the right way through GOD!!!

God bless and I will pray for the OP to help her in this struggle…Hang on to your faith, seek counseling with your priest and continue trying…We might judge ourselves harder than our Father would but we do it because we feel we deserve it…Keep continuing to strengthen your faith and congrats on trying to follow through God’s love. The more counseling you get the easier it will be to get to your wedding date!! :thumbsup:

 

[kage_ar]

OT, but, should be pointed out - the New Testament does not say that Mary Magdeline was a prostitute. We know Christ forgave her of sin and healed her, we do not know what that sin was.

Back to the topic, a good book for the OP and those who want to better understand Confesson is Scott Hahn’s “Lord, Have Mercy”.

 

[iluvmybabies]

OT, but, should be pointed out - the New Testament does not say that Mary Magdeline was a prostitute. We know Christ forgave her of sin and healed her, we do not know what that sin was.

Back to the topic, a good book for the OP and those who want to better understand Confesson is Scott Hahn’s “Lord, Have Mercy”.

Well whatever her sin was thanks to Jesus she stopped doing whatever she was doing cold turkey, something many of us really can’t do…and need to work on until we get it right…

Confession does help, a lot, the peace you receive is undeniable, and the OP will definitely feel better and might find a bit of more strength to speak with her bf about what’s important and how much she needs his support in both making the right choices until their wedding date!!!

 

[Amber2]

As far as I see we are human and can only DO OUR BEST.
Maybe trying isn’t good enough for some folks here. I don’t see any other option. In connection with this sin or any other sin.

 

[kage_ar]

As far as I see we are human and can only DO OUR BEST.
Maybe trying isn’t good enough for some folks here. I don’t see any other option. In connection with this sin or any other sin.

Yes, we are only human, and can do our best - and remember, doing our best is opening ourselves to the strength that only comes from the Grace of the Sacraments. God does not expect us to have strengh on our own, in fact, Scripture teaches us that with out Him we can do nothing. We need to turn to our source of strenght, Christ - the Eucharist is our food, Confession is our healing, we need to be fed and whole to make this journey!

 

[He_Man]

Serap…Excellent post.

To the original poster LB5. Most of the forum participants are your most committed serious Catholics. You are not likely to find any wiggle room from church rules. You are more likely to find sympathetic counseling from a priest than on this forum.

Catholics(as well as numerous Priest, Bishops and Cardinals) in the country and around the world overwhelming support the lifting of the condom ban. I would be surprised if the ban is not lifted within the next few years. Most Catholics in the U.S. use some form of artificial birth control. On this forum, it’s NFP or abstinence. No exceptions regardless of the circumstances.

My DW and I used condoms before and between our children. After we decided that we did not want more children, my wife held my hand and watched while the urologist performed a vasectomy.

Good Luck,

Paul

Umm, the website is called CatholicAnswers, not Paul1961Answers.

When someone wants advice rooting in Church teaching, they need to hear it. Admitting you blow off the rules because you disagree means you aren’t qualified to give advice on the matter. Stop now so you don’t do more damage by injecting bad opinions.

This is about what the Church teaches; no one cares what you actually believe.

 

[He_Man]

As far as I see we are human and can only DO OUR BEST.
Maybe trying isn’t good enough for some folks here. I don’t see any other option. In connection with this sin or any other sin.

Trying must imply that you are taking steps to remedy whatever sinful actions we have though. Trying is not giving ourselves a pass without making a sincere effort.

For instance, trying would be making a pact with your fiance to agree to be chaste, and to put yourself in situations that enable that (no sleeping in the same bed). if you stumble, confession is yours to help pick you up.

Trying is NOT saying we do our best, but never actually trying to end the behavior. That make ease our conscience, but it doesn’t fool God. Remember, in the end, He knows whether or not we are trying; He cannot be deceived, no matter how much we asure ourselves.

 

[Amber2]

To me trying = sincere effort. Why else call it trying. I don’t understand what is so confusing here.

 

[He_Man]

Fair enough, you know whether or not you are trying. We cannot judge that, and frankly, shouldn’t

I was just pointing out that some people claim to be trying, but they allow themselves to sleep in the same bed, and fall into sin. That isn’t really trying, it is trying to find a way around the rules.

 

[a_cermak]

I really don’t see why everyone is focusing on the premarital sex. If they get married, and I would argue that if they’re ready for it, sooner would be better than later, then it avoids the whole sin in the first place as sexual relations within wedlock are wholly appropriate. So why sweat that sin when it will be regularized and the sin will cease the minute the vows are spoken?

I’m far more worried by the fact that she and her partner will have to choose between 2 sins, the sin against charity (spreading the illness to her partner–or for the partner, endangering his own health), or the sin against continence (using condoms). I think a real life priest (as opposed to folks like me on an anonymous forum) can give far sager advice and more compassion to the original poster.

 

[He_Man]

I really don’t see why everyone is focusing on the premarital sex. If they get married, and I would argue that if they’re ready for it, sooner would be better than later, then it avoids the whole sin in the first place as sexual relations within wedlock are wholly appropriate.

No offense, but can you tell they are “ready for marriage???”

We have ZERO information. We don’t know their backgrounds, campatibility, family issues, etc.

And the answer to the sin of premarital sex isn’t to shotgun a wedding to it technically isn’t premarital any more…

 

[rinnie]

Here us the thing, forget about what sins you have, we all have sins. Think about getting it right with God and the Church thats all. The best thing to do is talk to Father, he is going to be more understanding then you may think.

Father told me its not our sin that he is worried about, Its fixing them and getting us back in the good grace with God. Thats the job he and the Church has.

As far as the other talk to the Dr, he will help you best with that.

 

[a_cermak]

No offense, but can you tell they are “ready for marriage???”

We have ZERO information. We don’t know their backgrounds, campatibility, family issues, etc.

And the answer to the sin of premarital sex isn’t to shotgun a wedding to it technically isn’t premarital any more…

That’s why I said if they’re ready for it. Ready for it would imply that they understand it is a permanent obligation, that they have an understanding of how they will deal with such things as monetary practices and the practical aspects of child rearing should they be so fortunate.

Why is the answer to the sin of premarital sex not to marry? Did not St. Paul say it is better to marry than to burn? The whole point of marriage is to provide a safe institution in which sexuality can be expressed. Yes, it will no longer be technically pre-marital–it will be sanctified by the vows said and will just be an expression of marital love and fidelity.