Catholic marriage...STD?

[He_Man]

Yes, but if the person has major defects, marriage is NOT the solution to unsavory urges.

If you are sleeping with a deadbeat, I wouldn’t recommend marriage.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I am a serial murderer. I am really trying to stop. I know it is wrong. I am sorry for hurting all of those people and leaving countless grieving families. But at least I am not killing small children. That would be worse. So I guess I’m not a totally horrible person. Oh, and I always tip my wait staff. That’s good right?

Sounds ridiculous when applies to a different sin, doesn’t it?

So, that’s my point about “trying”. How hard we try doesn’t make the sin go away. Stopping the action and confessing gets us on the road to recovery of whatever our sins may be.

Trying is GOOD. But no matter how hard we try, if we are still comitting sin we are still offending God and causing harm. So ,no, trying is not good enough. Trying doesn’t increase our sense of accomplishment…actually succeeding does.

Again, trying is GOOD… but only as a starting point, not the end point. Is that more clear?**

 

[blessedtoo]

**I am a serial murderer. I am really trying to stop. I know it is wrong. I am sorry for hurting all of those people and leaving countless grieving families. But at least I am not killing small children. That would be worse. So I guess I’m not a totally horrible person. Oh, and I always tip my wait staff. That’s good right?

Sounds ridiculous when applies to a different sin, doesn’t it?

So, that’s my point about “trying”. How hard we try doesn’t make the sin go away. Stopping the action and confessing gets us on the road to recovery of whatever our sins may be.

Trying is GOOD. But no matter how hard we try, if we are still comitting sin we are still offending God and causing harm. So ,no, trying is not good enough. Trying doesn’t increase our sense of accomplishment…actually succeeding does.

Again, trying is GOOD… but only as a starting point, not the end point. Is that more clear?**

God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
Mother Teresa

Guess you know better…

 

[kage_ar]

Guess you know better…

Mother set the example of frequent confession and reception of the Eucharist, that is what trying IS.

Mother never said to just try on your own and that is good enough.

We should all try as Mother tried, fasting, prayer, spiritual direction, sacrifice, giving ourselves entirely to Christ. Yep, try just like Blessed Teresa of Calcutta.

 

[whatevergirl]

My boyfriend and I are planning to become engaged soon, and have a Catholic wedding. We do a lot of things right, like go to church every Sunday, respect each other and love each other, are willing to accept children when we get married, etc., but also have our pitfalls as most couples do. We do have premarital sex, we recognize we are sinners, but nonetheless love Jesus and try our best to be good Catholics. But my question is, when we get married, I know that contraceptives are not allowed by the Church…however, I acquired herpes prior to this relationship. One good thing is that I was completely honest with my boyfriend in the very beginning, within the first few weeks of dating, I told him about it and thankfully he loves me anyway (one big reason in my life that I know God is at work). I do not want to pass it to him, even though my outbreaks are few and very mild at that. It took me awhile to get over this and get over being mad at myself and to realize that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about the way I was living my life. How can I handle this once we are married? I’m so, so torn over it.

**Hi LB;

Great advice from most on here…I think that you know what you need to do, but doing it, ah…that can be difficult sometimes. I think that going to frequent confession will help you and your bf to overcome the struggle with your current sex life. While it’s great to ‘say’ that you love Christ…we also must try our best to show Him. I have struggled with various sins over the years, too…and only through frequent confession, and praying the Rosary, etc…was I able to be in a better place–overcoming much of what separated me from a full relationship with Christ. Something powerful that got through to me was when a priest told me…‘you cannot serve man, and God at the same time.’ I had realized that I was serving myself for a long time, and while I also believed that I put God first, I couldn’t have been, if I allowed sin to take His throne.

So, maybe spend some time reflecting on that. Your devotion to God through words, and some actions (going to mass, etc) need to come full circle, to completely surrendering your lives to Christ…and putting your sex life to bed ( no pun intended) until you are both married. It is a tough thing. I waited until I was married, but I can’t say it was easy. You love your bf, he loves you–but God is not part of the equation, when it comes to your sex life. God wants you to wait. By not waiting, you are telling God–I know this part of my life better than you, but thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

I learned how to view the marital embrace very recently, and for years, was ignorant to it. I know what it’s like to struggle in this area, albeit in a different way. But, the good news is that God is here to help you with your struggles. I pray that through prayer, and confession, you and your bf stop having sex. I can’t judge you–nor would I ever. I just hope that you choose to forfeit your current sex life, and wait to resume it during your married life. It will be worth it, and you will experience a relationship with Christ, far greater than what you are receiving now in your sex life. Yes, I’m sure you feel close to your bf through sex-but there is no comparison to the closeness between a bf and gf, and the closeness between a human being and Christ. Nothing compares.

It won’t be easy, but much isn’t, when it comes to the Christian walk.

As for the condoms…I would discuss this with a very skilled and trusted priest, or advisor…one who might have experience in dealing with these types of medical issues. I know what the Church teaches about using condoms, but I think you’d both benefit from a sitdown with someone well versed in the CCC, and in dealing with these types of real life issues.

I wish you luck…and God bless!! Please feel free to pm me, if you ever need extra moral support. **

I

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Mother set the example of frequent confession and reception of the Eucharist, that is what trying IS.

Mother never said to just try on your own and that is good enough.

**
Exactly. ALL of us are sinners. Even Mother Theresa. Or else she would not have needed Confession. So trying is the beginning of being a better person, it doesn’t make you a better person.

So, if someone is comitting a habitual sin (fornication, masturbation, yelling at their kids, stealing from their workplace…whatever) they cannot say that trying to stop makes everything ok. But having a desire to try to stop indicates that they have a conscience and hopefully a love for God. So by trying to get better they take ACTION to improve.

The OP volunteered tht she is having sex with her boyfriend. She also made no mention of wanting help to stop, just offered examples of others way she is practicing her faith. So, I think it is right that posters here point out that she is commiting a grave sin and try to offer advice to help. It is not OK to let her think that it is OK.
**

 

[blessedtoo]

**

The OP volunteered tht she is having sex with her boyfriend. She also made no mention of wanting help to stop, just offered examples of others way she is practicing her faith. So, I think it is right that posters here point out that she is commiting a grave sin and try to offer advice to help. It is not OK to let her think that it is OK.
**

From the OP second post:

I struggle with it every day, I think about it every day. But for me it is not easy to make huge changes overnight and over time I feel like I’m becoming a better person. We are weak people and we know it.

I know it is wrong, but it is yet another thing I pray that God will help me with. For me, it is still not right, but it’s a step in the right direction toward achieving what God wants us to do.

I’m trying, I really am. it is not easy and I do pray every day, because I know this is my biggest weakness.

So now we get to judge whether a person is sorry ENOUGH?

 

[Paul1961]

He Man
You seem to think the purpose of the forum is limited to answers you deem as in line with Catholic teaching. Please read…

"CAF Statement of Purpose
The Catholic Answers Forums (CAF) exists to provide a community for Catholics and non-Catholics of all levels of interest in and/or commitment to the Catholic Church where they may gather on the Internet for discussion in a safe and charitable environment. We do not require that members agree with the Catholic Church in order to participate; only that they remain charitable in their postings.

We provide forums for discussion of various viewpoints within and outside of Christianity; some of the forums that reflect such wide points of view are Traditional Catholicism, Eastern Catholicism, and Non-Catholic Religions. While many who gather in these forums are faithful Catholics, CAF members (Catholic or otherwise) are free to discuss issues of interest to them, even though some of those issues are not entirely in line with the Church’s understanding of Christianity.

We feel that by allowing discussion of issues of concern for Catholics and non-Catholics, CAF is not endorsing those issues that are contrary to Church teachings but allowing members to discuss those issues amongst themselves".

 

[whatevergirl]

Trying to me, means going beyond words…and living a different life, with the possible slip up. Thus, one goes back to confession again and again, until hopefully, the slip ups (sin) stop happening. Trying to stop, means to stop having sex, in this case, and to fill in that time with something else. If they fall, they need to try again. But, saying…‘we’re trying’ but the behavior never ever stops, is not trying. Trying is in the actually doing or not doing of behavior–not in the mere words behind wishing to stop the behavior. So, if a couple is having trouble breaking free from premarital sex, says they wants to stop the behavior, but they continue having sex on a daily basis…that’s not really trying. I think that it’s also helpful if such couple lives apart, and not together–which is largely why the CC frowns on couples living together before marriage. Near occasions of sin are just too tempting.

Another example would be my son…who is struggling with math right now. If he says…‘I want to get a’s,’ but doesn’t do one single ACTION to move towards more positive behavior, he isn’t trying, then. He is just saying he wishes for a different result, but he isn’t willing to work towards that result. He has changed his behavior by the way. lol

So I agree with what you’re saying here, Malia.

 

[whatevergirl]

From the OP second post:
So now we get to judge whether a person is sorry ENOUGH?

**
where are you getting that from? No one is judging the OP. We are offering her hope, and advice. Hope that things will get better, and advice that things NEED to get better…for her own peace of mind, not ours. lol That is what Catholic friends do for one another…we don’t judge, but we try to lead others to thinking differently about a very tough subject. We are not judging if she is sorry or not…

I’m sure she is. The hope in this, is that she is sorrowful, and only when we realize that we are living in sin, is there any hope of turning the corner, and changing.**

 

[a_cermak]

In this economic climate, we’ll probably see more couples living together, not less. The practice (and I’ll admit I lived with my partner for 5 years prior to our wedding) is frequently just as much about economics as anything else.

And I also believe it is good preparation for marriage. When my partner and I got married, we didn’t really need to figure out how to work with budgeting or anything. We already knew how to do the money side of things. I knew his economic philosophy and he knew mine.

I know the divorce rate is higher among cohabiting couples, but I suspect it is as much for the reason that you’ll find a lot more folks who have absolutely no problem with divorce amongst those who cohabitate, so their rates naturally would be higher.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Trying to me, means going beyond words…and living a different life, with the possible slip up. Thus, one goes back to confession again and again, until hopefully, the slip ups (sin) stop happening. Trying to stop, means to stop having sex, in this case, and to fill in that time with something else. If they fall, they need to try again. But, saying…‘we’re trying’ but the behavior never ever stops, is not trying. Trying is in the actually doing or not doing of behavior–not in the mere words behind wishing to stop the behavior. So, if a couple is having trouble breaking free from premarital sex, says they wants to stop the behavior, but they continue having sex on a daily basis…that’s not really trying. I think that it’s also helpful if such couple lives apart, and not together–which is largely why the CC frowns on couples living together before marriage. Near occasions of sin are just too tempting.

Another example would be my son…who is struggling with math right now. If he says…‘I want to get a’s,’ but doesn’t do one single ACTION to move towards more positive behavior, he isn’t trying, then. He is just saying he wishes for a different result, but he isn’t willing to work towards that result. He has changed his behavior by the way. lol

So I agree with what you’re saying here, Malia.

**
Thank You. You out it beautifully (like always).**

 

[a_cermak]

**
where are you getting that from? No one is judging the OP. We are offering her hope, and advice. **

I’ve seen little hope or advice, but I have seen a lot of what I’d call mean-spirited judging.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’ve seen little hope or advice, but I have seen a lot of what I’d call mean-spirited judging.

**
I am very sorry if anything I have posted is seen as mean spirited. The exact opposite is true. It is only because I do not want a fellow sister in Christ to suffer or be in a state of sin that I say anything at all. Maybe my words come out wrong, but my intention is to help.
**

 

[whatevergirl]

I’ve seen little hope or advice, but I have seen a lot of what I’d call mean-spirited judging.

Sometimes, people become emotional writers. As Malia states, she is just trying to help…we all are. There is great hope in knowing that people are trying to help the OP. I would have less hope, and great fear, if I came to a Catholic forum like this, and saw people placating her, and not offering some real advice for her to work with. The OP knows she is living in sin…she seems like she is asking for help, and how to change.

If she was seeking prayers only, perhaps advice would be over the top, but in rereading her OP, it seems that she is seeking advice. I haven’t noticed any lack of charity. I’m usually good at picking up on that. lol

 

[blessedtoo]

Trying to me, means going beyond words…and living a different life, with the possible slip up. Thus, one goes back to confession again and again, until hopefully, the slip ups (sin) stop happening. Trying to stop, means to stop having sex, in this case, and to fill in that time with something else.

From the OP’s own post:

But I am really trying to be a better Catholic. I felt for the longest time I was going through the motions and within the last few years or so I have really felt like I have started to grow and have felt my faith get stronger. I wish it was as easy as saying “just stop doing it now.” I know what I should do. There are times that I am strong enough to say no and times that I am weak and give in. Over the last few months, I feel I have gotten a lot better at making the right decisions but I am far from perfect. I know I’m weak and it upsets me, so I don’t need to be reminded that I am a sinner and that I am screwing up. I know I am. I struggle every day. The STD is always in the back of my mind and to me it’s a reminder that I strayed from God’s teachings. Maybe some of you think I should have been able to stop all pre-marital relations cold turkey after this and you’re probably right but I also hope that you can understand that it hasn’t been easy for me.

If they fall, they need to try again. But, saying…‘we’re trying’ but the behavior never ever stops, is not trying. Trying is in the actually doing or not doing of behavior–not in the mere words behind wishing to stop the behavior. So, if a couple is having trouble breaking free from premarital sex, says they wants to stop the behavior, but they continue having sex on a daily basis…that’s not really trying.

You, and others, are making many assumptions here. I take issue with that alone. Suggestions are fine but people seem to be basing their advice on perception rather than what the OP has actually stated.**
**

I think that it’s also helpful if such couple lives apart, and not together–which is largely why the CC frowns on couples living together before marriage. Near occasions of sin are just too tempting.

I agree. That is a great and HELPFUL suggestion.

Another example would be my son…who is struggling with math right now. If he says…‘I want to get a’s,’ but doesn’t do one single ACTION to move towards more positive behavior, he isn’t trying, then. He is just saying he wishes for a different result, but he isn’t willing to work towards that result. He has changed his behavior by the way. lol

From the OP:

We do a lot of things right, like go to church every Sunday, respect each other and love each other, are willing to accept children when we get married, etc.,
I pray that God will help me with it.
it is not easy and I do pray every day, because I know this is my biggest weakness.

Granted, there is no mention of Confession in her posts and it is worthwhile to remind her of the benefits of the Sacrament but I don’t think we should assume she has not availed herself of this grace.

And clearly, she does not need to be reminded she is sinning. She has stated repeatedly that she understands.

 

[blessedtoo]

**
I am very sorry if anything I have posted is seen as mean spirited. The exact opposite is true. It is only because I do not want a fellow sister in Christ to suffer or be in a state of sin that I say anything at all. Maybe my words come out wrong, but my intention is to help.
**

Don’t sweat it.

Reading the OP, I am struck by how incredibly difficult it must be for young people to understand and accept what WE have all come to believe and accept after years of struggle. I feel I have an obligation to any young person to extend the greatest expression of empathy and understanding, while remaining steadfast, because I was ONCE that same young struggling and confused person. It is still difficult for many of us “grown up folks” to understand all the nuance and dignity of our faith when our culture stands in direct opposition to it. Many of us old timers forget what it is like to be young and out there in the world - battling not only the culture but our own insecurities, confusion and hormones!

 

[whatevergirl]

From the OP’s own post:

You, and others, are making many assumptions here. I take issue with that alone. Suggestions are fine but people seem to be basing their advice on perception rather than what the OP has actually stated.**
**
I agree. That is a great and HELPFUL suggestion.
From the OP:
Granted, there is no mention of Confession in her posts and it is worthwhile to remind her of the benefits of the Sacrament but I don’t think we should assume she has not availed herself of this grace.

And clearly, she does not need to be reminded she is sinning. She has stated repeatedly that she understands.

I’m glad you posted this …holy cow, I completely did not read, or maybe just read quickly…over that she has said no many times… I stand corrected. My advice can only be applied to people who are not ever saying no.

I need to read closer, I think, next time. Really, thanks for pointing this out. I was making an assumption, because I didn’t read it.

Ok…I’m sorry to you OP. Please forgive me, but know that you are in my prayers, and I still suggest to keep trying, and talk to a priest! ((hugs))

 

[whatevergirl]

Don’t sweat it.

Reading the OP, I am struck by how incredibly difficult it must be for young people to understand and accept what WE have all come to believe and accept after years of struggle. I feel I have an obligation to any young person to extend the greatest expression of empathy and understanding, while remaining steadfast, because I was ONCE that same young struggling and confused person. It is still difficult for many of us “grown up folks” to understand all the nuance and dignity of our faith when our culture stands in direct opposition to it. Many of us old timers forget what it is like to be young and out there in the world - battling not only the culture but our own insecurities, confusion and hormones!

And my dh and I struggled after marriage, with marital sexuality…so, the process of learning does not ever go away…and sometimes, there is a struggle there, still.

Keep running the race!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Don’t sweat it.

Reading the OP, I am struck by how incredibly difficult it must be for young people to understand and accept what WE have all come to believe and accept after years of struggle. I feel I have an obligation to any young person to extend the greatest expression of empathy and understanding, while remaining steadfast, because I was ONCE that same young struggling and confused person. It is still difficult for many of us “grown up folks” to understand all the nuance and dignity of our faith when our culture stands in direct opposition to it. Many of us old timers forget what it is like to be young and out there in the world - battling not only the culture but our own insecurities, confusion and hormones!

**Well, considering I am a convert, it has only been about 3 or 4 years since I was on the other side of the fence. But maybe I had it easy? When I found God and realized His great LOVE, it was almost too easy for me to give up my former sins. NOT that I don’t still fall, but the knowledge that I was actually offending God and throwing His Gifts back in His face made me feel so humiliated and sad that I can’t imagine continuing in a habitual sin without doing everything in my power to stop. If that meant breaking up with my boyfriend (hypothetical obviously) if he was making it difficult to follow the Truth, I would have done it.

So I guess I can let my passion get in the way of offering more gentle advice… (
**