Catholic marriage...STD?

[Nordar]

Guess you know better…

I was just thinking the exact same thing!

 

[Nordar]

**
Exactly. ALL of us are sinners. Even Mother Theresa. Or else she would not have needed Confession. So trying is the beginning of being a better person, it doesn’t make you a better person.

So, if someone is comitting a habitual sin (fornication, masturbation, yelling at their kids, stealing from their workplace…whatever) they cannot say that trying to stop makes everything ok. But having a desire to try to stop indicates that they have a conscience and hopefully a love for God. So by trying to get better they take ACTION to improve.

The OP volunteered tht she is having sex with her boyfriend. She also made no mention of wanting help to stop, just offered examples of others way she is practicing her faith. So, I think it is right that posters here point out that she is commiting a grave sin and try to offer advice to help. It is not OK to let her think that it is OK.
**

Sitting in total judgement of just how the OP is trying to correct things by saying it is not good enough , is not your place!

 

[jmcrae]

I wish it was as easy as saying “just stop doing it now.” I know what I should do. There are times that I am strong enough to say no and times that I am weak and give in.

This is a two-person battle. You will not win if he is depending on you to say “no” all the time, and leaving the burden entirely on your shoulders. He also has to start taking some responsibility here, too.

The first thing he has to do is stop putting you into situations where you have to say “no”. He has to come up with fun activities for you guys to do, where you are not all alone in a room by yourselves with nothing to do.

Going home to separate apartments at a decent hour of the evening would also help you both to win this battle. (And since separate apartments would require that you both get jobs, the fact that you have to get up in the morning in a functional state so as to put in a full day’s work for a full day’s wage would inspire you to get home at a decent time, too.)

God bless you!

 

[Nordar]

**
where are you getting that from? No one is judging the OP. We are offering her hope, and advice. Hope that things will get better, and advice that things NEED to get better…for her own peace of mind, not ours. lol That is what Catholic friends do for one another…we don’t judge, but we try to lead others to thinking differently about a very tough subject. We are not judging if she is sorry or not…

I’m sure she is. The hope in this, is that she is sorrowful, and only when we realize that we are living in sin, is there any hope of turning the corner, and changing.**

There certainly is judgement going on, I totally agree with Blesssedto.

The very fact the the OP had the courage to post on here and say that she is trying tells me that she is looking for answers.

Who is anyone on here to tell her that what she is doing is not good enough?. She is starting to realize that how she is living her life is not the right way or else she would not even be asking herself these questions.

I can only speak for myself, I have struggled in my life with sins that I needed to stop doing but again it took time changing them. By the Grace of God and yes the sacraments, but I had to trun my life over to God not an easy thin to do…
Sounds to me like th OP is on that road, she was looking for answers so hopefully with prayer she will eventually do the right thing. Telling her that what she is doing is not good enough, if that is not sitting in judgement of her then what is?

 

[He_Man]

He Man
You seem to think the purpose of the forum is limited to answers you deem as in line with Catholic teaching. Please read…

"CAF Statement of Purpose
The Catholic Answers Forums (CAF) exists to provide a community for Catholics and non-Catholics of all levels of interest in and/or commitment to the Catholic Church where they may gather on the Internet for discussion in a safe and charitable environment. We do not require that members agree with the Catholic Church in order to participate; only that they remain charitable in their postings.

We provide forums for discussion of various viewpoints within and outside of Christianity; some of the forums that reflect such wide points of view are Traditional Catholicism, Eastern Catholicism, and Non-Catholic Religions. While many who gather in these forums are faithful Catholics, CAF members (Catholic or otherwise) are free to discuss issues of interest to them, even though some of those issues are not entirely in line with the Church’s understanding of Christianity.

We feel that by allowing discussion of issues of concern for Catholics and non-Catholics, CAF is not endorsing those issues that are contrary to Church teachings but allowing members to discuss those issues amongst themselves".

Hey you can technically post whatever you want. My point is your opinion is irrelevant, and not at all helpful.

There is Catholic Theological Truth, and then there is the silly stuff you just made up. It is a waste of time to post it in these types of topics, when you are in fact, WRONG…

 

[whatevergirl]

There certainly is judgement going on, I totally agree with Blesssedto.

The very fact the the OP had the courage to post on here and say that she is trying tells me that she is looking for answers.

Who is anyone on here to tell her that what she is doing is not good enough?. She is starting to realize that how she is living her life is not the right way or else she would not even be asking herself these questions.

I can only speak for myself, I have struggled in my life with sins that I needed to stop doing but again it took time changing them. By the Grace of God and yes the sacraments, but I had to trun my life over to God not an easy thin to do…
Sounds to me like th OP is on that road, she was looking for answers so hopefully with prayer she will eventually do the right thing. Telling her that what she is doing is not good enough, if that is not sitting in judgement of her then what is?

I gave advice based on what I did not read:blush: …I skimmed quickly, and missed the part about her trying. I posted that a few posts up.

Sorry again, OP. I need to read slower next time. But my advice holds for everyone who is not trying–because it’s in the trying, that we strive to be more like Christ.

 

[whatevergirl]

This is a two-person battle. You will not win if he is depending on you to say “no” all the time, and leaving the burden entirely on your shoulders. He also has to start taking some responsibility here, too.

The first thing he has to do is stop putting you into situations where you have to say “no”. He has to come up with fun activities for you guys to do, where you are not all alone in a room by yourselves with nothing to do.

Going home to separate apartments at a decent hour of the evening would also help you both to win this battle. (And since separate apartments would require that you both get jobs, the fact that you have to get up in the morning in a functional state so as to put in a full day’s work for a full day’s wage would inspire you to get home at a decent time, too.)

God bless you!

great advice:thumbsup:

 

[Nordar]

I gave advice based on what I did not read:blush: …I skimmed quickly, and missed the part about her trying. I posted that a few posts up.

Sorry again, OP. I need to read slower next time. But my advice holds for everyone who is not trying–because it’s in the trying, that we strive to be more like Christ.

Gotcha, I didn’t read your other post before I posted so I am as guilty for posting before I read!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I gave advice based on what I did not read:blush: …I skimmed quickly, and missed the part about her trying. I posted that a few posts up.

Sorry again, OP. I need to read slower next time. But my advice holds for everyone who is not trying–because it’s in the trying, that we strive to be more like Christ.

**I don’t know how I missed that post either… sorry for thinking the OP was more concerned with herpes than with the sin of fornication.

Prayers for your struggles OP!
**

 

[whatevergirl]

LOL! We’re all skimmers, I guess.

I can only speak for myself, but I am guilty of doing this, even with newspaper articles. My husband will say…‘uh, did you READ the entire article, honey?’

Uh, I thought I did.

Anyways…I promise to get better at reading all the way through an initial thread…and original post before posting. Although, I don’t think I came across judging anyone.

 

[LB5]

Hello everyone, wow, there were a lot of posts today.

Just a little background for those wondering about how close my bf and I are, and if we understand grown up responsibilities…we are both grown up! We are both young professionals with awesome jobs that we work full time. We each put in a lot of overtime. I prefer not to say what we do to maintain privacy but I can say that we are in the public service sector and both have college degrees, me having a post graduate degree. We each have our own apartments though they are not far away from each other. We manage our own finances but sometimes pool our money to make bigger purchases together or attend more expensive events together. We do discuss money together. We both come from intact church-going Catholic families. We have similar views on family, want to have a family one day, but want to have time to enjoy being newlyweds for awhile at first too. We discuss all big decisions together–ranging from getting a new car to buying a house to possibly moving or changing jobs in the future. We have never had a knock-down, drag-out fight–we have always been able to talk things out and even when upset, not blow things out of proportion. We do not ever name-call or resort to being mean or spiteful just to make the other feel bad.

We do not have sex “daily” or even all the time. I would say maybe two or three times monthly. I know this is still a sin and still bad BUT I don’t want anyone to misunderstand and think I am some hormone-driven, sexual goddes. I am not! And he says no to me sometimes, I am not always the one saying no. Granted, our reasons for saying no are not always church related, but it’s just so you know. He is not an overbearing, sex-expecting, macho man. I do think it would be hard for him to understand giving up sex altogether until marriage but he would do it. He has given it up for weeks at a time when I suggested it. I know we are still sinners because we have not stopped altogether but I think that being able to take these breaks is a good sign and a step in the right direction.

I did, at first, feel like I was being judged. But after reading through all the posts I do feel a lot better and it helps to know I am in your prayers. I do need it. I pray for myself (but thank God as much as I ask him for help because although I mess up, I know I am blessed in a lot of ways too).

I am concerned with both issues–the STD as well as sex altogether. I guess the STD thing is a struggle for me because one we are married, condom use would basically be for health reasons, not child-thwarting reasons. I will accept it if God gives me kids. I know I am sinning now, and I do regret it and try to overcome it and often my bf and I do things outside of the house together and go home early (although I have to admit it is more so because we both have to get to work early in the morning). You can judge me and say trying isn’t good enough but I have been trying for a long time and have seen little changes turning into bigger changes although not perfection altogether. I accept that and know that I need God’s help. I am thankful for your prayers.

My bf knows the risks. With the type that I have the risks are actually much lower than the usual genital type (since I contracted it from mouth to genital, the strain of the virus is not in its typical “home site” and therefore not as prominent). Someone posted that he was very likely to get it and that’s really not true. Many things work in my favor–it’s harder for a female to pass it to a male than vice versa (the female has thinner skin down there, moist and prone to tearing sometimes). The strain is not in its home site. I very, very rarely get outbreaks and they are known to decrease the longer the virus is in your system and that has proven true for me. When I do have one it is EXTREMELY mild. I take medicine that suppresses the virus and also lessens the chance I will pass it on. I am actually proud to say I have done my homework on it instead of sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn’t exist. I really feel I was an adult about it as far as health treatment goes.

Thank you all for your prayers and advice even when harsh. I know there are always going to be people who judge others and I accept that thought it is hard to read and I can’t say I agree with those who judge me or make assumptions. God bless all of you for your help and caring.

 

[thenewmrssears]

I didn’t read all of the responses, so I apologize if I am just restating what has been said.

I am so grateful for your desire to come back to the Church. It is hard to make a lot of changes at once, and sometimes it can seem as though you have to drop it all at once! That is an overwhelming feeling! For a lot of people it is somehow tied to their sexual experiences.

Someone else recommended it, but I am going to as well. Please read The Good News about Sex and Marriage. It is a great book, and you will read and re-read it throughout your entire relationship. I bought a used copy on Barnes and Noble.com for $3.00 about two years ago, and I have probably flipped through it 50 times. I actually just re-read it cover to cover today on my plane rides to and from Dallas. It is a good reminder of what God expects out of a married Catholic couple.

As for the premarital sex, it needs to stop. You can stop it immediately. This is something you can control. YOU have the power to say “No. I cannot reveal myself to God this way.”

Done that? Good.

Next, buy yourself Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It is a book about FAM which is basically NFP. You just need to understand that when she says use condoms, you are required by the Church to abstain from sex completely if you are avoiding pregnancy. This book will change your outlook on your fertility forever. Not kidding. I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again. This may be the most important piece of literature [outside of the Bible] a woman will EVER read. It will teach you so much about your body you’ll be shocked! It is another book I’ve read a few times.

Read it? Perfect.

Lastly, make sure you are confessing your sins regularly in the sacrament of Reconciliation. God forgives us, but we must repent and pray. These changes aren’t going to be easy, and yes, you will need to abstain during outbreaks. You and your boyfriend will need prayer and God’s love.

If you break it down step by step it doesn’t seem so bad, does it? It looks more like a to do list rather than an ultimatum [it still is one].

Prayers for you and your boyfriend as you embark on your religious journey.

To the poster who said most Catholics want the contraceptives band lifted, I want to see some stats on that. I can’t name but a handful of Catholics who have a problem with it. When I say Catholics I mean not Cafeteria Catholics. Cafeteria Catholics are a whole different battle for another day.

 

[blessedtoo]

Hello everyone, wow, there were a lot of posts today.

Just a little background for those wondering about how close my bf and I are, and if we understand grown up responsibilities…we are both grown up! We are both young professionals with awesome jobs that we work full time. We each put in a lot of overtime. I prefer not to say what we do to maintain privacy but I can say that we are in the public service sector and both have college degrees, me having a post graduate degree. We each have our own apartments though they are not far away from each other. We manage our own finances but sometimes pool our money to make bigger purchases together or attend more expensive events together. We do discuss money together. We both come from intact church-going Catholic families. We have similar views on family, want to have a family one day, but want to have time to enjoy being newlyweds for awhile at first too. We discuss all big decisions together–ranging from getting a new car to buying a house to possibly moving or changing jobs in the future. We have never had a knock-down, drag-out fight–we have always been able to talk things out and even when upset, not blow things out of proportion. We do not ever name-call or resort to being mean or spiteful just to make the other feel bad.

We do not have sex “daily” or even all the time. I would say maybe two or three times monthly. I know this is still a sin and still bad BUT I don’t want anyone to misunderstand and think I am some hormone-driven, sexual goddes. I am not! And he says no to me sometimes, I am not always the one saying no. Granted, our reasons for saying no are not always church related, but it’s just so you know. He is not an overbearing, sex-expecting, macho man. I do think it would be hard for him to understand giving up sex altogether until marriage but he would do it. He has given it up for weeks at a time when I suggested it. I know we are still sinners because we have not stopped altogether but I think that being able to take these breaks is a good sign and a step in the right direction.

I did, at first, feel like I was being judged. But after reading through all the posts I do feel a lot better and it helps to know I am in your prayers. I do need it. I pray for myself (but thank God as much as I ask him for help because although I mess up, I know I am blessed in a lot of ways too).

I am concerned with both issues–the STD as well as sex altogether. I guess the STD thing is a struggle for me because one we are married, condom use would basically be for health reasons, not child-thwarting reasons. I will accept it if God gives me kids. I know I am sinning now, and I do regret it and try to overcome it and often my bf and I do things outside of the house together and go home early (although I have to admit it is more so because we both have to get to work early in the morning). You can judge me and say trying isn’t good enough but I have been trying for a long time and have seen little changes turning into bigger changes although not perfection altogether. I accept that and know that I need God’s help. I am thankful for your prayers.

My bf knows the risks. With the type that I have the risks are actually much lower than the usual genital type (since I contracted it from mouth to genital, the strain of the virus is not in its typical “home site” and therefore not as prominent). Someone posted that he was very likely to get it and that’s really not true. Many things work in my favor–it’s harder for a female to pass it to a male than vice versa (the female has thinner skin down there, moist and prone to tearing sometimes). The strain is not in its home site. I very, very rarely get outbreaks and they are known to decrease the longer the virus is in your system and that has proven true for me. When I do have one it is EXTREMELY mild. I take medicine that suppresses the virus and also lessens the chance I will pass it on. I am actually proud to say I have done my homework on it instead of sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn’t exist. I really feel I was an adult about it as far as health treatment goes.

Thank you all for your prayers and advice even when harsh. I know there are always going to be people who judge others and I accept that thought it is hard to read and I can’t say I agree with those who judge me or make assumptions. God bless all of you for your help and caring.

I think it’s great that the two of you do not live together. That is a good step in the right direction.

I would highly recommend, as others have, making use of the Confessional. This is not just a suggestion, but a mandate for all Catholics. Through this sacrament, we receive tremendous graces from God. It can only HELP you to be strong at those moments when you need superhuman strength to overcome these moral issues. Grace is what will help you reach the goal of chastity.

With regard to your health issues, it is really best to speak with a good priest. You might want to make an appointment even before you begin marriage prep. You are not likely to find a priest that will condone the use of condoms, for any reason. You and your future husband need to be fully informed about how marital relations can conform properly with your faith. Just as you properly informed yourself through research and investigation about your STD, so should you thoroughly understand what your Church teaches.

Finally, it all seems daunting but, with God’s help, anything is possible.

 

[blessedtoo]

Well, considering I am a convert, it has only been about 3 or 4 years since I was on the other side of the fence. But maybe I had it easy? When I found God and realized His great LOVE, it was almost too easy for me to give up my former sins. NOT that I don’t still fall, but the knowledge that I was actually offending God and throwing His Gifts back in His face made me feel so humiliated and sad that I can’t imagine continuing in a habitual sin without doing everything in my power to stop. If that meant breaking up with my boyfriend (hypothetical obviously) if he was making it difficult to follow the Truth, I would have done it.

So I guess I can let my passion get in the way of offering more gentle advice… (

That’s grace! I too was blessed with enormous graces to overcome this type of sin. But I did nothing to earn it. It was all gift. A generous God removed the struggle of sexual sin from me - although he left me baskets full of other struggles!

Others, clearly, remain stuck and do need God’s grace to help them get “unstuck”. I don’t know why you and I “got it” so easily while others stumble repeatedly, but I do know that God gives us each what we need if we stay open and honest and prayerful.

 

[noclevername]

I remember Jason Evert saying something once about a couple where the wife was a virgin and the guy was not, they had a child, and the child was found to have genital warts in her THROAT, and then they discovered it was because the guy who had been sleeping around before had aquired the disease and it was passive on him, but when they had the child the disease was transmitted during conception or during the development to not only the mother but the child.

He didn’t realize until he had taken the child to the doctor and he had to explain it to the doctor. Sad, scary, but true. See a doctor and a priest.

Don’t know where you heard or read that but this is impossible. Transmission of that disease does not work that way at all. Someone lied to you.

 

[Seatuck]

Don’t know where you heard or read that but this is impossible. Transmission of that disease does not work that way at all. Someone lied to you.

No the writer is correct. Part of the treatment plan for a woman with known vaginal warts or HPV is a planned C-section so the child will not be at risk of infection going through the vaginal canal.

Infants born to women with genital warts can develop laryngeal papillomatosis (warts in the throat). Although a relatively rare occurrence, it is a potentially life-threatening condition for the child, requiring frequent laser surgery to prevent obstruction of the airways.

hlunix.hl.state.ut.us/epi/newsletter/archives/01mar/March2001nl.htm

 

[turtle18]

It is understandable that you are struggling with sin and sometimes still fall prey to it. Everyone does.

I don’t think it is harsh to suggest that you adhere to the tenets of your faith and go to Confession. If you are truly repentant, you should want to tell God you are sorry. Even if you don’t think you can stop, your posts indicate that YOU know it is wrong–yet you are accusing OP as judgmental. You should make use of the sacrament because He helps you through the sacrament overcome your sins. You have already indicated that you believe He has helped you changed from your previous way of life. The grace you receive from the sacrament will help you.

If you don’t go to Confession, you should abstain from Communion at Mass. This is what the church teaches. No one is judging you by pointing out what the Church teaches.

 

[noclevername]

No the writer is correct. Part of the treatment plan for a woman with known vaginal warts or HPV is a planned C-section so the child will not be at risk of infection going through the vaginal canal.

hlunix.hl.state.ut.us/epi/newsletter/archives/01mar/March2001nl.htm

Sorry to get off topic here but the writer made it sound like the fetus/newborn obtained the genital warts at conception. That is not possible. The transmission you described is possible, very possible, and it happens all the time with more than just genital warts but the post I quoted said it happened at conception which it did not.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

LB5,

I was wondering if you were still reading this…it’s amazing how long these threads can get arguing over a word…but since you’re still reading, let me throw my 2 cents in: I would like to encourage you, along with the others, to make a renewed effort to stop the sexual activity with your fiance now, so that you can say that you made your relationship right with God before you got married. This is my own testemony, for explanation:

I have been married for 10 years. I have a good marriage, generally speaking. We are “good Catholics” who follow the Church’s teachings on sex and marriage…at least NOW we do. When we were dating and engaged we didn’t follow those teachings. We didn’t have intercourse, but we did everything but. I knew it was wrong. I had already had a personal conversion of sorts in which I committed to obeying the Church’s authority. I had turned away from my other sins and had turned toward Christ. But for some reason, I didn’t stop this particular serious sin.

One reason may have been that my then bf, while he knew it was wrong, didn’t realize it was AS wrong as it was. So it would’ve been up to me to initiate this change. Another reason was that I was afraid of how our relationship would change if we stopped the physical aspect of it, and probably afraid he might not agree. I also probably didn’t know how to have a romantic relationship without this “fooling around.” Even with all those excuses, I still don’t know why I didn’t just put an end to what I knew was a very serious sin like I should have.

But this I do know. 10 years after getting married, I still DEEPLY regret that we were disrespectful of our Church’s teachings, and were so disrespectful of ourselves and each other that we allowed ourselves to fall into Mortal Sin. I continue to struggle with the knowledge that our relationship was founded, at least in part, on a footing of bad decisions, selfishness, disrespect, and I will always wonder if our relationship would’ve survived had we done the right thing and had a chaste relationship (I hate having to wonder such a thing). Don’t get me wrong, there were many things right about our relationship, and in every other way I was a faithful Catholic, but that’s the thing with Mortal Sin - it kills the grace in your soul, completely separates you from God, and therefore overshadows all the other good things that would otherwise be bringing you closer to God. That’s why I have such deep regret. We’ve been forgiven these sins, through the sacrament of Confession, but my regret and sadness has not gone away.

Looking back, this is what I would’ve done differently:
If we had already started the “fooling around” and I needed to stop, I would’ve had to sit down with dh and explain to him how much I cared about him / loved him, and that this is one reason why I needed to have our relationship right with God. I would’ve had to be willing to break up if he wouldn’t agree to stopping the sinful stuff. I would’ve had to go to confession right away, and vowed to go back to confession if we ever slipped up again. We would’ve had to stop spending time in each other’s apartments, stop going away together for family visits or vacations. We would’ve had to be very careful about time in the car - basically anywhere where we had privacy would be a temptation to fall back into old habits. A couple who has never crossed that line may not need to be so restrictive, but a couple who is trying to stop behavior that has become habitual would need to be much more strict to resist falling again.

I know that you are honestly trying to live a good Catholic life. And I am in NO position to judge you, considering I entered my relationship with my dh at a time when I already “knew better,” and I still messed it up. But I hope that my personal hindsight can perhaps motivate you to try again, or maybe give a suggestion about a way you might have more success. Maybe starting tonight, instead of confessing that “we are having premarital sex” you can start confessing that "we WERE having premarital sex.

God Bless.

 

[Nordar]

ThyKingdomCome,
Thank you that was an excellent post:thumbsup:
LBS I hope you read her post and think about it very seriously, I know that you are trying, however I think that you are aware that you are commiting serious sin.
It is not that we are just telling you what is the right thing to do, the real truth is that your soul is in very grave danger if you continue to have PMS. If you were to really sit down and think about it and ask yourself "If having PMS is so important that it is worth your separation from God and the danger to your soul