Catholic married men

[anp1215]

We’re on the same page. I’m a man and I don’t.

I think my sticking point is that I just can’t stress enough that spouses or serious boyfriends/girlfriends should be proactive about it.

I’ve heard many young women say “My guy would never do that”, “I don’t need to ask.” Et cetera.

I hate to say it but I don’t think one can always assume. Many good, even devout Catholic men have fallen to it in the past.

Of course. Personally however, I’m not just assuming. We have talked about how pornography is harmful and has no place in a marriage (or anywhere for that matter). We are completely on the same page with that.

 

[King_Lazy]

Porn and masturbation tend to go together, and most secular men don’t see anything wrong with either. Not all guys do it with frequency, but those that do just see it as something easy, pleasant and fun - looking at pretty ladies and such. They don’t see any harm in it or why anyone would find it offensive because of how entirely devoid of meaning the whole thing is to them. To them, it’s just looking at pointless images as a short-cut method of eliciting arousal for the purpose of deriving physical pleasure. The idea is simple - arousal is necessary for pleasure, and pornography is the easiest way to achieve it.

So it’s A leads to B leads to C and the whole process is pretty much as mindless as smoking a cigarette. Once C is achieved, A and B are forgotten, and since it’s all very easy to do and pleasure is guaranteed, it often becomes a habit like smoking, wherein having a cigarette also guarantees pleasure, especially during nicotine withdrawal. And much like with smoking, the goal is ultimately a dopamine release in the brain and the harm caused is fairly subtle and imperceptible. Where smoking may eventually lead to physical death, pornography and masturbation lead to spiritual death.

So I wouldn’t be surprised if some married Catholic men might struggle with it. In today’s world, it’s like a former smoker being surrounded with cigarettes, and not even having to go to the shop to buy them. He can light one up at any moment and get a pleasant nicotine buzz, and there are no (short term) negative consequences in doing so. All that said, it’s not too hard for a guy not to commit these sins, but my point is that it’s extremely easy to do so, and given the lack of short term consequences, it’s hard to rationalise not doing so when faced with temptation.

 

[1inICXC]

I did a poll like this not too long ago, i’ll look it up and send you the link. I remember The results were better than I had anticipated…

Found it: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=596439

But I didn’t have a “never watched porn” option…it didn’t cross my mind that was possible, so perhaps you can redo the poll more accurately.

 

[moon1234]

I can tell you that Porn is a constant battle for MANY married men, Catholic or otherwise. I know there are the exceptions, but they are the exceptions. I think the biggest struggle for men is that we want to have sex with our brides and many times we are turned down (too tired, not now, i took care of the kids all day, etc.).

I know for me personally if I ask my wife to have sex and she turns me down (for the above reasons) I am VERY tempted to turn to porn and masturbation when she falls asleep, leaves the room, etc.

That is the thing with Porn. It is always there, it never turns you down and it provides pleasure. I know it is wrong to think this way, but I ALWAYS ask my wife first and many times she turns me down. I have discussed this with her before and told her I sometimes fail and use porn and masturbation. She seems indifferent. I know she does not make any effort to be with me more.

So I try hard to avoid this sin, but unless you are man with a very strong sex drive (I am 34) it is hard for any woman to understand. I know MOST of my male friends, Catholic and non-catholic, have zero issues with porn or masturbation. They figure that it is better than going out and having an affair.

I am usually good for a week to two weeks without sex. After that it is really tempting to fall into sin. What am I supposed to do when my wife wants nothing to do with me or when we do have sex it does not seem like she wants to have sex with me. It is more like and obligation that she puts up with.

A wife demanding a man stop with porn yet saying no (or making up excuses) to not have sex with her husband causes him to have a near occasion of sin.

I think what most women fail to recognize is that MOST men guage how much they are loved by how willing and into sex their spouse is. I know this is not true for ALL men, but for most of the men I know that will talk about it, sex is the guage for how much they are loved. When the amount of sex at home falls off or a wife is unwilling to be creative within limits then some men are tempted to turn to porn.

Ladies, when was the last time you made you made yourself seductive for your husband or even just walked out in the buff and asked him to come make you happy? It has been YEARS for me (I have been married for 13 years). I can tell you with 100% certainty that these types of actions by my wife remove all want to look at porn. It is those times when she seems totally disinterested that my mind strays.

Telling a man he is too horny, a hyped up teenager or a dog is actually a put down. At least for me it is a rejection of my wish to be with my wife. It just makes me want to look elsewhere, when I know that is wrong.

 

[1inICXC]

When a woman starts refusing sex, it’s for a reason.

If a woman feels even the slightes bit objectified during the act : i.e feels the man is in it all for him and his pleasure, she certainly becomes disgusted and feels used so she shuts down. Women do not have crazy, raging hormones that make them crave sex regardless of the circumstance. Women need to feel turned on, and they are turned on when they’re treated as queens.

 

[King_Lazy]

When a woman starts refusing sex, it’s for a reason.

If a woman feels even the slightes bit objectified during the act : i.e feels the man is in it all for him and his pleasure, she certainly becomes disgusted and feels used so she shuts down. Women do not have crazy, raging hormones that make them crave sex regardless of the circumstance. Women need to feel turned on, and they are turned on when they’re treated as queens.

I don’t know, a lot of women are actually royally turned off by sappy unassertive guys putting them on a pedestal. And guys don’t have crazy, raging hormones that make them crave sex regardless of the circumstance; and nor do those who seek intimacy at the same time want to objectify women. That’s insulting. They’re not mind readers, however, and when she doesn’t verbalise a good reason or says she’s tired and yet instead of sleeping continues to watch TV, it is a painful rejection that says, “She doesn’t find me attractive, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t appreciate me, she considers TV more important than me.” Quite often, the guy will become less assertive in the future, which often is even more of a turn off for his wife, and the cycle self-perpetuates.

It wouldn’t surprise me if some guys might turn to porn. “Who cares? She doesn’t.” Rejection hurts and the mindless diversion of pornography masks the pain and seems rationally justifiable, since it both soothes the pain of rejection and it seems better than wrecking the family in search for a woman who does find him attractive, who loves him, who appreciates him and who doesn’t consider TV to be more important. Of course, with time, the subtle damage of pornography to the guy’s mind may in some cases result in him not finding his wife attractive anymore, since she’s not as young and pretty as what he becomes accustomed to.

Unlike with women, for men, arousal is a necessary precondition for sex. It physically cannot happen otherwise, and so nature has given men a fairly low threshold for arousal. If men did not have this fairly low threshold, the vast majority of women would never be able to have sex, because it is dependent on the man’s arousal; if arousal were difficult to attain, sex and reproduction would in many cases become impossible, because most women aren’t that good looking. And so pornography can be like throwing a spanner in the works and can heighten the threshold of arousal to an unnatural level. And if a guy cannot get aroused by his wife, nothing can be done, and sex becomes physically impossible.

 

[King_Lazy]

My point is that it is easy to trigger arousal in men. It doesn’t mean that guys think about sex all the time or have “crazy, raging hormones that make them crave sex regardless of the circumstance.”

What it does mean is that this faculty can be easily triggered by something like pornography, and it can easily be abused by men for cheap pleasure. The faculty in itself is not something to be disgusted by and it makes perfect natural sense because without it, most women would be royally screwed, since guys would not be “turned on” and would be physically incapable of having sex with most of them, especially after pregnancy, putting on a few pounds or what have you.

There are many men with a naturally higher threshold for arousal who are not at all tolerant of these imperfections and become indifferent sexually to women like this, so that nature should have broadly endowed men with a lower threshold and a greater tolerance is actually a positive thing for those women who do desire intimacy but who through no fault of their own would otherwise be unattractive.

 

[Dave_B]

Some great posts on this thread

 

[domandcarols]

 

[anp1215]

When a woman starts refusing sex, it’s for a reason.

If a woman feels even the slightes bit objectified during the act : i.e feels the man is in it all for him and his pleasure, she certainly becomes disgusted and feels used so she shuts down. Women do not have crazy, raging hormones that make them crave sex regardless of the circumstance. Women need to feel turned on, and they are turned on when they’re treated as queens.

Or they’re tired.

 

[Joshua_Shorter]

I think the other problem some of the women here seem to be having a problem with is assuming that every guy who looks at porn and/or masturbates doesn’t have any problem with it or justifies it in his mind. That is just as innaccurate as saying all men look at porn. I would suggest there are quite a few men, married and single, who look at porn, watch innappropriate things on TV, masturbate, etc. and feel terrible about it. They hate it before they start, they hate it during and they hate it afterwards. Some don’t even get any pleasure from it because the feelings of hatred and bondage are so intense.

Is this the case with all men? Absolutely not! Is it the case with some? Absolutely yes!

It is a struggle and women cannot possible understand the sexual desires of a man. On the other side of that token, men do not understand the sexual desires and needs of women.

 

[GeorgeLopez]

I’ve watched porn with my wife. We havent done so in a while. But done so. Is that still sinful??

 

[anp1215]

I’ve watched porn with my wife. We havent done so in a while. But done so. Is that still sinful??

Yes.

 

[Allegra]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

In this day and age, before you get married, ask your boyfriend/girlfriend about this.

Specifically, ask them:

-Have you ever?
-Do you now?
-Why did you?
-Were you addicted?
-When was the last time you did?

Get the whole picture. Don’t assume anything.

Best advice ever! Tell every single woman you know!

 

[Allegra]

Neither does my Fiance. What would irritate me the most was seeing and talking to women who would try to argue that Porn is a “solution” to cheating. That they’d rather see their husbands/Fiances/Boyfriends watch porn then cheat.

This mindset cheapens your relationship and it actually disrespects men as a whole. That men don’t have control over their sexual urges and if they can’t be satisfied they will automatically look elsewhere…and if they are going to look elsewhere…porn is “okay” but it’s not.

Looking at porn IS cheating, in my opinion.

 

[GeorgeLopez]

Wowsers…

 

[anp1215]

Wowsers…

If you didn’t know it was a sin, then it wasn’t a mortal sin for you. But now that you know you should not do it again.

 

[cmscms]

Neither does my Fiance. What would irritate me the most was seeing and talking to women who would try to argue that Porn is a “solution” to cheating. That they’d rather see their husbands/Fiances/Boyfriends watch porn then cheat.

This mindset cheapens your relationship and it actually disrespects men as a whole. That men don’t have control over their sexual urges and if they can’t be satisfied they will automatically look elsewhere…and if they are going to look elsewhere…porn is “okay” but it’s not.

 

[cmscms]

Unlike with women, for men, arousal is a necessary precondition for sex. It physically cannot happen otherwise, and so nature has given men a fairly low threshold for arousal. If men did not have this fairly low threshold, the vast majority of women would never be able to have sex, because it is dependent on the man’s arousal; if arousal were difficult to attain, sex and reproduction would in many cases become impossible, because most women aren’t that good looking. And so pornography can be like throwing a spanner in the works and can heighten the threshold of arousal to an unnatural level. And if a guy cannot get aroused by his wife, nothing can be done, and sex becomes physically impossible.

Unless I hear other men say how ridiculous this statement is, especially the one I bolded, I will count my lucky stars I have never been married

CM

 

[cmscms]

The faculty in itself is not something to be disgusted by and it makes perfect natural sense because without it, most women would be royally screwed, since guys would not be “turned on” and would be physically incapable of having sex with most of them, especially after pregnancy, putting on a few pounds or what have you.

That is such a cruel statement.