Catholic married to a Hindu.. What would God want now?

[rickyrixon84]

Hello everyone,

I am in a rather sad predicament and need some guidance/information.

I am a baptized catholic who married a non baptized Hindu woman in secret civil ceremony two and a half years ago.

Unfortunately, we have been having some seemingly insurmountable problems, mainly due to significant cultural differences and expectations. She has also been extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me over a long period of time, and has even been physically abusive on a few occasions. All of this has in essence ‘killed’ the love from my side and made me feel the marriage is irreparable.

We have tried marriage counseling with two different therapists, as well as implementing a number of other strategies, however, nothing seems to be able to undo the hurt and solve our issues. I really feel the only solution is for us to separate and start over.

I have been previously advised that the Catholic Church would not recognise my marriage as valid, and would therefore, not be opposed to me instigating a civil divorce, however, other people have told me that I am not free to leave unless my wife committed adultery… Its all very confusing.

I just have a couple more questions and would be very grateful if someone could answer them for me.

1. I realise I made a big mistake in marrying this woman, however, I want to know for sure what would God want me to do in this situation? I want to make God happy. Would God be totally fine with me getting a civil divorce and then remarrying another woman in the future (after a decree of nullity was granted by the catholic church ofcourse)? Or would he prefer me to stay with my current wife no matter what?
2. I have been doing quite of bit of reading about being married to a non believer. From what I can gather Paul taught that the believer was not to leave his/her (unbelieving) spouse (1 Corinthians 7:10; cf. vss. 12,13). I a bit confused with this… Does he mean we should stay in an invalid marriage unless the unbeliever leaves us? Have I committed a sin marrying this woman? Am I committing a sin staying with her?

Please let me know your thoughts

Kind regards,

Ricky

 

[1ke]

Go talk to your pastor.

You need help from a reliable source, not from people who really don’t know what they are talking about. I’m not sure who have have been talking to, but adultery is not the “only” grounds for divorcing. And Paul’s writings should not be taken out of context. He was talking of those who were already married and converted to the faith remaining married to their (valid) spouse if the spouse will live in peace.

Neither God nor the Church want you to stay with an abusive spouse.

The marriage you are in is not a valid marriage, therefore no marriage at all. Indeed marrying outside the Church without a dispensation is a serious matter. But nothing that cannot be overcome. And, if all is as you relay here you should have no problem with freedom to marry in the future.

Again, go talk to your pastor. There are many serious red flags in your story including a “secret” marriage, the abuse, the fact that you married outside the Church, that you have serious cultural and religious differences.

 

[Lea101]

My mom was a Hindu but she was always very respectful and she eventually converted after learning about the church. She was always very quiet in nature. I’m sorry your wife is the opposite

If it’s an invalid marriage, you can leave. Mixed marriage doesn’t mean that the marriage is invalid when the proper steps were taken. God won’t want to you be in an invalid and abusive marriage!

 

[Augustine]

1. I realise I made a big mistake in marrying this woman, however, I want to know for sure what would God want me to do in this situation? I want to make God happy. Would God be totally fine with me getting a civil divorce and then remarrying another woman in the future (after a decree of nullity was granted by the catholic church ofcourse)? Or would he prefer me to stay with my current wife no matter what?

If you want to know what God wants you to do in this situation, you came to the wrong place, for I am not God.

1. I have been doing quite of bit of reading about being married to a non believer. From what I can gather Paul taught that the believer was not to leave his/her (unbelieving) spouse (1 Corinthians 7:10; cf. vss. 12,13). I a bit confused with this… Does he mean we should stay in an invalid marriage unless the unbeliever leaves us? Have I committed a sin marrying this woman? Am I committing a sin staying with her?

You have to talk to your pastor. Cursorily, I see no signs of a marriage bond. As a matter of fact, since you seem surprised at her personality, as you apparently didn’t know her well enough, did you marry in haste? As an someone pontificating in a comment box in the internet, it seems that you did not use your best judgment, weakening your promises, even though before a justice of the peace.

You may have grounds for an annulment, but this must not have any bearing on your decision to persist in your union or divorce her. The latter is what you must discern about; the former, only after a divorce, if any.

 

[Augustine]

The marriage you are in is not a valid marriage, therefore no marriage at all.

Please, explain to me so that I understand it better. Isn’t this at least a natural marriage, even if not sacramental?

 

[1ke]

Please, explain to me so that I understand it better. Isn’t this at least a natural marriage, even if not sacramental?

No.

A catholic must obtain a dispensation from disparity of cult and dispensation from form to marry an unbaptized person in a civil ceremony. Without both dispensations this marriage is invalid. I may be making an assumption, but the OP described a “secret civil ceremony” which to me says “I did not go through the Church to be married”. That is why is said see the pastor, though, because all the facts must be looked at.

If it were a valid marriage, yes it would be a natural marriage rather than a sacrament due to her baptismal status.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hello everyone,

I am in a rather sad predicament and need some guidance/information.

I am a baptized catholic who married a non baptized Hindu woman in secret civil ceremony two and a half years ago.

Unfortunately, we have been having some seemingly insurmountable problems, mainly due to significant cultural differences and expectations. She has also been extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me over a long period of time, and has even been physically abusive on a few occasions. All of this has in essence ‘killed’ the love from my side and made me feel the marriage is irreparable.

We have tried marriage counseling with two different therapists, as well as implementing a number of other strategies, however, nothing seems to be able to undo the hurt and solve our issues. I really feel the only solution is for us to separate and start over.

I have been previously advised that the Catholic Church would not recognise my marriage as valid, and would therefore, not be opposed to me instigating a civil divorce, however, other people have told me that I am not free to leave unless my wife committed adultery… Its all very confusing.

I just have a couple more questions and would be very grateful if someone could answer them for me.

1. I realise I made a big mistake in marrying this woman, however, I want to know for sure what would God want me to do in this situation? I want to make God happy. Would God be totally fine with me getting a civil divorce and then remarrying another woman in the future (after a decree of nullity was granted by the catholic church ofcourse)? Or would he prefer me to stay with my current wife no matter what?
2. I have been doing quite of bit of reading about being married to a non believer. From what I can gather Paul taught that the believer was not to leave his/her (unbelieving) spouse (1 Corinthians 7:10; cf. vss. 12,13). I a bit confused with this… Does he mean we should stay in an invalid marriage unless the unbeliever leaves us? Have I committed a sin marrying this woman? Am I committing a sin staying with her?

Please let me know your thoughts

Kind regards,

Ricky

1 talk to your pastor.
2. No matter the outcome you might want to think about some counseling.

 

[masuwerte]

I suspect God would want you to keep your promises and do right by your (civil) wife, and not to feel that that you can walk away with impunity. Try to heal things, then if your ecclesial community recommends it you can pursue convalidation. I would advise you to consider divorce only as a last resort, and if you choose to divorce your wife, take some time before you get involved with another woman. You would need to mourn the death of your marriage, just as you would mourn the death of a loved one, and to consider what went wrong. JMHO.

 

[rickyrixon84]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Just to clarify my situation a little further, we do not have any children and we live Sydney, Australia. We actually met while I was working in the UK and whilst she was studying. We got married in secret as she told me that her parents would disown her if she married me (they are in India) and that they would have to at least meet me first (which wasn’t possible at the time). I had to head back to Australia and made the decision at 29 to marry her out of fear of losing her because of the distance and time which we would be apart. We had only known eachother about 6 months at the time, and as we lived in different cities we only actually met up about 10 times… I know it sounds crazy but I truly loved her, and after losing someone I loved in my mid 20s already, I wasn’t prepared to let it happen again.

We were apart for a year while her visa was being processed which was extremely difficult, but have now been living together for twelve months in Australia. For most of that time and for the entire year apart things have been very very difficult. Because of the dire situation between us, I have recently returned (temporarily) to my father’s house in Melbourne just to have a break from it all… We both thought it was a good idea. My father has seen my suffering for a very long time and has been telling me I should end it and that my wife is impossible to live with (we were both living at his home initially and they had a very strained relationship).

We have been apart for just over a week but still communicating. She has told me she feels much more relaxed without me being there and that she has been suffering severe depression because of me (she has been seeing a psychiatrist). You have to just take my word for it but I am not a bad guy and do not treat her badly. There are just major differences between us which I did not see (and did not want to see) a couple of years ago which make us seemingly incompatible. I’m planning to head back in a week or so but haven’t decided for sure as yet.

I know that this whole thing was big mistake, and just want to get out while I am still sane and eventually meet a christian woman with whom I am compatible. If I am honest the main reason that is keeping me from leaving her is the fear of ending up in hell… Maybe I am being a bit melodramatic but that’s my greatest fear. I am going to go and speak to my pastor as advised.

 

[1ke]

I know that this whole thing was big mistake, and just want to get out while I am still sane and eventually meet a christian woman with whom I am compatible. If I am honest the main reason that is keeping me from leaving her is the fear of ending up in hell… Maybe I am being a bit melodramatic but that’s my greatest fear. I am going to go and speak to my pastor as advised.

This is not a valid marriage. Continuing in an invalid marriage is actually grave matter. Departing from an invalid marriage if you cannot convalidate it is the right thing to do. Given all you have said here, I find it difficult to believe you can convalidate it.

Yes, definitely talk to your pastor. But do not labor under the assumption that you must stay with her, because that is simply not true. The marriage isn’t valid. The Church actually calls for separating in such circumstances if you cannot convalidate.

Given the abuse and the major cultural and religious differences, convalidation is not a good idea.

 

[rickyrixon84]

This is not a valid marriage. Continuing in an invalid marriage is actually grave matter. Departing from an invalid marriage if you cannot convalidate it is the right thing to do. Given all you have said here, I find it difficult to believe you can convalidate it.

Yes, definitely talk to your pastor. But do not labor under the assumption that you must stay with her, because that is simply not true. The marriage isn’t valid. The Church actually calls for separating in such circumstances if you cannot convalidate.

Given the abuse and the major cultural and religious differences, convalidation is not a good idea.

Thank you so much. What has lead to my mass stress and confusion were the responses I got when I initially posted this issue in a general Christian forum… Most people told me very conflicting information to what you have… Although most were non Catholic…Please have a look christianforums.com/threads/catholic-married-to-a-hindu-what-would-god-want-now.7950482/

 

[1ke]

Most people told me very conflicting information to what you have…

That is because these people don’t know what they are talking about.

I suggest you not post there in the future. Talk to your pastor.

In reading that other thread, I see you did talk to your priest and he did tell you this marriage is invalid and that the Church does not prohibit divorce in the situation you have described.

That should be enough information for you. Listen to your pastor.

Although most were non Catholic…Please have a look christianforums.com/threads/catholic-married-to-a-hindu-what-would-god-want-now.7950482/

I am not sure what you want us to tell you. Your pastor and those of us here have told you this is not a valid marriage and that you do not have to stay in an abusive situation.

 

[jeanrand]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Just to clarify my situation a little further, we do not have any children and we live Sydney, Australia. We actually met while I was working in the UK and whilst she was studying. We got married in secret as she told me that her parents would disown her if she married me (they are in India) and that they would have to at least meet me first (which wasn’t possible at the time). I had to head back to Australia and made the decision at 29 to marry her out of fear of losing her because of the distance and time which we would be apart. We had only known eachother about 6 months at the time, and as we lived in different cities we only actually met up about 10 times… I know it sounds crazy but I truly loved her, and after losing someone I loved in my mid 20s already, I wasn’t prepared to let it happen again.

We were apart for a year while her visa was being processed which was extremely difficult, but have now been living together for twelve months in Australia. For most of that time and for the entire year apart things have been very very difficult. Because of the dire situation between us, I have recently returned (temporarily) to my father’s house in Melbourne just to have a break from it all… We both thought it was a good idea. My father has seen my suffering for a very long time and has been telling me I should end it and that my wife is impossible to live with (we were both living at his home initially and they had a very strained relationship).

We have been apart for just over a week but still communicating. She has told me she feels much more relaxed without me being there and that she has been suffering severe depression because of me (she has been seeing a psychiatrist). You have to just take my word for it but I am not a bad guy and do not treat her badly. There are just major differences between us which I did not see (and did not want to see) a couple of years ago which make us seemingly incompatible. I’m planning to head back in a week or so but haven’t decided for sure as yet.

I know that this whole thing was big mistake, and just want to get out while I am still sane and eventually meet a christian woman with whom I am compatible. If I am honest the main reason that is keeping me from leaving her is the fear of ending up in hell… Maybe I am being a bit melodramatic but that’s my greatest fear. I am going to go and speak to my pastor as advised.

Wow. Quite a story! You have travelled and had some experiences many lack. That being said, it has also caused you this pain. Clearly, your marriage is invalid in the Church as you never got married before a priest - let alone even talking to one or doing pre-marital counseling, encounters, etc. Therefore, any conjugal relations you have with her are a sin as you are not sacramentally married. However, you made a commitment to her.

My recommendation? Get a civil divorce - the only kind you need. I see people saying anullment, but as you were never married in the Church, you aren’t eligible for an anullment! If a civil one is available in Australia, please do it.

Then please, please pray, listen to your father and priest, and meet a Catholic woman in time.

I do wish you the best and will pray for you

Jean

 

[naomanos6]

While not in the same situation as you, I wanted to reply to your thread.

As someone who will be going through divorce on Wednesday, I was informed by several here on Catholic Answers and by my priest that I should proceed after the divorce with something called “lack of form.” Essentially, it is for those that do not have a valid marriage according to the Catholic Church. In my instance, my soon-to-be ex-wife and I are both baptized Catholic, but were not married in the Catholic Church by a priest, nor did we receive dispensation.

As for christian forums. I would have just asked within the Catholic area of the forums. When asking in the “advice” section you are getting advice from all denominations and not many of them understand that the Catholic Church doesn’t see your marriage as valid. It doesn’t even cross their radar as their denomination may adhere strictly to “for adultery only” and they would reply to your post accordingly.

Someone can correct me if I am wrong regarding lack of form.

 

[rickyrixon84]

That is because these people don’t know what they are talking about.

I suggest you not post there in the future. Talk to your pastor.

In reading that other thread, I see you did talk to your priest and he did tell you this marriage is invalid and that the Church does not prohibit divorce in the situation you have described.

That should be enough information for you. Listen to your pastor.

I am not sure what you want us to tell you. Your pastor and those of us here have told you this is not a valid marriage and that you do not have to stay in an abusive situation.

Thank you agian for all your advice. Yes I spoke to my local pastor on the phone very briefly a couple of months ago. I wanted to meet him in person to discuss at length, but he was quite short with me and did not want to meet me face to face. This could be because I have not attended mass for a few months (since I moved to Sydney) and had never met him before. Anyhow, I did not feel totally reassured from this phone call and have arranged to meet another pastor face to face next week when I return to Sydney. I am well aware that I am not bound to my wife anymore, but it is still important for me to sit down with someone who will listen, give me time and guide me.

Wow. Quite a story! You have travelled and had some experiences many lack. That being said, it has also caused you this pain. Clearly, your marriage is invalid in the Church as you never got married before a priest - let alone even talking to one or doing pre-marital counseling, encounters, etc. Therefore, any conjugal relations you have with her are a sin as you are not sacramentally married. However, you made a commitment to her.

My recommendation? Get a civil divorce - the only kind you need. I see people saying anullment, but as you were never married in the Church, you aren’t eligible for an anullment! If a civil one is available in Australia, please do it.

Then please, please pray, listen to your father and priest, and meet a Catholic woman in time.

I do wish you the best and will pray for you

Jean

Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate them. Would I still need to get a decree of nullity from the Catholic Church to start dating again in the future, even if it is very clear the marriage is not valid? If so could i get that before my civil divorce has begun/been finalised as I know the process takes around a year in Australia.

While not in the same situation as you, I wanted to reply to your thread.

As someone who will be going through divorce on Wednesday, I was informed by several here on Catholic Answers and by my priest that I should proceed after the divorce with something called “lack of form.” Essentially, it is for those that do not have a valid marriage according to the Catholic Church. In my instance, my soon-to-be ex-wife and I are both baptized Catholic, but were not married in the Catholic Church by a priest, nor did we receive dispensation.

As for christian forums. I would have just asked within the Catholic area of the forums. When asking in the “advice” section you are getting advice from all denominations and not many of them understand that the Catholic Church doesn’t see your marriage as valid. It doesn’t even cross their radar as their denomination may adhere strictly to “for adultery only” and they would reply to your post accordingly.

Someone can correct me if I am wrong regarding lack of form.

Thank you for your reply and I’m very sorry to hear your marriage didn’t work out either. I have done some reading on ‘lack of form’, and it appears to be very clear that this would apply to me too. Do you have to wait for your civil divorce to be finalised before you proceed with this? Can you have your marriage declared null by the church before beginning/finishing the process of a civil divorce?

 

[His_helpmeet]

Thank you agian for all your advice. Yes I spoke to my local pastor on the phone very briefly a couple of months ago. I wanted to meet him in person to discuss at length, but he was quite short with me and did not want to meet me face to face. This could be because I have not attended mass for a few months (since I moved to Sydney) and had never met him before. Anyhow, I did not feel totally reassured from this phone call and have arranged to meet another pastor face to face next week when I return to Sydney. I am well aware that I am not bound to my wife anymore, but it is still important for me to sit down with someone who will listen, give me time and guide me.

Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate them. Would I still need to get a decree of nullity from the Catholic Church to start dating again in the future, even if it is very clear the marriage is not valid? If so could i get that before my civil divorce has begun/been finalised as I know the process takes around a year in Australia.

Thank you for your reply and I’m very sorry to hear your marriage didn’t work out either. I have done some reading on ‘lack of form’, and it appears to be very clear that this would apply to me too. Do you have to wait for your civil divorce to be finalised before you proceed with this? Can you have your marriage declared null by the church before beginning/finishing the process of a civil divorce?

You would indeed need to have a decree of nullity before you could start looking to marry again. In many areas it is a requirement that you have a divorce decree absolute in hand before they will begin the nullity process - this is to demonstrate that reconciliation is not possible. My understanding (admittedly somewhat limited; my husband has been through the formal nullity process) is that a lack of form case is very straightforward and should not take too long.

 

[1ke]

Would I still need to get a decree of nullity from the Catholic Church to start dating again in the future, even if it is very clear the marriage is not valid?

No, there is no presumption of validity, therefore no decree of nullity.

What you will probably need to do is supply some paperwork to the diocese for a declaration of freedom to marry. I’m not familiar with the procedures in the dioceses of Australia but the pastor you meet with in a few weeks will be.

If so could i get that before my civil divorce has begun/been finalised as I know the process takes around a year in Australia.

If the process is the same there as in the U.S., you supply your sacramental records, your marriage certificate, and your divorce decree.

Can you have your marriage declared null by the church before beginning/finishing the process of a civil divorce?

It’s already null, there is nothing to declare. Lack of form marriages have no presumption of validity under Church law.

 

[kdbueno]

There is no issue within inter-sacramental development. As long as you agree to on the degree of terms regarding the one true God, you can learn to grow your children to a beautiful catholic church.