Catholic mom abandoned family - mental illness

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

I am a father to four young children whose mother left us five years ago. How can I best raise these children in the Catholic faith; should I look for opportunities to marry again to allow for a woman’s influence on their lives?

Some history: We had a wonderful life and marriage after meeting in our early teens and marrying in our mid 20’s, both as virgins as we believe(d) deeply in our faith. Ten years later, in 2012, my stay-at-home wife decided to devote her life to solitude and reading the Bible. She wanted to give away all of her worldly possessions and return our children back to Jesus, so I had to seek custody of our children for their safety. Her father, in response to donations of $100K+ to churches and organizations all around the world, successfully petitioned to become her legal guardian. We subsequently divorced civilly and she moved 600 miles away and has not contacted the children in 4 years.

I spoke with our church who felt that a decree of nullity is a slam dunk due to her mental illness (though I see it as a formality, and frankly disagree that this condition was present in he dozen years leading up to our marriage). I don’t wish to pursue a decree of nullity unless it can be completed without contacting her, as I fear the potential impact to our children’s safety and well-being.

Despite many care-packages and presents sent to her over the years, we receive no response. Her family and I are at a loss of how to help her, and our laws prevent involuntary commitment unless a person is an ‘imminent risk to themselves or others’.

My question is whether I have a responsibility to be open to and seek out partnership with a woman to help influence and shape my childrens’ lives as they complete elementary school and, subsequently, puberty/social issues/homework/etc. I don’t feel called to have any more children of my own, but would be very open to another’s children.

I feel like a widower, but without the closure that would come with that. I will always love their mother, but she won’t speak to me (or anyone including her siblings and parents), except to express wishes of avoiding medication and psychotherapy, and occasional references to religion, etc. she hasn’t left the house she lives in in years, but showers daily and eats the food her family provides. The past few visits I’ve made to see her have been met with limited to no dialog. And, of course, I would also enjoy lifelong companionship.

Thoughts?

 

[1ke]

My question is whether I have a responsibility to be open to and seek out partnership with a woman to help influence and shape my childrens’ lives as they complete elementary school and, subsequently, puberty/social issues/homework/etc. I don’t feel called to have any more children of my own, but would be very open to another’s children.

No, you don’t have a responsibility to seek out a female partnership. And in fact you cannot seek out a new marriage as you are not free to marry.

Thoughts?

Be a great dad, find good female spiritual role models for the children through church and your family. Good female role models are important, but you can raise your children on your own.

Unless you are declared free to marry in the church, don’t start pursuing romantic relationships.

 

[Gwendolen]

You should not seek out a partner unless your marriage is annulled. No decree of nullity is “just a formality”, and it takes a very long time.

I do commend you for continue to attempt to care for your partner who has behaved in such a manner. I am really sorry your marriage did not work out. It sounds like you are a wonderful husband.

As far as female companionship, I would look to mature females in your own extended family before I go looking for “friends”. Think of grandmas, aunties, etc. Both my children have godparents, one of the reasons (aside from obvious godparent religious responsibility) should something happen to my husband or I, that role of close mentorship could be filled by a stable person of the gender of the deceased spouse who has already long been a part of our children’s lives. I have an Anglican faith background, so I realize Catholic godparents are different, but that is still an avenue to consider. The point is building on existing female relationships is preferable to going out and seeking one.

I advise you specifically against “going and looking for” a mother substitute. These type of relationships need to happen more organically to be successful. Would likely end up being different women for different kids, I doubt all four of the kids would form an attachment to the same woman. The best you can do is provide opportunity. For example, other adult influences in kids lives frequently include parents of friends. If your children have close friends in your parish, those children’s mothers could be a relationship that develops organically and naturally, and could provide a Catholic role model.

God bless you.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Thank you for your kind words.

1. While I agree that a decree of nulity should not generally be seen as ‘just a formality’, my priest said he’s certain there wouldn’t be an issue, due the facts of my case. I’m confident the facts would support a tribunal affording me a decree on nulity, on a legal basis. I however, do NOT believe there is justification for a decree of nullity on a moral basis, as this mental episode occurred a decade after our nuptials and an incredibly wonderful marriage. Seeking a decree of nullity, therefore, feels very much like a formality, because if/as granted, it would be principally to accommodate my ability to find another life partner. That said, the mental illness of my children’s mother is one that could cause devistation through emotional impact (or worse), if she were to return to our home city. I, therefore, cannot encourage any contact with her from the tribunal. As I mentioned in the original post, she was deemed incompetent, perhaps her legal guardian could reply to them in her place?
2. I live in a neighborhood and school district that’s 99% married. The ability to interact with a married woman always feels a bit dicey; sometimes I feel like I’m on an island and turn to God for solace. That, however, won’t be sufficient to teach the children how to emulate a Christian relationship between two loving adults. It also won’t (pardon the bluntness) teach my girls how to use maxi pads, deal with social issues at school, etc. The girls already occasionally reference a goal of growing up to live in a lake house and read the Bible every day - just like their mom. That’s understandable, as that’s what their mother did/does. I do like, however, the notion of seeking wisdom from women aming my children’s friend’s parents and through church.
3. This may sound inappropriate (or inflammatory), but the woman I married hasn’t spoken to me or the children in several years. How is it that, if she were to die at some point, that I’m miraculously free to date and seek romantic companionship?

Thanks for listening!

 

[Gwendolen]

Periods are easily dealt with. Menstruation is addressed in all public schools, in generally about the 5th grade. Can also be covered by a female provider in your pediatrician’s office, if you afraid your daughter may start early. I suggest a good, female nurse practitioner. Just let the school nurse (or whoever is giving the presentation) or doc’s office provider know your concerns. Generally, sex is not discussed, you can clarify that point as well. And the provider will be matter a fact, full of accurate and helpful information geared towards your daughters’ ages, and non-squeamish about raising the topic. I’d go with the provider, on second thought, because the longer term relationship will allow for your daughters to have a go to for further questions and concerns, as thing arise, and you can have a closer relationship yourself to make sure they are not receiving information outside your values.

I think involving the guardian in the annulment process, as opposed to contacting the mentally ill former spouse is a great idea, especially as he has known her her whole life.

 

[Pup7]

Mental illness can lie dormant for years until it’s triggered for often unknown reasons and by unknown causes. The literature is rife with these accounts. People cope and compensate…and then can’t anymore. It happens and it’s real. It’s not your fault (or the patient’s either - not saying anyone is blaming anyone, don’t misunderstand me) and neither you nor any health care provider missed anything…it just happens.

I have very little advice that isn’t already being offered. I’ll do the only thing I can - pray for you, your children, and your family.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I, therefore, cannot encourage any contact with her from the tribunal. As I mentioned in the original post, she was deemed incompetent, perhaps her legal guardian could reply to them in her place?

This is not the first time your Diocese Tribunal has dealt with case like this. They have established means in place, talk to them.

 

[Sugabee43]

Correct. If you petition the Tribunal for a decree of nullity, you don’t even have to seek the cooperation of the respondent.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

The priest (who deferred to the deacon) said they must contact the respondent, as the petitioner (me) cannot complete on an ex parte basis. What I haven’t confirmed is whether her father could serve as respondent due to his role as guardian, by virtue of the civil incompetency proceeding.

 

[Sugabee43]

I’m betting her father could serve, if that’s the case.

 

[1ke]

This may sound inappropriate (or inflammatory), but the woman I married hasn’t spoken to me or the children in several years. How is it that, if she were to die at some point, that I’m miraculously free to date and seek romantic companionship?

Because a valid marriage ends at the death of a spouse. If your spouse isn’t dead, you are still married. When your spouse dies you are no longer married.

 

[Irishmom2]

1. While I agree that a decree of nulity should not generally be seen as ‘just a formality’, my priest said he’s certain there wouldn’t be an issue, due the facts of my case. I, however, do NOT believe there is justification for a decree
2. This may sound inappropriate (or inflammatory), but the woman I married hasn’t spoken to me or the children in several years. How is it that, if she were to die at some point, that I’m miraculously free to date and seek romantic companionship?

1. Without a decree of nullity, you are not free to marry.
2. Because Catholic marriage is until death.

So if you hope to remarry you should take the advice of your priest. These proceedings can go thru even without (name removed by moderator)ut from one of the spouses. (Meaning if one declines to participate.) Speak to your priest again who will be better able to advise you than anyone here.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Contact the Tribunal (google your city + your state + Catholic Diocese and find the Tribunal Office phone number.

Sometimes the nicest parish advocate has not dealt with complex cases.

 

[1ke]

The priest (who deferred to the deacon) said they must contact the respondent, as the petitioner (me) cannot complete on an ex parte basis. What I haven’t confirmed is whether her father could serve as respondent due to his role as guardian, by virtue of the civil incompetency proceeding.

I don’t believe that anyone else can be the respondent except the spouse.

You can contact your tribunal. I also think that your priest might be well-meaning but over selling the idea that a decree of nullity would be a “slam dunk”. He does NOT know this. If you yourself believe your marriage is valid, then it seems that you do not believe you have grounds for nullity, nor should you pursue a case.

Many children have grown up with fathers alone. Your children will be fine. You have had some good suggestions here for resources such as your pediatrician and nurse for puberty issues. Do you have family either yours or your wife’s such as mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, who could be female role models and confidants?

 

[Horton]

I would make some strong married male friendships. Then, when the time comes for female advice, ask your friend’s wife. That eliminates the worry of the appearance of an inappropriate relationship with a married woman.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Also, these kids have Godmothers?

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

My feeling is that a divorce is merely a piece of paper. I don’t have to choose to love my spouse any less or support her less in the days/weeks/years following that process. Similarly, I can still love and support the mother of my children, despite mental illness, with or without a decree of nulity.

I knew this woman for a dozen years. Had beautiful children with her. The marriage was valid. A decree of nulity exploits a nuance that a person with a mental illness must have had that latent in them. Using that logic, anyone who later exhibits signs of severe mental illness could be characterized as having had it retroactively to the wedding ceremony. That doesn’t pass the sniff test.

It feels profoundly illogical that my life is different the day she dies. Particularly if, in the interim, my children and I have heard not one word from her in years. If I don’t hear from her for 30 years, I’m relegated to be married, but walking through his life alone? To raise kids alone? Then, if by chance she jumps off the roof or sets her house on fire, or tries to jump off their boat and drown herself (all were tried) and dies, I’m suddenly free to seek female companionship?

At one point her parents tried a tough love approach of “we will support you and let you live with us, but only if you agree to follow the collective doctors’ recommendations of psychotherapy and psychotropic medication.” In response, she elected to be homeless for a very long time. They couldn’t bear the thought of her living on the streets when they had an extra unused beach house, and she returned to that residence. If they hadn’t, she might have died and no one would even know. What then?

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Yes, the children have Godparents, but not geographically close to us, and with families of their own. We see one another probably once or twice a year, often when paths cross (e.g. on vacation for an afternoon visit)

 

[1ke]

The marriage was valid.

Then you have no reason to pursue nullity.

A decree of nulity exploits a nuance that a person with a diagnosed mental illness must have had that latent in them

This is where you’ve been given misinformation. People with mental illness can enter valid marriages. There is nothing that says mental illness = inability to contract marriage = invalid attempt at marriage = nullity. The opposite in fact. It would have to be proven she could not give valid consent. The presumption on the part of the Church is that she did.

It feels profoundly illogical that my life is different the day she dies. Particularly if, in the interim, my children and I have heard not one word from her in years

I am sure it may not feel different. But it is different.

If I don’t hear from her for 30 years, I’m relegated to be married, but walking through his life alone? To raise kids alone?

It’s a difficult path, and entirely unfair. But yes.

What then?

Then it might indeed be difficult to prove she was dead. The Church does have canons dealing with a missing spouse.

 

[tafan2]

knew this woman for a dozen years. Had beautiful children with her. The marriage was valid. A decree of nulity exploits a nuance that a person with a diagnosed mental illness must have had that latent in them. Using that logic, anyone who later exhibits signs of severe mental illness could be characterized as having had it retroactively to the wedding ceremony. That doesn’t pass the sniff test.

It feels profoundly illogical that my life is different the day she dies. Particularly if, in the interim, my children and I have heard not one word from her in years. If I don’t hear from her for 30 years, I’m relegated to be married, but walking through his life alone? To raise kids alone? Then, if by chance she jumps off the roof or sets her house on fire, or tries to jump off their boat and drown herself (all were tried) and dies, I’m suddenly free to seek female companionship?

You believe the marriage was valid, the Church assumes that is the case until a tribunal has declared it annulled. So she is your wife, you made a vow to her until death do you part.

Why is it illogical that your life is different the day she dies? What part of “Death do you part” is hard to understand. The day she dies, you are no longer married. Now you are married. It is quite simple, and quite logical.

Will be praying for you and your family.