Catholic mom abandoned family - mental illness

[tafan2]

It’s a difficult path, and entirely unfair. But yes.

It is a difficult path, but I take exception to the entirely unfair statement. She is mentally ill, that part seems unfair. Being relegated to be married for 30 years is not unfair in the sense that the Church’s laws of marriage are unfair or lead to this. We make vows to our spouses “in sickness and in health”. The OP made those vows, she is ill, nothing unfair about it. Just very, very difficult.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Ironically, it’s not especially difficult. I mean, all the normal pushes and pulls of life that are difficult for any parent. But, the marriage, while valid, is not part of the caregiving, negotiation, decisions, chores, etc. It’s actually very full. I just worry that the kids are disadvantaged by not having a chance to see me model a loving relationship with a woman. I was a great spouse, and so was their mom! It’s not her fault she’s mentally ill, but there’s nothing I (or her family) have found that helps her change in any way.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

you made a vow to her until death do you part.

Maybe this is the crux of the question. What IS a vow? I’m not trying to be pedantic, but take an example:

If I say I will stand by your front door every day for the rest of my life, and you say, “Wow, that’s great!” And so it is. But, at some future point you no longer value my role in so standing there. What value do I bring to maintaining my commitment, my vow? Maybe you’re indifferent about it? Maybe you originally agreed to offer me food in exchange and stopped doing so. I can still hold my vow, but to what end?

In my case, my wife is indifferent about my involvement in her life. If asked, she’d say she loves me dearly and respects me, but is committed to following Jesus and reading the Bible (I’m not suggesting she’s doing so with rational thought). And, to the extent her vow included doing anything more than remaining reclusive and alone, I suppose she broke her vow. Nonetheless, I honor the sacrament of our marriage. I forgive her, as I deeply believe she’s ill. What other mother could go years with no contact with her children? It seems that my best way to love her is loving our children. The vow to love and support her can be accomplished if we remain married, divorced, receive a decree of nulity, or if she dies, by managing her estate/affairs/love for the children and continued engagement with her family. I’m just unclear how doing all the rest of life alone supports that approach or how the love of a woman would inhibit my ability to support her and the children (perhaps even more!).

There’s no specific urgency, but my kids would benefit, I think, by having a woman’s fingerprints on their lives. While that could be by way of a paid role like a nanny, it seems that someone who loves and supports me might have the capacity to love the children more freely.

 

[Gwendolen]

Lets say, for the sake of argument, you were not Catholic, and free to remarry.

Your new bride would be your children’s stepmother, not their mother. The benefit she would have in each of their lives would be variable. Some children get along well with and appreciate the efforts of a step parent. Others do not. Some are indifferent, for others, the step parent is a source of pain. For some there is a competition for affection. It is not a given that one person would bring stability and the blessing of “a woman’s fingerprint” as you put it on their lives. As well the amount of effort you would need to put into the relationship to make a healthy marriage could cause a kind of neglect (real or perceived) of some or all of the children. They may feel that your are providing an example of marriage an the expense of a close relationship with you themselves.

I think at this point, you should pursue female role models for your kids on an individual basis, and thus choose a mentor that best bonds with the child and meets their needs, not the one that happens to desire to be your spouse. Four kids are going to have different needs. To expect one person to meet each of these needs, while not causing heartache for any of the others is a tall order.

Oh, and an example of a loving Catholic marriage? Yeah, you have been demonstrating that all along! You are demonstrating that to us, just in the way you talk about her, and what you have tried to do for her, your forgiveness, all of that. Few children get to see that level of sacrifice. Don’t sell yourself short.

 

[armywife20]

Gwendolen has the perfect response!

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

That’s very thoughtful. And, kind! Thank you for taking the time…

 

[Arkansan]

If you do not believe that the potential grounds for annulment are true, then you obviously should not pursue one.

As far as female role models go, your and your wife’s relatives, and your childrens’ godmother(s) can fill this role.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

A priest and deacon advised that even half of my testimony would be more than sufficient grounds to easily convict a tribunal to offer a decree of nulity.

I guess that I feel like ‘it sucks’ that I have to communicate grounds against a sick woman, yet one with whom I may never again have so much as a single conversation, much less engagement with our children. But to suggest she didn’t have capability ten years prior? While perhaps enough for a tribunal, it doesn’t feel fair to drag her good name through that process.

I feel like I have so much to offer this world. Through child rearing, remunerative work, board/volunteer service, and yes even love for/from a life partner.

 

[Arkansan]

Nothing you’ve said here indicates that your marriage was invalid. Obviously, if you are convinced that your marriage was valid, then it would be wrong to pursue a legal judgment stating the opposite.

Your situation is very difficult, but sometimes we are called to endure hard situations.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Thank you, @Arkansan. The situation isn’t really difficult, per se. It just feels wasteful to allow my vow for marriage to fall on deaf ears. It isn’t helping my wife, and isn’t benefiting the world in any meaningful way. So, now I either: a) live a married life with someone I don’t talk to; b) seek an annulment; c) wait for her to die

That doesn’t feel like a good use of energy, life, and love

 

[QwertyGirl]

I could give you some pretty solid secular advice, but you sound like you are asking what the Church will allow and suggest. I really think you should consult with your priest.

 

[QwertyGirl]

If I don’t hear from her for 30 years, I’m relegated to be married, but walking through his life alone?

Only if that is what you choose for yourself.

 

[Lev]

A priest and deacon advised that even half of my testimony would be more than sufficient grounds to easily convict a tribunal to offer a decree of nulity.

I guess that I feel like ‘it sucks’ that I have to communicate grounds against a sick woman, yet one with whom I may never again have so much as a single conversation, much less engagement with our children. But to suggest she didn’t have capability? While perhaps enough for a tribunal, it doesn’t feel fair to drag her good name through that process.

I feel like I have so much to offer this world. Through child rearing, remunerative work, board/volunteer service, and yes even love for/from a life partner.

Can I ask, in what context the deacon and Priest advised you? Did you seek their advice or did they offer that as an adjunct to discussing other life issues? (Don’t answer if that is getting too personal)

It does sound like you are trying very hard to take the high road but then compartmentalising different issues that could be addressed by bearing them openly in counselling. It’s not unlikely that your wife crashed trying to do the same thing. Spouses in your position not getting basic needs met are vulnerable in a lot of ways and people might offer the advice to ‘just suck it up’ but that is often more difficult than they realize. I’d be inclined to entrust a little more in the advice of official Catholic pastoral carers (Priest) who could know a bigger picture than someone suffering in the moment.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

In her manic state, she left me a voice mail that said she experimented kissing girls in her adolescence and the she now feels called to be a lesbian. Of course, that was followed by a voice mail that said she was spiritually called to write a book, and has a $50 million advance from the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation. Oh, and that she’s pregnant with the next coming of Jesus

 

[Xantippe]

I live in a neighborhood and school district that’s 99% married.

That’s statistically very unlikely.

It also won’t (pardon the bluntness) teach my girls how to use maxi pads, deal with social issues at school, etc. T

Nobody wants their step-mom teaching them about feminine hygiene.

There are some very nice books from “American Girl” about puberty and personal care.

Also, nobody wants their step-mom teaching them about social issues. Lots of tween/teen girls barely have the time of day for their mom. (I personally shudder at the thought of what my oldest daughter would be like with a step-mother, if something were to happen to me–it would be WWIII.)

If you don’t feel up to that stuff, talk to their teachers and maybe work with a therapist–but you can’t hand off the hard parts of parenting your children to some random lady.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Unlikely, or not, there are 400 houses in my neighborhood. There are two single women, and one single guy (me). The children school is, practically speaking, 95% married; though some of these folks are on their second marriages (we live in the Bible belt).

but you can’t hand off the hard parts of parenting your children to some random lady.

That’s implicitly happening anyway, by virtue of my full-time employment and managing the logistics of several young children. A babysitter/nanny, or step-mother is required if I’m going to be able to provide for them.

Maybe I’m naïve, but it seems that identifying someone who loves me over the coming years would yield more love for the children than outsourced help?

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe I’m naïve. But, it seems that identifying someone over the coming years would yield more love for the children than outsourced help?

Yes, you are being naive about remarriage, step-parenting and blended families.

I would encourage you to do the annulment process just in order to have a good hard think about your marriage, and what things about it didn’t work. I think you’re wearing rose-colored glasses about your marriage–things probably weren’t as perfect as you think they were.

It would also be helpful to read some books about the challenges of remarried/blended families, as well as just some marriage books (How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids and John Gottman). You sound like you’re in much to much of a hurry. Slow down. Parent your kids. Build your support network. Read. Go through the annulment process. Do therapy. Think.

I would encourage you to focus on building your kids’ friendships. You can bring responsible, caring women into your kids’ lives via their friendships.

It doesn’t make sense to say that you’re validly married and you also want to remarry–that’s polygamy. Also, it will be very confusing to your children if you are raising them as practicing Catholics. Do things by the book if you want your kids to take your faith seriously.

 

[Arkansan]

I would encourage you to do the annulment process just in order to have a good hard think about your marriage, and what things about it didn’t work.

A petition for a declaration of nullity isn’t a self-help process. It’s a legal action to have a particular alleged fact declared int he external forum. One should not seek a legal judgment if one is convinced, as the OP says he is, that it would not actually be true. That would be similar to a prosecutor filing charges on someone who he thinks is innocent.

 

[1ke]

Maybe I’m naïve, but it seems that identifying someone who loves me over the coming years would yield more love for the children than outsourced help?

I would be offended to know a man was pursuing me as a mother for his kids rather than for who I am and my worth as a person independent of his situation.

But most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough: You are married already. You are not free to marry anyone else. So the sooner you get the thought out or your head the better.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

We had an incredibly fulfilling and loving marriage. Support for (and from) one another and our extended families, love for Jesus and our fellow neighbor. I believe that I’m validly married in a sacramental marriage to a woman who lives 600 miles away, is sick and hasn’t reached out to me or the children since shortly after she left in 2012. We continue to send her care packages of the children’s artwork, family photos, deliver food from local grocery stores, presents from Amazon for holidays and special occasions.

There is no response. Perhaps some day there will be. In the meantime, the children need more than an asundry of babysitters and friends. Selfishly, I crave it, and would love to see more than the absence of a mom define me and our family to our community. People don’t quite know what to do with a dad as sole provider (sleepovers at my house for the girls - yeah, no…). Among my children’s fiends’ mothers who knew her, they care deeply and have tried to contact her and drive to see her, but with no response aside from something along the lines of “I’ve dedicated my life to Jesus, reading the Bible, and Martha Stewart is going to come over for lunch after George HW Bush leaves. Oh, and I will never accept a diagnosis of mental illness and will adamantly refuse all medication. I’m a child of God with a higher calling.” That’s after a 9 hour drive. 2 minutes of conversation, maximum.